How to talk to girls.

LegacyUser

So I'm 19, in college, and I am a bit lost with how to get with girls.

I am still a virgin, this is something that bothers me, and i really want to loose it.

I don't know how to talk to girls. I have recently lost a lot of weight >2.5Stone. I have changed my style and appearance. I look really well for the first time in years.

I don't go to clubs as their not really my scene. But i go out to pubs with my mates, play football , and go to the cinema often enough and generally have a ok social life with my mates. I'm not out every week, but i do try.

I just need some advice on how to talk to girls, and get on with them enough to go on a date and maybe start a relationship.

Thanks

Merkin

Just to remind posters, if there is the faintest suggestion of PUA or anything pertaining to same on this thread it's being shut down so please consider that when posting, cheers.

Pawwed Rig

Your social activities seem to be very male or solo orientated. Would you try online dating or meet ups where a broader range of people will be?

corkgsxr

Just get used to it. More ya practice the easyer it is. Listen to them. Realise when they are glazing over with a topic

garrixfan

How are your looks op? Congrats on fat loss but remember girls have quite high standards so perhaps you didn't lose enough or just aren't attractive facially..remember the fitness industry currently pushes this nonsense that by just working out and eating right we will all be beautiful like celebs but it isn't the case, these celebs were always hot guys getting girls back when they were eating hotdogs and doritos every day of the week

kylith

You're in college, yes? Get talking to girl in the college bar and take it from there.

Just remember: Girls are not an alien species - they are just like you. Talk to girl the same way you would talk to anyone you didn't know that you'd like to know better.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't get obsessed with being a virgin. Or for that matter, view girls as potential girlfriend material. You're in college which is a really great place to start. Work on making female friends first. Talk to your classmates. Get involved in clubs or societies. Lots of people meet their boyfriends or girlfriends through mutual friends too. So even if you befriend girls you don't fancy, they might have friends who do float your boat.

Pat Mustard

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Your social activities seem to be very male or solo orientated. Would you try online dating or meet ups where a broader range of people will be?

Spot on.

Canoe club, hockey club, etc. These are the kinds of college clubs with a good mix of male/female participation.

Shrap

garrixfan wrote: »

How are your looks op? Congrats on fat loss but remember girls have quite high standards so perhaps you didn't lose enough or just aren't attractive facially..remember the fitness industry currently pushes this nonsense that by just working out and eating right we will all be beautiful like celebs but it isn't the case, these celebs were always hot guys getting girls back when they were eating hotdogs and doritos every day of the week

Sorry, whut?! Girls are not some homogeneous alien species that all think alike by any means. They come in all shapes and sizes too and a similar percentage of us feel very much the same as the OP at that age.

OP, I'm a 43 yr old woman, not 19, but I remember the fears well. If you are a decent, respectful and empathetic person, you will meet women who enjoy your company and would like to get to know you better. So long as you can put the "I must lose my virginity as quick as possible" to the back of your mind and actually approach women as friends with a view to friendship first, not sex, then you'll become more comfortable with how you feel around women and everything else will happen for you in time. But take your time.

Like other posters said though, join some clubs that are mixed and just get to know some people.

Confucius say

Don't fret OP. I was useless around women at your age, in college I found it hard as they were like some alien species having had no sisters and gone to an all boys club. The best thing to do is forget about scoring them for a while I think. Just talk to them like you would your male friends. You'll mature in time and your confidence will grow and you'll be able to be yourself around them and that's when you'll probably start hooking up with them when you least expect it. Don't fret son!

Old Jakey

For spefic advice on how to talk to girls, always keep it light and flirty. Girls loved to be teased, remember that.

For more general advice, you need to to be confident and have a sharp sense of humour, this can take years to develop so be patient. Adopt a 'no ****s given' attitude, if a girl doesn't like you then that's her loss and move on.

Remember time is of the essence (hesitate too long and you'l fall into the friendzone) so if you think you've got a chance with a girl, make a move and fast! Read up on body language too, it's important to present yourself as a confident person. And if you're not doing so already, start lifting weights.

Rubberchikken

you can talk to girls the same as you talk to lads. you've done great to get fit and healthy, and you're out there mixing with your mates. do any ofthem have girlfriends who could introduce you to their friends.
is there anyone in your classes that you could starty chatting to? start small and build up slowly. don't focus on losing your virginity, it just becomes the goal which gives it too much importance.
get to know some girls now, the relationships will follow. good luck

garrixfan

Shrap wrote: »

Sorry, whut?! Girls are not some homogeneous alien species that all think alike by any means. They come in all shapes and sizes too and a similar percentage of us feel very much the same as the OP at that age.

OP, I'm a 43 yr old woman, not 19, but I remember the fears well. If you are a decent, respectful and empathetic person, you will meet women who enjoy your company and would like to get to know you better. So long as you can put the "I must lose my virginity as quick as possible" to the back of your mind and actually approach women as friends with a view to friendship first, not sex, then you'll become more comfortable with how you feel around women and everything else will happen for you in time. But take your time.

Like other posters said though, join some clubs that are mixed and just get to know some people.

Sorry Lady but times have changed...average girls are expecting colton haynes male.model lookalikes and are getting them due to the current.imbalance.that exists.in the dating.game between men and women. A girl breaks up with a guy she has a 100 potential suitors right around the corner...a guy breaks up and it is a forseeable future of lonely nights

kylith

garrixfan wrote: »

Sorry Lady but times have changed...average girls are expecting colton haynes male.model lookalikes and are getting them due to the current.imbalance.that exists.in the dating.game between men and women. A girl breaks up with a guy she has a 100 potential suitors right around the corner...a guy breaks up and it is a forseeable future of lonely nights

1) You're really not helping the OP
2) That's just not true

Pawwed Rig

garrixfan wrote: »

Sorry Lady but times have changed...average girls are expecting colton haynes male.model lookalikes and are getting them due to the current.imbalance.that exists.in the dating.game between men and women. A girl breaks up with a guy she has a 100 potential suitors right around the corner...a guy breaks up and it is a forseeable future of lonely nights

Utter utter drivel

baby and crumble

Stop thinking about women as "WOMEN!!!" and just think of them as other people to talk to. And don't mind the poster telling you that if you're not "facially attractive" you're not good enough or some nonsense. Seriously, that's total rubbish.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming talking to people you find attractive, and that's exacerbated by wanting to have sex- but don't let that dictate how you relate to people. Go out, have fun, don't think about getting into peoples pants as soon as you see them. You'd be surprised how many people will find you attractive as yourself, seriously.

bee06

Totally agree with those who said treat women like people rather than "women". We're not that different and some of us will even enjoy a conversation about sport or other "male" conversation topics. And a lot of girls are just as nervous about talking to guys as you are talking to them! I know I was when I was nineteen.

pooch90

As has been said numerous times, just talk to them like you would any male friend/acquaintance. You don't need to pretend to be someone you're not just because you're speaking to a girl. Find similar interests as a starting point-music, TV always safe topics. If you have nothing in common then move on. Don't continue pursuing just in the hopes of getting laid.

That rubbish about women expecting you to look like a male model is bull. More often than not, those fellas turn out to be vain eejits.

Please don't look at losing your virginity as the goal. I went to a college of 400+ girls and approx 50 boys in my year. The virgin desperation from some of the boys was such a turn-off and they were blatantly only talking to you in the hopes you'd put out. Not a good look!

Honestly, losing your virginity is awkward enough. Being with someone who you are comfortable with/cares about you makes it all so much better.

OhDearyMe

garrixfan wrote: »

Sorry Lady but times have changed...average girls are expecting colton haynes male.model lookalikes and are getting them due to the current.imbalance.that exists.in the dating.game between men and women. A girl breaks up with a guy she has a 100 potential suitors right around the corner...a guy breaks up and it is a forseeable future of lonely nights

Ah ye gotta love the arrogance of youth - believing physical attraction and flirting started with their generation. If you think only the tiny handful of guys who looks like Colton Haynes (no idea who that is, tbh) get ALL the women, you're very wrong and all you have to do is to leave your house to realise that.

There was a psychological study that proved that both men and women are inclined to see women over men as one homogeneous, hive mind group, which, of course, is obviously rubbish. Women's tastes in men, conversation, interests vary just as much as your gang of male friends. Get that mental block about scary women out of your head. Talk to us like you'd talk to anyone. Advice along the lines of keeping the conversation "light" and humouous applies to anyone - did you make male friends by talking about serial killers? Obviously you put your best foot forward when you want to make a good impression on ANYONE, male or female.

Good luck, OP. Relax.

ivytwine

I googled Colton Haynes because I had to, and yes, he's ridiculously good looking. Don't think he'd want a short, pasty Irish girl but I'll get over it in time.

If we must talk celebrities, take a look at someone like Chris Pratt. I'll grant you, he's built, but he wasn't always. He's actually quite ordinary looking, but he's funny, and seems like a good person, and that goes along way with most women. Or Benedict Cumberbatch! Not conventionally handsome by any means but there are millions of women who'd sleep with him.

Anyway, I've a lot of sympathy for you OP. It's the best part of a decade since I started college (!) but I remember how strange everything is in the first semester. I'd come from a girls school and I don't have brothers, so any exposure to guys my own age was really limited. I wasn't cool enough to hang around the boys much as a teen either. I used to go red when I talked to a guy!

It will get better though, and my advice to you is to push through and just talk to girls as classmates, friends etc.

Regarding your virginity, please don't see it as a burden to get rid of... I guarantee you there are more virgins in your course than you think. It will happen, and the more relaxed you are towards the whole thing it's more likely to happen.

I felt it was something to get rid of, and I lost it to a guy I couldn't have cared less about. Later I got into a relationship and it would have been a lot nicer to lose it to that person as I really cared for him.

santana75

The thing is OP if you stop and pay attention when youre talking to women, you'll notice that they're actually really nervous too. So its an even playing field. Relax and remember that.

LegacyUser

I suspect the OP isn't really asking how to have a conversation with a girl about the current state of affairs in Syria.

I suspect he's asking how to go from Hiya --> TEH SHIFT.

Look OP I know clubs arent your scene, but at 19 and at college they're everyone elses scene.

And bloody handy they are too. They're loud, so not much conversation is needed, and given the setting if a guy is engaging you in conversation repeatedly throughout the night you know he's up for a shift. So you either a) smile at him and laugh at his weak jokes cos you quite fancy him, or b) don't fancy him and get lost in the crowds and hope he doesn't track you down like a sniffer dog.

So go to a club, chat to someone, if they keep staying beside you and are twinkling at you under their false lashes, say "I really want to kiss you right now". If you're rewarded with giggles, then slap the gob on.

Never ever expect a shag. Kiss of death. Start on shifting - get a fair bit of experience of that under your belt and then think about losing your virginity.

And always be nice. Always be a stand up dude. Always be sound. If you want to catch someones eye, do it with a sweet smile - being stared at by someone without them smiling is creepy, take it from me.

If you want to give a compliment, say "You look really pretty tonight". I've never known a girl who wasn't a sucker for the P word. Whereas stuff like so hot, reaaaalllllly gorgeous etc can come across as Captain Horny McSweatyPants if you're not completely poker faced.

By far the most successful guys romantically thougn are the ones that come across like they talk the same whether its to a woman or a man - with good humour, lively interest, and respect.

undesceaux

garrixfan wrote: »

Sorry Lady but times have changed...average girls are expecting colton haynes male.model lookalikes and are getting them due to the current.imbalance.that exists.in the dating.game between men and women. A girl breaks up with a guy she has a 100 potential suitors right around the corner...a guy breaks up and it is a forseeable future of lonely nights

I generally would agree. I think there is a difference between attractive young women today and attractive young women of 10+ years ago. Attractive girls these days will have facebook/instagram/tinder accounts and on those accounts they'll already have some attractive, good looking guys chatting them up. It's a world of abundance that attractive women of years past never had. I'm talking about attractive women under the age of 22/23 here, which is the OPs target age range. No doubt it's much more difficult to get a look in with these girls as a result of the abundance of options they have from social media outlets. I think most of the posters on this thread are quite a bit older than the OP? I would say that what I'm talking about doesn't apply to them then and I'd agree with them in their posts. I don't think what they are saying will apply to that age demographic im talking about though. The only girls in that age range that I think what I'm saying wouldn't apply to would be the girls that aren't necessarily "lookers" and I think it would still apply but to a much lesser degree.

As for advice to the OP, I'd say that the usual advice applies. You have to put yourself in social situations and put yourself out there. The more girls you meet the better. Join clubs etc. I agree with those ideas.

Definitely disagree that looks don't matter. I think they are now the primary factor. (Again within the age range and attractiveness I'm talking about). OP you will have to focus on two things I think - maximising your looks as much as possible (sadly there is a ceiling on us all) and becoming more social. You'll do very very well to pull a girl better looking than you but you'll probably be able to get one on the same looks level or below. You can still have great experiences and connections with less attractive women.

Best of luck.

garrixfan

undesceaux wrote: »

I generally would agree....

The Most legit post in the history of boards.ie

Shrap

undesceaux wrote: »

I would say that what I'm talking about doesn't apply to them then and I'd agree with them in their posts. I don't think what they are saying will apply to that age demographic im talking about though. The only girls in that age range that I think what I'm saying wouldn't apply to would be the girls that aren't necessarily "lookers" and I think it would still apply but to a much lesser degree.

Interesting. I take your point to a certain extent, in that chatting up seems to have moved online for some people but the actual act of "swiping" through people's faces rejecting most on looks immediately, to me is indicative of an extremely shallow personality (but maybe that's because I'm so *ahem* mature...;) )

So, what has changed (as you mention yourself above) for people of average looks and/OR (shock/horror) the character to think that tinder etc. is an insult to their intelligence? Nothing. As you rightly mention, the original and still the best way to get to know people is still available to all.

If I was 19 again and felt that I was under pressure to be making a splash on facebook/tinder/instagram etc., I think that would have added so much damage to my already poor self-esteem. I do feel very sorry for this generation of online addicts as it is becoming very much a "them and us" world - those who are a hit online, and those who haven't a notion of it.

I suppose the only advice I have if these online popularity stakes are adding to the OPs problem with meeting girls, is that he can at least rule out anyone who spends their lives comparing themselves to everyone else online. That person is having their own problems, and like with the tinder looks swipe, consider the online addicts "swiped".

dudara

@garrixfan - I have snipped your post. Please do not quite large blocks of text as it's hard for mobile readers to view. Also, please use the Thanks button to indicate your agreement, rather than posting. Posts in PI are supposed to add to the discussion.

dudara

OhDearyMe

undesceaux wrote: »

I generally would agree. I think there is a difference between attractive young women today and attractive young women of 10+ years ago.

Didn't you read his original post? Average looking girls expecting Coltan Haynes lookalikes (I finally Googled him!). Basically no average man has a chance, not even with an average looking girl. That's complete garbage. Irish men are Irish men - the proportion of men that look like a male models is and always will be, tiny and that applies to every country in the world. As you said yourself, there's only so much most people can do looks-wise - you're not going to turn yourself into a male model in the gym, let's be honest here. If what Garrixfan says is true, only a tiny handful of men have the pick of ALL the women. Yes, I am in my 30s but I also have eyes in my head - young couples are as varied now as they were in my day - it's not just the extremely hot hooking up.

Not to say that young people aren't more image-conscious than young people were in my day but telling someone that unless they look like a male model, they won't get a look in, not even with the plainest of women, is hardly helpful and blatantly false. Sure why would you even bother trying after getting advice like that? Yes, make the most of your appearance (that's good advice for any age) but unless humankind has gone through an incredibly dramatic evolution in the last 10 years (impossible), personality is still incredibly important and can make up for all kinds of physical flaws.

discus

Great post ODM. If only there was some sort of system that OP could utilise to give himself some confidence to talk to women, without putting them on a pedestal