Advice please :(

LegacyUser

living with bf over four years. had a massive row at weekend and now he wants to move out but stay together. dont know what to think , feel like we are going backwards...any advice please

Toots

Are ye living together 4 years or just together 4 years and living together less? TBH spending a day or so away from the house after a row is one thing, but moving out completely seems like a pretty final act.

njs030

Was the fight bad enough to justify that action? Are you having a lot of problems in general?

It doesn't sound good tbh, it sounds like a gentle way of ending things- moving out then it'll be taking a break from each other and finally admitting its over.

R.D. aka MR.D

My OH and I lived together for almost 2 years. We then decided to live separately, I didn't have a problem with it. I thought the same as you at first, that we were going backwards. But I realised that my OH needed space and it was silly to cling to him and force him into something he wasn't comfortable with.

6 months into living apart, we decided to get married. Giving him that space was the catalyst for all of that. It was his first time living with a partner and I think he thought he would rather live alone again but then obviously decided differently. From living apart, we developed a much more understanding relationship and it took us out of the routine that people fall into when they live together.

In my opinion, it's okay to deviate from the 'done thing' or set script in relationships. Not every couple is the same and not everything works for them.

Saying all that, us moving apart was not caused by a fight. It was caused by my OH wanting space. Literally his own space and time to be alone.

LegacyUser

We were living together four years, have been a couple for six. No we don't argue in general, it was a stupid row with lots of emotions, and I over reacted completely. after I had calmed down he said he didn't think I could be like that and he was going to move out. He called in yesterday and he says he might still move back he is thinking about it, and he hasn't took his stuff yet. I'm so confused, I feel heartbroken bur I don't want to lose him. I think I am going to ring him later an tell him he has until Friday to let me no what he's doing as if he's gone I can't afford the house and will have to move out.

Dellnum

He could have just said he wanted to move out in the heat of the moment. Don't panic yet.

OneOfThem

Have you apologised for the "over reacting completely" (what did that entail?) thing?

R.D. aka MR.D

Desperate_15 wrote: »

I think I am going to ring him later an tell him he has until Friday to let me no what he's doing as if he's gone I can't afford the house and will have to move out.

Personally, I wouldn't do this. You are forcing an outcome on the situation. Of course the money is problem but maybe he would help you with next months rent even if he's not there. It would be the decent thing to do in this situation.

But if you roll in with, 'you have to tell me by Friday' then that might get his back up and you'll end up with a heat of the moment answer and it's one you might not like.

If you two had a big fight and you were in the wrong, then you need to give him time to think. Maybe he really did see a new side of you and he needs time to think about it.

Mourinho

I think this situation all depends on what your over the top reaction was, especially going by his "didn't think you'd be like that"

LegacyUser

Ok so he is still gone. I have stopped crying a little and am realising this is probably the end. He has been in a couple of times, and he is civil with me but he has changed towards me. He says he is still my partner, but he doesn't try to kiss or hug me the way he used to always 😣
I didn't ring him on Friday and say that to him, but I did text him earlier to say I am moving out Friday week and he just said ok.
By the fight, I meant he had been out late every nite all that week, not getting home until I was asleep. I was pissed off with him as I hadn't gotten to talk to him or anything as we both work full time, and I would be asleep by time he decided to come home. So when he came home on Saturday night I told him this. He didn't really give a **** and this made me worse. I got really angry and left the house, went for a spin and came back when I had calmed down. I know I overreacted, but I feel we were both wrong on Saturday night.
I met him a couple times during week and told him I was sorry and my reasons for it. I explained how I felt about it all and asked him his reasons. He wouldn't give me anything, just kept saying I dunno, or sorry.. Still so confused but I realise now I can't keep this up. I love him with everything but I don't think this is what he wants anymore 😣

bee06

To be honest it sounds like he's using you're "overreaction" as an excuse rather than it being the actual reason. People who are happy in their relationship don't deliberately avoid their partner for a week and then blow it off like its nothing when confronted.

kylith

It sounds like he was deliberately avoiding you for some reason, then using the fact that you were upset as an excuse to finish the relationship. To me it seems that he wanted out, but was just too cowardly to tell you straight out that it was over.

LegacyUser

As much as I don't want to admit it, I think this too. He is a lovely lad but he isn't great with responsibility if I'm honest. This is something he does, blame others when he is at fault. I have been pining for him all week, doing anything he asks and offering to do things to improve our situation. But he doesn't care. I think my overreacting was just his way of letting me down 😣 it's so hard to think I thought I had my whole life planned ahead of me. And in a split second it's gone. I don't know how I will trust anybody again

Ursus Horribilis

If he's not great with responsibility, that would explain the cowardly way he has been behaving. I wonder where was he hiding all week when he was staying out that late? I think this is over but he's too chicken to say the words himself. Just be careful he doesn't start using you for sex. Technically you're not yet broken up so you're in danger of falling into a sort of friends with benefits situation.

njs030

What was the overreaction? That you went out for a drive and to get some head space? That's a pretty common way to stop the row escalating!

I agree he was looking for an excuse to end things rather than admitting he was unhappy.

LegacyUser

Op here.. Just a quick update.. So I had my suspicions that he was cheating, and it was confirmed last night.. She text me on Facebook telling me to leave them alone.. Six years gone, all for a quick thing.. I wonder are all men the same, or is there anyone decent in this world.. So hard when u think u have ur life together

bee06

Sorry to hear that. There are good ones out there, unfortunately we have to wade through some of the bad ones to find them. Look after yourself x

Ursus Horribilis

Desperate_15 wrote: »

Op here.. Just a quick update.. So I had my suspicions that he was cheating, and it was confirmed last night.. She text me on Facebook telling me to leave them alone.. Six years gone, all for a quick thing.. I wonder are all men the same, or is there anyone decent in this world.. So hard when u think u have ur life together

She texted you? If that's what happened and it's not a typo, what a spineless waste of space he is. You're well rid and she's welcome to him. The other way of looking at this is that it is only six years. At least you're not married to him or have kids. You're still young enough to pick yourself up and start again when you feel ready. For now, be kind to yourself and don't even think about meeting someone else or worrying about the future.

daisybelle2008

OP, that is unbelievable , you were living with him a week ago so what the hell is she telling you to leave them alone for. What 'them'? What a ridiculous situation. Have you sent the message to him and asked what the hell is going on? I would . If it's any consolation she sounds like a head case . He is a spineless asshole sounds like they are better suited. You have been spared. Mind yourself be sure to talk to friends and family for support, it is quit a shock.

Ursus Horribilis

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

....Have you sent the message to him and asked what the hell is going on? I would .

Oh I'd say he knows all about the message. It was probably his idea in the first place and it would not surprise me if he was in the room when it was being sent. Why would he suddenly discover personal responsibility this late in the day?

dixiefly

Wow, she texted you!! So she cheats with a guy and then contacts the long term partner to stay away.
I wonder did she know about you from the start?

I kind of assume that you dont know her and that your details for the message came from him.

Anyway best of luck, it's tough and not easy to get over but definitely better off rid of him.

And I would insist that he pay half of the rent up until you leave.

daisybelle2008

Odus fell down wrote: »

Oh I'd say he knows all about the message. It was probably his idea in the first place and it would not surprise me if he was in the room when it was being sent. Why would he suddenly discover personal responsibility this late in the day?

Jesus that would be disgusting if true. :eek: OP, if you think he is capable of that, you are well rid.

zeffabelli

What a weak man. Has to use a woman as his ventriloquist puppet.

What a dumb woman for seeing that and still choosing him.

Tasden

Wow op if ever there was a case of bullet dodged!
From personal experience, him acting so cruelly will help you move on quicker and be thankful it ended when it did.
Look after yourself and don't get dragged into any text wars etc. Just remain dignified and be the bigger person and let the two of them at it. Sounds like they deserve each other tbh.

LegacyUser

Op here.. No it was not a typo, she had the neck to mail me about it all... I text him, but he wouldn't reply to me, I know they were together when she was texting me.. I do know the girl, we have never got on, but she's got quite a name for herself so I'm not a bit surprised that she text me.. He text me today and said I am nothing to him, so leave him alone, I didn't even reply.. That really hurt me, and yes it makes it somewhat easier that I definitely am better off without him.. I just wish he wasn't so cowardly and would have admitted it to me when I quizzed him

ColeTrain

Jesus, what a spineless excuse of a man he is. All I'll say is you have come across very well here and seem very strong. Keep your head up and remember it really is a bullet dodged. Let them at it, cut all contact and keep close to your friends and family in the next few weeks. You'll soon look back at this and be damn glad you got away from this coward when you did. Best of luck to you.

SAMTALK

OP What an awful thing to happen to you. I cant believe he would say you mean nothing to him.. You must be heartbroken. You can be sure he will live to regret his actions and treatment of you. It might take time but it will happen. Hope you can move on from this

road_high

Desperate_15 wrote: »

Op here.. No it was not a typo, she had the neck to mail me about it all... I text him, but he wouldn't reply to me, I know they were together when she was texting me.. I do know the girl, we have never got on, but she's got quite a name for herself so I'm not a bit surprised that she text me.. He text me today and said I am nothing to him, so leave him alone, I didn't even reply.. That really hurt me, and yes it makes it somewhat easier that I definitely am better off without him.. I just wish he wasn't so cowardly and would have admitted it to me when I quizzed him

What kind of a selfish plonker does this? To deflect away from his pond life behaviour he wants to portray you as some kind of bunny boiler chasing him...lowest of the low.
A real man would fess up and acknowledge the wrong doing...

Sunflower 27

I'm so sorry, OP. He is a coward that was waiting for an argument to use as an excuse to leave and make you feel like the split was your fault.

He sounds totally spineless, the cheating issue aside, and this has been an absolute blessing although I doubt you will see that for a while.

Don't close off your heart. Not all men treat women the way your ex has.

As for his new bit of stuff.... He's her problem now.

Get your friends around you and take care of yourself. The road back from heartache is rocky, but it doesn't last forever. I wish you all the best

road_high

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

I'm so sorry, OP. He is a coward that was waiting for an argument to use as an excuse to leave and make you feel like the split was your fault.

He sounds totally spineless, the cheating issue aside, and this has been an absolute blessing although I doubt you will see that for a while.

Don't close off your heart. Not all men treat women the way your ex has.

As for his new bit of stuff.... He's her problem now.

Get your friends around you and take care of yourself. The road back from heartache is rocky, but it doesn't last forever. I wish you all the best

The new relationship will end in disaster, I'd set my watch by it... Once the excitement wears off and the true colours shine through between them, it'll be nuclear.
I always judge people by past behaviours as its a good indicator of future ones...

Ursus Horribilis

Desperate_15 wrote: »

..but he isn't great with responsibility if I'm honest. This is something he does, blame others when he is at fault.

I think this explains a lot. He doesn't have a track record of taking responsibility for things so he was never going to give you a straight answer if fobbing you off would do. Then he turned the whole thing back on you and made you out to be the bunny boiler. I bet he is/was terrified that you'd corner him and make him answer uncomfortable questions. By saying such mean things, he has blown all of that out of the water. It wouldn't surprise me if his new woman's influencing this. He's very brave now that he has her to come out swinging if needs be. He's coming across as a gutless individual and that's not a positive personality trait. You're well rid.