The One-fact or fiction?

LegacyUser

I've been broken up with my bf for just over 4 months.
My question is simple. Does anyone believe in the one? I've had several relationships in the past and knew these people weren't for me but my most recent one, phew. ..I don't know. It's been so hard to get over him. I think about him at least 3 or 4 times a day. I have been on dates and have actually slept with someone since we split but I just can't seem to click with anyone in the way I did with my ex (I also can't fault the guy i went on the dates with)
So is "the one" a myth? Has anyone had a similar experience where they have felt that they were just meant to be with someone?

pookie82

Personally, I think "the one" in the movie/romantic sense is a myth, yes. Time heals all wounds, even when you thought you were supposed to be with someone forever. Give it time.

There's "the one" in the sense that someone can be the perfect person for you at a time in your life, but I think you can have several "the one"s over the course of a lifetime.

Other people may argue this and feel that there's one special person out there for everyone, someone who's just "meant to be", but if you think about it rationally, out of 6 billion people on the planet, how come so often you manage to find who you feel is "the one" and they just so happen to live a few miles away? It's a nice concept, if you want to buy into it, but I don't believe in it, no. I think two people can be perfect for each other and lucky to find one another but I don't feel there's anything predetermined about it, and it's not always guaranteed to work out, even with love in the mix.

You're still hurting and it will take time to heal. If you still feel no one can compare to him that just means it'll take a while longer to get over him, not that you never will.

Neyite

I think believing in The One is limiting and can be a damaging way to think of relationships because it keeps a person in the wrong relationship for longer and prevents them from moving on. I know a couple of people - male and female who got a bit obsessive and stalky about their ex because they were convinced that they were The One.

We are attracted to various people throughout our lives. If you are happy in a relationship, then that cute guy/girl you felt a momentary spark or moment with is only that. You don't even think any more on it because you are happy with the existing relationship. But if you are single, or unhappily coupled, that spark might be something you pay more attention to in the right circumstances. I believe that you can have several 'Ones' in your lifetime, but not a single 'One'

After only 4 months, its perfectly normal to still think about your ex a lot, especially still have feelings for him. Those feelings will fade, and you will get over him. It just takes a bit of time.

baby and crumble

I really don't believe in "The One". I believe in falling in love, and I believe that some people are more suited to each other than others, but "The One" is a really damaging concept. Like another poster said- what's the likelihood that your "One" is going to be available, in you area, speaking your language, and all at the time you are looking to settle down or meet someone?

I'm sure there are lots of women that I could be very happy with if I wasn't with my partner. And I'm sure when we've had our ups and downs, as every couple has, we could have split, and I'd be ok after some wound licking. I'm glad we didn't though, but she's not "The One".

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I know I might seem like a typical heartbroken girl, but it's really not like that. I've never felt like this for anyone in my life and it has gotten no easier over the past few months. I hate waking up feeling like this, I'm just sick of it.
I try to force myself out there into situations where I know men will be, pubs/social events etc but I feel absolutely nothing for anyone

LegacyUser

Op here. I know this might sound crazy but maybe the people who don't believe that the one actually exists hasn't met their match?
If anyone had said that to me 3 years ago I would have laughed at them,wouldn't have been a believer at all.
Don't get me wrong,I know there are plenty of people out there that you could plod through life with and be reasonably happy but you dont find a real connection with everyone you've been with. .well me anyway

baby and crumble

clues wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I know I might seem like a typical heartbroken girl, but it's really not like that. I've never felt like this for anyone in my life and it has gotten no easier over the past few months. I hate waking up feeling like this, I'm just sick of it.
I try to force myself out there into situations where I know men will be, pubs/social events etc but I feel absolutely nothing for anyone

My advice would honestly be stop trying so hard. I know it sucks going through a breakup, you are grieving in lots of ways, but trying to force the issue by dating etc if you're not feeling it will make you worse. Try and focus on something you want to do, be it a class, or taking up a new hobby. It sounds cliched but it's a cliche for a reason.

LegacyUser

The One - it's fiction. If there was only one perfect person in the world for everyone wouldn't it be very unlikely that you'd ever even meet them?

You probably know people who say they met their 'One' and by a happy coincidence this person worked with them or lived nearby or was at their local pub - their One is never a peasant from some third world country or the like!

I'm currently going through something similar to you and though I painted my whole future with him in it, I know only time will fix it and there will be someone out there who, though different, could make me just as happy.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for replies. I suppose I should say I don't mean a soul mate situation. Just someone, who out of everyone you've been with you thought 100% they were the one. I'm not talking about it in a fairytale scenerio. Sorry should have made that clearer.
I've tried hobbies,getting out there,staying in with my own company..literally everything. The Minute I'm alone my mind gos into overdrive. Should I just roll with these thoughts? I can't nessessarily stop them

Neyite

clues wrote: »

Op here. I know this might sound crazy but maybe the people who don't believe that the one actually exists hasn't met their match?
If anyone had said that to me 3 years ago I would have laughed at them,wouldn't have been a believer at all.
Don't get me wrong,I know there are plenty of people out there that you could plod through life with and be reasonably happy but you dont find a real connection with everyone you've been with. .well me anyway

You are implying here that your ex is the One. But the whole point of The One theory is that that person is your soulmate, that its fate. That you are destined to be together. But, I'm very sorry to be blunt here, but if he broke up with you, then you aren't his One, so how can he really be your One?

I've been over a decade with my fiancé. He is one of the best men I know and I'm happier than I have ever been before. We have a child together older than your previous relationship. But in your opinion we are just plodding along without a real connection then? I can assure you that you are wrong.

R.D. aka MR.D

clues wrote: »

Op here. I know this might sound crazy but maybe the people who don't believe that the one actually exists hasn't met their match?
If anyone had said that to me 3 years ago I would have laughed at them,wouldn't have been a believer at all.
Don't get me wrong,I know there are plenty of people out there that you could plod through life with and be reasonably happy but you dont find a real connection with everyone you've been with. .well me anyway

I know a guy who believes in The One. He had a long relationship/obsession with this person. It went on for years. They finally decided to be together. He gave up a wonderful relationship with a girl who was great for him but she wasn't The One. The relationship lasted all of 6 days before he left. He realised that they couldn't be together. He still thinks of her as The One but knows that they can't be together. He is getting married to a different woman who isn't The One but he knows he can spend the rest of his life with her. There is no way he could do that with The One.

What I'm getting at is that even if this guy is your The One, maybe it's just not possible to be together. There must have been a reason you broke up.


Personally, I think my OH is the one I'm going to marry, get old with and share a million amazing memories with. He treats me right, we have mutual respect, fantastic conversation, great sex, share goals and shared values. That's good enough for me but maybe you disagree because he isn't The One?

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Personally, I think my OH is the one I'm going to marry, get old with and share a million amazing memories with. He treats me right, we have mutual respect, fantastic conversation, great sex, share goals and shared values. That's good enough for me but maybe you disagree because he isn't The One?

Well that's exactly how I felt about my ex. We shared the same values and thought we would be together till the end. I'm abit confused as to the end you said he was the one then said I'd disagree because I think he wasn't? personally I wouldn't care what anyone thought of my ex because we shared brilliant years together. We did break up for reason and he's not even in the same country as me anymore but I know what we had was something special.
Don't get me wrong we had little fights/disagreements,it wasn't a fairytale (no relationship is) I was just wondering has anyone known they were meant to be with someone from their past.

CaraMay

They are only the one if the relationship works. They can't be the one if you are no longer with them. The one isn't about your feelings for them, it's about the strength of the relationship and connection. Sorry op but your connection is now broken.

baby and crumble

clues wrote: »

Op here. I know this might sound crazy but maybe the people who don't believe that the one actually exists hasn't met their match?
If anyone had said that to me 3 years ago I would have laughed at them,wouldn't have been a believer at all.
Don't get me wrong,I know there are plenty of people out there that you could plod through life with and be reasonably happy but you dont find a real connection with everyone you've been with. .well me anyway

I think that's a bit disingenuous to the people in long and healthy relationships who simply don't believe that there is only 1 person out of the 6 billion others in the world who exists to be their ultimate perfect match. And what does "real connection" even mean?

Nobody is perfect, OP. I love my girlfriend dearly, and I would be devastated if we broke up but I'm realistic in thinking that I could never find someone else. I'm also realistic in that some of the things she does and says drive me round the bend- and I know she feels the same. In spite of those differences and annoyances we're still great together.

ibarelycare

OP I was 100% sure I was with "The One" for nearly 3 years. And when we broke up I was 100% sure I'd never meet anyone like him again. I was so heartbroken and distraught. I was sure that any relationships after him would be a case of me settling. And to be honest, I did feel that way for a very long time, well over a year in fact. I did have short-lived flings in that time, and no one ever lived up to him, but that's only because I had him on such a pedestal.

It took me taking a step back and stopping trying to rely on someone else for my happiness and fulfillment to realise that he wasn't "The One". We weren't together any more, so clearly he wasn't the one for me and I wasn't the one for him. I decided to focus on myself for a while and enjoy being single and just to take things as they came. I've since met someone with whom I have a far better relationship than with my ex, and I met him at a time when I was more content with myself than I had been in a very long time.

So my advice would be for you to do the same. Try your best to focus on yourself and what YOU can do to make yourself happy. It's only been 4 months so it's still early days. It's perfectly normal to feel the way you are, but concentrate on moving forward rather than looking backwards. I wish I'd been able to do that a lot earlier!

LegacyUser

The point is not that there is one and one only, but rather that you find someone you can't live without and they become your "one". So many people will tell you that their one turned out to be someone they wouldn't look twice at the first time they met, or they were under their nose for years and suddenly it dawned on them, or thought they'd had their heart broken by "the one" and they'd never love again, then forgot who they were even thinking about when the actual "one" came along. They'll also tell you that even with "the one", they still have the mundane, annoyed thoughts like "I wish the ****er would put his dirty socks in the laundry basket", or "I wish she'd shut up during the football", which doesn't make them any less the one.

In your case, it didn't work, so he wasn't "the one" and now you're free to find the one, the right one.

R.D. aka MR.D

clues wrote: »

Well that's exactly how I felt about my ex. We shared the same values and thought we would be together till the end. I'm abit confused as to the end you said he was the one then said I'd disagree because I think he wasn't? personally I wouldn't care what anyone thought of my ex because we shared brilliant years together. We did break up for reason and he's not even in the same country as me anymore but I know what we had was something special.
Don't get me wrong we had little fights/disagreements,it wasn't a fairytale (no relationship is) I was just wondering has anyone known they were meant to be with someone from their past.

Sorry, I can see how my post was ambiguous. I meant The One (caps) is almost like a concept, it's own thing. I meant the one (no caps) in the sense that its simply a pronoun with no other meaning outside of that.

What I was getting at was the fact that I don't believe in The One (as a concept) but my OH and I have a 'real connection' as you put it. Your post kind of implied that people who don't believe in The One (as a concept) aren't in 'real' relationships.

Anyway, sorry for being confusing.

You say that the relationship was great. Why did you break up? Was it because he moved away? Did you refuse to move with him? I personally think that in cases like that things can be resolved if the couple wants them to be especially if you both want to be together. Does he want to be with you?

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. For neynite, I never said I thought you were personally plodding along in your relationship, I never said that? Time means nothing in a relationship, I have been in relationships any where from 8 years to 2 and in my personal experience, you can connect better with someone that you've only known a few months. I also don't know where you got the idea he broke up with me. That wasn't the case.
We both have said a little while ago that we loved eachother which is probably why it's making it more confusing. We haven't talked in awhile though.
It's very hard to explain a situation through a forum where people only see it as a black and white answer. I'm trying to keep it as anonymous as possible. Thank you all for replies and I'll try make myself happy instead on relying on him to make me feel like a full person.

LegacyUser

It's as real as you want it to be, as real as you make it in your head..kind of like Santa; It's just a notion, a romantic ideal ingrained in us through the centuries and still pushed more than ever in romantic films etc. It's that person that you believe will you make you happy, because you don't believe you can be fulfilled and happy by yourself, it's better/easier if someone does it for you. It's the person of all your relationships that you fancy the most/ have the best connection with/ some other x factor that makes the attraction strong. It could be this person meets your criteria the best for a partner, usually who is most like you, in outlook and values. Kind of the archetype of who you always believed you'd end up with.
But this person you've fixated on is also just a very flawed human too and it may or may not work out. As time goes on and to go through more break ups, each one becomes harder and the next one who you fall for you'll put even more hopes and pressure on it to work and that can more so make it seem like you lost the one.
So all in all this notion is not serving you in any way and will negatively affect your emotions even more so when dealing with a break up. Let it go, it's not real, if the relationship is truly over and there's no going back then you have to do whatever it takes to move on starting with no more romantising and idealising what is just another normal person.

Eeden

clues wrote: »

...It's very hard to explain a situation through a forum where people only see it as a black and white answer...

But you asked for a black and white answer: The One - fact or fiction?

If it were fact, no widow or widower would ever remarry.

LegacyUser

I think it is incredibly limiting to either hang on to a belief that a person in your past is 'the one', or that there is only one person in your future who is 'the one'.

It's also pinning your happiness on someone else. Big mistake in my book; like you're only going to be happy if you meet the elusive 'one'. What if they're on the other side of the planet, they're the wrong gender, the wrong sexual orientation for you, married or with someone? Does that mean game over? That you can never be happy with anyone else?!

The truth is that at various stages in our lives, someone might be the right fit. But so might a number of other people, who you may - or may not - have met. And that as you grow and change, the 'fit' with the person you're with might change. Hopefully for the better, but sometimes for the worse, and so a breakup happens. By the fact that you've split up, well that says that you and your ex weren't the right fit. So your ex isn't only not 'the one'; he's not the even the same type of person who has potential to be 'your one'. Or if you ex initiated the split, then you're not the type of person to be 'his one'.

Honestly, I think the notion of 'the one' is fed by chick flicks and trashy books, and is a bad idea, because as I said at the start, is very limiting. To me, it also encourages a notion of unrealistic putting of someone on a pedestal. Real life is far more nuanced. And needing compromise.

Gives me the heebies re women having a touch of princess syndrome tbh. Not saying that's what you're like, but if makes my ears prick up if someone goes on about 'the one'. It just seems so defeatist and not prepared to try, like expecting things to come to you, if that makes sense. Again, not saying you're like that! Just saying that I am really uncomfortable with the notion of 'the one'.

zeffabelli

Fiction. But isn't everything?

A fact or facts cannily take you so far as to how you interpret them, which then consolidated become fiction.

So it's really what you choose to believe and what suits you right now.

suicide_circus

Complete fiction. It also puts it totally unreasonable amounts of pressure and expectation of yourself and potential partners. Anyone peddling this myth ain't too bright. Just because you're not over your last love dosnt mean he was the only human being for you. In some ways, I don't think any of us fully "get over" people we have loved....they'll always be with you in some sense. Shouldn't stop you being happy though.

LegacyUser

Ok maybe I worded the whole thing wrong. I didn't mean literally the one where I have retired self to my room because I've lost him and will find no one else. We were a really good fit and I feel like I won't find someone that I get on with that much again....it took me so many years to get a connection,who's to say it will even happen again?

batmanrobin

clues wrote: »

Ok maybe I worded the whole thing wrong. I didn't mean literally the one where I have retired self to my room because I've lost him and will find no one else. We were a really good fit and I feel like I won't find someone that I get on with that much again....it took me so many years to get a connection,who's to say it will even happen again?

Well, OP, it might not happen again. That's life. Then again, it could happen with someone who is an even better fit for you in that you don't break up.

This world holds no guarantees. You just have to go about living your life and if someone comes into it who can add to your happiness, great.

It's only been a few months. Give yourself time to heal. When you're feeling better about things, you'll see the situation in a more positive light.

VisibleGorilla

Absolutely a work of fiction, a prince for every princess, a Disney fairytail... give me a break.

LegacyUser

@visiblegorilla this sort of comment doesn't help at all. You obviously didn't read the thread beyond the first two lines. I said absolutly nothing about a prince or a fairytale. I said we had fights and it wasnt perfect,nothing is.
Thanks for everyone else who actually read the thread and managed to reply in a constructive way. I'll take what you all said on board

meeeeh

clues wrote: »

Thanks for replies. For neynite, I never said I thought you were personally plodding along in your relationship, I never said that? Time means nothing in a relationship, I have been in relationships any where from 8 years to 2 and in my personal experience, you can connect better with someone that you've only known a few months. I also don't know where you got the idea he broke up with me. That wasn't the case.
We both have said a little while ago that we loved eachother which is probably why it's making it more confusing. We haven't talked in awhile though.
It's very hard to explain a situation through a forum where people only see it as a black and white answer. I'm trying to keep it as anonymous as possible. Thank you all for replies and I'll try make myself happy instead on relying on him to make me feel like a full person.

It doesn't matter why you broke up. There are people who are great match for us and there are some who aren't as good but we still end up with them. It's possible that this ex will be love of your life and you will never meet anyone like him. But that doesn't mean they are not around, it just means you might not meet them or connect quickly enough with them to end up together. It's also very possible you will meet someone with whom you are just as happy.

There us definitely not one destined person for us. There is also no destiny that brings the one back into your arms. If you want to get back together with ex you can try but there is no magic force that will bring you together, it will have to be all your doing.

stickybookmark

ibarelycare wrote: »

We weren't together any more, so clearly he wasn't the one for me and I wasn't the one for him

This sums it up.

Yes there is the ''One'' but OP you & this guy are broken up, so clearly the One isn't him!

The One is the one that lasts, that sticks, that works out longterm, that you grow old with. You haven't found that One yet. It's not this guy if it was ye wouldn't be broken up.

LegacyUser

I understand what you mean stickybookmark. I was just hoping maybe to hear of a story of someone on here that went through a break up but they managed to overcome any problems and make it long term.
I do wish we were still together but then I realise if we wanted to make it work, we would do anything to do just that.
It's just hard ending a chapter on your life that feels like it was cut short for whatever reason. I need to just come to terms that it is the end I suppose

LegacyUser

OP you havnt given any clues as to why you broke up. Usually therein lies the fundamental reason this guy is not the one for you. If he didnt meet your needs or you didnt meet his in whatever ways and you both didnt/couldnt work it out, then, he wasnt the one for you nor you for him. You broke up with him for various reasons, and obviously real, proper reasons. Putting your own thoughts aside on how much you wanted him in your life and for it to work, do you think HE wanted it as much as you seem to in every way? Because if so would you not be still together?

I think most mature adults dont believe in 'the One', in a destined to be together by fate scenario, which when it doesn't work out you're then forever pining away just because of a silly notion. The one in real life is the person who you form a relationship with, and for a mix of reasons; great compatibility/similar outlooks/love/great communication, etc, no matter what both of you will work it out, not one half but both want it more or less equally, and so you do and you stay together. Simply if you couldn't make it work, either of you didnt want or prioritise it enough to work, so they weren't 'the one' or right for you.

LegacyUser

the1_ wrote: »

OP you havnt given any clues as to why you broke up. Usually therein lies the fundamental reason this guy is not the one for you. If he didnt meet your needs or you didnt meet his in whatever ways and you both didnt/couldnt work it out, then, he wasnt the one for you nor you for him. You broke up with him for various reasons, and obviously real, proper reasons. Putting your own thoughts aside on how much you wanted him in your life and for it to work, do you think HE wanted it as much as you seem to in every way? Because if so would you not be still together?

I think most mature adults dont believe in 'the One', in a destined to be together by fate scenario, which when it doesn't work out you're then forever pining away just because of a silly notion. The one in real life is the person who you form a relationship with, and for a mix of reasons; great compatibility/similar outlooks/love/great communication, etc, no matter what both of you will work it out, not one half but both want it more or less equally, and so you do and you stay together. Simply if you couldn't make it work, either of you didnt want or prioritise it enough to work, so they weren't 'the one' or right for you.

All of this post, and the fact that you might meet person A, whereas you could've had an equally good, if different, connection with person B. Dumb luck and timing plays a lot more of a part than alleged 'fate' of 'the one'. There is no 'one'; it's that you meet one of many people who you have a potentially good present & future with, and hope that it all works out. And if it doesn't work out because either or both of you recognise that while the present may be good, that there is no future in it, well surely that answers your point that they weren't even a maybe 'one'