friend....I don't no what to do walk away?

marykitty47

So to cut a long story short I fell for a guy we were seeing each other for over 1.5 years. He broke my heart bit I decided to remain really good friends, friends that would spend a lot of time together. This has been going on 5 years.
He has now started seeing someone to say I'm heartbroken is an understatement. I knew nothing was ever going to happen but I am.heart broken. I've tried telling him we can't be friends anymore but he really wants to be friends that he cares too much for me but I am so upset I haven't slept in daya and I'm crying on and off. It's not because he is seeing someone more a reminder I wasn't good enough. I need to be strong and walk away any tips? I find it hard to just cut people from my life and he does mean so much to me but I don't think I can deal with this

Shrap

Sorry to hear that OP. Unrequited love is incredibly painful and can only end with a broken heart. All I can tell you is that there's always one who you'll properly break your heart over - it happens to most people at some stage in their lives - and it does heal over time. It sounds like a platitude now, I know.....time is a great healer and all that, but unfortunately it's the only cure.

I sympathise with you - I once or twice wept buckets over a fella and the worst time I must have been single-handedly keeping Kleenex in business for at least a week. Poor you, it's just not fair is it? You can't help who you love, until the love has to end and then it's been decided for you, against your will. Not much you can do about it except allow yourself to feel the huge sadness and work through it...it will pass eventually and you'll pick yourself up again.

Maybe a year from now, or so, you'll be able to be friends with this guy without the hurt and the love being between you, but right now he is going to need to respect that you need space from him. Lots of space. And be wary over the next few months that you don't transfer some of that love to someone else who isn't right for you - rebounds are easily done on a broken heart.

Big hugs hon...

ArtyC

If he cares for you, he should understand why you can't be friends right now.

You need to cut some contact. Fb, number, etc Sounds brutal but I had to do it in the past. Now I never went back to being proper friends again with this guy--- life just got in the way.

I bumped into him and his now wife last year and it made no impact on me. It shocked me that it didn't! I thought "oh yeah I forgot about that, it is s Pity we weren't able to be friends"

I've moved on and with someone who I don't need to be be anything but my whole self with.

Look after yourself X

Ursus Horribilis

The problem with staying friends with an ex you've still got feelings for (let's be honest here) is that they fill the boyfriend void in your life. You rationalised it in different ways but that's what it boiled down to. I'm sorry but I can only repeat what the others have said. Cut contact. Cold turkey. Whatever it is you want to call it. As you're learning to your cost, staying friends with an ex isn't always the right thing to do. Maybe in the future it might work but certainly not any time soon.

kylith

What he 'really wants' doesn't come into it. Of course he really wants to stay in contact; you're a lovely ego boost to have around. This is not a negotiation, you don't need his permission. Just cut contact and have done with it.

Rekop dog

kylith wrote: »

What he 'really wants' doesn't come into it. Of course he really wants to stay in contact; you're a lovely ego boost to have around. This is not a negotiation, you don't need his permission. Just cut contact and have done with it.

Ego boost? Where you getting that from? How do you know he didn't just value a platonic friendly relationship with her as just that. They split up years ago for whatever reason, she decided to remain friends and now acting all childish and jealous as he's found someone else. She's the bad friend in this scenario.

kylith

Rekop dog wrote: »

Ego boost? Where you getting that from? How do you know he didn't just value a platonic friendly relationship with her as just that. They split up years ago for whatever reason, she decided to remain friends and now acting all childish and jealous as he's found someone else. She's the bad friend in this scenario.

Maybe I'm wrong. However we have a situation where someone breaks up with their girlfriend and breaks her heart, then stays 'friends' with her for ages despite knowing that she has feelings for him. This is a classic ego boost situation IMO: he gets a kick out of knowing that she's not over him and that he could likely restart the relationship if he felt like it, while all she gets is no opportunity to get over him and heartbreak after heartbreak when he starts seeing other people. She's not a bad friend; the worst she is, to be blunt, is silly for not making a clean break a long time ago.

marykitty47

Rekop dog wrote: »

Ego boost? Where you getting that from? How do you know he didn't just value a platonic friendly relationship with her as just that. They split up years ago for whatever reason, she decided to remain friends and now acting all childish and jealous as he's found someone else. She's the bad friend in this scenario.[/quote
I'm far from acting all childish and jealous. I'm acting like any person with feelings

LegacyUser

Rekop dog wrote: »

Ego boost? Where you getting that from? How do you know he didn't just value a platonic friendly relationship with her as just that. They split up years ago for whatever reason, she decided to remain friends and now acting all childish and jealous as he's found someone else. She's the bad friend in this scenario.

That's extremely unfair. How dare you make such as assumption about this person who is obviously hurting? You've obviously never had your heart broken.

To me, it sounds exactly like what the person above said: he enjoys having her around as an ego boost. I'm not saying that he doesn't value their friendship, too, but if he respected her and cared for her as a friend, he would give her space and allow her to move on. She has already wasted five years of her life holding out hope for this guy.

OP, I know it sounds blunt but you simply have to cut all contact with this guy. I know it feels like you will never love anyone again in the same way, and it's true. You won't love your future partner in the same way, but it will be a different, more equal, more satisfying kind of love. Take it from someone who's been there. Cut contact and start over.

vagazzled

Hi OP,
I would advise you from experience to stop any contact with this guy, and delete anyone/thing on social media that will trigger memories. Even put away ( in a well hidden box if you can't throw them out) anything in your house that he bought you, and photos etc.
Don't do it in anger, just with an awareness that you need to move on.
It might be a difficult couple of weeks, i'd recommend lots of self care - lotions, potions, days out, new jacket- just treat yourself with kindness and be aware that you are healing and may be vunerable for the next while.
I used to stay in touch with an ex- to 'see how he was getting on'. It lead to a relationship that should have fizzled out in a year lasting 6 awful ones. And i'm not a jealous person, but it was one thing that did bring it out in me when he'd casually mention how he was getting friendly with whoever.
Break the link now. You have to think of yourself and your happiness.

marykitty47

Thanks all for your response. He is going away next week for work related purposes. I need to be a stronger person and the confidence to walk away I no I'm worth more. He is not an evil person guy from it and it isn't an ego boost for him he is actually a very very shy guy and has literally been there for me whenever I needed which is why it is so difficult.
Somehow I think there is an emotional attachment between us. I have tried walking away in the past and we literally fall back to been friends again. He always tells me how much he cares and yeah he clearly cares as a friend while I cared a lot more then that a few years ago.
I think putting anything that reminds me of him away will be a good start but I no when I tell him I need space he is going to tell me he really wants to be friends. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.

LegacyUser

marykitty47 wrote: »

Thanks all for your response. He is going away next week for work related purposes. I need to be a stronger person and the confidence to walk away I no I'm worth more. He is not an evil person guy from it and it isn't an ego boost for him he is actually a very very shy guy and has literally been there for me whenever I needed which is why it is so difficult.
Somehow I think there is an emotional attachment between us. I have tried walking away in the past and we literally fall back to been friends again. He always tells me how much he cares and yeah he clearly cares as a friend while I cared a lot more then that a few years ago.
I think putting anything that reminds me of him away will be a good start but I no when I tell him I need space he is going to tell me he really wants to be friends. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.

Just be careful, OP. You are still making excuses for him with this 'emotional connection' stuff and if you are not careful, you'll be posting this same message in another 5 years having wasted 10 years of your life on this guy.

If he is aware of how you feel about him, he is being unfair by constantly saying that he wants to be friends. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to let this friendship go. You will make other friends. It's not possible to be friends with someone you have feelings for. If you value your own heart and head and future happiness, you need to have some self-respect and let this friendship go. He doesn't want you in the way that you want him, it's as simple as that.

It's sad because I know how you feel. I've been there. I didn't think I could ever stop being friends with this guy because I'd been through so much with him and no one understood me like he did, etc etc etc. It is only years later that I realise how manipulative he was being (and I would have balked at that suggestion at the time). A friend of mine is currently in your exact situation with a girl and has been for the last 6 years. It's sad to see him wasting his life by tricking himself into thinking that he's friends with her, but he can't move on while she's still in his life.

orthsquel

aw Op this is an awful situation to be in But you can get through it. How you feel now about him being with someone else, you should use as your motivation to move on and away from him. Not in the context of that you weren't good enough for him but that him being with someone else is the wake up call that you need to really realise that for your own mental and emotional well being you must get him out of your life, head and emotions. It's really time for you to put yourself first and your emotional well being first ahead of his need to be friends with you.... which is only really doing you damage, keeping you as a crutch to eachother's lives.

OP imagine for a second this new relationship he has didn't work out ... you know he sees you as a friend, but what would your emotional state be? Would you find yourself being a replacement non-girlfriend in an emotional context and trapped into being that, knowing an emotional relationship as a friend is all you are ever going to get?

If he says he really wants to stay friends then really you ought to be that bit more assertive in saying that distancing yourself from him is what you need, and what you need is what matters the most here.

I think you are sacrificing your own emotional well being for someone else, so that you don't hurt them because they have told you they care too much about you. But that sacrifice is your happiness and ability to move on. Pandering to his emotions and his need to not deal with any hurt from a lost friendship is not at all healthy for you and it has to stop. You need to do what is the healthiest thing for you, not him. If he hurts and feels emotional because you're no longer friends because he cares about you then he needs to deal with that himself, by himself, rather than avoiding it by making you stay friends through an emotional bond or attachment that may be stated on his side by him to avoid hurting himself in any emotional context just so he doesn't have to deal with his own negative emotions.

I'm rambling a bit but I hope you understand that keeping you as a friend, asserting he cares about you, and not allowing you to end the friendship is in a way a means for him to avoid dealing with his own emotional feelings towards you and others, and perhaps general negative emotions or self perception.

Jay Pentatonic

Hi op,
I'm really just echoing what everyone is saying here.
It would be best to have some space from him. This sounds like a time in your life of great emotional pain.
It's only fair on yourself to have time away from him.
If he really does care about you, he should be understanding enough to be ok with having time apart.
But if he's not ok with it, then that's too bad for him. This isn't his decision to make. You're the most important person in your life. He broke your heart, now it's time to look after yourself and focus on getting back on your feet. Stay strong op

stickyfinger

It sounds like you retained your hope that someday you might get together again, and now that he is seeing somebody else it's suddenly hit you that that's never going to happen. I think it's fairly common. I know I was the best of friends with a guy in the past who I really liked and when he started seeing someone it kind of dawned on me that that is what I had really wanted and I just realised I couldn't be friends with him any longer as it made me feel like crap, and fairly foolish. I certainly don't blame him for it, it was all on my side, but I just didn't really understand it until after it happened. So yeah you might have to accept that you'll be the bad friend by stopping contact with him, he could be totally clueless as to how you feel, but do what you need to do for yourself, try and figure out whether you'd be better off not friends or friends and don't bounce the idea off him first you need to figure it out for yourself and then move on from there.