Life-altering

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one..

About 8 years ago I had major surgery on my spine which I bounced back from pretty easily. Again last year I had to have more surgery but this time I've not been so lucky and I now have spinal cord damage and my future holds more surgery which brings with it the chance of more damage. I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of gun.
Now I am not about to kick the bucket or anything like it but this surgery has definitely been life altering. I used to be a very active person, my body was my tool and without it I have no career. Everything I have worked towards over the last 20years of my life is gone as I'll never pass the medical which is required each year in my industry. Basically on personal and professional level I have lost my passion in life.
I walk with a bad limp now, no power in one of my legs, bad spasms etc. I feel like an auld one every time I move and every time I move it is a reminder of what I have lost. My brain doesn't get a moments peace from it!
I've been good, doing everything the doctors have been telling me to do, I've been religious with my recovery, gym everyday, physio, good diet etc. I have remained positive thought out and even when I don't feel like it I still put a smile on my face and get on it.
But after a year I am now getting to the point where I have to admit to myself that my old life is gone and I am finding that very difficult to deal with.
I know this a grieving process I need to go though for my old life but I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm not one for pushing mental health issues aside and think now is time to speak to someone about all the crap that is going on in my head but I really have no idea where to start.
Not really sure why I am posting this, it's the first time I'm even admitting to myself I might need a bit of help to get my head around what has happened over the last year. Think I just needed to get this out.

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear you are having these problems physically.

When I was 12 years old my knee dislocated for the first time and from that moment my "ease in my body" was gone. I'm in my 40s now, I've had 3 different knee surgeries - the first at 15 which was major and was, for me, life changing. I walk badly. I have pain. I cannot wear heels (I'm female). My self confidence has been affected, I hunched for years trying to be invisible. People under estimate how much of a knock you take when you just don't look like everybody else moving about. Add in nervousness that you will fall, stumble, not be able to move quick enough in case of emergency etc.. And it's hard. It is. No doubt about that.

In your situation, speak to your GP, get counselling. See can you meet and talk to other people with a similar problem. I used a website for people with knee problems and it helped me enormously.

Acceptance is hard. I still don't know if I'm there yet, 25+ years later! But I can certainly reassure you, it does get easier. You find your limitations, you find things you can do and enjoy within those limitations. You find sideways approaches to things.

Physicality isn't everything and I have a very rich emotional and intellectual life. I'll never ski or run or even walk gracefully but I do have a very full life and the physical part of it isn't the whole of it.

I hope this post gives you some reassurance, I think the TLDR is this: the mind is stronger than the body. With the right attitude mentally you can be truly content no matter the physical state.

And of course, if people live to great ages, they can be very frail and in bad shape physically, but once the mental faculties hold up, they are ok. I often think I'd rather end up decrepit than mentally compromised? You, the essence of you, is in the mind, not the body.

Best of luck OP.

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Its never easy when lifes plans wrong and are outside of our control but its not the end of life and it can be an opportunity to look at new opportunities and ways of doing things.
I was diagnosed with a heart condition earlier this year after going to my GP with a cough. 2 months later I was told I needed heart surgery which I had a few weeks ago. I had a reasonably active life and had to terminate my work contract early to allow me have surgery. While I'm back on my feet, the things I can engage in are now limited, so I sort of know where you're coming from.

Its good that you know you need to talk to someone.
There is a sticky at the top of this forum with details of organisations who can help