need more then advice....

LegacyUser

Hey folks.

I'm going unregistered for this one

It's a bit of a long story but I'll try and put it into a nutshell as best I can.

So I'm going out with my girlfriend almost 3 years. We are engaged 4 months and been living together for almost 2 years now. I'm 30. She is 27 and has a little girl from a previous relationship.

Over the last year our sex life has literally disappeared. Numerous times I've very cautiously brought the subject up and we discussed it and I have been promised things will improve and they haven't. Maybe for a week or two but then back to square one. Not only that but we are constantly having arguments. My girlfriend is the sort that loves to get her say in an argument and then storms off or refuses to listen to me when I have my say. Now I'm a very laid back guy but this really gets my blood boiling. I like to discuss the issue at hand and come up with a solution to the problem together and move on from there or put it into practice there and then.

Recently she has joined a gym and is completely infatuated with it....gym this gym that blah blah blah. But I always take an interest in what she is doing as I like to go to the gym myself (separate gym).

Anyway I'm getting off track here I think...

Basically we are constantly fighting. Over the most stupid things ever. She used to be on anti depressants and I suggested to her that she needs to go speak to a councillor and she agreed.....she gets so angry and the only way I can describe it is she looses her mind and says extremely hurtful things with such venom.....the other extreme is at the opposite end of the scale where she resorts to 10 year old school ground name calling.

She expects me to do everything her way...ie: she asked me to clean the bathroom the other day and I said yea just let me finish folding these clothes and then I'll do it. I proceeded to get a cloth and some spray and I was told I'm incapable of cleaning it and her way is the right way! That's the stuff I'm dealing with. There are lots more examples but I can't think know for any as I write this.

Anyway guys I'm at my whits end here. She is also obsessed with Facebook and snap chat and spends all her free time on it and does not put any effort into spending 10 or 15min In the afternoon with me. I'm off all social media since new years as I believe it bigger and better things to do with my spare time.

She is pushing me away so far with her constant snappy attitude....telling me I'm the problem and constantly Barking out orders all the time....she is so used to getting her own way all the time but when I don't give in then I'm the bad guy.

Also she let's everyone else...friends and family walk all over her and she is terrified the stand up to them but she is no problem in taking all of this out on me.

All I'm looking for is to be treated with the same respect I show her....to improve our sex life (BTW I'm not been pushy with her....I have needs and would like them to be fulfilled by the woman I'm with and I've never ever once considered cheating) and to stop all these constant bickering arguments.

I always am the one that takes the first step in approaching a problem calmly and taking it out but instead I get told to fukc off and don't come near me.

I'm literally at the stage of packing my bags and walking away.

Please can somebody relate to this or advise me?

Thanks a mill for taking the time to read this as well.

racso1975

That's a fairly extensive list of things that are wrong and all are serious enough. So the big question is why do you want to stay with her?

LegacyUser

sounds very cliché but I love her.....even tho she has these "flaws" I do love her. Maybe I'm afraid to end it or that I won't find anybody like her. Maybe I'm the confused one in all this? I just feel miserable....

pgj2015

headWrecked! wrote: »

Hey folks.

I'm going unregistered for this one...

Hi op, I know it is hard to leave a relationship when you love the other person but there is only 1 option here and it is that you have to end this relationship asap, if this is what things are like when you are engaged what are they going to be like 10 years into a marriage with her?

we often here stories on here about women going off sex before they get married and guess what. the guys still marry them hoping things will change but they never do.

If I had to predict what will happen if you go ahead and marry her, I would say you will never have sex again unless she wants kids, her bullying of you will get worse, she may cheat on you, you will forgive her and eventually she will look for a divorce.

Run op. you can do a lot better than her.don't listen to her when she says she will change, she won't, good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks!

Since last night I've had to move into the separate bedroom to try and sleep as she was on her phone last night and I couldn't sleep because of the light of the phone and he tapping the screen. Minor I know but she knows it bugs me. Then after a brutal nights sleep tossing and turning she is all giggles and laughs on the phone all morning planning her night out tonight with the girls.

@pgj2015 - thanks for the reply....u struck a chord with that reply (in a good way) it's almost like I want to her cheat on me as it's a easy option for breaking up. Yes I know it's a complete and utter chicken way of doing it but it seems the easiest. If I tell her I'm going I don't think it will faze her.....instead I'll get told how good of a night she will have.

Jesus my head is completely fried. I'd rather just go somewhere and be isolated from the whole world for a few days.

Ursus Horribilis

headWrecked! wrote:

sounds very cliché but I love her.....even tho she has these "flaws" I do love her. Maybe I'm afraid to end it or that I won't find anybody like her. Maybe I'm the confused one in all this? I just feel miserable....

None of this surprises me. In my opinion your sex life is the least of your problems.

Penny Tration

OP, it's crunch time.

Your relationship cannot continue like this. If nothing else, her child cannot grow up seeing this.

Her behaviour sounds abusive.

I think you should sit down one night without the little girl in the house, and be blunt - you are not going to live like this. Either she treats you with respect, gets therapy for herself and goes to relationship counselling with you, and actually works on the issues, or you're leaving.

Personally, I'd walk away, but you say you love her, so I assume you want to work on it. The ONLY way this will work is if she gets help and stops treating you like a doormat.

If she refuses to listen or change, you need to walk away. You may love her. But does she truly love you? What she's doing aren't the actions of someone who loves their partner.

Don't even consider marriage unless this is resolved permanently.

suicide_circus

OP you owe it to yourself not to marry this woman, your situation as you've described it sounds wretched and I certainly wouldn't live like that.

beyondbelief67

As much as it will hurt you need to walk away before your self esteem and self worth start to really suffer.
You say you love her ? Sorry but it doesn't sound like she loves you or respects you at all.
You deserve someone who does love, respect and cherish you.
Good luck, and I hope you manage to find the time and peace to think clearly.

Teafor two12345

Is it really as bad as you say? Sometimes people need to vent and that is what they come here for. Read what you have written in two days and see if it's still how you feel.

You say she has agreed to counseling well that's good isn't it? There are two sides to every story.

You say you tire of her nagging maybe she is tired of nagging you. Women do usually have a thorough way of cleaning etc. It's more particular. It could be just a better way.

Obviously name calling is not ok though. And her temper etc that is never ever ok. ESPECIALLY WITH A KID IN THE HOUSE. But it's never ok for a venomous temper to take over.

But I seriously doubt you just sit there during those arguments.

But you don't want to walk so counseling is the way to go. She has agreed to some form of counseling and you say she is better to others so it's the relationship dynamic between you two here. It's not her personality but the relationship with the both of you in it.

I am not at all saying things should stay the way they are by the way. Not at all. But it's rarely one person who has to change the whole relationship needs to be worked on.

Redser87

OP I'm not surprised you are miserable with all of this. Can't really add much to the solid advice you have received so far except to say that the light from the phone is not a petty issue at all, lots of people find it stops them from sleeping and why should you be the one to have a poor night's sleep?
My husband falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow, as long as there is no flickering light. I can't get to sleep without reading in bed. We have compromised by me getting a small but powerful lamp that clips onto the bed. It is a small issue but these are the type of things that arise in a marriage and it is important to listen to your partner. Doesn't sound like she is meeting you halfway for any issue and I think that would need to change before you get married.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, someone close to me married a woman who sounds just like your partner. She was "flawed" and he knew it. Yet he went ahead and married her anyway. Now he's paying a very high price for having married her. It was a dreadful marriage and she treated him like dirt. Even when they'd split up he still wanted to take her back. It's only now that he's coming to realise just what a toxic person she is but it's too late really. She has pretty much destroyed him anyway, both financially and mentally.

You're still only 30 years of age. You've got plenty of time to start all over again. There are so many lovely single women out there who'd dearly love to meet a nice man like you and would treat you with love and respect. Why settle for second best.

Have you taken a look at http://www.amen.ie/? I think you should.

Teafor two12345

But I agree hold off on getting married until you make this a more healthy relationship.

LegacyUser

Without sounding harsh op, all I can see from your post is everything she's doing wrong,have you looked at what you're doing wrong? A relationship takes two to work. It also takes two to break down

ColeTrain

You've gotten a glimpse into what life would be like married to this woman.

I'd worry that if you gave her an ultimatum, she'd force herself to be more tolerable for a while but in the long run I don't think people like that change.

As it stands, you can walk away from this with a clean break, if I were you I'd be seriously thinking about that fact over and over.

dudara

Teafor two12345 - I hve deleted one of your posts as there was no actual advice offered to the OP. Posts should focus on offering advice to the OP.

dudara

Eeden

mkaykittie wrote: »

Without sounding harsh op, all I can see from your post is everything she's doing wrong,have you looked at what you're doing wrong? A relationship takes two to work. It also takes two to break down

A relationship can certainly break down due to the actions of only one of the partners. If one of the partners is abusive, or is cheating, or simply decides they do not want to be in the relationship, then there is no onus on the other partner to try to fix the relationship.

Sunflower 27

She is rude, insensitive, cold and immature. You need to up the bar, mate. When you meet a partner that is genuine, thoughtful, sensitive and loving, you are in for a shock!

You are afraid of being alone. That is the real issue here and that is what is making you stay when the majority of other men would have left long before - and taken their self respect with them.

December2012

Go for relationship counselling. See if it can be saved.

dissed doc

She does not sound like marriage or even relationship material. Not being distracted by sex, you are seeing the reality of the interaction.


my advice is leave. and look for a woman deserving of your time. you are not her father or therapist,but you are apparently expected to accept this abusive crap.

And, being a cuckold on top of this? what happened tp you, to make you think such punishment was okay? Move on and make a decent life, with a decent woman. leave the abusive ones where they are.

LegacyUser

Hey folks

First things first I want to thank each and every single person that took the time to read and reply to my story. You have all helped me and thank you very much.

So after a lot of thinking I finally brought everything up with her. I'll be honest I lost my cool a bit which completely shocked her.....but it's been building up inside me for a year so it was bound to happen.

So I basically gave her an ultimatum....

I told her she has to go to counselling. We are to have sex life. She needs to start being more involved and dedicated to our relationship and finally she needs to treat me better.

Now here is the tricky bit. I told her that I'm not expecting a change straight away and I'll be on edge because actions speak louder then words based on her previous history of broken promises.

If she makes one mess up or I get a hint of been treated badly again I'll pack my bags and be gone for good and it will be on her head.

It's up to her now to keep me here. Basically prove you want me in your life.

So I'm happy with this decision I made as I didn't want to throw in the towel but it's up to her now.....

Once again thank you everyone for ur help and support. It means a lot to know there are some nice people out there.

dissed doc

headWrecked! wrote: »

Hey folks

First things first I want to thank each and every single person that took the time to read and reply to my story. You have all helped me and thank you very much.

So after a lot of thinking I finally brought everything up with her. I'll be honest I lost my cool a bit which completely shocked her.....but it's been building up inside me for a year so it was bound to happen.

So I basically gave her an ultimatum....

I told her she has to go to counselling. We are to have sex life. She needs to start being more involved and dedicated to our relationship and finally she needs to treat me better.

Now here is the tricky bit. I told her that I'm not expecting a change straight away and I'll be on edge because actions speak louder then words based on her previous history of broken promises.

If she makes one mess up or I get a hint of been treated badly again I'll pack my bags and be gone for good and it will be on her head.

It's up to her now to keep me here. Basically prove you want me in your life.

So I'm happy with this decision I made as I didn't want to throw in the towel but it's up to her now.....

Once again thank you everyone for ur help and support. It means a lot to know there are some nice people out there.

Good luck. I think she will turn this back on you and you will be lucky to get away unscathed.