Should I tell her I love her?

LegacyUser

For the first time in my life I've come to the realisation over the last couple of months that I love a girl.
It's an incredible feeling but there a few issues I am concerned with regarding whether or not I should tell her.

She doesn't live here.. we met at the start of the summer and have been over and back to see each other a half dozen times since. We've talked about one of us moving to each other's countries with-out making any concrete plans. It's something I could do within 3 months- but I haven't really outlined that to her yet.
I've tried to make it clear in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't hesitate jumping ship to be closer to her but I'm not sure if she always believes me or thinks I'm just trying to ease the situation.
We both have our low days when we talk about missing each other and how hard the situation is but it rips me up to think she's regularly hurting because of the long distance situation.
During these moments, I've told her how her own individual happiness is far more important than our future and that if if this is too upsetting and she doesn't want it to continue I'd completely understand.
Last week she said she was starting to get confused about the situation and I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to be able to see me every day and I reiterated my desire to move closer to her. I was a bit scared and kind of expected bad news but we've been in grand form since.

It is because of the above points- I feel that by being completely up front and telling her I love her, I am being unfair. I am not worried about not being told the same, I'm worried about putting pressure on her in a situation she might not want to be in. I'm worried that by telling her she won't be up front with me if she wants this to end.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

osarusan

If you telling you her you love her puts her in the position of having to come to terms with whether or not she feels the same about you and the relationship, I don't think that is unfair. You may be setting yourself up for some pain though, but I'd say you understand that possibility.

If you are actually willing to move to be with her, make that completely clear to her.

Tell her you want to start the process of moving to be with her in 3 months (detail what that means: quitting job, ending lease, whatever) and reiterate that you want to make the move, and ask her if that is something she wants you to do.

Is there any reason to believe she will react any way other than very happily?

Teafor two12345

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Use skype and stuff. I know one of the best couples who are long distance right now. I used to be totally against it. But you can make it work. It's up to you. Don't make a rash decision either way. If the missing you bit is tough then skype. I know a couple whose skyping goes on ages.

It's up to you of course. It sounds like she is mutually into you though. I would be honest with your feelings. I would tell her you love her. Only you really know if its right between you I guess. It's tough for an outsider to see.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

If you telling you her you love her puts her in the position of having to come to terms with whether or not she feels the same about you and the relationship, I don't think that is unfair. You may be setting yourself up for some pain though, but I'd say you understand that possibility.

If you are actually willing to move to be with her, make that completely clear to her.

Tell her you want to start the process of moving to be with her in 3 months (detail what that means: quitting job, ending lease, whatever) and reiterate that you want to make the move, and ask her if that is something she wants you to do.

Is there any reason to believe she will react any way other than very happily?

Many thanks for the response.
Yeah I am aware I may be setting myself up for pain but I suppose in my head I'm telling myself it might not be a bad thing to find out sooner rather than later.

Regarding moving- thanks for advice. I suppose I've been a bit hesitant to outline the practicalities and possibilities to her and it's probably time to do it.

I have no reason or indication as of yet that she wouldn't be delighted. But naturally I have that niggle in my head that maybe she wouldn't be. But I don't have any substance to put to that niggle which is comforting.

Next visit is in 2 weeks but I think I'll tell her before that as it's something I just want to scream out at this stage.

CaraMay

No tell her in 2 weeks when you can see her reaction. She's been blowing a bit hot and cold lately so you need to see her immediate reaction and be there to talk it out

meeeeh

This is all very dramatic. You are in long distance relationship, it can work if you are both on the same page. Have a talk face to face about what you want from the relationship, is one of you prepared to move in foreseeable future and so on. You can tell her then that you love her or whatever. That is it. There is no need to worry about pressuring her, she is responsible for her own happiness and you are responsible for yours.

LegacyUser

Cheers for advice all.

Particularly Meeeeh-
"There is no need to worry about pressuring her, she is responsible for her own happiness and you are responsible for yours."
Something I know is so true but sometimes forget!

I'll hang on and have the chat when I see her.

LegacyUser

Bit of a follow up on this one..

Friday/Saturday she seemed distant and quiet. I asked her a couple of times what was up and over the phone she eventually told me she didn't think I liked her that much at all and that she can't stop thinking about me.
I was genuinely shocked and upset at the former and told her how crazy I was about her and how I was the same re thinking non stop about her. She seemed to improve her mood slightly but I decided to call her later and tell her I think I loved her and gave reasons why, telling her if you want to talk seriously about moving closer let's do it sooner rather than later.
She 'didn't know what to say' but said she's never wanted someone more and would love to be able to see me everyday.
That was nice and I felt happy/relieved I told her.

However since then she has been noticeably distant- very little chat out of her and she has just had a different way of talking to me(both on phone/text) as before.
When I brokered the seriously discussing the subject of moving when she visited yesterday she said no need to rush, we can talk about it in a month or so(when I am next over to her). I said no problem.
However, I've been getting waves of anxiety since then. I know I need to chill but I have this awful feeling she'll want to end this next month. If that is the case I'd be devastated but if it isn't what she wants fair enough.
I don't want to annoy her but I feel like I need to now.

Do I need to relax and give her some space on the issue or am I in my rights to push her on how she sees our future?

CaraMay

Op you didn't listen to anyone and now you have lost the opportunity to see her expression while talking to her. She sounds like a messer tbh. I wouldn't be chasing her. She seems to like drama.

MayoSalmon

You played this all wrong to be fair...you should have told her how you feel in person like people have suggested. You just dont tell a girl/woman you love her over the phone!

Anyways you will have to wait this out now until you meet to see what the future holds. These conversations just cant happen over phone/skype whatever...

zeffabelli

DLN2016 wrote: »

Bit of a follow up on this one..[/QUOTE]

What exactly do you need to know right now?

The moving conversation has to be in person....too risky to do it any other way...The reason for this is because LDRs facilitate those who like to live in their imagination.

Also...why do you have to move? This might suit you both....THe risk with LDRs is its the distanace might be what makes it work....very tricky.

Also moving countries...very big deal...

meeeeh

I don't know I was in a LDR from the beginning. It's great and exciting when you see someone and annoying when you don't. For me the best thing was conversation about where we are going, what we want and when we are moving together. After that a lot of doubt and impatience disappeared. There is no guarantee it will work but at least you tried.

Op, this whole thing just seems very dramatic. Maybe it's only your perception and how you are relying the information here, but there is a lot of doubt, anxiety and mixed messages. You have to discuss it face to face and honestly, not tiptoeing around the issue to avoid the possible answer that you don't want to hear. I wouldn't worry about the I love you bit, at least she knows where you stand. Now you just have to find out what she wants and you were never going to get that just from her reaction to three words.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the honest comments guys.
I've definitely played this poorly. As I said I'd never felt this way about someone and I guess the emotions involved haven't helped my decision making. It's mad because I've had a couple of nice relationships and just can't compare this feeling to the previous ones. She's just the most amazing person I've had the fortune of being with.
I feel pretty silly and like crawling into a hole but that's life I guess.
Time to chill out, see what happens, and hope for the best.

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't know I was in a LDR from the beginning. It's great and exciting when you see someone and annoying when you don't. For me the best thing was conversation about where we are going, what we want and when we are moving together. After that a lot of doubt and impatience disappeared. There is no guarantee it will work but at least you tried.

Op, this whole thing just seems very dramatic. Maybe it's only your perception and how you are relying the information here, but there is a lot of doubt, anxiety and mixed messages. You have to discuss it face to face and honestly, not tiptoeing around the issue to avoid the possible answer that you don't want to hear. I wouldn't worry about the I love you bit, at least she knows where you stand. Now you just have to find out what she wants and you were never going to get that just from her reaction to three words.

Thanks Meeh. Nice words.

dudara

OP - there is no need to post the same post multiple times. Because you are posting as unregistered, all posts will go into a queue for approval. Sometimes it takes the mod team a bit of time to approve them all. But don't worry, it will get approved.

dudara

LegacyUser

Update:
Was doing some reminiscing earlier and remembered starting this thread!
Despite not taking all of your advice on board and my ultimate clumsiness..
I'm now a week into living with the girl of my dreams and I couldn't be happier.

When I posted this thread I was at a low point- lacking in confidence and full of anxiety.

I suppose what I can take from this experience and reading back.. is that everyone is different, there's no 100% right/wrong way to approach to these issues. Best thing I did was be open and let her know how I felt.