sister's boyfriend cheated - advice for ME

LegacyUser

Hi

I recently found out that my sister's very long term boyfriend cheated on her.

They are going to try to work it out.

I know it's not my relationship but I personally have zero tolerance when it comes to infidelity and lies.

I'm just looking for some advice on how I should behave - next week there is a family wedding. They will both be there. Most of the people who will be at the wedding don't know about the infidelity.

I know that if she has decided to forgive him that I have to respect that, and I am working on that. But to what extent do I have to "accept" him? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about him and while I obviously don't want to make an already difficult situation worse for my sister, I don't really think that being around him and having to make conversation with him is going to be good for my health or stress levels.

It is a very small family wedding but really the wedding is only the beginning of this. We are talking about Christmas then in a few more weeks and all the other family occasions that will come in the future

Thank you

athtrasna

Sorry OP but it really is none of your business. Judge not lest ye be judged. If you can't be civil in his company then avoid his company, you being there seething really isn't helping anyone.

zoe 3619

Guess you have to respect your sisters decision even if you feel it's wrong.
Be there for her if it doesn't work out,and in the meantime be polite to him for her sake.
You don't have to engage with him if you don't feel comfortable.smile,say hello.then you're off to get a drink or needed elsewhere.

LegacyUser

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athtrasna wrote: »

Sorry OP but it really is none of your business. Judge not lest ye be judged. If you can't be civil in his company then avoid his company, you being there seething really isn't helping anyone.

Thanks for your reply.

I'm not being smart - just really trying to get my head round this. Are you telling me athrasna that I just have to act like I never knew this and that I am supposed to just go back to having a laugh with him and asking him about his day? Is that what people do?

zoe 3619 wrote: »

Guess you have to respect your sisters decision even if you feel it's wrong.
Be there for her if it doesn't work out,and in the meantime be polite to him for her sake.
You don't have to engage with him if you don't feel comfortable.smile,say hello.then you're off to get a drink or needed elsewhere.

Thank you. I do respect her decision. I just don't know if I can ever be around him without feeling sick. It's not that I want to make him feel bad or that I'm angry at him. I just feel so sad that he did this to her and he has made her feel so bad. By her own admission she is only staying as she feels too tired and old to start again.

Am I a bad person for not being able to let it go? When I say let it go, I mean forget it. I don't intend on confronting him about it. I am not going to interfere or make my sister feel bad, but I can't unknowingly what I know. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?

Ursus Horribilis

If you're rude or openly hostile to this guy, you're going to damage your relationship with your sister. She's going to be extra sensitive after what happened so she might take offence more easily if you're rude to him. What you don't want is her falling out with you or her not coming along to family occasions because of the way he's treated.

If you're finding it hard to be nice, think of it as something pragmatic you have to do. See it as you playing a longer game. If her relationship hits the rocks in the future, at least she'll have you to turn to.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

If you're rude or openly hostile to this guy, you're going to damage your relationship with your sister. She's going to be extra sensitive after what happened so she might take offence more easily if you're rude to him. What you don't want is her falling out with you or her not coming along to family occasions because of the way he's treated.

If you're finding it hard to be nice, think of it as something pragmatic you have to do. See it as you playing a longer game. If her relationship hits the rocks in the future, at least she'll have you to turn to.

Thank you.

Yes, I agree that being hostile or rude to him is not a good idea. For starters, I nearly think that if I were to let loose on him he would nearly feel better than if I ignore it.

I have no intention on being nasty to him. But I can't really explain how I feel better than this - when I'm around him I feel so upset. I've been asking my OH if my reaction to this is normal. I feel like I'm reacting as if I am the one who has been cheated on, but I guess that in a way he has deceived me as well as my sister. We would never have said that he was a guy who would have done this, it has knocked us all for six.

I like your way of looking at things, as me playing a longer game. That's a really good way of looking at it.

Neyite

sisboyfhelp wrote: »

]

Thanks for your reply.

I'm not being smart - just really trying to get my head round this. Are you telling me athrasna that I just have to act like I never knew this and that I am supposed to just go back to having a laugh with him and asking him about his day? Is that what people do?

Kinda, yeah. It's happened me with couple of siblings, and while it can change how you feel overall about a person because they hurt your loved one, I had to just suck it up and remember that my sibling really wanted to make another go of it and if my feelings influenced their reconciled relationship it was only hurting my sibling more.

You wont forget (or forgive) but by supporting her choice, you can be there when it all goes tits up again.

wrote:

Thank you. I do respect her decision. I just don't know if I can ever be around him without feeling sick. It's not that I want to make him feel bad or that I'm angry at him. I just feel so sad that he did this to her and he has made her feel so bad. By her own admission she is only staying as she feels too tired and old to start again.

Am I a bad person for not being able to let it go? When I say let it go, I mean forget it. I don't intend on confronting him about it. I am not going to interfere or make my sister feel bad, but I can't unknowingly what I know. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?

This might be why you are feeling strongly about him. Because the choice she made isn't really a choice, is it? It's a cop out and you know that and know your lovely sister could do so much better at any age. And that makes you angry because you love her and value her worth and her partner doesn't.

You don't have to be best friends with him when you see him. You can be civil, and polite, but you are under no obligation to be his best buddy, and chat away for ages with him either- go to the loo/ bar, go say hi to Auntie X. You have strong feelings about cheating, and there is nothing really wrong with that.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Kinda, yeah. It's happened me with couple of siblings, and while it can change how you feel overall about a person because they hurt your loved one, I had to just suck it up and remember that my sibling really wanted to make another go of it and if my feelings influenced their reconciled relationship it was only hurting my sibling more.

You wont forget (or forgive) but by supporting her choice, you can be there when it all goes tits up again.





This might be why you are feeling strongly about him. Because the choice she made isn't really a choice, is it? It's a cop out and you know that and know your lovely sister could do so much better at any age. And that makes you angry because you love her and value her worth and her partner doesn't.

You don't have to be best friends with him when you see him. You can be civil, and polite, but you are under no obligation to be his best buddy, and chat away for ages with him either- go to the loo/ bar, go say hi to Auntie X. You have strong feelings about cheating, and there is nothing really wrong with that.

You are right. I'm angry because I feel she has been backed into a corner essentially. Also, I never mentioned before as I was trying to be vague, but they moved abroad a while back and I also truly believe that if she had us family closer things would be very different.

Thank you to all of you who have replied. You have made me see through my own feelings, which are not the most important ones right now.

LegacyUser

Perfectly understandable that you'd be sick of the sight of this guy. But! - your sis has chosen to forgive/work on things with him. You might not agree with her, but that's her decision, not yours.

If you are really off with him at family events, you're going to make your sis feel awful, and if it's quite obvious, people will start asking your sis what's going on, like did you and her BF have a row. This will only stress her out more.

Honestly, I think you have to put your feelings away. Of course it's a very conflicted situation for you: loyalty to your sis means that you can't stand him right now for what he's done; but the harder bit of loyalty to your sis means that you have to support her decision, even if you disagree with it. (I'd be saying v different if the guy was abusive. But cheating is a whole grey area re why things happened / how far it went / whether it was just sex, or an emotional thing - tbh that's your sis call, whether she can move on from it or not).

No need to pretend that you're this guys best buddy, but you do need to put your exceptionally strong feelings aside and be civil to him. For your sis. Your feelings aren't important in this scenario.

Colser

The bottom line here is that this will always be an elephant in the room when you are in his company OP.
He knows that you know about it and that is enough.You only need to be civil but he will know exactly how you feel and its he should be feeling uncomfortable not you.A look can say way more than words in these situations.

Dont waste your time feeling angry at him but make sure your sister knows she can come to you if/when she gets the strength to leave him or if/when he does it again. If she knows how upset and mad are now she may be reluctant to confide in you in future. She is the main concern here tbh and Id bet she is still in bits over the whole thing .

LegacyUser

Put your own feelings aside wrote: »

Perfectly understandable that you'd be sick of the sight of this guy. But! - your sis has chosen to forgive/work on things with him. You might not agree with her, but that's her decision, not yours.

If you are really off with him at family events, you're going to make your sis feel awful, and if it's quite obvious, people will start asking your sis what's going on, like did you and her BF have a row. This will only stress her out more.

Honestly, I think you have to put your feelings away. Of course it's a very conflicted situation for you: loyalty to your sis means that you can't stand him right now for what he's done; but the harder bit of loyalty to your sis means that you have to support her decision, even if you disagree with it. (I'd be saying v different if the guy was abusive. But cheating is a whole grey area re why things happened / how far it went / whether it was just sex, or an emotional thing - tbh that's your sis call, whether she can move on from it or not).

No need to pretend that you're this guys best buddy, but you do need to put your exceptionally strong feelings aside and be civil to him. For your sis. Your feelings aren't important in this scenario.

Thank you for your reply.


Thank you to all - I'm really glad that I came here to look for advice.

I know that it is not my life or my relationship and I also knew that I was unintentionally being selfish in my reaction but just needed to hear it from others.

I'm also thankful for peoples' suggestions on how to make the situation more bearable for all - it's very important to me that I handle the whole thing properly.

This is the biggest thing I have ever had to do in terms of my own self-development if that makes any sense. It's the biggest challenge I have ever faced and I feel that if I can get through this and not judge him and accept this situation (as I must do) then it might actually make me a better person.

CaraMay

How bad was the cheating? Night / week / year? I would pass myself but not engage in any conversation with him at all. Is he even sorry? I feel sorry for your sister. Not only because he's cheated on her but because she is willing to accept it and too weak to leave him. That's got to eat at you every day.

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

How bad was the cheating? Night / week / year? I would pass myself but not engage in any conversation with him at all. Is he even sorry? I feel sorry for your sister. Not only because he's cheated on her but because she is willing to accept it and too weak to leave him. That's got to eat at you every day.

One thing you shouldn't do is be judgemental of your sister like that. Nobody likes cheaters but sometimes if you are too hostile you are also hurting those who have been cheated on. People make what they think is best decision for them and you have to respect that.

I don't think anyone will blame you if you will be cold with him, just leave excessive emotion out of it. It's likely he will be sheepish too and avoid your family. All you need is to make sure your sister doesn't end up thinking you despise her for decision she made. But you can happily ignore him when she us not around.

Ursus Horribilis

The future's not set in stone so who knows what might happen down the line? This may be far from over....

I don't blame you for finding this hard. I'm pretty sure that if I was in your shoes I'd find it hard to be civil too. If you can, don't get yourself into situations where you find yourself stuck beside him for lengthy periods of time. The ideal situation would be where you can be (fake) nice to him for a short period of time, exchange pleasantries then go talk to someone else. If you and your sister are close (and it sounds like you are), he's going to have an inkling that you know anyway. So he'll probably not going to want to spend much time near you either.

You're looking for advice about yourself in a situation that doesn't involve you at all.

Hmm.

They're both adults. They made a decision - whether you respect said decision doesn't really matter.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

You're looking for advice about yourself in a situation that doesn't involve you at all.

Hmm.

They're both adults. They made a decision - whether you respect said decision doesn't really matter.

I actually completely disagree with you that this situation does not involve me at all.

Also - I am aware that whether I respect that decision or not doesn't really matter - that's not what I was asking.

LegacyUser

Apologies, just to elaborate on my last post

The situation totally involves me because this is my sister and my family and he could quite potentially become my brother in law. So while the decision doesn't involve me, the situation most certainly does. When you sit on the phone for hours listening to your sister at her wits end and you are too far away to call round and even give her a hug, you are involved.

Also, I am not here to rant about how I don't like the decision that my sister has made. I don't. But I have acknowledged from post one that it is not my decision to make. I was looking for advice on the extent to which we have to accept him into our family home again.

OhDearyMe

OP, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I'm very close to my sister and recently found out some news about her partner told in confidence to me by her - news that could even be worse than cheating and was staying with them both for a few days. All I could do was suck it up and be reasonably friendly and civil (not best pals) for her sake. Sometimes you have to do these things for the sake of peace, even if it feels wrong. It's between your sister and him and they've chosen to carry on, so you have to respect that and do your best to make the already awkward and humiliating situation for your sister a little easier and if that means faking it, then so be it.

LegacyUser

OhDearyMe wrote: »

OP, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I'm very close to my sister and recently found out some news about her partner told in confidence to me by her - news that could even be worse than cheating and was staying with them both for a few days. All I could do was suck it up and be reasonably friendly and civil (not best pals) for her sake. Sometimes you have to do these things for the sake of peace, even if it feels wrong. It's between your sister and him and they've chosen to carry on, so you have to respect that and do your best to make the already awkward and humiliating situation for your sister a little easier and if that means faking it, then so be it.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear that you and your sister are going through something even worse than this. You are right, I have to just get on with it. Be civil. And yes, this is awkward and humiliating for her and I certainly don't want to make it worse.

As she talks through her mind with me - should I just listen or should I ask her to question some of the things she is saying. Like for example. He cheated because he felt X. Is it okay for me to be saying Well, you felt X too but you didn't cheat. Or He is really sad that he hurt me. But I would like her to question if he is so guilty how come the guilt only set in after he was caught, not after the act

Or is this meddling?

OhDearyMe

sisboyfhelp wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear that you and your sister are going through something even worse than this. You are right, I have to just get on with it. Be civil. And yes, this is awkward and humiliating for her and I certainly don't want to make it worse.

As she talks through her mind with me - should I just listen or should I ask her to question some of the things she is saying. Like for example. He cheated because he felt X. Is it okay for me to be saying Well, you felt X too but you didn't cheat. Or He is really sad that he hurt me. But I would like her to question if he is so guilty how come the guilt only set in after he was caught, not after the act

Or is this meddling?

I'd say do it with as much tact and kindness as possible. People don't like to be preached at (not saying that's what you're doing) or told they're making a mistake. Your tone is in danger of coming across accusatory. Sometimes people have to discover these things for themselves and this takes time but gentle questions such as, "Do you think this is something you can move on from down the line?" are helpful, I think.

LegacyUser

OhDearyMe wrote: »

I'd say do it with as much tact and kindness as possible. People don't like to be preached at (not saying that's what you're doing) or told they're making a mistake. Your tone is in danger of coming across accusatory. Sometimes people have to discover these things for themselves and this takes time but gentle questions such as, "Do you think this is something you can move on from down the line?" are helpful, I think.

Yeah, I don't want to come across as preaching. I can't preach. I have no idea what it is like to be in her position. Thank you for your advice. Will keep my questions or my input neutral

CaraMay

Well maybe she needs to be told she making a mistake. I don't see why people are pussyfooting around the issue. The issue isbt that she's taking him back as such it's because she is doing it brvause she can't be bothered starting again. It will happen again as she's shown that she's a walkover. Sometimes people need to hear that.

Shrap

OP, just a word of warning about you knowing of your sister's situation where others in your family don't.

First off, about your feelings on how your sister is handling this and the choices she makes......you are the listening ear. As soon as you start passing judgement and/or advice (and it sounds like you know this yourself already) then you are actually closing the door for her to rely on you for support, as when people take decisions that go against the grain, it can become too hard to hear the truth from others and they isolate themselves. Just have an open door policy towards her, even if you do privately despair of her choices.

Secondly, at the wedding, there will be drink taken I imagine?! Hopefully nothing will kick off like your sister having a stand up row with her partner or either of them trying to talk to you about the situation. These things can and do happen at weddings as you know, and you, as the person who knows most about it could conceivably get cornered or stuck in between a drunken sister/partner/relative who just heard about it. I would suggest that you have a "one size fits all" policy of saying (to anyone, including your sister) "This is not the time or place. Not now, not here, suck it up and we'll talk tomorrow. Respect the occasion, etc." Just a thought, in case of the heightened emotions getting the better of anyone!

Best of luck and enjoy the wedding.

Midnight Sundance

I would love to see how neutral those people would be themselves that are telling you it's none of your business.
I too would find it difficult to go back to normal with him and I don't think you should be expected to.
In saying that , your sister has decided to make a go of it with him so for her sake you will have to too.
I don't think anyone would expect you to be sitting down having the laugh with him making jokes and pretending nothing ever happened.
I think for now just keep it polite, pass yourself. Try not to be hostile but you don't have to have the arms wide open.
Maybe in time you can learn to have a better relationship with him if he can prove he's sorry . People do make mistakes and some will never do it again so I suppose be wary but learn over time to let time heal. For your sisters sake.

MissFlitworth

CaraMay wrote: »

Well maybe she needs to be told she making a mistake. I don't see why people are pussyfooting around the issue.

But you don't know that she's made a mistake, infidelity isn't the death of every relationship it happens in. It might mean that the OPs sister and her husband have to take time now to work on their relationship. Or to see if they want to stay in the relationship. And those are decisions best made on neutral ground, because there's nothing worse than seeing someone go back on a decision they made to leave a bad relationship because they decide later on that they wouldn't have left in the first place only x, y & z kept telling me what a fool I was being (I've seen this, it sucks)

OP it's really hard to be the better person in this situation and you definitely don't have to be his best friend. But if you can be polite and neutral you make a social event that has the potential to stress the hell out of your sister easier and you don't give anyone any amo for the 'way they've behaved' "Your family are so rude to me, of course I did x thing". And something to keep in mind is that someone who cheats isn't always an evil sh1tbag. You never know what's going on in a relationship or in someone's head. Give them the space to figure out if they can be ok after this so they can heal and make the right decision for themselves. And help build your sister up. If she is hanging about in this because she feels tired and old help her find her young & hot self.

CaraMay

I made it clear that the mistake IMHO is taking him because because she's too tired to try afresh. That's got to eat at you.