Dealing with Elderly Mother

mazi

Hi,

I'm looking to see if anyone has similar experience with elderly parent. A run down on the situation:

My mothers in mid 70's who is fiercely independent. She goes out at weekends to dances and is physically active however a bit naive and mentally lazy. I almost have to play a bartering game with her to wash regularly. She only has a bath twice per week off her own batt. When it comes to money she is extremely tight and will never treat herself. If I suggest anything her first question is ' will it cost money', if so the idea is gone out the window!

I feel like no matter what I do it's never enough and hard to please at times. The thing that kills me is she says she's lonely etc. No matter what I suggest she has no interest in i.e bingo, knitting etc. It's almost as if she doesn't want to except she's getting old.

It's so frustrating and we end up arguing a lot. It's like you took someone from the 1900's & plonked them in the now!!

Help...!!!!arrghhhh

colm_mcm

Are you living with her?

GLaDOS

OP I've moved this to personal issues, better suited for this thread than After hours

Please take the time to read their forum charter

The Princess Bride

If she's happy what's the problem?
While the majority of us wash at least daily, most of that generation didn't. They're not gonna change just because someone else wants them to.
Bingo and knitting?
If she didn't do these when she was younger why should she suddenly be expected to be interested in them now?

Re:the loneliness, has she met new friends at the dances or is this an option?
Perhaps relish in the fact she's independent -not everyones parent is as fortunate.

deex

I don't particulary think there's anything weird about an elderly person bathing twice a week...?

My own (elderly) parents would probably be about the same and they don't smell bad or anything.

You mention she's not interested in the hobbies you put forward to but to be fair, she's going out at the weekend to dances! That's more than I do at the weekend and I'm 25. Fair play to her!

Ave Sodalis

What's wrong with bathing twice a week? When that's what your body is used to then it's not going to get smelly. However, it could dry her skin now if she started washing more regularly when her skin isn't used to that.

Also, your hobbies that you suggest seem a bit, well, boring. I mean a woman who is physically active still, doesn't really need to play bingo or start knitting or do any other stereotypical activity if she doesn't want to. How about suggesting something more interesting and active?

LegacyUser

Honestly, I just don't get the problem. To me, every single point you've raised is way overstepping the boundaries, and I'd feel hurt, annoyed, and very patronised if I was your mother.

You say that your mother is independent, and has activities that she does such as dancing - but yet you almost seem to be consigning her to nursing home stuff like bingo and knitting?! She sounds just fine with her own choices of stuff to do! And you sound like you're trying to make her feel like she should behave 'like an old person'. Jees, I'd not be impressed in her shoes.

If she's saying that she's lonely, is she trying to tell you that she'd like you to busy more? Or call her more?

The washing thing, it might not be up to your standards, but I'd think it's about average for that age group. Tbh unless it's a really obviously bad problem re a whiff, I think you are out of line in badgering her about it. I'd be very hurt and annoyed if I were her.

And it's her choice how she spends her own money! Of course it would be nice to see her treat herself, but you probably need to think of how she might balance that v fear of needing nursing care in the future. Plus it's not your choice to run her finances.

You're probably doing all this from the best of intentions, but with respect, it sounds like you're going about it all wrong, and that you are driving a wedge between yourself and your mother.

mazi

Give the woman a break! wrote: »

Honestly, I just don't get the problem. To me, every single point you've raised is way overstepping the boundaries, and I'd feel hurt, annoyed, and very patronised if I was your mother.

You say that your mother is independent, and has activities that she does such as dancing - but yet you almost seem to be consigning her to nursing home stuff like bingo and knitting?! She sounds just fine with her own choices of stuff to do! And you sound like you're trying to make her feel like she should behave 'like an old person'. Jees, I'd not be impressed in her shoes.

If she's saying that she's lonely, is she trying to tell you that she'd like you to busy more? Or call her more?

The washing thing, it might not be up to your standards, but I'd think it's about average for that age group. Tbh unless it's a really obviously bad problem re a whiff, I think you are out of line in badgering her about it. I'd be very hurt and annoyed if I were her.

And it's her choice how she spends her own money! Of course it would be nice to see her treat herself, but you probably need to think of how she might balance that v fear of needing nursing care in the future. Plus it's not your choice to run her finances.

You're probably doing all this from the best of intentions, but with respect, it sounds like you're going about it all wrong, and that you are driving a wedge between yourself and your mother.

I live a few hours away & call her most days. I can understand what you are saying however she complains of being lonely & I am only trying to give her the tools to play with to inhibit this & encourage her. She doesn't want to mix with the locals in case they pry into her business...?!?

I have no interest in her finances other than she enjoys life & not be saving it for us when she passes. I suppose she wants to save it in the event she needs care but that's a what if.

Also I've enquired about home instead who call out be it for just a social visit but I don't want to push this with her right now. Trying baby steps at the moment & have meals on wheels delivered as she seems to eat the same food everyday so worried she's not getting enough nutrients.

I am emigrating for work and just want to ensure that everything is ok as I feel guilty but can't put my life on hold.

Rubberchikken

it's good that you're concerned. it's also good that you're getting on with your life. she sounds like a woman who knows her own mind and is capable of doing what she enjoys.
she's willing to go to these dances, so she must be enjoying them. are there any others there that she could invite over for a coffee or she could arrange to call to them occasionally?

a lot of elderly people hate washing. they wouldn't have been reared with a shower a day like younger people these days are, so don't worry about that. she's right to look after her money. no matter what the condition of her health is now, she will get older, and possibly frail, and may need care then.

knitting etc isn't everyones cup of tea, no matter what age, so ask her what she does like or would like to do. see what she says.
and good luck with emigrating.

LegacyUser

My grandmother is 90 and if i suggested so start knitting or go to bingo she smack with her handbag. She's out dancing and playing golf all the time. If your mother is going out dancing then suggest something more in line with that if you think she needs to be out more.

Also agree unless there is a hygenie issue with odur I don't see the issue with bathing twice a week at her age.

Neyite

mazi wrote: »

I live a few hours away & call her most days. I can understand what you are saying however she complains of being lonely & I am only trying to give her the tools to play with to inhibit this & encourage her. She doesn't want to mix with the locals in case they pry into her business...?!?

I have no interest in her finances other than she enjoys life & not be saving it for us when she passes. I suppose she wants to save it in the event she needs care but that's a what if.

Also I've enquired about home instead who call out be it for just a social visit but I don't want to push this with her right now. Trying baby steps at the moment & have meals on wheels delivered as she seems to eat the same food everyday so worried she's not getting enough nutrients.

I am emigrating for work and just want to ensure that everything is ok as I feel guilty but can't put my life on hold.

I've a relative like this -likes their own privacy and is very loath to have neighbours come in doing stuff for them. And I have to say, I'd agree if it were me, it can be hard to find a neighbour who would look out for you if needed but is trustworthy, respectful of your privacy and wouldn't treat you like you are doddery and senile.

Like you, I live a bit away, so every so often I bring individual portions of dinners for the freezer - you can get plastic containers in dealz that are like the ones you get chinese takeaway in, and are the perfect size for a portion of soup /stew / sauce. I batch cook anyway for me so its easy to chuck a stash into a freezer bag when I visit. It's hard to go to the effort of cooking for one, no matter what age you are. I got a smoothie maker, (one where you blend directly in the beaker, so its easy clean and perfectly portioned for her) and at least I know she is getting some of her 5 a day.

The penny pinching could be because of her generation - post WW2, even in Ireland, nothing got wasted. My relative takes all those hotel shampoos, ketchup sachets, salt etc from anywhere she goes. Its just a throwback to when she lived in poverty.

If she's not into arts and crafts, or bingo, is she into tv or film? then you could sort her out with netflix and chromecast, and I can vouch that even pensioners find them easy to use. It might be worth having a chat with someone in Age Action or Friends of the Elderly for things that might be of interest to suggest to your mother.

Have you spoken to your siblings about your concerns?

kylith

Rather than suggesting knitting or bingo you could encourage her to look at her local Active Retirement group. My aunt travels all over with them, and there are lots of passtimes they cover so she's bound to find something she likes

mazi

Neyite wrote: »

I've a relative like this -likes their own privacy and is very loath to have neighbours come in doing stuff for them. And I have to say, I'd agree if it were me, it can be hard to find a neighbour who would look out for you if needed but is trustworthy, respectful of your privacy and wouldn't treat you like you are doddery and senile.

Like you, I live a bit away, so every so often I bring individual portions of dinners for the freezer - you can get plastic containers in dealz that are like the ones you get chinese takeaway in, and are the perfect size for a portion of soup /stew / sauce. I batch cook anyway for me so its easy to chuck a stash into a freezer bag when I visit. It's hard to go to the effort of cooking for one, no matter what age you are. I got a smoothie maker, (one where you blend directly in the beaker, so its easy clean and perfectly portioned for her) and at least I know she is getting some of her 5 a day.

The penny pinching could be because of her generation - post WW2, even in Ireland, nothing got wasted. My relative takes all those hotel shampoos, ketchup sachets, salt etc from anywhere she goes. Its just a throwback to when she lived in poverty.

If she's not into arts and crafts, or bingo, is she into tv or film? then you could sort her out with netflix and chromecast, and I can vouch that even pensioners find them easy to use. It might be worth having a chat with someone in Age Action or Friends of the Elderly for things that might be of interest to suggest to your mother.

Have you spoken to your siblings about your concerns?

I have male siblings but they are not very proactive so if don't do anything no one else will. She can't send texts so using Chromecast would be way out of her zone but thanks for the suggestion.

mazi

kylith wrote: »

Rather than suggesting knitting or bingo you could encourage her to look at her local Active Retirement group. My aunt travels all over with them, and there are lots of passtimes they cover so she's bound to find something she likes

Yes they are a great idea & think it would be brilliant however that has been suggested also to no avail. She has the idea that they are for older people & doesn't want to sit around drinking tea. I just don't know anymore what's left. There's only so much you can do so maybe for my own sanity I should leave her be.

The Princess Bride

mazi wrote: »

I have male siblings but they are not very proactive so if don't do anything no one else will. She can't send texts so using Chromecast would be way out of her zone but thanks for the suggestion.

Is there any reason she can't learn how to text?
My dad is 81 and not only texts but has the txt spk lingo that his grandkids favour that I can't stand.

My parents have more money than they'll ever spend but are still incredibly frugal and sensible with their money - sometimes too much so . It's because they knew other other life growing up.
Teach her how to text,show her more support and chat with your brothers - you're all so lucky she's so independent.

Magicmatilda

My dad is 80 and volunteers with a local group that call elderly people in the area for a chat each day. It is a great service as some of the people they call are very lonely and that might be the only chat they have all day. Is there such a group in your area and could she volunteer with them.

To be honest other than the loneliness she sounds fine. We all get lonely at times. Could she get a dog or cat?

I would discuss any home help or meals on wheel with her before you organise anything. It sounds like she is active enough to be able to get out and to cook for herself.

LegacyUser

mazi wrote: »

I am emigrating for work and just want to ensure that everything is ok as I feel guilty but can't put my life on hold.

I this this is the crux of it: you know that you're going away, and you have some feelings of guilt about that, so you're trying to impose your standards/views on her life, so that you feel a bit better about leaving.

I can totally understand where you're coming from, but I think it's unfair to your mother. You're essentially trying to make her fit into how you think she should live her life, so that you feel better about emigrating.

You're probably coming from the best place in doing this, but you're treating her like a wayward child. Let her make her own choices, without you imposing your views on her. What you're doing now just sounds like a parent-child relationship in reverse.

I think you should stop trying to force/dictate, and start supporting her. She may be mid 70s, but she's not senile or physically unable to live her own life. You're trying to boss her life, so I couldn't blame her if she was fed up and decreasing communication with you. You've totally overstepped the boundaries. Let her do her own thing.

Pawwed Rig

A bath twice a week is enough for anyone unless they are doing activities that cause sweat (read up on it). Most of this generation wash alot more than is necessary. It is unfair that you would hassle her about this.

Minera

I work in the care of the elderly sector and your mum sounds totally normal. Alot of older people don't like people to pry into their business and washing twice a week is ok as long as she is not incontinent etc. If you are moving abroad have you a friend or a neighbour who will call in occasionally?
Old age is not something that can be fixed rather you need to adapt to your mums changing attitude and needs! Absolutely live you life and don't feel guilty about her telling you she's lonely, she sounds like she has an independent social life just encourage her towards that.

Turtle_

Wow, I'd be really annoyed at you if I was your mother. Stop trying to make her older than she is. Knitting, home help? All while she's active and healthy enough to go dancing at the weekends?

Here's what you probably didn't know about home help, if she actually needed it, the hse will provide / pay for it. My nan has three call every day and some can be very condescending, and it sounds like your mother would hate that. Some are gems whilst others should never be allowed near elderly people. It's nothing like that ad on the radio about phyllis being her best friend.

However, if what you're concerned about is that nobody will take over your role, you really need to have words with your siblings. If that fails, only then would I be looking at having someone call - maybe a cleaner to do the heavier jobs? As for food, you can arrange for a delivery from a supermarket once a week.

If you are worried about her being lonely, then something she likes would be a good idea. Likes dancing? Why not have her try yoga? Plenty of classes aimed at retirees. Look into active retirement groups in the locality.

katydid

mazi wrote: »

I live a few hours away & call her most days. I can understand what you are saying however she complains of being lonely & I am only trying to give her the tools to play with to inhibit this & encourage her. She doesn't want to mix with the locals in case they pry into her business...?!?

I have no interest in her finances other than she enjoys life & not be saving it for us when she passes. I suppose she wants to save it in the event she needs care but that's a what if.

Also I've enquired about home instead who call out be it for just a social visit but I don't want to push this with her right now. Trying baby steps at the moment & have meals on wheels delivered as she seems to eat the same food everyday so worried she's not getting enough nutrients.

I am emigrating for work and just want to ensure that everything is ok as I feel guilty but can't put my life on hold.

Home Instead is for people who need care in the home. By the sound of it, your mother is more than capable of looking after herself. Mid seventies isn't old these days, especially if you have your health - age is all in the mind