did i miss an opportunity?

silverbolt

So ive been out of the dating game for a couple of years now and not only that when it comes to the fairer sex, she needs to be giving me a private lap dance before i get the hint.

Bit of backstory, I do like this girl and got the feeling there was a spark. I asked her out a couple of years ago for coffee, she said no as she had just got out of a relationship and wasnt looking for anything. So i left that there and nothing came of it since.

So anyway id organised the cinema tonight and i will stress it wasnt intended for just myself and her but for a group. Basically i was going to the cinema and wanted to see who wanted to come.

She was the only one who committed and the only one who actually showed up. Now normally if it was me and some mates going the cinema I wouldnt exactly make an effort clothes wise but this time I fussed over my clothes and hair, aftershave etc etc and yes cos i knew she was coming. When she arrived she looked lovely and had clearly made an effort as well. So its just the two of us, we had a good chat, she had some of my popcorn and all went well.

Cue end of movie were leaving the cinema and she made a comment about how busy the pubs probably are over the rugby. I asked her what she was doing for rest of the evening and she replied that she was just going home and chilling. So we got into our cars and left. I popped her a quick message saying had a nice evening, hope we can do it again. She agreed to that. But in saying that we do have similar taste in movies.

Sorry for long post – but just wondering did i miss an opportunity to continue the night?

Urgh this dating crap is supposed to get easier as you get older

FortySeven

Maybe missed a chance. Maybe created one for later. Make an effort to ask her out again. This time with a plan.

desbrook

The old showbiz addage comes to mind - always leave them wanting more. It's corny but sometimes useful for guys on early dates.
Best now to ask her out in the next few days - for a meal probably. If you don't ask the answer will always be no

Roselm

The clue would probably have been in her body language/facial expression and intonation.
Like if she said she was "Just going home and chilling" and then maintained eye contact and smiled and kept her facial expression/ body language open she might have been asking you back to hers.
If her intonation at the end of the sentence implied that that was actually all she was doing (ie nothing too exciting) then she was just saying that's what she was going to do.

Idle Passerby

I dont think you missed an opportunity at all, more that you may have spotted a possible opportunity on the horizon.

If youve been platonic friends with this girl for years I doubt she would want or expect you to lunge on her the first time the two of you have found yourselves alone in each others company.

It sounds like she may be open to dating you, so ask her out again, and let her know its not a group thing this time.

CaraMay

I don't think her feelings have changed op. She made it clear she didn't want to go to a pub with you after the cinema. If she wanted to extend the evening she could have. She's a friend and that's all.

baby and crumble

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think her feelings have changed op. She made it clear she didn't want to go to a pub with you after the cinema. If she wanted to extend the evening she could have. She's a friend and that's all.

I don't think that's it. I think she gave him an opening, he didn't take it but that doesn't mean she blanked him, at all.

OP, I'd say she likes you, enough to have made an effort when she knew she was seeing you. I'd say ask her out, to dinner this time.

lyinghere

Be patient with this one. I wouldn't ask her out again because you've already done that and you don't want to spoil things if the feelings are not there for her . I'd wait and see if a similar situation arises and then take the opportunity. Part of the fun is wondering is the other person in to this so don't play your cards just yet I think . Let her show one or two of hers first.

CaraMay

baby and crumble wrote: »

I don't think that's it. I think she gave him an opening, he didn't take it but that doesn't mean she blanked him, at all
.

What opening?

baby and crumble

CaraMay wrote: »

What opening?

"Cue end of movie were leaving the cinema and she made a comment about how busy the pubs probably are over the rugby. I asked her what she was doing for rest of the evening and she replied that she was just going home and chilling."

Why mention the pub if she didn't at least half fancy going for a drink with him?

CaraMay

She said they were too busy to go to (in case he had any ideas) and didn't suggest an alternative. I hope you are right and im wrong btw

baby and crumble

CaraMay wrote: »

She said they were too busy to go to (in case he had any ideas) and didn't suggest an alternative. I hope you are right and im wrong btw

I guess it's all about perspective!

silverbolt

CaraMay wrote: »

She said they were too busy to go to (in case he had any ideas) and didn't suggest an alternative. I hope you are right and im wrong btw

baby and crumble wrote: »

"Cue end of movie were leaving the cinema and she made a comment about how busy the pubs probably are over the rugby. I asked her what she was doing for rest of the evening and she replied that she was just going home and chilling."

Why mention the pub if she didn't at least half fancy going for a drink with him?

And ive thought of on both of these ways. What she said could be taken either way.

Urgh at 34 years of age, youd swear by now this would be easier.

lyinghere wrote: »

Be patient with this one. I wouldn't ask her out again because you've already done that and you don't want to spoil things if the feelings are not there for her . I'd wait and see if a similar situation arises and then take the opportunity. Part of the fun is wondering is the other person in to this so don't play your cards just yet I think . Let her show one or two of hers first.

I do like this idea. I dont want to suddenly come over as too cloying/eager after one cinema visit. There is a film that we both said we want to see out in the next three weeks or so, so ill mention it then and after the movie suggest a drink. See where it goes. I dont want to dive right into it. But on the flip side i didnt technically ask her out, she just happened to be the only one who came when i asked a group of people out. But i am still going to wait. She cant have forgotten that i did ask her out on a date even if that was over two years ago now.

baby and crumble

silverbolt wrote: »

Urgh at 34 years of age, youd swear by now this would be easier.

Spoiler: it so doesn't get easier. :P

If I were you, I'd slightly take the bull by the horns and buy two tickets for that film, and say "I bought two tickets for us to go and see that film we were talking about." It's good to go for it every now and again. Go big or go home I say.

eviltimeban

Or you could drive her to the cinema (provided you don't live too far away). You mentioned you both got into your cars. Use the line "it's silly for us to take two cars, let me pick you up". Then it becomes like a date. Sure, you can't go for a drink after, but when you drop her to her place you might get an invite, or even a sneaky kiss if it was going that way.

lyinghere

silverbolt wrote: »

And ive thought of on both of these ways. What she said could be taken either way.

Urgh at 34 years of age, youd swear by now this would be easier.



I do like this idea. I dont want to suddenly come over as too cloying/eager after one cinema visit. There is a film that we both said we want to see out in the next three weeks or so, so ill mention it then and after the movie suggest a drink. See where it goes. I dont want to dive right into it. But on the flip side i didnt technically ask her out, she just happened to be the only one who came when i asked a group of people out. But i am still going to wait. She cant have forgotten that i did ask her out on a date even if that was over two years ago now.

Exactly. I think your own plan sounds great. Play it by ear, see if she's still interested in seeing that movie, gauge her interest on the night . No need to play all your cards just yet.

desbrook

silverbolt wrote: »

And ive thought of on both of these ways. What she said could be taken either way.

Urgh at 34 years of age, youd swear by now this would be easier.



I do like this idea. I dont want to suddenly come over as too cloying/eager after one cinema visit. There is a film that we both said we want to see out in the next three weeks or so, so ill mention it then and after the movie suggest a drink. See where it goes. I dont want to dive right into it. But on the flip side i didnt technically ask her out, she just happened to be the only one who came when i asked a group of people out. But i am still going to wait. She cant have forgotten that i did ask her out on a date even if that was over two years ago now.

Look - if she's interested she's interested if she's not she's not. Forget caution. Caution is the reason you started this thread. Instead of fond memories you are thinking of what might of been and wondering what the story was.

Text her telling her again what a great time you had and wondering if she's free for dinner towards the weekend. Pick a decent restraunt with a broad menu and pay. Easy .

Edit - cinema again isn't the best idea even with drinks afterwards imho. Dinner much better allowing conversation plus it makes your intentions clearer.

mfceiling

No opportunity missed. Next Sunday Ireland play Argentina at the RWC. Text on wed or thurs..."hey, are you about on Sunday...i'm heading to xxx to watch the match...fancy tagging along?"

No pressure there...you're not committing to much but you're opening the door again.

desbrook

mfceiling wrote: »

No opportunity missed. Next Sunday Ireland play Argentina at the RWC. Text on wed or thurs..."hey, are you about on Sunday...i'm heading to xxx to watch the match...fancy tagging along?"

No pressure there...you're not committing to much but you're opening the door again.

"Tagging along ?" - Wow .... such romance !

mfceiling

desbrook wrote: »

"Tagging along ?" - Wow .... such romance !

He said he doesn't want to come across clingy after one trip to the cinema. Casual text with casual language (no pressure on either party).

Sound Bite

Op, if she's interested she'll say yes, no matter what approach you take & if she's not she'll turn down the date no matter what.

It's that simple.

I'm single in my 30s too so know how difficult trying to find someone that you click & you don't want to mess things up but what's the worst that can happen? If she says no, you are no worse off than you are now!

Best of luck..

Rekop dog

silverbolt wrote: »

There is a film that we both said we want to see out in the next three weeks or so, so ill mention it then and after the movie suggest a drink..

Do not do another cinema date, one of the worst places you could possibly go to try get to know/impress her.

Just give her a call(don't text) and ask her out for a drink, that simple really, you'll know very quick whether she's interested or not by her reply.

njs030

mfceiling wrote: »

No opportunity missed. Next Sunday Ireland play Argentina at the RWC. Text on wed or thurs..."hey, are you about on Sunday...i'm heading to xxx to watch the match...fancy tagging along?"

No pressure there...you're not committing to much but you're opening the door again.

Or she has no interest in rugby and says no for that reason leaving the op thinking she's not interested!

Op your plan for a film you both like is a great idea. There's no need to rush it, take your time and hopefully it will build into something.

silverbolt

mfceiling wrote: »

He said he doesn't want to come across clingy after one trip to the cinema. Casual text with casual language (no pressure on either party).

desbrook wrote: »

"Tagging along ?" - Wow .... such romance !

Pretty much what mfceiling said, maybe its nerves but my gut says if i come across too strong it wouldnt be the right approach for this woman, so something casual i do feel would be better than a straight out asking for a date that quick.

Sound Bite wrote: »

I'm single in my 30s too so know how difficult trying to find someone that you click & you don't want to mess things up but what's the worst that can happen? If she says no, you are no worse off than you are now!

Best of luck..

This is true, and advice ive given before. I definitely intend to get some sort of romantic date going on (and then ill know one way or another), but something tells me in this instance a slow jog is better than a fast sprint if you get me.

notjustsweet wrote: »

Or she has no interest in rugby and says no for that reason leaving the op thinking she's not interested!

Op your plan for a film you both like is a great idea. There's no need to rush it, take your time and hopefully it will build into something.

Agreed, ive rushed in before and got my nose emotionally broken for my trouble lol.

desbrook

silverbolt wrote: »

Agreed, ive rushed in before and got my nose emotionally broken for my trouble lol.

Mate,she fancies you or doesn't by this stage. You aren't someone she's only just met. The only thing that will break your emotional nose is all this wondering and planning IF she says no. The sooner you man up and ask her out the less emotional damage.

dixiefly

desbrook wrote: »

Mate,she fancies you or doesn't by this stage. You aren't someone she's only just met. The only thing that will break your emotional nose is all this wondering and planning IF she says no. The sooner you man up and ask her out the less emotional damage.

I agree with this.

Doing the cinema again is a bit meh, boring. Either do it properly or dont do it at all. text her that you enjoyed the cinema and ask her if she would like to go out for a "bite" at the weekend.

Then arrange for a tapas or similar low key but a bt classy restaurant. Take it from there. If she refuses then to are wasting your time anyway.

Sound Bite

It's up to you but if she's going to say no now, there's nothing that will make her say yes in a few weeks!

I got the nicest message recent asking me on a date. it was lovely and very genuine but I still don't fancy the guy, never will no matter how lovely his messages are!

lyinghere

dixiefly wrote: »

I agree with this.

Doing the cinema again is a bit meh, boring. Either do it properly or dont do it at all. text her that you enjoyed the cinema and ask her if she would like to go out for a "bite" at the weekend.

If successful then arrange for a tapas or similar low key but a bt classy restaurant. Take it from there. If she refuses then to are wasting your time anyway.

You're forgetting that they both said they'd like to see some film coming out soon. It's not as though he was suggesting this as a date.

I get what everyone means about the big gesture and do it properly or not at all. But he has already tried that and she said no. What's wrong with a bit of patience on this one. Maybe she will want to do that cinema thing again. If she's keen she will probably be open to going for the drinks after, maybe something will happen. If she's not keen it will probably be clear enough, she would probably ensure not to be alone drinking with just you as she will not have forgotten you asked her out.

Then OP can wine and dine her in the classiest of restaurants , take her on the most exciting of dates which I'm sure he would because he sounds like a nice guy! But for now they're just mates and she has said no previously. I don't see any reason for him to rush in.

Don't forget some people like the chase and if he makes it explicitly clear he's still in to her, any interest might vanish. Not saying it's right, but it is common.

kylith

The good thing in your situation OP is that she's not a stranger you saw in a club, you know her and see her regularly. Drop her a line and say that you really enjoyed your cinema trip with just the two of you and would she be interested in going out again, just the two of you.

seenitall

Hi OP,

if I were you, I would steer well clear of doing anything too explicit in this situation (such as asking for a date, taking her for dinner, verbalising your interest in any way, or doing anything that may be construed as "chasing" at all!) because I agree with some others, this type of situation, where you actually have history of being rebuffed by someone, should be handled in a much more self-sufficient (for want of a better word) and off-hand manner.

You have been rejected (in a nice way) before, and as things stand, there is nothing in particular in your posts, IMO, that would indicate that she now feels differently to how she did then (to answer the question in the OP title).

So I would follow what your own gut is telling you here, and play it cool, all the way. Take it slow, don't be eager, just go with the flow. As another poster said, if she has any interest, let her show her cards first, for a nice change in your dynamics, for once. If nothing comes out of it, I honestly don't think, in this kind of a situation where there is previous history of rejection, anything ever would.

silverbolt

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

if I were you, I would steer well clear of doing anything too explicit in this situation (such as asking for a date, taking her for dinner, verbalising your interest in any way, or doing anything that may be construed as "chasing" at all!) because I agree with some others, this type of situation, where you actually have history of being rebuffed by someone, should be handled in a much more self-sufficient (for want of a better word) and off-hand manner.

You have been rejected (in a nice way) before, and as things stand, there is nothing in particular in your posts, IMO, that would indicate that she now feels differently to how she did then (to answer the question in the OP title).

So I would follow what your own gut is telling you here, and play it cool, all the way. Take it slow, don't be eager, just go with the flow. As another poster said, if she has any interest, let her show her cards first, for a nice change in your dynamics, for once. If nothing comes out of it, I honestly don't think, in this kind of a situation where there is previous history of rejection, anything ever would.

I do think thats what im going to do. When i asked her before she said no with the reason being she had not long got out of a relationship. This of course can be taken two ways.

1. A gentle way of declining and sparing my feelings
2. At face value, shes had just got out of a relationship and didnt want to start something with another person.

I do think that there is an attraction between us (i may be wrong of course) but im going to see how it goes. If nothing comes of it, then nothing comes of it.

But i might as well at least enjoy her company if nothing else.

desbrook

Just admit it OP - you are more afraid of rejection than missing an opportunity. Fine - but as someone who is a little older than you and found themselves back on the dating game at forty let me give you one observation. We regret far more the things we DONT do in this life far rather than the things we DO do.

Best of luck.

eviltimeban

Go for it OP - when I was 19 I spent a year of my life pining after a girl and I never asked her out and looking back now I should've just asked her!