Is my girlfriend selfish or am I over reacting?

LegacyUser

I'm going out with my girlfriend (late 20s/early 30s) almost two years now. I work a very physically demanding job. She works in an IT company, sitting at a desk all day.

Anytime she comes over to mine and we're on the couch watching TV she falls asleep. Every, single, time. She has her little nap on the couch and then when it's time for bed she's wide awake and needs to read etc to go back asleep.

She recently took up running and runs 4/5km to and from work everyday. Last night when she came over after her run she was asleep by 8pm on the couch.

I feel like she might as well not have been there. I watched telly, cooked dinner for myself and got some things done around the house. I felt very lonely.

Is she selfish by doing this or am I over reacting?

Lux23

You're overreacting.

Neyite

I don't think she is selfish, but she has gotten herself into bad sleeping patterns for herself, and as a result, it impacts on your evenings together.

But before you talk to her about potential selfishness or whatever, consider suggesting to her to rule out any medical reasons for her fatigue in the evening - some medications / hormonal changes can have a big effect in terms of tiredness.

Diamond Doll

You just have different routines. It's no big deal.

Why not try to adjust to her routine a little, maybe go for a snuggly snooze with her for an hour or so? Suggest going to bed for a nap, rather than having her fall asleep on the couch when you know it's going to happen anyways.

Just because a job isn't physically demanding doesn't mean she won't be wrecked after a days work, especially if she's running there and back!

I actually think it's quite nice that she feels comfortable enough in the relationship to do that.

You sound a little over-dependent, saying you're lonely because she's gone for a nap, I mean if she wasn't there you'd be alone anyways! If everything else in the relationship is good, it seems a very minor thing to get upset over.

Confucius say

I hear ya op, that would probably wreck my head sometimes. I remember I had a girlfriend once who id go to the cinema with, something we may have been looking forward to for a while, and shed fall asleep after 20 mins!
But yeah she's not selfish and you are overreacting. Leave her to it and do your own thing, you could be together for a very long time plenty of time to talk.

iusedtoknow

Overreacting, I work in IT and my wife is a doctor, a surgeon so spends most of her 18-24 hour shifts standing or waiting to stand. 5 minutes on the couch on a Friday evening and I can be napping.

Either you're a napper or you're not. I am she isn't

ash23

Over reacting OP.
My fella is a terrible sleeper and would stay up until 3 or 4am. I've always loved my sleep and been an early to bed and early to rise kinda gal. I also have a medical condition which makes me tired.

We work around it. I have a nap if I need to be up late. We go to bed at the same time but I go to sleep and he watches stuff on his phone. I get up early and he has a lie in. I'm sure it could bug him that I want to go to sleep by 10pm much the same as it could bug me when I'm up at 8am on a weekend and he stays in bed until noon but what's the point?

We make sure that between naps and early nights and late mornings, we spend some decent quality time together and it works.

CaraMay

You are lonely when your gf takes a nap while in your company? Seriously? You are coming across as either very needy or very controlling. I can't decide which. Let the girl have a snooze if she wants. If it doesn't suit you then don't ask her over. Would hope you would be more understanding if you ever had kids.

discus

I'd be pretty annoyed at that OP. If she's not willing to be good company for you, make your own plans and do something that you'll enjoy, or add value to your life with. Your purpose as a boyfriend isn't to provide a comfortable nap place for her. If that's all you pair do together, then break that cycle and do your own thing.

whiskeyman

Work around it and make sure you plan time together when suits.

Chemical Byrne

I remember reading a thread on here a while back with a girlfriend/wife (who worked an office job) giving out about her boyfriend/husband (who worked a physical job) lacking any understanding and saying things like "how could you be tired? sure you're only sitting at a desk all day!"

OP, just because a job doesn't involve pulling and dragging at things doesn't mean it isn't stressful and mentally tiring. You should cop yourself on and show a bit of understanding! Perhaps you could go for a run together? Or maybe ask her why she's so tired from work or what's stressing her?

Dellnum

I would be offended if my partner fell asleep every time she came to my place. I would take it that she is not interested in my company enough to remain awake. I get it that she is tired but if she cannot organize her time better i.e. forget about the running on the nights she calls to you then I would look elsewhere for a partner. Yes, I do think she is a bit selfish and no I don't think you are over reacting.

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

I would be offended if my partner fell asleep every time she came to my place. I would take it that she is not interested in my company enough to remain awake. I get it that she is tired but if she cannot organize her time better i.e. forget about the running on the nights she calls to you then I would look elsewhere for a partner. Yes, I do think she is a bit selfish and no I don't think you are over reacting.

My dad and brother both fall alseep watching films and tv no matter what you put on. I've never seen it as being selfish or an insult to the company, some people are just more inclind then others. My dad use to blame it on his age but my mum said he was always like that and my brother is exactly the same. If she falls asleep watching tv then just don't watch tv. Find other activites that are more sitmulating.

Doesn't sound like the OP is doing much to interact with her if he's cooking diner just for himself and cleaning around the house....what exactly is she meant to do while he is doing this? Why aren't they cooking meals together? Why doesn't he go run with her? He says she's very awake after having the nap and he's cooking for himself and cleaning while she's alseep so I'm really not getting the issue? He's claiming he's lonely doing this but again if he's only cooking for himself what exactly does he want her to do? Just sit and talk to him? I'd get that sometimes but if she wants a nap and he's busy why not let her have the nap and she's then more awake after? He if gets lonely when she's sleeping what is he going to do if they ever move in together? She can't spend every spare second entertaining him.

OhDearyMe

Never mind overreacting, are you reacting at all? Have you actually said anything to her about it?

bee06

OhDearyMe wrote: »

Never mind overreacting, are you reacting at all? Have you actually said anything to her about it?

Good point, unless you actually talk to her about it then how is she supposed to know you are bothered by this? But whatever you do, don't put forward your thoughts in the way you did in your OP because to be honest as someone who "sits at a desk all day" I'm quite insulted that you think this isn't exhausting. Just because people who work in an office aren't physically active doesn't mean the job isn't tiring. When I went through an incredibly stressful time in my job I used to fall asleep on the couch every evening because I was so stressed I spent half the night awake and worrying.

Knine

I could be the OPs girlfriend........ I regularly fall asleep in the middle of a movie. My OH works shifts & I'm a Carer.

However my OH laughs about it & gives me a slagging. Definitely an over reaction.

Have you even spoke to her about it?

LegacyUser

It is harsh say the op is overreacting. It's an issue that eventually will lead to problems down the road.
On a side note,I've had both physical and desk jobs and I can honestly say the desk jobs are mentally draining and I was a lot less energetic when I had one. Coupled with the fact that she's running to and from work seems very exhausting.
I would have a chat with her op. Just express the need to spend more quality time together and see if there is anyway around this issue.

Chemical Byrne

Knine wrote:

However my OH laughs about it & gives me a slagging. Definitely an over reaction.

That's disgraceful!
He needs a good mouthful with an attitude like that!
Have you reprimanded him about demeaning your work like that.

Ursus Horribilis

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

That's disgraceful!
He needs a good mouthful with an attitude like that!
Have you reprimanded him about demeaning your work like that.

Where in the post did she say her OH's demeaning her job? I took it as being a light-hearted exchange. I assume you're joking, right?

OP, I don't think your girlfriend's being selfish but I definitely think it's something you should talk about. You could come at it from a concern point of view. Are you feeling OK. Every time you come over to visit you fall asleep on the couch. I'd love to be able to talk to you but you're asleep. Definitely don't mention words like lonely or selfish. See where the conversation takes you.

Knine

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

That's disgraceful!
He needs a good mouthful with an attitude like that!
Have you reprimanded him about demeaning your work like that.

I mean he laughs about me falling asleep. Believe me he knows how difficult the caring role is. He is a great help.

Carlos Orange

It sounds pretty unfulfilling but I don't see how it could be viewed as selfish unless there is something outside of your home you would rather be doing and you are stuck watching your girlfriend sleep instead.

When it is time for bed and she is reading are you able to get to sleep?

Baron Kurtz

Women have less red blood cells than men. Factor in fatigue. Actually, don't. There probably are a wealth of other factors. Maybe you're boring the balls off her.

stargazer 68

lonelyone wrote: »

Anytime she comes over to mine and we're on the couch watching TV she falls asleep. Every, single, time. She has her little nap on the couch and then when it's time for bed she's wide awake and needs to read etc to go back asleep.

She recently took up running and runs 4/5km to and from work everyday. Last night when she came over after her run she was asleep by 8pm on the couch.

I feel like she might as well not have been there.

Well I dont think you are over reacting OP because that would p*** me off too - why bother coming over to see you at all if she is just going to kip on the couch! Might as well stay at home IMO

Diamond Doll

Dovies wrote: »

Well I dont think you are over reacting OP because that would p*** me off too - why bother coming over to see you at all if she is just going to kip on the couch! Might as well stay at home IMO

But sometimes it's nice to just be comfortable enough with someone that you can just totally relax in their company, even if that involves napping!

It would be different if the OP had other plans for the evening, then she insisted on him cancelling so that she could come over, and then spent the evening asleep.

But if he was doing nothing anyways, I think it's kind of sweet that she'd rather spend the evening with him - even if she was wrecked - rather than both of them being home alone.

stargazer 68

Diamond Doll wrote: »

But sometimes it's nice to just be comfortable enough with someone that you can just totally relax in their company, even if that involves napping!

.

Yes you are right but every single time she comes over! If someone came to my house and kipped on the couch every time I wouldnt be very impressed - especially then if they wake up to go to bed and read!

Saipanne

lonelyone wrote: »

I'm going out with my girlfriend (late 20s/early 30s) almost two years now. I work a very physically demanding job. She works in an IT company, sitting at a desk all day.

Anytime she comes over to mine and we're on the couch watching TV she falls asleep. Every, single, time. She has her little nap on the couch and then when it's time for bed she's wide awake and needs to read etc to go back asleep.

She recently took up running and runs 4/5km to and from work everyday. Last night when she came over after her run she was asleep by 8pm on the couch.

I feel like she might as well not have been there. I watched telly, cooked dinner for myself and got some things done around the house. I felt very lonely.

Is she selfish by doing this or am I over reacting?

In my opinion, the biggest problem here is why you can't talk about this with her and work it out?

I don't have all the details, of course.

Carlos Orange

Diamond Doll wrote: »

I think it's kind of sweet that she'd rather spend the evening with him - even if she was wrecked - rather than both of them being home alone.

He is essentially home alone except he can't leave.

dudara

@discus - I have removed your post as it was off-topic. Please use the Report Post function if you have an issue with a post or poster.

dudara

Sunny Dayz

ok on the one hand I agree that she must be fairly happy and relaxed in your company to got for a snooze on the couch.


I work in an office job 9-5 and I am often exhausted after, and it's more mental tiredness. I hope you don't think that office workers spend their time playing solitaire and browsing facebook. A lot of the work requires concentration, problem solving and can be stressful. Also being in an office the air quality is usually poor and can make you feel fatigued.


However, do you actually plan or do anything when she calls over? I know when I sit down and relax at home after work, I get lazy and I can possibly nap. But if I stay up, and make myself busy, I'm ok.


Maybe if you did things together, went for a walk, cycle, swim, cooked dinner together, ate dinner at a kitchen table, went out to see friends or to the pub, it might keep her awake longer. But if it's a case that she lands over to your house and ye just sit on the sofa all evening watching tv, well it's no wonder she falls asleep!

Jack B. Badd

Does she fall asleep when you're doing stuff other than watching TV? Maybe she doesn't find TV interesting. Maybe you could try doing something more stimulating.

gline

How often does she do it, like 90%+, less than 50% etc of the times she is over? Because it matters how often we are talking about here.
Best thing to do would be to discuss it. Though I dont think its fair to nap everytime you are together and then shes wide awake later in the night, if it is very frequent. Naps can usually be avoided by keeping yourself a bit active or engaged in something. Maybe she could avoid napping and both of u go to bed a bit earlier and get up earlier?

arayess

i don't think you are over reacting , I think she is disrespectful constantly falling asleep on you.

It's like her time with you isn't considered valuable.