I don't trust men anymore

LegacyUser

The title sums it up. After having a bad experience of being lead on, lied to, used and then dumped like garbage. I find myself unable to trust men at all which is keeping me single.

LittleMuppet

The same thing happened to me. Twice. It took me ages to get over it and get my self confidence back but I did it. OP the best thing you can do is try not to wallow in it, get out with your friends, enjoy your life and forget all about the miserable backstard. I know its easier said than done, but its not impossible. All men are not like the ‘man' you referred to in your post. My partner is living proof of that. It took a while for me but my family and friends helped me hugely through it all. Get yourself a new haircut, treat yourself to a manicure or something that you never normally do and don't worry about being single. Believe me, in a while you'll look back on all this and be glad that it happened. You're on to bigger and better things! Best of luck :-)

a fat guy

I can't trust men either. We're all bastards, really.

On a serious note, acknowledge that this mistrust is an issue for you to deal with and it won't affect your future relationships. Otherwise it'll just feck up your life. Just do what you can to let it go and you'll be fine.

Pawwed Rig

It seems a bit extreme to mistrust ALL men/women/Africans/Gay people etc because of your experiences with 1 and judging by your post I think you realise this. I would sense a deeper underlying issue here that should be addressed. Would you consider counselling?

zeffabelli

I used to think like this too but what it really was is I don't trust my own judgement.

Exactly.

If I went by some instances, I'd think that all women are bitches. But i don't, because while I know some are, the vast majority are not.

Some people, regardless of gender, are a$$holes and don't deserve your trust. Just get better at recognizing which ones don't.

eviltwin

If you've recently been hurt a degree of this kind of generalisation is to be expected. When you feel raw it's natural to want to protect yourself. But I suspect you know deep down that not all men are like this and that for whatever reason you have been unlucky in your choices. Take some time to heal and then look at things with a clear mind. There's a saying that we attract the love we think we deserve. It could be you're vulnerable to begin with an are attracting the type of person who exploits that. You need to work on your self esteem, focus on that first. Most men are decent, don't let a few bad apples influence your opinion.

CaraMay

zeffabelli wrote: »

I used to think like this too but what it really was is I don't trust my own judgement.

These are the truest words you will hear. You can't possibly mistrust all men as that makes no sense but you can have no trust in your own judgement. You don't give much context here but it's bound to damage your confidence if you knowingly stayed with someone you knew to be lying to you.

The best thing you can do is figure out what mistakes you made in that relationship and learn from them. Did you rush in too quickly? Did you ignore red flags / your gut?

All men aren't bad but until you know what YOU did wrong in the relationship and learn from it, you will never move on.

Teafor two12345

When first read your title I was pleased but then I saw you feared it kept you single. That sent shudders through me. Do you ever think it kept you alive more than once?

Why would you trust people?

I have come to a conclusion recently. Trust is earned ...the hard way. Life is unfair bad things happen. That works two ways. Life is unfair I subject others to twice the scrutiny from here on in as I expect myself. Why? I KNOW me I KNOW i am a good person. I don't know you.

I used to think a friend knowing a guy was something I should invest trust in. BS.

Firstly know this most men or people do not want or CARE about your trust. And only some of who do want your trust want it for the right reasons. If a man WANTS your trust for the right reasons he will work for and show that to you. Otherwise you are UNSAFE with that person. it may keep you single but it will also keep you safe and alive.

Be civil to most be polite to more than half be kind to some and be trusting of a few.

Once they show they are suspicious or untrustworthy YOU KNOW. you don't have to wait to find out more.

Make people EARN your trust. BE UNFAIR. LIFE IS UNFAIR.

An air of foreboding while walking in the dark is perfectly fine for women. It shows you don't want strangers to approach you on the street etc. Don't forget situations mean diff levels of trust. As do people.

Make men EARN YOUR TRUST AND MAKE SURE THEY WANT IT. IF A MAN DOES NOT WANT YOUR TRUST AND CANNOT EARN IT HE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY.

Yes you will be single perhaps longer than most. But safer too.

Tigger99

The previous post is quite paranoid and slightly disturbing.

Anyways, if any person, man or woman, feels that they are being asked to prove their trustworthiness to someone they will not stick around. Who would want to be assumed guilty when they haven't done anything wrong.

OP I think counselling is a great idea. Good luck with it.

Teafor two12345

Personally I don't feel it's paranoid. But there you go.

Teafor two12345

Teafor two12345 wrote: »

When first read your title I was pleased but then I saw you feared it kept you single. That sent shudders through me. Do you ever think it kept you alive more than once?

Why would you trust people?

I have come to a conclusion recently. Trust is earned ...the hard way. Life is unfair bad things happen. That works two ways. Life is unfair I subject others to twice the scrutiny from here on in as I expect myself. Why? I KNOW me I KNOW i am a good person. I don't know you.

I used to think a friend knowing a guy was something I should invest trust in. BS.

Firstly know this most men or people do not want or CARE about your trust. And only some of who do want your trust want it for the right reasons. If a man WANTS your trust for the right reasons he will work for and show that to you. Otherwise you are UNSAFE with that person. it may keep you single but it will also keep you safe and alive.

Be civil to most be polite to more than half be kind to some and be trusting of a few.

Once they show they are suspicious or untrustworthy YOU KNOW. you don't have to wait to find out more.

Make people EARN your trust. BE UNFAIR. LIFE IS UNFAIR.

An air of foreboding while walking in the dark is perfectly fine for women. It shows you don't want strangers to approach you on the street etc. Don't forget situations mean diff levels of trust. As do people.

Make men EARN YOUR TRUST AND MAKE SURE THEY WANT IT. IF A MAN DOES NOT WANT YOUR TRUST AND CANNOT EARN IT HE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY.

Yes you will be single perhaps longer than most. But safer too.

Sorry, but this isn't very good advice and comes off as overly paranoid, with sexist undertones.

Clampdown

So then be single, if that's what you want. But since you say 'keeping me single', it sounds like that's not what you want. It sounds like you have a desire for a relationship, but you want it to be with someone you trust. Okay, that's fine too. It's not an overly extravagant desire, in fairness.

BUT, and this may sound weird, but you will have to actually be even MORE open and trusting to find that person. Not the other way around like another poster suggested. All that 'make men earn your trust' stuff? I find it tends to comes from women who habitually date jerks and jerks and more jerks. I never see them with the guy who earned it. Why should the kind of guy you really want to meet, a truly lovely man, be made to feel like they must carry a weight around their neck for a specific amount of time until they reach this magical land of trust? Why would this lovely person feel they have to do that, considering that weight is made up of YOUR emotional baggage. Well they probably won't. The only ones who are likely to feel they deserve to have to do that are guys who know they ARE jerks.

If you are all suspicious and closed off and your vibe is all 'Earn my trust, prove to me you are not a b@$tard.', the people who are genuine and unbastardly will in all likelihood will just think you are not receptive to them and be turned off. They will just feel like you are on a different wavelength. I don't know if I totally believe the whole 'law of attraction' new agey stuff but in this matter I think it applies.

Let the wounds heal with time. Than decide if you want to remain single, which will insulate you from being hurt to a degree, or if you wish to open yourself up again and take the risk that comes with it. There's no getting around it, you can't do both. If your first thought for every guy you meet is 'here's another guy who seems nice but probably really isn't,' it will no doubt protect you from some jerks but at the same time it is a barrier to the genuine fellas. And believe it or not those men didn't intend to hurt you or ruin your life, most of the time. They were just selfish because they were not really in love. Which does not mean you are unlovable or not worthy of love, my dear. To the contrary, you deserve better and that person who let you down is now out of the way so the better situation can reach you more easily.

Many of us go through a slew of failed relationships. Don't let it turn you into a victim or make you feel like you are damaged goods because the one you thought was the one just wasnt. However they have hurt you, they did you a favor in the long run, but it does take time for that to become apparent. How long you choose to hold onto the hurt is totally up to you.

When I was much younger, I had 2 consecutive long term relationships. In each case, I eventually realized that we were not really 100% right for each other based on what we wanted from life, etc. In each case I left the woman, totally broke their hearts. Not proud of it because I never intended to hurt such lovely individuals who, quite frankly deserved much better than the person I was then. But remarkably, in both cases they each met their future husbands within 2 years of me leaving them. That doesn't make it okay that I hurt them, but it goes to show that you can meet that person you always wanted at any time, no matter what the last jerk did to you, or the last 11 jerks did to you. It only takes 1 non-jerk to make you happy, and they are out there. They are SO out there. And if you don't believe that, then you are probably better off just staying single, as you are currently doing.

Though I do know from talking to my exes that they did take things slow at first and were friends with the person before they got into a relationship with them which made it easier to trust them. For myself, I took a long hard look at whether I was really the type of person who should get into relationships at all since I had twice ended up deeply hurting people I thought the world of. It's a learning process for everyone, this relationship jazz, even for the jerks. They are learning, too and they will have hard lessons also. They may look back and deeply regret that they let you get away. Especially when you move on and live happily ever after, which you eventually will, if and when you choose to. Best of luck to you.