Tinder guy

Lamp69

I met on guy on tinder recently and we have been chatting about 2 months but only met up recently and have met twice. The guy works shifts and is usually busy but I'm wondering how often should he be texting me? He said he likes me a lot and I have all the qualities he usually goes for and when he couldnt meet me last week he said don't worry we will have plenty of meetups in future!!

I'm not the most self confident person and I don't have many hobbies so usually end up obsessing about the guy which is what I seem to be doing now again!!! Any advise?

Asking how often he should text you kind of smells of neediness, to be honest. There's no set amount. Some would say constantly, others a few times a day, a few times a week. Everyone is different. Do you text him often?

I would start looking into picking up hobbies and distracting yourself, instead of obsessing about this guy and how much he contacts you, because you could ultimately put him off.

Lamp69

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Asking how often he should text you kind of smells of neediness, to be honest. There's no set amount. Some would say constantly, others a few times a day, a few times a week. Everyone is different. Do you text him often?

I would start looking into picking up hobbies and distracting yourself, instead of obsessing about this guy and how much he contacts you, because you could ultimately put him off.

Totally agree with you. I know myself in the past when a guy text me a lot I was put off him - I thought he was needy!

Not sure how I get out of the cycle of obsessing and pushing the guy away

Keep yourself busy. Take up hobbies, attend classes, look into the likes of meetup.com. Join a gym!

Lamp69

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Keep yourself busy. Take up hobbies, attend classes, look into the likes of meetup.com. Join a gym!

Il try but when the guy doesn't text me every day doubts start creeping in and that's when the obsessive thoughts start! Il try forget about it - thanks

LegacyUser

Lamp69 wrote: »

in the past when a guy text me a lot I was put off him - I thought he was needy!

Lamp69 wrote: »

when the guy doesn't text me every day doubts start creeping in

Jaysis, there's really no winning that one, is there? I don't think working on your approach to dating is the answer here, you're a bit away from that yet. I think you really need to work on yourself by getting busy, making a life, developing some self-confidence and eventually coming out with a better approach to relationships from a better position as a person, 'cos where you are now is a recipe for the above to keep happening and wrecking your head while you waste opportunities.

njs030

Usually things build over time, it would be a bit off putting if someone you hardly knew was constantly texting you...but it's also off putting if you feel they can't be bothered to keep in touch!

Some couples are happy with very little contact between dates while others like to keep in touch more, if you want to talk to him more often pick up the phone!
Do take into account what type of shiftwork he does. If he's working while you're relaxing and sleeping while you're up and about it's hard to keep in touch a lot!

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

Usually things build over time, it would be a bit off putting if someone you hardly knew was constantly texting you...but it's also off putting if you feel they can't be bothered to keep in touch!

Some couples are happy with very little contact between dates while others like to keep in touch more, if you want to talk to him more often pick up the phone!
Do take into account what type of shiftwork he does. If he's working while you're relaxing and sleeping while you're up and about it's hard to keep in touch a lot!

He did say after our last date he'd be tired the next few days as he was working nights!! But then he's always on whatsapp and Facebook - not talking to me so not sure who he's chatting to all the time!! We got on great on the dates and he even invited me to something next year ( jokingly) and I was at his parents house - they weren't there lol!! Seems very odd after all that for him to be gone off me but maybe it's the shift work

njs030

Lamp69 wrote: »

He did say after our last date he'd be tired the next few days as he was working nights!! But then he's always on whatsapp and Facebook - not talking to me so not sure who he's chatting to all the time!! We got on great on the dates and he even invited me to something next year ( jokingly) and I was at his parents house - they weren't there lol!! Seems very odd after all that for him to be gone off me but maybe it's the shift work

Op if you don't mind me saying so you're overthinking and overinvested in someone you've been on 2 dates with. Why are you checking when he's been on whatsapp or Facebook?


Please stop focusing on things he says, it's just words and the important thing is building a relationship and seeing are you right for each other.

Meauldsegosha

Lamp69 wrote: »

He did say after our last date he'd be tired the next few days as he was working nights!! But then he's always on whatsapp and Facebook - not talking to me so not sure who he's chatting to all the time!! We got on great on the dates and he even invited me to something next year ( jokingly) and I was at his parents house - they weren't there lol!! Seems very odd after all that for him to be gone off me but maybe it's the shift work

OP, my partner works shift work and working nights can really mess with you. When we were first dating and he was working nights I might not hear from him for three or four days. If I had let that bother me, we wouldn't be together now.

Maybe he is just checking messages on What's app or FB not actually replying to them. You are at the early stages of dating this guy, I would give him the benefit of doubt at this stage.

Lamp69

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP, my partner works shift work and working nights can really mess with you. When we were first dating and he was working nights I might not hear from him for three or four days. If I had let that bother me, we wouldn't be together now.

Maybe he is just checking messages on What's app or FB not actually replying to them. You are at the early stages of dating this guy, I would give him the benefit of doubt at this stage.

Thanks - he's only started the shift work too and it's a hard job so I assume he's all over the place. Plus doesn't help if I'm insecure/needy!!

njs030

Lamp69 wrote: »

Thanks - he's only started the shift work too and it's a hard job so I assume he's all over the place. Plus doesn't help if I'm insecure/needy!!

My partner also works shifts and it is unbelievable hard, it takes him a couple of days to get over it which at first I was a bit skeptical about.

If he's just started a new job it's tough and adding shift work makes it much harder, depending on the type of job (I.e shifts changing over a course of days vs one week days, one nights etc) it can be really hard to adjust to!

Edited to add that like you I'm quite insecure and found it hard but I went by the old saying 'fake it till you make it' I quite like the quiet nights to myself now!!

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

My partner also works shifts and it is unbelievable hard, it takes him a couple of days to get over it which at first I was a bit skeptical about.

If he's just started a new job it's tough and adding shift work makes it much harder, depending on the type of job (I.e shifts changing over a course of days vs one week days, one nights etc) it can be really hard to adjust to!

Edited to add that like you I'm quite insecure and found it hard but I went by the old saying 'fake it till you make it' I quite like the quiet nights to myself now

It's hard when I've people telling me he should be texting me everyday!!!

njs030

Op I'd suggest you edit that as it's pretty obvious what he works as, there'd only x number recently started too remember!


If he's just started it's going to be hard to settle in, plus events this week have probably shocked him and affected him.

As I said before you've only been on 2 dates....relax a bit. Be aware relationships with people in that industry are very very hard, it might seem all lovely and exciting but it's not and you should get used to lack of contact and cancellations!!

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op I'd suggest you edit that as it's pretty obvious what he works as, there'd only x number recently started too remember!


If he's just started it's going to be hard to settle in, plus events this week have probably shocked him and affected him.

As I said before you've only been on 2 dates....relax a bit. Be aware relationships with people in that industry are very very hard, it might seem all lovely and exciting but it's not and you should get used to lack of contact and cancellations!!

Edited - thanks for that - I didn't think. My ex worked these shifts too and I know all about cancellations etc. I think it's just me and my insecurity!

njs030

Lamp69 wrote: »

Edited - thanks for that - I didn't think. My ex worked these shifts too and I know all about cancellations etc. I think it's just me and my insecurity!

I know the feeling! Sometimes gut instinct tells you the right answer though.
If your ex works in that industry you probably have a fair idea of how the time off works. Are you seeing each other on his days off each week?
I'd be more worried if he's not making time for you then rather than how often he contacts you.

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

I know the feeling! Sometimes gut instinct tells you the right answer though.
If your ex works in that industry you probably have a fair idea of how the time off works. Are you seeing each other on his days off each week?
I'd be more worried if he's not making time for you then rather than how often he contacts you.

I only know him about 2 months from tinder and we met up twice as we chatted for about a month first then met up 2 weeks between. I don't even know him long enough yet to develop a pattern so I'm way ahead of myself. He did say when he works the night shift or early one he's tired. Maybe Im over reacting - I've no idea but you'd think he could at least send a text! Although on his fb page he doesn't answer some posts from other people either so maybe that's just the way he is

njs030

Lamp69 wrote: »

I only know him about 2 months from tinder and we met up twice as we chatted for about a month first then met up 2 weeks between. I don't even know him long enough yet to develop a pattern so I'm way ahead of myself. He did say when he works the night shift or early one he's tired. Maybe Im over reacting - I've no idea but you'd think he could at least send a text! Although on his fb page he doesn't answer some posts from other people either so maybe that's just the way he is

You are a bit ahead of yourself. Try not to compare yourself to his Facebook friends or his time on whatsapp. He has a relationship with them which he doesn't have with you and you're jumping ahead expecting to be treated the same way. I know it's hard but just get on with your life for now and see him as a small part of it.

I can't see anyone being too tired to text for days to be honest so I would say he's less invested than you are at this stage....or maybe he's not a big texter. You could always take the initiative and get in touch

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

You are a bit ahead of yourself. Try not to compare yourself to his Facebook friends or his time on whatsapp. He has a relationship with them which he doesn't have with you and you're jumping ahead expecting to be treated the same way. I know it's hard but just get on with your life for now and see him as a small part of it.

I can't see anyone being too tired to text for days to be honest so I would say he's less invested than you are at this stage....or maybe he's not a big texter. You could always take the initiative and get in touch

That actually does make sense that I'm expecting him to treat me the same way as his other friends and I barely know him - of course he would know them better and so contact them more. Your totally right - I need to have him as a small bit in my life for now ☺️

power pants

Never mention to him about the facebook and whatsapp checking you do. Ive had that said to me before in the past by women I have just met and immediately its over from my point of view. Nothing worse dreading going on whatsapp or facebook knowing someone is spying on you and getting upset if you dont feel like chatting to them

Penny Tration

Firstly, I agree with all of the advice in this thread. Op, you're being way too intense, but you seem to have recognised this now which is very good

However, I dunno. The guy doesn't sound very interested to me. Two months before meeting up, then two weeks before meeting again, seemingly with sporadic texts. Doesn't sound like the actions of someone who's interested to me.

Lamp69

power pants wrote: »

Never mention to him about the facebook and whatsapp checking you do. Ive had that said to me before in the past by women I have just met and immediately its over from my point of view. Nothing worse dreading going on whatsapp or facebook knowing someone is spying on you and getting upset if you dont feel like chatting to them

Agreed! I dont want him to know I'm stalking him haha!!! Joke by the way

Lamp69

Penny Tration wrote: »

Firstly, I agree with all of the advice in this thread. Op, you're being way too intense, but you seem to have recognised this now which is very good

However, I dunno. The guy doesn't sound very interested to me. Two months before meeting up, then two weeks before meeting again, seemingly with sporadic texts. Doesn't sound like the actions of someone who's interested to me.

Ya I dont know to be honost. He's said he's smitten with me and has talked about stuff in the future ( future dates ) but we aren't in touch that much makes me think he's not interested. I honostly don't know and I think I'm expecting too much from him after 2 dates

Penny Tration

When did you last see him? And have ye arranged to meet again, or is it all 'oh we'll do x, y and z in the future' talk?

Lamp69

Penny Tration wrote: »

When did you last see him? And have ye arranged to meet again, or is it all 'oh we'll do x, y and z in the future' talk?

I last saw him the weekend before the one just gone and there's no definite dates - just x y and z. To be honost no guy I've ever known in the past though has been definite about setting up dates a week in advance, it's usually a day before. Do guys really think that far ahead??

Penny Tration

Lamp69 wrote: »

I last saw him the weekend before the one just gone and there's no definite dates - just x y and z

So two months to meet, two weeks to meet again, over a week without even arranging a day to meet and sporadic texts?

I wouldn't bother tbh. This is the getting to know the person stage. How can you get to know him when you're barely seeing or speaking to him?

Lamp69

Penny Tration wrote: »

So two months to meet, two weeks to meet again, over a week without even arranging a day to meet and sporadic texts?

I wouldn't bother tbh. This is the getting to know the person stage. How can you get to know him when you're barely seeing or speaking to him?

.

Darn so he's not interested 😞 I've never ever met a guy in the past though that texts a lot and arranges in advance etc - they always act cool!

njs030

How come you're not meeting on his days off op? He has days off every week so I can't understand why you're not seeing him...I asked you this earlier and just realised you didn't respond.

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

How come you're not meeting on his days off op? He has days off every week so I can't understand why you're not seeing him...I asked you this earlier and just realised you didn't respond.

We chatted for about 6 - 8 weeks ( I think can't even remember ) we then met up on his first days off. We then went 2 weeks and met again ( the weekend in between i was away ) Then the next time on his days off he had a party to go to and I was away for the rest of it. And that was the weekend before last.

njs030

So are you meeting this week? Is there a distance issue or a reason you can only meet at weekends?

I ask because I find it puzzling your issue is the lack of texting rather than lack of seeing him.

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

So are you meeting this week? Is there a distance issue or a reason you can only meet at weekends?

I ask because I find it puzzling your issue is the lack of texting rather than lack of seeing him.

I honostly don't know when we are meeting again. There's no distance thing. I've just chatted to a friend and they put things into perspective. So it's cool. Thanks so much for the advice

Pyr0

Lamp69 wrote: »

Do guys really think that far ahead??

Of course, if they're genuinely interested in you. It sounds like he's not too bothered, sporadic contact is very odd behaviour for someone who is "smitten" with you. My advice would be to distance yourself from him and not put all your eggs in one basket with this guy.

Lamp69

Pyr0 wrote: »

Of course, if they're genuinely interested in you. It sounds like he's not too bothered, sporadic contact is very odd behaviour for someone who is "smitten" with you. My advice would be to distance yourself from him and not put all your eggs in one basket with this guy.

Done. Going on another date tonight

Although to note when we first started messaging I didn't bother replying for 2 weeks after a few messages as I was kind of seeing someone else - so after 2 weeks he sent another message and we started talking again - so that includes why it was 2 months before we met up.