Mixed Messages

LegacyUser

Just looking for some advice here on a girl i've been seeing for a couple of weeks. We met on tinder and chatted for a few days before deciding to meet up and had a really great date and have had a couple of dates since that have both gone really well.

I think after the first date or so she said she'd deleted her tinder, saying it wasn't really her thing, i'd already deleted mine at that stage, but never mentioned it.

Fast forward to last night i was out for a couple of pints with a mate and he's asking me how its going with her and he decided maybe he should give this tinder thing a try! So i help him set it up and a few swipes in, who shows up only herself!

I wouldn't think anything of it really, its not like we're an item yet so she's free to do whatever, its just she's telling me how much she's loving how its going and making plans to do things in future. Just this past weekend she asked me where i see this going & i said i really liked her and thought it was developing into something & she was all happy about that.

I suppose i'm a bit confused and bummed out about it really, but i have no right to be, right?! Not really sure how to proceed here. Any advice would be appreciated.

pookie82

Did it say when she was last active on her profile?

To be honest if she'd never said anything about coming off it, I wouldn't pay any heed to her still being on there. Good dates aside it's still early days with you guys and I'd imagine a lot of people who use it would wait to be pretty serious and exclusive to delete it.

But given she said she'd deleted it, that means she either unnecessarily lied, or has deliberately gone back on it. Neither of which look great, really and I do think you have a right to feel mildly annoyed at the least.

Would you chance being honest, tell her exactly what happened, and ask what the story is? You don't need to be confrontational about it, just say if she still wants to take her time that's all good, but her actions and statements are suggesting otherwise and it has you confused. The rest is up to her to explain ...

pookie82

slightly_confused wrote: »

I wouldn't think anything of it really, its not like we're an item yet so she's free to do whatever, its just she's telling me how much she's loving how its going and making plans to do things in future. Just this past weekend she asked me where i see this going & i said i really liked her and thought it was developing into something & she was all happy about that.

Just re-read this bit ... when you say you're seeing her a "couple" of weeks, do you literally mean 2, or 4/5?

Because if after two weeks she's asking where you guys are going and making plans for the future ... that's jumping the gun a bit. My concern would be that perhaps she thinks every new guy is "the next big thing" and overplans/exceeds expectation instead of slowing down and seeing where it goes. This is complete conjecture but perhaps she's easily swayed by a new lad and despite what she's telling you, is already looking for the next? Although none of it makes sense in light of what she's telling you in person.

Tilly

She might have deleted the app but if you dont delete your profile it will stay on it. Maybe this is what happened and she doesnt know that she needs to delete her account in the actual app.

zeffabelli

slightly_confused wrote: »

Just looking for some advice here on a girl i've been seeing for a couple of weeks. We met on tinder and chatted for a few days before deciding to meet up and had a really great date and have had a couple of dates since that have both gone really well.

I think after the first date or so she said she'd deleted her tinder, saying it wasn't really her thing, i'd already deleted mine at that stage, but never mentioned it.

Fast forward to last night i was out for a couple of pints with a mate and he's asking me how its going with her and he decided maybe he should give this tinder thing a try! So i help him set it up and a few swipes in, who shows up only herself!

I wouldn't think anything of it really, its not like we're an item yet so she's free to do whatever, its just she's telling me how much she's loving how its going and making plans to do things in future. Just this past weekend she asked me where i see this going & i said i really liked her and thought it was developing into something & she was all happy about that.

I suppose i'm a bit confused and bummed out about it really, but i have no right to be, right?! Not really sure how to proceed here. Any advice would be appreciated.

It's not about having to right to benumbed out... But tinder is akin to a market place and she is still in the market.

When you can offer more certainty she'll likely take herself off it.

The timing is important here and that's something you'd have to suss out... When to say I like the way things are going do you think it has a better chance off the market? But hold off on that until you can sense the timing better.

Clear any misunderstandings of technical oversights first.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Did it say when she was last active on her profile?

Yeah it said 21 minutes ago so she was active i believe.

Tilly wrote: »

She might have deleted the app but if you dont delete your profile it will stay on it. Maybe this is what happened and she doesnt know that she needs to delete her account in the actual app.

I'm not all that sure on the technicalities of Tinder, but i presume if you left the profile active but deleted the app it wouldn't show any activity at all?

pookie82 wrote: »

Just re-read this bit ... when you say you're seeing her a "couple" of weeks, do you literally mean 2, or 4/5?

Because if after two weeks she's asking where you guys are going and making plans for the future ... that's jumping the gun a bit.

I meant literally 2 weeks. It was more asked along the lines of, "how are you feeling about how things are going? Do you think it could develop into something over the next while", which seemed pretty natural to me at the time.

I really would not have thought about it one bit if she hadn't told me she deleted the app. I fully expected her to be active on it still and maybe try another date or two. I didn't mention the fact that i deleted so as not to sound like i was suggesting she do the same. I think it's just the fact that she went back to it while things are seemingly going well after a couple of weeks. Not quite sure how to bring it up or if i should mention it at all?

woodchuck

Tilly wrote: »

She might have deleted the app but if you dont delete your profile it will stay on it. Maybe this is what happened and she doesnt know that she needs to delete her account in the actual app.

Yeah actually I think I may have done this myself... deleted the app but not sure if I ever actually deactivated the profile. Unless you know her profile has been active, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Magicmatilda

Common mistake people delete the app and think it automatically removes them. It doesn't you have to actually deactivate the profile.

Just ask her about it. Say your friend signed up in the pub and her photo came up i.e. the truth.

StanleyOllie

I wouldnt be overly worried. You arent officially an item. Tinder is good for entertainment value and she is probably just on it for that.
But if you develop into a proper relationship. It would need to go. Its a conversation you need to have if you both decide to take relationship further.
Maybe she was on it showing her mate how to use it!!!

Heat_Wave

Hi Op

If it said she was active 21 minutes ago then she clearly didn't delete it.

However, you said she told you after the first date that she had deleted it. Perhaps she wasn't sure how well the first date went, so she re-activated it.
There are numerous possibilities.

I am in a similar boat to you. I have recently started dating someone and I deleted my tinder because the dates were going so well, I wasn't actually interested in looking for someone else. Then I discovered he was still on it, so I thought to myself - 'feck this, if he is still on it then I will re-activate mine and at least leave my options open'.

Maybe this is how she thought too?

Either way, I wouldn't bring it up with her as it is still very early days. Give it a few weeks.

crackers and cheese

Can I just say one thing about this while active on tinder thing.....that's not 100% either as if you turn on your location on phone in the background all the apps scan the current location. ...including Tinder....so yeah you may not be actually on it but it will say you are active if the app is clicking into the location on the phone being switched on...However both this info and the...did she delete the app only point are too vague for OP and he should just ask her out right. ..liars are time wasters. ..better to find out sooner rather than later

Shrap

slightly_confused wrote: »

I really would not have thought about it one bit if she hadn't told me she deleted the app. I fully expected her to be active on it still and maybe try another date or two. I didn't mention the fact that i deleted so as not to sound like i was suggesting she do the same. I think it's just the fact that she went back to it while things are seemingly going well after a couple of weeks.

Well what's actually stopping you from telling the story about you going off tinder (which she's surely noticed, if she's back on it), your friend seeing her profile when setting it up, and asking her out straight whether she's keeping her options open here?

If there's one thing I think people do owe each other in any relationship, whether it's only 2 weeks in or 2 years, is honesty. What you're doing up here is trying to second guess her motives, her reasoning and her level of interest in you. All these are things that if you can't talk them out in real life, you're in the start of a relationship that isn't worthy of the name.

Just say it out OP, and be prepared to hear she's not interested (or that she is!). Start with "I actually saw your profile again there on Tinder - are we going to be honest between us, or am I wasting my time?". Then say all that in your quote above. Be honest and direct and expect the same in return OP.

stickyfinger

Sure you've only been seeing each other for 2 weeks! I wouldn't worry about it at all and I think you're reading too much into it. I reckon she probably deleted the app, told you she deleted it, you said nothing so she thought you were probably still on it and reactivated herself as she probably thought she was being foolish after remembering you'd only been seeing each other for 2 weeks or talked to one of her friends who told her she was being foolish so early on. I wouldn't really expect anyone to come off online dating unless they had decided they were seeing each other exclusively (having discussed it) and I somehow doubt that would be after just 2 weeks... I would expect that if I was meeting someone from online dating that they are probably meeting others as well until they see who they get on with in person. It's also likely that her being logged in could be just the phone with location on. Don't worry about it, if you like her keep seeing her and give yourself a chance!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far folks, really appreciate it.

I suppose on some level i'm not up to date on the whole Tinder etiquette when it comes to dating these days! Bit of a head scratcher!

I'm seeing her this weekend so i'll just throw it out there and be honest, see what she says. Best to just ask and get it out of the way. As i said, it wasn't so much that she was on it as her saying she deleted it and then ended up back on it, but as some have said, it could be just be a location setting on the app if its not deleted properly.

shmalentine

Maybe when she told you she deleted the app, she was expecting you to tell her you did the same thing. And when you didn't mention anything, she could have redownloaded it to see if you were still active? Just another possibility.

If its something that you can see niggling away at the back of your mind when you're with her, your best bet is to ask her. Hope you get a pleasing response OP

Churpy

Tinder is tough in that in the first few weeks of meeting someone new your not officially a couple so you can't overstep the mark by questioning if they are still using the app. Went through this myself. Am now happily with my partner 10 months and he's my soulmate. We both admitted to each other after we made things official a couple months in that wondering if the other was still using tinder had been going through both of our minds. However we both knew it wouldn't be right to discuss something like that so early (Turned out neither of us had been using it after we started speaking, he unmatched all other girls also.After we had known each other 2 or 3 weeks told me this and we both deactivated our profiles together. We got serious quickly) Your situation is worrying, however, I do agree that this could be something that could be explained away with a technicality possibly. Because she originally made an issue of it your well within your right to mention it to her. Good luck