Burning out

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Going unreg for this one.

I live with my gf. We were both students when we got together now I am qualified and she is is coming into her final year of studies.

Mf gf has anger issues. She loses her temper quite quickly over minor things. This upsets me and is starting to make me question the whole relationship. I am asking myself do I really want to be with someone who loses it over such insignificant things? She would lash out in minor physical ways initially until I sat her down and told her, sorry that is never acceptable, not even as a joke. Ever and that it was a dealbreaker for me. She stopped but I got a punch in the balls last night in bed, which she is claiming was an accident. I dont think it was. I slept on the couch because I was so angry at her.

She has so many excuses, her background with an abusive father, eating and body issues, exam stress etc.

At this stage I don't care. I have stress in my life but I deal with it. I go to the gym to burn off stress or do something else that takes the load off. I can be narky and cranky and stressed and a **** but I would never, have never and could never physically raise a hand in anger to anyone. Ever.

I think she is mentally unwell and I cannot be an emotional punching bag any more. I suggested Counselling and her first reaction was to tell me to "get a grip" and that she would never "intentionally hurt me". I dont care whether it's intentional or not. She is not in control of herself.

I have explained that we need to talk and if she doesnt seek Counselling the relationship is over but I am afraid that I will back out or back down. It's very hard to throw away years of your life together but I am not throwing away years in the future. There is never a good time to end an abusive relationship but that's what this is.

Neyite

Forget waiting for her to get counselling - in order for counselling to work, the participant needs to want to fix what they see is wrong. Your girlfriend sees nothing wrong with being abusive to you. She may have mental health issues but until she is willing to look into dealing with them nothing is going to change.

Just leave. She's nasty and violent and you deserve better. You deserve to be safe in your own home.

Penny Tration

You should leave her immediately. She's a violent bully and has been hitting you. you told her it was a deal breaker and she punched you last night anyway. that's your proof that she doesn't care about your needs.

Please contact AMEN because if you stay, this will get worse, not better.

Sunflower 27

Regardless of her apparent abusive background, physical abuse is never acceptable. You sound miserable. I know what I'd be doing in your shows and that would be leaving.

You deserve far better than this. She needs serious help. Maybe you leaving will make her address her problems. You staying us enabling her behaviour.

Emme

First of all I think you should get out of this relationship. Contact AMEN and tell them what is happening. Your GF might have problems but that is no reason to be physically abusive.

When you're leaving I'd advise you to do it quietly and don't tell her much before you go. Abusive partners can get worse if they know a partner is leaving.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend but she has to get help. You take care of yourself.

discus

I wouldn't even bother with AMEN. Just make plans to move somewhere else. In your own time, go look at some accomodation elsewhere, then once you have the keys, pack and leave. You don't owe her anything. If this was a reverse-gender situation, people would be advocating getting police involved... Which is the correct course of action. But if you can make a clean break without drama then do it. You don't owe her accomodation studies or not! You don't owe her an explanation either.

I suggested Counselling and her first reaction was to tell me to "get a grip" and that she would never "intentionally hurt me".

Jesus christ. She is using you as a physical and mental punching bag.

Emme

discus wrote: »

I wouldn't even bother with AMEN.

I agree that the OP should make immediate arrangements to move out but it might help him to talk to AMEN after he leaves her. Some women are magnets for abusive men and may end up in a series of abusive relationships. This applies to men too. People who are kind and decent sometimes attract people who aren't nice to them. AMEN and Women's Aid can help these people recognize red flags in subsequent relationships so they don't end up getting involved with an abusive person again.

OP, be very careful with contraception.

LegacyUser

You need to leave the relationship. I'm just out of a similar situation. The longer this sort of behavior goes on the more acceptable it will become to you. You'll start to make excuses for her behavior. It will just get worse until eventually you will change and become completely submissive to her or if you are of stronger character and slightly pig headed, like me!, the rows will become worse and worse....

It will affect you though, it'll seep in to other areas of your life. You could end up taking your frustrations out elsewhere work, family etc. I am only speaking from experience. I lost complete patience with my other half but instead of discussing it with her I was cranky and easy to anger with my colleagues and family. Luckily they were quiet understanding.

Whatever you do, do it soon. These things have a tendency of dragging out! Look after yourself. You don't owe her anything, look out for number one!!

mapaca

Her dismissive "get a grip" comments about counselling and saying she wouldn't intentionally hurt you - that's what stood out from your post. She doesn't see her behaviour is wrong, and that is scary. This is an abusive relationship. She will get worse if you stay. Please speak to AMEN or a trusted friend.

Wompa1

Leave! Went out with a girl that slapped me as hard as she possibly could twice. The first time was after she tickled me, my reflex's made me graze her with my elbow. Involuntary. I said: "Why would you hit me, it was an involuntary reaction to you tickling me, I told you to stop." She blamed me and then after a while made the excuse that she hits her brothers like that and they think it's funny...

Anyways. It happened one other time and that started the ball rolling in my mind to get the hell out of there and I did.

Don't tolerate that crap

zeffabelli

Punch in the balls is really crossing a line.

You can't be on egg shells all the time.

A really really important thing another poster brought up. You will get used to relating to people like this and others in your life might get the anger meant for her that you have to keep under wraps.

There really is no such thing as compartmentalisation when it comes to this.... It will filter through

And yeah you don't have to put up with this, whether death by s thousand cuts or very dramatic violence it's not worth it.