Upset by husband's comments :( Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, i was between this and PI and it seemed the best fit.
My husband and I are married 2 years and we are about to start TTC. He has been really into the whole process and can't wait, has been looking after himself physically and doing research etc. We were talking about it all the other night, our hopes, fears etc etc and it all seemed grand.
Now maybe I'm over reacting but one little throwaway comment he made has made me quite upset now that I think about what it was. At the end of our talk I jokingly said that "oh, and we'll surely enjoy the baby making process" to which he replied in a sort of half joking half serious tone "yes we will. And sure we'd better make the most of it too cos once pregnancy happens aint gonna be none anymore". I questioned him on why he meant and he said well between morning sickness, discomfort, feeding, creches, school/activity runs etc etc we'd hardly have time for a sit down and a cup of tea let alone [an extravagance such as] sex.

We have an excellent sex life at the moment but it seems he is content to pretty much jettison and dispense with that completely once we achieve a pregnancy. I don't get it? Of course there may well be some impact on our sex life in the latter stage of my pregnancy and post birth but it should come back at some point. What if we want another baby down the line?

On one hand I feel like he is being a total pessimist and focusing on the negative in this regard. On the other I feel like it's only a silly comment and I'm over reacting like an eejit.

Has anyone come across this before and what should I say. thanks.

Intothesea

Hello there,

I haven't heard anything like this before but I have to say, it would make me wonder what's going on and why it's being addressed in such a way. Is it pointing to a feared (by him) future grudge or is it a not-terribly-honest or direct way of stating his intentions in the case of pregnancy in the marriage?

This would worry me a bit too, on the basis that it sounds like an important issue of one flavor or another and is being slipped into conversation in such a way that you can't really address it.

As for where he might be coming from, I'd put bets on either of the above scenarios. Maybe he's anticipating something that feels like rejection to him and is trying to 'steel' himself. If sex is a particularly strong part of your bond you can imagine that pregnancy, even if he's loving the idea, is spooking his feelings of being close to you (and the rest) in the future. Maybe what he needs there is sensitive reassurance. Even if you can't promise that child-bearing will leave you in the state to do it, you'll be aware of his feelings all the way through, that you won't inadvertently leave him behind, for example.

If he knows he has an issue with pregnancy and sex and this is his not-so-admirable way of letting you know, the only solution is to get to the heart of it and accept it. Technically at least Though I would think a period of abstinence would last as long as the pregnancy and shortly after, no?

There is a third option I suppose, and that is a very deep negative issue with bringing in a permanent third party to the marriage. Could he feel like this and still be so into the idea though? Some people can effectively lie to keep a relationship together that they value. This is most likely far-fetched but I'll throw it out there to see if it catches your eye.

That's all I've got. Wishing you a happy and harmonious resolution and a very happy family in the future.

Alf Veedersane

To be honest, it just reads like he's fearing the worst when it comes to sex post-baby. I wouldn't read anything into it.

I don't know him so I can't say definitively but when I read what he said, it's just that he assumes that with how he thinks you'll feel during pregnancy, how much time will be squeezed after a baby arrives, etc that sex will be a rarity.

He wouldn't be the first to join the dots and make the same assumption. Tbh, it pretty much ran through my head too.

IMO, nothing to worry about

Very Bored

As a man myself, I suspect he was making a joke. Perhaps it was insensitive at such an emotional time but I very much doubt he meant anything by it. Ask him about it if it would help you but I would be surprised if there's much in it.

omnithanos

It's the sort of comment I might make and not expect to be taken in any way seriously. IMO he was merely highlighting the fact that pregnancy and kids can seriously interfere with said activity and that he is ok with this sacrifice.

Kettleson

Ignore it, it sounds like something that was said in haste without much behind it.

You are both under stress and worry. It's easy for anyone to say, but try not to worry about things. They have a habit of working out in their own way and time.

Make a point of treating yourselves to a night out or something nice.

drunkmonkey

Just from your own comments, it's changed from a excellent sex life to a process, that's already taking a bit of fun out of it.
Maybe forget about the process and enjoy it without the pressure, as most men I know, like it or not there going to end up in the spare room at some stage, and when baby arrives, baby takes over. It's a big circle though, it'll go for a while but come back again.
Don't put to much emphasis on the end game as it might not happen on the first go and you don't want that pressure if it's takes a year or more to happen. It's not something you want to end up being a chore.
Don't read to much into his comments, they were through away and take them as such.
As for number 2, don't let the iron get cold as it can take a while for it to heat up again, enjoy!!

Lucuma

sorry to break it to you but it's different after you have a child!

ted1

Lucuma wrote: »

sorry to break it to you but it's different after you have a child!

Yep, it's all about fitting in the quickies

Jen44

would tend to agree! its the tiredness, life is so much more busier I was only saying to my husband last night that we need to try fit in more us time and that we should try go out just the two of us once a month. We are just tired all the time we both work full time and the evenings are busy getting the dinner and the baby bathed and lunches ready for the next day, etc etc!! That being said I wouldnt change it for the world think you just have to think its a lull period and the sex life will pick up again when things are not so chaotic...at least thats what i hope!!

munchkin_utd

when you have a baby, your life is changed forever. The life you knew before is gone.
It'll be the guts of 18years, or more, till the kid(s) are out of your house and you can act independently again.

And as the previous poster says , even when the child grows up a little, you are running from pillar to post trying to fit in work and child. Your social life goes out the window, as does to a large extent any semblance of being a couple , because thats not what you are any more, youre a family.

Anyhow, rather than get annoyed at your husband, step back and consider if you really want kids, because if you think you can carry on as life was previously, youre wrong.
Your husband unfortunately (thankfully!)has a very realistic view of how it turns out.

have a look at this hilarous video by Michael McEntire and you will get a hint of how stuff pans out
As the initial comment goes "Michael McIntyre is so right. People without kids think they know, but they don't have a clue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFQfylQ2Jgg

toadfly

munchkin_utd wrote: »

Your social life goes out the window, as does to a large extent any semblance of being a couple , because thats not what you are any more, youre a family.

Thats a little patronising, myself and my husband dont have kids and we are certainly family to each other. Thinking we arent proper family without kids is the wrong way to look at it.

OP, yes your life will change but you dont have to lose who you guys are as a couple. Assuming you have some family support nearby, once over the newborn stage I imagine it will be easier to get time to yourselves. Parents dont have to give their life up when they have kids, most do but those tend to live through their kids and have nothing then when kids leave. Not the way to go in my opinion.

Stealthfins

In a way he's being very sensible and accepts that your sex life could change between gestation and giving birth.

He doesn't sound like he's being negative or anything,he's just accepting life will change.

Being a first time parent is a turning point some men and women naturally adapt,actually over the years some people I expected to be really good parents turned out to be gittering wrecks,constantly worrying and going by the book.
Instead of going with the flow,they were monitoring everything,googling this that and the other.

I'd be more worried if your husband was moaning about the lack of sex and thinking of himself.

He sounds like a good unselfish man,I'm sure ye'll have a wonderful time together.

Sounds like he is very sensible.

Wabbit Ears

He's accepting the reality of it and you're overreacting and reading into it the complete polar opposite of how the comment was intended.

Elemonator

He's probably just a little apprehensive of the unknown.

LegacyUser

toadfly wrote: »

Thats a little patronising, myself and my husband dont have kids and we are certainly family to each other. Thinking we arent proper family without kids is the wrong way to look at it.

OP, yes your life will change but you dont have to lose who you guys are as a couple. Assuming you have some family support nearby, once over the newborn stage I imagine it will be easier to get time to yourselves. Parents dont have to give their life up when they have kids, most do but those tend to live through their kids and have nothing then when kids leave. Not the way to go in my opinion.

If you don't have children, there is no way you can know what it is like. You cannot imagine what it is like to bring a person into this world who is totally dependent on you. Your entire focus is switched to the children, that is totally natural and normal and good parenting. When they are happy, you are happy. That is why parents spend hours reading the same books or playing the same games.

toadfly wrote: »

Parents dont have to give their life up when they have kids, most do but those tend to live through their kids

Now this is patronising

Penny Dreadful

Things are different while TTC - if you get pregnant quickly then thats fantastic. If it takes time you may find that sex is less about you finding your partner attractive and you wanting to have sex and more about you're ovulation and cycle, etc.
It took us a year of TTC before I got pregnant the first time and it did have an impact on the quality of sex - mentally for me at least.

This time around I got pregnant quite quickly, it was a little shocking to be honest:D.

There are times during your pregnancy where you are so tired you wouldn't believe and actually having to get on with life seems like a mega chore. This passes though and in your second trimester you're brimming over with energy and I certainly found that our sex life resumed.
At the end of my pregnancy the bump did require some negotiation but we managed.
I thought my husband might miss the old version of me but he seems to find me and my increasingly pregnant belly nothing short of amazing. Its a nice ego boost I must admit.

Post delivery I admit that it did take some time before I was feeling anyway like the old me again as opposed to a woman who had just given birth and whose body was recovering from that process. The first time we had sex again was a little scary for both of us. I was worried about feeling things the same way again and my husband was scared about hurting me. You take it easy and you get there.

We were lucky and had a baby that was a great sleeper, wasn't sick, didn't have colic, etc and so fitted into our lives with great ease. It allowed us to do a lot of things together such as go out for lunch or dinner, walks, visit our friends, etc without too much hassle. We also accepted offers of babysitting from family and friends and took the opportunity to be just us as a couple again instead of someone's parents.

Things change when you are pregnant and then have a baby. It would be impossible for them to not. Change isn't always a bad thing though. It becomes the new normal and you make things work for yourselves.
I would think it very important that you talk to each other about your hopes and fears for the future and make time for yourselves and your relationship too.

Neyite

JmpStry wrote: »

If you don't have children, there is no way you can know what it is like. You cannot imagine what it is like to bring a person into this world who is totally dependent on you. Your entire focus is switched to the children, that is totally natural and normal and good parenting. When they are happy, you are happy. That is why parents spend hours reading the same books or playing the same games.

My partner and I were a family when we didn't have children. And now we do, we are just a bigger family than we were before. Not everyone focuses soley on their children, my focus is on my family as a whole - making time for my child, making time to spend with my partner, and making time for me.

wrote:

Now this is patronising

Not really - its observational. The same ones boring the face off us about their kids are likely the ones who bored the face off us about their wedding too. And Toad is correct that they probably have little else going on that that is all they can talk about.

January

Hi JmpStry,
Just a quick message to let you know that we will not be approving any more of your anonymous posts in this topic. Typically anonymous posting is reserved for sensitive questions, or sensitive replies to a question asked. You responses in this thread do not fall under the sensitive bracket and can be posted under your normal username from now on.

January.

skallywag

I don't see any reason for you to be concerned here OP. I'm pretty sure I said pretty much something along the same lines myself, which was meant as a bit of black humour, and nothing else.

In my own experience the only time that the sexlife really went quiet was right after the birth, but that can't be avoided anyway as one is under doctor's orders. Yes, of course your life has more going on in it than before the new arrival, but to listen to the way some folk bang on about this that and the other way that they never have 5 minutes to themselves anymore, etc, well it just sounds to me that it's sometimes all to convenient for some to use the new family situation as a cop out.

LegacyUser

You know I never thought anything would reduce my sex drive, I would have laughed if anyone said that becoming a mother would kill it. I would have felt exactly the same as you, back before i was a mum but but he could be right!!! But the good news is that you won't mind so much then.

xzanti

You're allowed to feel overwhelmed OP. It's a scary time. Don't ever feel like you're overreacting. It's totally normal.

Regarding what your Husband said. I'd wager he was just rehashing something that some fellow new dads had joked to him about, or something he re-called from a film.

He doesn't have a crystal ball. Just take it one day at a time.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

T-Maxx

I'd say your husband's a realist, that's all.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wife and I had a few days away without the kids recently. We didn't know ourselves having the whole day and night to ourselves. It was the first time we've been alone in 5 years.
As soon as we picked them up from the grandparents everything reverted back to reality.
The dynamic changes totally once kids arrive and sorry to say it, couples without kids have no idea what its like.