*fat* issues

LegacyUser

Before anyone gives out to me or tells me how horrible I am, trust me I KNOW. I don't know or understand why I think these things and I don't want to and want to learn how to stop or let it go.

Since I was young, like primary school age, I've taken it upon myself to judge or be less than nice to people that are overweight. I think this stems from my mam to be honest - My mam was like this when I was growing up - very very strict with what food came into the house, I wasn't allowed to eat sweets at birthday parties or bring home a goody bag afterwards, we didn't go trick or treat at Halloween, she was always quite thin and I don't remember her ever eating in front of me or anyone at all. We were often told we should "choose between lunch or dinner because you don't need both". This wasn't a money issue by the way. She was constantly making comments about people who are overweight, like people on tv, random people in the shop or even people we knew. I can remember recognizing it as "wrong" and a horrible and mean thing to do and swore I'd never be like that.

In the last few years, I've realized that I'm 100% like this, even though I have no right to be because I'm a bit overweight myself right now, and go from being very fit and slim to very large. For example I've been every size between 8 and 20 in the past 12 years or so. (I've binged for years from having to eat in secret at home, and also struggle with bulimia). However, I find myself extremely inpatient and sometimes even rude when it comes to people who are overweight. I remember a girl in my college years who was very big, and I hated even speaking to her and sometimes found myself even rolling my eyes if I ever saw her or heard her voice. I still feel awful for this.

I'm an adult now and need to let go of these horrible tendencies - do I need to go to counselling? What sort? Is this because of my own body problems? I don't want to have a child if I'm going to act like this and if it will affect them.

Neyite

It's good that you've recognised that your views are wrong and that you want to change them.

I would endorse counselling, maybe your GP could point you in the right direction? I think you've likely inherited skewed views of food from your mother and need to rethink it from an adult perspective so maybe a counsellor that specialises in eating disorders?

Addle

I don't think your opinion is unusual OP so don't be too hard on yourself.

ivytwine

bigbodyissues wrote: »

We were often told we should "choose between lunch or dinner because you don't need both".

This really jumped out at me OP. What a bizarre attitude for a parent to have! Honestly it sounds like your mother has an eating disorder herself. With that, I don't think you ever stood a chance.

I think you need to get some professional help here, as you say you've struggled with bulimia. If your weight is going up and down and so on, your body is under tremendous strain. From a health point of view you'll need to address that.

Regarding the disgust you have for overweight people, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You were taught that these people were bad and it's not easy to rid yourself of such ingrained attitudes. That's why I think counselling may help you to get all these things unpicked.

As long as you're not openly being horrible to overweight people, I think you can cut yourself some slack.

Katgurl

Ah you poor thing, you are being very hard on yourself. Listen your mother has an eating disorder and you are still suffering the consequences. Definitely get some counselling. Fat people are not good or bad they are just people who are presently carrying extra weight. I hope you get some help, it must be a big burden to carry (pun intended) extra lbs if you've been raised to view anything beyond skinny as disgusting.

frostyjacks

I don't think you need counselling; it's not an uncommon attitude for people to have towards overweight or obese people. So long as you aren't shaming them in public you're entitled to hold your own opinion.

strandroad

OP I think you recognised your mother's disordered thinking, her influence on yourself and the risk to your children well. I agree that counselling would help. That you have no time for overweight people is not unusual in itself, but with your background it points to much deeper issues that it would be best to resolve before you have a chance to pass them on.

themissymoo

frostyjacks wrote: »

I don't think you need counselling; it's not an uncommon attitude for people to have towards overweight or obese people. So long as you aren't shaming them in public you're entitled to hold your own opinion.

I feel this is quite unfair, as there are a hundred and one reasons why someone could be overweight. I think it's important that the OP addresses these issues they have with overweight people, rather than just being less harsh on themselves about it.

I'd definitely recommend you attend counselling OP. It'd definitely be worthwhile talking this over with someone professionally. You never know what you'll find out about yourself. I do agree that maybe you're going a bit hard on yourself, but it's not right in my opinion to judge someone based on how they look (even if most/all do it too) so much that you're rude to them. Best of luck with it!

eviltwin

frostyjacks wrote: »

I don't think you need counselling; it's not an uncommon attitude for people to have towards overweight or obese people. So long as you aren't shaming them in public you're entitled to hold your own opinion.

To judge someone on their weight to the extent that you don't like them or treat them badly is a problem. Its not celebrating or condoning weight gain, its just being a nice person. Its also stopping the OP having potential relationships with someone. Like it or not there are overweight people in the world, our friends, people we work with, neighbours etc...he/she needs to find a way to be civil to them or its going to make him/her look like a nasty person.

Penny Tration

frostyjacks wrote: »

I don't think you need counselling; it's not an uncommon attitude for people to have towards overweight or obese people. So long as you aren't shaming them in public you're entitled to hold your own opinion.

The problem is that her thoughts ARE influencing how she acts towards them. It's not just her thinking less of them, she's doing mean things like rolling her eyes when they speak.

That would indicate a disordered way of thinking, which therapy could help with

Ursus Horribilis

eviltwin wrote: »

.... Its also stopping the OP having potential relationships with someone. Like it or not there are overweight people in the world, our friends, people we work with, neighbours etc...he/she needs to find a way to be civil to them or its going to make him/her look like a nasty person.

This is the important bit. I've no problem with people not fancying or not wanting to date an overweight person - attraction is what it is. What's unacceptable is being rude to overweight people. A large percentage of the population is overweight so she's going to be meeting a lot of them as she moves through life. What is she going to do if she finds herself in a job where she has to work closely alongside a heavy person? Her boss is overweight? Her boyfriend's best friend is a few stone heavier than he should be? Definitely OP, go for counselling. You've got a lot of issues going on there, not just with other people.

meeeeh

I think you should go to counselling. Never mind your attitude towards overnight people but it's clear your attitude towards food is not healthy.

Shrap

In my experience, when people have an unkind or unhealthy opinions about a "type" of people, then they usually have unkind/unhealthy opinions about themselves too.

OP, your mother may have been a case in point here, and perhaps you are too now. You may find in counselling that when your thought patterns about yourself change (and start to less reflect your mother's), then you will no longer be making such judgments about other people too. But you know that, or you wouldn't be worried about having such a devastating effect on your future children as your mother had on you.

Best of luck. You sound like an independent thinker waiting to get out from under your mother.

LegacyUser

Thanks all!

I'm in third level education so I've been able to use a counselling service in my university to read up on leaflets and books about unhealthy relationships with food. It's suiting me right now to see a counseller in college because it's free for me and I can let out everything I need too, but if he thinks I should see someone else in the future then I will definitely look into it.

I agree with the posts that say when you think badly about someone else, you probably think badly about yourself too. I definitely struggle with my body image and weight and want to work on solving this so I can stop projecting it onto people who have done nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

I think you're being extremely harsh towards yourself. Here you are looking for help with a mindset that has been instilled in you your entire life. Despite everything you've been shown and taught by your mother you are still able to recognise your own tendency to think this way and are making an effort to improve. This deserves a pat on the back in my opinion.

I wonder if cognitive behavioural therapy would help you? I found it excellent for helping me change the negative ways I viewed myself. My parents are very angry people by nature so I grew up being very angry with myself and being very harsh on myself. CBT worked very well with this. I suspect it would work for you too.
Good luck

PucaMama

I can't believe so many don't see this as an issue. Just because it's a common attitude doesn't mean it's ok.

Op, get help for your own issues around food.

There's not much more I can say because to be honest it winds me up the type of person that would think that way about someone that is overweight like I will admit I am. And my weight problems come from my own issues around food and my own upbringing to do with it. Maybe try thinking to yourself next time you see an overweight person about what they could be going through.

dudara

@frostyjacks - I have deleted your post as it was off-topic and not rpoviding any advice to the OP.

dudara

Rubberchikken

whatever about your attitude to overweight people, which came from your mom, i think that maybe counselling to help to food issues would be a priority.
as you say, if you have a child you don't want to raise it to have these issues and that a great realisation to have.
your mother had some unhealthy attitudes towards food and it's great that you want to change this for yourself. good luck