pulling out of being a Bridesmaid?

AvonEnniskerry

Hi. Last year I reluctantly agreed to be a friends bridesmaid. I had a young child so I initially said if she'd rather find someone else I'd be fine with that but appreciated being asked. The wedding now isn't until next year and I'm pregnant again with a baby due 4 months before the wedding... I've explained this to the bride as she was eager to find dresses. And we came to the conclusion that I'd get a size larger than usual and get it altered after I had the baby. No purchases have been made yet.

But due to complications in the pregnancy I have just found out I will possibly require a c section and will almost definitely require surgery after the birth (after healing). This surgery would be invasive enough and not a standard day procedure.

Which is better? Do I remain as bridesmaid. Very likely incapable of doing much due to recovery and with two young kids in tow or do I pull out giving her the option of having a more reliable one? Would that insult her?

Advise is much appreciated as I don't want her thinking me ungrateful and she is still an amazing friend.

andreac

Hi there,

To be honest, it sounds like you are going to have enough on your plate without worrying about being a bridesmaid. I know if it was me and my friend said she needed to pull out for these reasons i would totally understand. Im sure she will be disappointed as she wanted you as bridesmaid, but if she's a good friend she will understand.

I would go with how you feel and what you want to do. Your health is def more important.

podgemonster

Not at all. You have a more than valid excuse to pull out and it looks like this is already causing you some unnecessary stress. As the previous poster said, your health both physically and mentally (and the health of the newborn) should always be the priority.

If your friend is truly amazing I'm sure she'll understand albeit be somewhat disappointed. But you'll be giving her plenty of notice and she hasn't bought the dresses yet, plenty of time for a Plan B.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

dori_dormer

With all that going on surgery / newborn wise it's possible you might not even make the wedding,

If she's a good friend she'll understand. If you're not that close, explain you don't want her spending all that money on dresses , booking hair and makeup etc, hen party when you might not be able to go.
Say you'd like to just be a normal guest and hope for the best!

AvonEnniskerry

Thanks everyone. I just really wanted to make sure i wasn't out of line suggesting it but I'd hate to be unable to help out when that's the responsibility I signed up for...

K_P

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I just really wanted to make sure i wasn't out of line suggesting it but I'd hate to be unable to help out when that's the responsibility I signed up for...

Yes, you signed up for this, but things have significantly changed since. You have very valid reasons to pull out and you're clearly not doing it lightly. Also, the wedding is still quite a while away, months if not a year away. Considering the circumstances, anyone but the most self-absorbed of bridezillas would understand why you have to pull out.

GalwayGrrrrrl

If I was the bride I would rather you pull out now (before dresses bought etc) instead of at the last minute if you are feeling unwell nearer the time. I'm sure she will realise that you have to put your own health first. Go to the wedding as a guest and relax about it all. Good luck with your pregnancy.

SecretBride

When I got married last time one of my bridesmaids, my sister in law, knew she was pregnant at the time of asking her and announced it to everybody 2 weeks after I had ordered and paid for the dresses. She was 8 months pregnant at the wedding....I'm not going to lie, the stress we had running around trying to get her dress altered last minute was a nightmare and probably caused me the most wedding stress!

I'm only telling to this as I agree with the last poster.....tell her before dresses are bought :-) You could still go with them if you want to be part of the bridesmaid experience but you have more than enough on your plate to deal with and she should totally understand.....good luck with the birth x

pwurple

Oh my goodness tell her. Even without the wedding day itself, there's the hen or the fittings and an other number of things to participate in that you may not be able to make.

Tarzana2

One of my sis's bridesmaids pulled out as she was going to be eight months pregnant on the day. When she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she and her husband had just starting trying for another baby, but she didn't think she would fall pregnant so quickly (it happened only a few weeks after starting to try) Also, she doesn't live in Ireland and would have required special permission from the doctor to travel and insurance might have been an issue too. My sister was grand with it. She was disappointed, because the bridesmaid is one of her oldest friends but she completely understood. Your friend should be grand with it and you said she's an amazing person so I don't foresee a problem!

AvonEnniskerry

I told her this morning. She was genuinely fantastic about it and would like me if I'm up for it to join them getting ready that morning and to come with her when she's choosing a dress. I still feel bad but would hate to disappoint her nearer the time. Thank you so much for all your advice. You gave me confidence in what was a difficult decision to make.

GalwayGrrrrrl

Glad it worked out well for you OP.

AoifeCork

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

I told her this morning. She was genuinely fantastic about it and would like me if I'm up for it to join them getting ready that morning and to come with her when she's choosing a dress. I still feel bad but would hate to disappoint her nearer the time. Thank you so much for all your advice. You gave me confidence in what was a difficult decision to make.

Well done OP! You should,not feel bad at all... Health comes first maybe suggest helping her with something you have the capacity to do now before you get too far along and won't have time/energy... Might be a nice way to bond and be involved with the wedding in some way. You definitely shouldn't feel bad though. Hope everything goes well for you

CaraMay

Am delighted she was such a good friend and no sign of a bridezilla

Neyite

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

I told her this morning. She was genuinely fantastic about it and would like me if I'm up for it to join them getting ready that morning and to come with her when she's choosing a dress. I still feel bad but would hate to disappoint her nearer the time. Thank you so much for all your advice. You gave me confidence in what was a difficult decision to make.

An Honorary Bridesmaid - even better! You get to be included in some of the festivities if you feel up to it on the day, but have none of the worries that you would be letting her down if you were too ill to attend.

That friend is a keeper

Ruby31

SecretBride wrote: »

When I got married last time one of my bridesmaids, my sister in law, knew she was pregnant at the time of asking her and announced it to everybody 2 weeks after I had ordered and paid for the dresses. She was 8 months pregnant at the wedding....I'm not going to lie, the stress we had running around trying to get her dress altered last minute was a nightmare and probably caused me the most wedding stress!

I'm only telling to this as I agree with the last poster.....tell her before dresses are bought :-) You could still go with them if you want to be part of the bridesmaid experience but you have more than enough on your plate to deal with and she should totally understand.....good luck with the birth x

How many weeks was she when you asked her to be bridesmaid? If it was before the 12 weeks, then she was entitled to keep it to herself.

AvonEnniskerry

Ruby31 wrote:

How many weeks was she when you asked her to be bridesmaid? If it was before the 12 weeks, then she was entitled to keep it to herself.

Personally I told the bride before I was 12weeks gone because I knew she was trying to plan. But she was a good friend and I asked her to keep it to herself. Each to their own. I know this question isn't directed at me.

pooch90

Ruby31 wrote: »

How many weeks was she when you asked her to be bridesmaid? If it was before the 12 weeks, then she was entitled to keep it to herself.

To be honest, there is no way I would have let a bride order me an expensive dress if I knew I was pregnant and likely not to fit in it. Especially not if I was going to announce it 2 weeks later. If they were close enough for her to be a bridesmaid in the first place then close enough to tell her in confidence and ask not to say anything.

SecretBride

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

Personally I told the bride before I was 12weeks gone because I knew she was trying to plan. But she was a good friend and I asked her to keep it to herself. Each to their own. I know this question isn't directed at me.

Not had a baby so not sure of weeks lol......but I asked at Xmas and he was born on June 4th....I had no issue with her not telling me about the pregnancy but I did feel she could have said no to bridesmaid completely or put off dress shopping for a couple of weeks until it was announced. Either way I wouldn't have minded and once I knew why it would have all made sense anyway 😀