What to do when living with a bit of a nutter

One More Toy

Hi all

I live in a house split into several one beds.

Theres a girl living in the house who according to another housemate is a "bit weird with smells". She leaves the fire exit open (its next to her flat) sometimes overnight, and freezes the whole house. She also accused me of smoking in the house when she left me TWO notes, even after i wrote one back.

What would you do in this situation?

tayto lover

Sit her down and have it out with her.
Listen to her concerns and express your own.
Be assertive.

DivingDuck

I would firstly tell her, politely but firmly, that she is not entitled to leave the fire exit open, as it is part of the common area and represents a security risk. If she persists in this behaviour, you are within your rights to bring the matter to the landlord. Surely she has a window in her room she can leave open if there are indoor smells (cooking, perfumes, whatever) that are bothering her which would not have the same impact on the entire building...?

As to the smoking issue-- do you smoke? Have you had guests who smoke to visit? If not, reiterate this at the same time as you raise the issue of the fire exit with her. If she doesn't believe you, the onus is on her to prove her false accusation, which will obviously not be possible.

If you are a smoker/have smokers visit, are you allowed to do so according to the terms of your lease? If so, this is her problem and not yours. If not, you may have to accept that you're both breaking the rules of the house, and I wouldn't rock the boat.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't write any more notes. They're passive aggressive and a bad way of communicating. Next time she leaves you a note, talk to her in person.

One More Toy

DivingDuck wrote: »

I would firstly tell her, politely but firmly, that she is not entitled to leave the fire exit open, as it is part of the common area and represents a security risk. If she persists in this behaviour, you are within your rights to bring the matter to the landlord. Surely she has a window in her room she can leave open if there are indoor smells (cooking, perfumes, whatever) that are bothering her which would not have the same impact on the entire building...?

As to the smoking issue-- do you smoke? Have you had guests who smoke to visit? If not, reiterate this at the same time as you raise the issue of the fire exit with her. If she doesn't believe you, the onus is on her to prove her false accusation, which will obviously not be possible.

If you are a smoker/have smokers visit, are you allowed to do so according to the terms of your lease? If so, this is her problem and not yours. If not, you may have to accept that you're both breaking the rules of the house, and I wouldn't rock the boat.

No I dont smoke; and she has a note up on the door at the front asking people to do so outside, which they seem to be following. Which is a courtesy, as the landlord doesnt care either way if anyone smokes. I shut the door for the first time tonight, to be honest i hate the passive agressive nature of notes, but she never answers the door to me. The others say shes a bit of a nutter

Ursus Horribilis

If she's a nutter you're never going to be able to reason with her I'm afraid. Even if she continues to write the notes, don't sink to her level and write back. Knock on her door each and every time she writes one. She's probably too cowardly to face you. If she realises that every note written will lead to knocks on her door she might get the message. Also, keep shutting that fire exit door.

Ultimately though, and this isn't the advice you want, you may have to move out.

Edit: What you could also do is have a house meeting and talk to her directly. It all depends on the sorts of people who are in the house, what they think and what your relationship with them is like.

DivingDuck

I would disagree with the others on writing notes. So long as they are infrequent and extremely civil, IMO they are your best option with someone who is obviously very anxious/troubled. If you knock at her door and she refuses to answer, and you continue to knock in the future, there is a possibility she will report you to the landlord for harassing her-- I'm not saying this would be fair, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't happen. If all she can provide is a couple of very polite post-its, she will have absolutely no case at all and it will be obvious that the problem is her.

I would continue to shut the fire exit next time she leaves it open, and if she re-opens it, I would simply leave her a note saying that she is posing a security risk to the building as a whole, and that if she does it again you will be contacting the landlord to inform him of this. Nothing rude, just something along the lines of "Please do not leave the fire exit open, as it presents a security risk to the building and everyone in it. If the door continues to be left open, I will have to inform the landlord accordingly, as it invalidates the building's insurance."

She seems very vulnerable, and while that doesn't mean you have to put up with her nonsense, I definitely wouldn't do anything to make her feel threatened. While there is a grade-school feeling to the note-passing, it leaves you with a paper trail to prove you've been both civil and considerate by communicating in the manner of her choosing if the situation should escalate later. Good luck.

Mrs OBumble

What to do?

Move elsewhere.

Ursus Horribilis

On reflection Mrs O'Bumble's right. No point in going into battle with this one if she's that much of a nut job. No matter how nice the house is or how good the price/location are, is it worth it if you've to live with this one.

the_syco

One More Toy wrote: »

She leaves the fire exit open (its next to her flat) sometimes overnight

Slam it closed if it's open during the wee hours of the morning. If she complains that you woke her up, tough sh|t, you being cold woke you up.

La Fenetre

Move, or and live with it, and smile and nod.

You are completely wasting your time by trying to have any rational conversation / engagement with an adult who is not the full deck of cards. (Which is a lot more common than you might realise). They will quickly drag any conversation / actions / thought down to their level, and beat you with experience.

Pawwed Rig

Close the door and ignore the notes.

Butters1979

Why is everyone's advice 'move out'. This is where you have chosen to live and you do not need to be bullied out of it. I do not believe in pity for 'troubled people' if they chose to pass that trouble onto other people.

You don't smoke, you weren't smoking, tell her that when you see her, every note she shoves under your door crumple up and leave at her door. Close the fire exit and if she leaves it open again report her for it, you don't need to explain to her why the fire exit should stay closed. It's her responsibility to know why. Her education isn't your job. It's a security risk and will invalidate the insurance.

Then ignore her, she's not in charge.

Irishcrx

Honestly , sometimes I think asking for advice on this forum goes over the top , I mean can nobody use their own common sense anymore instead of wasting time asking other people for advice on the internet, which sprawls into disagreements and often pages of utter rubbish that has no real bearing on real life.

Fire door open - Close it.

Notes left/Smoking - Read said note , open your door , knock on hers and have a quick chat to resolve the situation.

This passing notes back and forth , passive aggressive game does nobody any good. In the time it took you to log in and write that question the situation could have been resolved.

La Fenetre

Irishcrx wrote: »

Honestly , sometimes I think asking for advice on this forum goes over the top , I mean can nobody use their own common sense anymore instead of wasting time asking other people for advice on the internet, which sprawls into disagreements and often pages of utter rubbish that has no real bearing on real life.

Fire door open - Close it.

Notes left/Smoking - Read said note , open your door , knock on hers and have a quick chat to resolve the situation.

This passing notes back and forth , passive aggressive game does nobody any good. In the time it took you to log in and write that question the situation could have been resolved.

Welcome to the social media generation, where minutiae must be discussed in minute detail to determine what group think opinion you should hold, while the wood gets lost in the trees.

One More Toy

La Fenetre wrote: »

Welcome to the social media generation, where minutiae must be discussed in minute detail to determine what group think opinion you should hold, while the wood gets lost in the trees.

It's an ongoing situation, and I wanted to know how best to proceed in the most sensitive manner seeing as she's not the full shilling

La Fenetre

One More Toy wrote: »

It's an ongoing situation, and I wanted to know how best to proceed in the most sensitive manner seeing as she's not the full shilling

Have a straight but civil face to face talk with her, if it doesn't assist the situation, don't waste any more of your time and energy on it. That might mean moving on to somewhere more sensible with more sensible people.

Pawwed Rig

One More Toy wrote: »

It's an ongoing situation, and I wanted to know how best to proceed in the most sensitive manner seeing as she's not the full shilling

Does she bother you at all other than the odd note which you can just bin and the door open? If not then I see no reason to engage with her. Just live your life

Ursus Horribilis

La Fenetre wrote: »

Have a straight but civil face to face talk with her, if it doesn't assist the situation, don't waste any more of your time and energy on it. That might mean moving on to somewhere more sensible with more sensible people.

OP says she won't open the door to them...

After that, it's up to the OP to decide how he/she feels about living there. Most likely this woman will always be a bit of a nuisance. If the OP's the sort of person who is happy to keep shutting the fire door and ignoring the woman's notes, then stay. If on the other hand the OP's the sort of person who wants a quiet life and no hassle, then they may need to move.

Mrs OBumble

Butters1979 wrote: »

Why is everyone's advice 'move out'. This is where you have chosen to live and you do not need to be bullied out of it.

Because the OP describes the other person as "a bit of a nutter".

The chances of reasoning with a person like that are slim. And the chances that they will move out are also slim.

So the choice is move out to a nut-job free place, or live with a nutter and put up with the behaviour.