Manning Up

notsosure2015

Hi All,

I'm not sure how to go about breaking up with my girlfriend. Is the upfront and blunt approach the best way possible. I don't think there is anyway to let a person softly.

I don't want to be heartless as I still do care for her but I don't genuinely love her anymore. More like a good friend. Also the reason why I'm breaking up her is that I identified a self destructing pattern within myself (note: I am seeking help on this front) and need space. She is older than me and I can't give her the stability that she needs.

I just feel like a coward as I know it's the right thing to do but unsure as to how approach it.

Thanks for reading. It's even helping writing this out.

NSS15

Tilly

Just be honest and kind. No need to be harsh with her. Tell her you cant give her what she needs. Dont say "right now" cause it'll give her hope of getting back together.

notsosure2015

Thanks I don't intend to be harsh. I'm just dreading see the hurt in her face and the (understandable) anger.

LegacyUser

notsosure2015 wrote: »

Thanks I don't intend to be harsh. I'm just dreading see the hurt in her face and the (understandable) anger.

Don't do it over the phone. Face to face. Clear concise and honest. Don't sugar coat it with patronising comments like "your a lovely girl but..."

Above done to me a few months ago! Lol!!

Lamp69

notsosure2015 wrote: »

Thanks I don't intend to be harsh. I'm just dreading see the hurt in her face and the (understandable) anger.

How long are ye dating? If it isn't long then she should be ok. But if it's a long time then she might be more upset and there was always the age gap and she will wonder why your only saying it now that it's an issue and you can't give her stability

notsosure2015

Lamp69 wrote: »

How long are ye dating? If it isn't long then she should be ok. But if it's a long time then she might be more upset and there was always the age gap and she will wonder why your only saying it now that it's an issue and you can't give her stability

We've been going out nearly 3 years. The age gap never bothered me until recently. I don't think I can give her what she wants after the way things have turned recently hence why I mention the age gap. I know she wants to get married and have kids but the way things are for me at the moment I can't give her that stability and cannot ask or expect to her to wait and hope if things change while I sort myself out.

Lamp69

notsosure2015 wrote: »

We've been going out nearly 3 years. The age gap never bothered me until recently. I don't think I can give her what she wants after the way things have turned recently hence why I mention the age gap. I know she wants to get married and have kids but the way things are for me at the moment I can't give her that stability and cannot ask or expect to her to wait and hope if things change while I sort myself out.

Ooh sounds familar - I hate break ups. Nothing I can advise really but just get it over with I guess and tell her what you said here. Good luck

sadie1502

God I feel bad for her. What age is she do you mind me asking ? I think its harder for a woman in this instance as time is more precious when it comes to having kids. Are you living with your soon to be ex? Theres no easy way to do it.

notsosure2015

Yes we do live together and she's in her mid 30's while I'm early 30's. Yes we do live together.

It's not that I want to hurth but it would be unfair to continue on the way things currently stand.

Lamp69

notsosure2015 wrote: »

Yes we do live together and she's in her mid 30's while I'm early 30's. Yes we do live together.

It's not that I want to hurth but it would be unfair to continue on the way things currently stand.

She's not much older at all - a couple of years. I don't think age is relevant here at all - I wouldn't mention age to her at the breakup

sadie1502

Well it kind of is relevant I would think. If she wants kids and she is 37 or 38 its been three years with someone she thought she would have children with. She may not think that way but I would imagine it may come up. Of course youre not trying to hurt her. I know that.

The_Valeyard

Hey OP,

Horrible predicament, but many of us have been there. The fact you are worried about upsetting her because you care for her, shows me your a decent dude.

Speak plain and courteous to her. Be honest. In the end she will appreciate it. You will cause pain if she cares for you deeply, but pain will pass eventually, a day, a week, a month, etc. It will pass and she will move on and meet someone who will love her.

Good luck to you!

notsosure2015

Lovely girl wrote: »

Don't do it over the phone. Face to face. Clear concise and honest. Don't sugar coat it with patronising comments like "your a lovely girl but..."

Above done to me a few months ago! Lol!!

Oh god no, when she comes in from work tonight. I detest people who do it by phone/text

frostyjacks

There's no age gap here; you're both thirtysomethings. Just be straight with her and tell her you don't see a future together, and that she deserves someone who can give her what she wants.

Typer Monkey

notsosure2015 wrote: »

We've been going out nearly 3 years. The age gap never bothered me until recently. I don't think I can give her what she wants after the way things have turned recently hence why I mention the age gap..

I'd be careful about letting this muddy the water OP. The point is you don't love her anymore and that should be what you tell her. Trying to soften the blow with 'I can't give you what you need' or 'it's my issue' etc will just confuse her I think. When we break up with someone we often try to logic our way out of the situation. I think if you just lay it out that you don't love her and you don't want to be in a relationship with her, she will find that easier in time to deal with.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck