Abnormal grief

LegacyUser

This is probably the most bizzare post I will ever write but I just need to get it out of my head and down in words. Please go easy on me because I know it's ridiculous! I have never spoken about this to anyone, not even on boards as it was always my solace and refuge. It was an escape from the outside world and reduced my anxiety during an isolated childhood/adolescence.

One day when I was about 5 years old I was watching an old 60s film on tv and saw an actress that just stopped me in my tracks. She was absolutely stunning and I said to myself I want to be like her some day. She was playing a mother and I honestly believed the role she was playing and wished she could be mine. As a little girl living in a rural part of Ireland i.e middle of nowhere, I never thought it would be possible to ever see this actress in real life - mainly because I presumed she had passed away. I never thought it was possible for me as a young Irish girl to go to America and make it big and mingle with American Hollywood stars like her. I never knew her name, who she was, or anything like that as I was too young to know to look at film credits to find out. Plus, this was before the internet so it wasnt possible to just look it up. Nevertheless, her face was always vivid in my mind and I would have seen that same film through my childhood and always wondered who she was (I thought I would have had the cop on at some stage to look at the credits - but no!).

My homelife as a child wasnt great. Without going into too much detail, my parents were never there, which meant I was always sent to neighbours, friends, relations, whoever would 'mind' me. Often I would be there for very long periods so I never built up relationships, particularly with my mother. When she was at home with me, she was a very angry person. She would often lash out at trivial things and I would get the brunt of it. She seemed to always resent any achievements I earned and I never received any praise or encouragement from her. She was very emotionally withdrawn, never gave me hugs and to this day would never tell me she loved me. I was a very lonely child and would spend huge chunks of my day in my room away from the outside world. I would often daydream of a better life for myself with everything I could ever ask for. I know this has laid the foundation for the manifesting attachment issues that I will explain now, my problem is how do I get past this.

Roll on a few years, say I was about 11, and I see an old movie poster in a shop window. I looked at it for a while and said to myself I know that woman from somewhere......and it just clicked. It was the actress I had seen in that film as a young child. I couldnt believe that I had still remembered her face. I was still unsure whether it was her or not as I didnt recognise the name or this particular film as it was a different one. With the new dial up internet my granny had, I snuck online to look it up. And yep same person and she was actually still alive to my surprise.

At this stage my home life was getting increasingly bad. My mother and father were both depressed and my father had addiction problems. I would cry almost every day and retreat to my room. I was in a bad way during my teens and I had very few friends (as my mother would never let them come over). At this stage I had begun to build up a collection of this actress' movies with any little bit of money I saved. After school I would look forward to the postman's arrival and a new video of her to watch. It gave me a distraction, a role model, a hero to look up to. I loved getting lost in the storylines and I was in awe of the costumes and make up she wore. It was a little bubble I loved to be in. She gave my an escape and filled my head with dreams of a better life. I wasnt stressed or crying my eyes out while watching these films, I was happy, content and relaxed without a care in the world.

During my late teens/early 20's I went off to uni/working career and begun to build a life for myself. I didnt 'need' these videos at all anymore to provide refuge as I had quite a good social circle. However I still held on to them in my collection and would stick them on every now and again just to pass the time. I dont think I will ever give them away. Often I would stumble upon ones that I had never seen before and buy them just to have. To this day they still just make my anxiety melt away when I watch them. This actress was still and always will be my hero and even though she will never know who I am, I am so grateful to her for giving me someone to look up to and for inspiring me to achieve my dreams. I never shared the fact that I was a fan of hers with anyone really. I wanted it to be my private memory that no-one could ridicule me for or take the piss. I never understood why was it her? As a little child what was it that drew me to this old hollywood actress of all the people out there? It wasnt as if I was drawn to her because of who she was or where she was from, because as a child I had absolutely no idea. There were a number of times when I actually could have seen and met her at public events but I decided not to. Maybe I wanted to keep this private from her too..who knows.

Three days ago she passed away. The actress was Maureen O'Hara. That film I saw her in as a 5 year old was The Parent Trap and the movie poster was The Quiet Man.

I feel so low. It's like that part of my life is gone, chapter closed and im finding it really really tough. Crying over a celeb? Yea get a grip says you. It's the memories of childhood wonderment that get me the most. Wondering for years who she was, finding out who she was and that she was actually Irish (big american film star I thought!). Having a lot of random connections through places, hobbies, people etc that were complete coincidences. But these things made my child's mentality of 'oh you will never be like her/never achieve anything like her' be completely flipped on it's head. She inspired me to be proud of my heritage and achieve big things and filled a very big void. While I am so happy with me life right now and I am in a very good place, this has come as a complete shock to me. I cant believe that her death has affected me so much. I feel so empty and cant stop thinking about her. It is abnormal grief and I dont know how to get over it. Any advice? Thanks for reading.

strandroad

I think you should hold on to the films and her legacy. She passed away as a person but what inspired you was the characters she created and they remain in place. There's nothing wrong in having a role model or an idol, and she will continue to inspire you as you can still discover new roles of hers or places she's been to... Why don't you honour her passing with a little tour, or a donation to a charity that offers art to disadvantaged children?

Lisha

She was your 'happy safe place' she provided you with the necessary escapes that allowed you to survive your tough childhood.
Of course you feel so bereft now. A hugely important corner stone of your life is gone.
But remember this, you survived because you are strong. You were clever enough to focus on her and this kept you going. But never forget she was just a tool your mind used to help you survive.

Focus on the feelings the films and the memorabilia give you. She brought such joy and happiness to you and so many others. But you will survive. The films the books all still exist use and enjoy them.

Be happy and free op. Enjoy your memories of her. She knew what joy she gave others that must have been an amazing thing to her. She knew this and I really think she would wish you well.

Best of luck op.

deseil

No grief is abnormal, its obvious you formed an attachment to her and this obviously helped you through a really tough childhood emotionally.
Give yourself a break you are allowed to grieve it is totally understandable. My heart went out to you reading this and I dont find anything wrong with you grieving the death of a woman that helped you so much.
Who knows if it hadnt been for her you may be an entirely different person give yourself time you ll be fine.

amdublin

Aww you have some lovely memories of her, and sounds like she got you through some hard times. No wonder you are grieving so hard.


Be kind to yourself. Why not watch The Parent Trap this weekend and enjoy the great film, the great Maureen and a nice feel good film.


Ps. I am part of groups on Facebook "Save the Quiet Man Cottage" and there are big fans and people grieving over there also.


Take care.

caille

Hey there, I really feel for you, please don't be thinking what you are feeling is odd or not normal. I think it's brilliant that you had someone in your life who got you through tough times, Ms O'Hara might now have known of your existence but I bet you anything that she did know how much she meant to people over the years and you would be one of those people.

There is a certain actor on TV that I absolutely adored when I was younger, I had a very tough time as a teenager and later on in college, he was big on TV back then during those years. I wrote to the studio he was working for (I basically said how things were tough for me but watching him on TV and his character gave me strength to keep going etc). I never thought I would get a reply. But I did!

He sent me a lovely letter, he said how much he appreciated my letter and that he hoped things would get better for me, he also sent a signed photo and one thing I always remember, he had even written my name and address on the envelope as well, for some reason, that really impressed me :-()

To this day, whenever I see him now on anything (he isn't on as much any more), I still feel as if he is reaching through the screen to give me a hug, I know that sounds a bit mental but replying to my letter back then meant so, so much to me and I know he would have no idea but it doesn't matter, I just feel he is a decent man that took the time to respond to a young girl's ramblings.

My husband always says he will never slag this actor, as a result, even if he cringes when the show he was in comes on :-()

Mind yourself, OP, and watch a few of Maureen's films over the next few weeks, she will never leave you.

LegacyUser

OP Here, Thank you so much for all your replies, I have no real outlet for this feeling of emptiness and its comforting to know that I am not abnormal or weird. I have never been so mesmerised by an actor in my life but I recognise that as an impressionable young child I was trying to create a make believe world through her. I know now as an adult what it represented and when I think back I'm so thankful. I am regretting not meeting her now or sending her a letter thanking her. I had plenty of opportunities to do it but I never did. It was just too personal for me to even share with the lady herself. Why I felt like that, I don't know. But that is part of the reason I feel so down I think. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

I would love nothing more than to put on one of her dvds this weekend, but I don't think I can face doing it. In times of stress, anxiety and to escape highly emotional situations that would have been my first port of call. But because these feelings manifesting now are due to her passing, I am afraid that it will just tinge it with sadness. I know I will probably end up crying the whole way through, which is the opposite of the feelings of happiness as a child. Maybe I need to do it though?

thegreatgonzo

I don't think it's abnormal at all OP. I think it's lovely actually. Some day if you have time you should visit Cong where the Quiet Man was filmed, it's a lovely place. You could also join the Ballyglunin railway restoration project on facebook, Ballyglunin was the train station that was used in the Quiet Man film. Maureen O'Hara was special to a lot of people, it might help you to be part of a like minded group.

Rubberchikken

i think you're mourning a time in your life when enjoying her films you felt safe and secure. that's not a bad thing so go easy on yourself and feel sad when you need to.

maureen o hara was a wonderful actress and irishwoman and would, i think, have been delighted to bring such joy to a young person.

take care of yourself.

Pawwed Rig

These people can become a big part of our lives so it is not silly at all. I shed a few tears the day Terry Pratchett died myself and I am normally immune to the world of celebrity but have spent many many hours 'in his company'.
It is normal to grieve over people who have meaning to us.

beks101

I think if you had met the late great Maureen O'Hara, she would have told you that it's people like you that made it all worthwhile. The people who really felt her spirit jump out at them from the small screen and channelled her energy to get through some of their hardest times. That's what it's all about really.

You sound like you have a wonderful imagination OP and a really strong survival streak, even from such a young age. How incredible and resourceful of you to create this magical happy little place for yourself from a character you saw on-screen, in order to get through what was obviously a very tough home life. How brilliant and creative and brave to use that character to get the things that you needed as a young child, and to strive for a better life.

I think you should keep all the movies and mementos as a tribute not just to the great Maureen, but to that wonderfully resourceful and imaginative and strong person you are. Let them remind you of your own needs and how important they are; of your own skills and talents and how they can't ever be taken for granted.

Let them remind you of how important your imagination and your inner-world and self-dialogue really is. And let them remind you of the impact that your own energy and your kind words and actions, no matter how small, can have on another human being.

Magicmatilda

It is not abnormal grief but rather complicated grief - that is the term used by psychotherpists for the grief you are experiencing. You are not mad, weird or odd.

Sounds like you had a pretty choatic and even traumatic childhood. Your needs were not met by those around you and so you sought solace in the pleasure you found in these movies and in Maureen O'Hara. That is what children do in such situations, if they can. I think you were very lucky to be able to find some comfort.

I think her death has now brought up all the feelings of loss that you had as a child. That maybe you avoided by watching these movies. If you can now work on processing that loss I think you will feel great benefit. In my experience counselling would definitely help you. It would help you to look at what was missing as a child and feel now what you could not allow yourself to feel then (for good reason). Once you have processed it you can move on.

Watching one of her movies and crying would be an expression of the grief you feel which I think would be healthy.

Teafor two12345

I think it's unusual.

You seem highly sensitive and I don't want to upset you. But you are using very intense and dramatic phrases.

I don't think it's healthy. If you were my friend I would be worried about you.

Let the momentos become less important...then let them go.

I don't think you should focus on them or the actress anymore.

ivytwine

Like Pawwed Rig, I shed a tear when Terry Pratchett died. Like Maureen O'Hara did, he brought a lot of joy to people's lives, including mine. I haven't read the last book yet because I probably will cry a little.

I don't think it's abnormal OP, but if it's still seriously affecting you in a month or two, maybe then it's time to do something about it.

Kids often latch onto things or dreams or people if their own lives aren't fantastic. That's very common.

Btw OP on Sat myself and my dad watched The Quiet Man, by pure coincidence. I only saw she'd passed away later on Facebook. She's so full of life and vitality in that great film, I did feel a bit teary myself!

InPsyDer

Odd moment reading your post OP - from reading the very first part of your description alone I was imagining who the actress might be, and my instant thought was "the mother from the Parent Trap" - was so surprised to read on and see that was who you were talking about! But it just goes to show what a striking woman she was, that she calls up such memories of beauty and charm from an older time in cinema with your description. I didn't know her name til you mentioned it and I didnt know she had passed away, but I've thought of her often myself as an icon of happy childhood memories and a very beautiful woman, the epitome of glamour to my little girl self! I think she would be very touched to know her life and passing meant so much to you, but I'd also like to think she'd hope you'd keep watching her movies, which were her life's work, and remember her that way. I hope you feel better soon, and try to see it is a positive aspect of your personality, that you are able to connect to events and people with such feeling and emotion. Let the sadness it run its course, you have nothing to regret in a little mourning for this special part of your childhood.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just wanted to say that I went through awful grief when a famous singer died. She had a massive impact on me when i was growing up and I still feel a little lump in my throat when I listen to her songs.

Watch the videos when you feel ready to you'll always have them to remind you of her.

LegacyUser

Teafor two12345 wrote: »

I think it's unusual.

You seem highly sensitive and I don't want to upset you. But you are using very intense and dramatic phrases.

I don't think it's healthy. If you were my friend I would be worried about you.

Let the momentos become less important...then let them go.

I don't think you should focus on them or the next actress anymore.

I'd agree with this. I completely disagree with people telling you that it's all grand to feel such levels of grief about someone that you didn't even know.

I believe the reason that you feel such inappropriate levels of grief is that you formed an unhealthy attachment to this fantasy (i.e. This actress / the films she was in).

I think that you have to delve deeper, and address the issues in your own life, including why you'd form such an irrational attachment to an actress, and experience such irrational grief at her death.

This inappropriate grief, and pandering to it by joining 'groups' is just prolonging your staying in the same position. If you are to progress, you can't latch yourself onto a person who you've never met as some sort of talisman in your life; you have to sort out our own issues and your own life. An old school actress could never do that for you OP, harsh as it sounds, all she could do for you was you being addicted about the 'vision' you had of her.

Being harshly honest, you are sticking your head in the sand and avoiding your own issues in favour of comfort mind candy of watching films that blank your mind out. I think your inappropriate levels of grief really demonstrate this. You have to sit up and sort your own issues out. Maureen O'Hara was never going to do that for you, alive or dead.

magicmushroom

I don't think your grief is abnormal at all.

She gave you escapism from an unhappy life, just because you never met her doesn't mean you can't grieve her for the influence she had on you and the happiness she brought to you.

She meant a lot to you and grieving is completely normal and acceptable.

I remember when I was a child I idolised Enid Blyton from reading her books, as they took me to another world when I felt low.
When I found out she had died before I was even born, I was devastated.

I hope you're feeling better soon x

Sunflower 27

Hi OP, your grief is your grief and it is always unique. as said, the actress helped you through some difficult times but you do not know this woman. She was a fantasy that nade your life bearable. I think you should invest in some psychotherapy to discuss your past. I think that may be the real grief you are dealing with.

Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy

LegacyUser

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Hi OP, your grief is your grief and it is always unique. as said, the actress helped you through some difficult times but you do not know this woman. She was a fantasy that nade your life bearable. I think you should invest in some psychotherapy to discuss your past. I think that may be the real grief you are dealing with.

Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy

That's an excellent point, and one that I didn't think of when I posted about irrational grief. I still don't think that it's ok that you feel such strong grief about a person who isn't real (your grief is about the persona the person played, not the actual person).

But a v good point was made that it is misplaced grief. I think I was wrong to term it irrational. I guess the point is that there is a lot of grief in your life, but you are placing this on the death of a fantasy person, whereas the real grief is in your own heart.

All I can say is to echo the post re getting some help with that. It does sound like you're stagnating in this misplaced grief, but really, you should be getting help for why you attached yourself so strongly to a fantasy figure.

Wishing you the very best OP, my initial post was quite harsh, but true I think. Sunflower said it a lot better than I did though.

Teafor two12345

Irrational grief wrote: »

You have to sit up and sort your own issues out. Maureen O'Hara was never going to do that for you, alive or dead.

I agree with absolutely everything you say. I don't think it's harsh at all but totally right. You are bang on. I might just say it more gently to the op etc.

Fantasy is playtime. It should bring fun and nothing else.

The OP's response is very unusual. I don't think it's normal. It's irrational and your previous feelings and thoughts when she was alive seem obsessional. They are not normal.As is wanting to know details of her life. I think it's obsessional to think you have a special connection with this woman at all. It seems compulsive.
I didn't get the princess Di thing.

If you were 13 or something I could see it as a part of development. Past sixteen it's strange.
Spending money for instance on a charity for her death would be borderline pathological level obsession I guess but so would be thinking of meeting her etc. Celebrity worship etc is an illness. Really thinking about one person a lot of the time even if you have actually met them is strange when you think about it.



There is a mental illness to do with this.

Taltos

Mod note
Can everyone please step back from the medical diagnoses please. They are against our charter and will be actioned.
Similarly you may need to look at the tone, OP is in a vulnerable state and harsh advice while helpful for some needs to be tempered with knowledge of how it will be received.

Overly harsh advice will be actioned now as being unhelpful at best..

Thanks

LegacyUser

OP here, Thanks for that, Taltos. I know its unorthadox the whole situation but I am very aware of that - hence why I have posted. I am aware of the psychological reasonings behind why I formed such an attachment, so to those posters who have spoke home truths - its not new to me. However it was the coping mechanism of a young child, not a well informed adult like I am now so I had no control over it. So from that point of view it maybe a common reaction to traumatic childhood events?

For the record, it wasnt just her screen presence that had an effect on me, it was also the random connections to people and places from her own personal life that I couldnt get my head around. As I have said, im in a very good place at the moment, I got married recently and had my baby 3 months ago. But since the actress' death, those childhood memories have resurfaced - it's difficult to put the part she had to play in my life to rest, no matter how I rationalise or trivialise it. Very greatful to all for your replies thus far, much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Teafor two12345 wrote: »

I agree with absolutely everything you say. I don't think it's harsh at all but totally right. You are bang on. I might just say it more gently to the op etc.

Fantasy is playtime. It should bring fun and nothing else.

The OP's response is very unusual. I don't think it's normal. It's irrational and your previous feelings and thoughts when she was alive seem obsessional. They are not normal.As is wanting to know details of her life. I think it's obsessional to think you have a special connection with this woman at all. It seems compulsive.
I didn't get the princess Di thing.

If you were 13 or something I could see it as a part of development. Past sixteen it's strange.
Spending money for instance on a charity for her death would be borderline pathological level obsession I guess but so would be thinking of meeting her etc. Celebrity worship etc is an illness. Really thinking about one person a lot of the time even if you have actually met them is strange when you think about it.



There is a mental illness to do with this.

I just want to clarify a few things in response to this post. I never 'obsessed' about her beyond 16. As I mentioned in my OP, I didn't need to rely on this attachment as I entered college. It was as a 5-11 year old child which seems to indicate 'a part of development' using your words. In addition, I have never donated to a charity of hers or a charity in her name. Also, I never attempted to contact her ever as I have previously mentioned. Why should I? Its really nothing to do with her as it's my own issues being projected onto her. I have had moments of regret, naturally in response to her death but if I had the chance now thinking about it, I still wouldn't do it.

While I appreciate your input, you make some good points, I feel you are misinterpreting things I have said and jumping in with the mental illness card. I am very happy in my life and I have not needed to rely on this attachment for over 20 years. I have her movies and have put them on now and again to pass the time. To enjoy her acting and her charisma on screen like I remember as a child. But, you can argue that anyone can do that with an actor or movie they enjoy. Does that make any fan mentally ill? Just a question. Since her death, she has suddenly come back into my mind more frequently over the past few days. I have felt down and empty thinking back to the impact she had on me as a CHILD and the wonderful memories of being inspired. That chapter is now closed and it's difficult to process.

amdublin

There's no need to explain yourself op, or clarify, I think the majority of people understood what you were saying plus understood the reasons behind it.
I hope you are doing better over the last few days - things have been rough for you with Maureen O'Hara's death bring some things to the forefront for you. I hope you soon feel better about her death and yourself.


I'll repeat what I said to you when I first posted in this thread, be kind to you and look after yourself. Especially over the next while.

Teafor two12345

GrievingGirl wrote: »

I just want to clarify a few things in response to this post.

You don't need to defend yourself to me.

Always be kind to you every day not just today :-)

caille

Hi OP, I hope you are ok, just checking in, look after yourself.

LegacyUser

caille wrote: »

Hi OP, I hope you are ok, just checking in, look after yourself.

OP here, thanks Caille im doing ok. I decided to put on the Parent Trap during the week as I was at home one day with my daughter. My cousin came for a visit from England to see the baby and she came into the sitting room and saw it was on. Thank god she did because I was ready to weep! Turns out that the movie conjured up some fond memories for her too. It was just pure childhood wonderment on her part. I told her I was feeling a little blue as her death brought back difficult childhood memories - I didnt go into too much detail but just enough to get conversation going. It was quite cathartic to open up a little bit. Im doing much better as time has gone by. I never mentioned this in earlier posts but I named my daughter Kate after her character Mary Kate in the quiet man. I was telling my cousin the background to choosing her name and she said that it was lovely that her legacy is living on in a way. So by thinking in that way I suppose it has helped bring closure to things.