Husband Depressed....what do I do

sc2009

Really at my wits end here and don't know where to turn. Basically my husband has been on a downward spiral for a number of years now and has had different battles with drink, drugs & gambling which I believe have all stemmed from his depression. This has all had a devastating affect on our marriage and he has lost control of himself and got himself into a lot of trouble. Thank god the gambling & drug days are behind him (I think) but he still drinks heavily. I feel lately he has sunk more into his depression. He is very detached, has no motivation, drinking more, gets stressed very easily and just seems to lack any focus. He spends so much time looking at his phone on sky sports etc that he doesn't see what he has around him. We have 2 young children (one with special needs) and he is missing out on their childhood. I recently had to ask him to leave our family home as he was spending all day every day in the pub and falling in the door drunk each night and then locking himself in the bedroom. This was having a huge affect on my own health and felt I couldn't cope with it anymore. He has family around and they are no help or support, if anything they make matters worse. My own family are miles away and I literally have no one. I have spent half my life with this man as we have been together since teenagers and love him dearly, but I feel I have lost him. I just feel so much distance between us its heartbreaking. He has recently started college and I am thrilled as I hope it will give him some focus. He has days when he appears to be in great form and seems focused, this is generally midweek but come weekend again he will drink heavy again. When this happens he lets the kids down and doesn't show up when supposed to etc. He makes plans all the time to attend appointments etc and then never goes through with it. Im just really fed up of it all. He has been low before and I managed to talk him into going to the docs and he ended up getting medication for anxiety. But he was drinking whilst taking it and then decided to stop taking altogether as felt he was OK again. I have suggested recently he go back and see doctor but he is adamant nothing is wrong with him. In fact he says its me with the problem:-(. What do I do? I keep giving this man chance after chance. I want to walk away from him but if I do it has to be for good. Everytime I try to move on he pulls at my heartstrings. Has anyone been in a similar situation?? Id love to hear some advise. Thanks in advance

Lisha

Op at some stage you will have to make a choice between your life and his drama. You can't save him, you can't stop him from acting destructively, you can't change him.
You can only control Your own actions and how you react to life.
Would talking to someone from Alanon or GamblersAnonomous help?

sc2009

I know, I don't know what kind of answers Im looking for as I know myself there is nothing I can do. I get so frustrated when he lets us down too. I recently went to a Al-Anon meeting and wasn't able to go to any during summer as kids on summer hols. I know I just need to walk away from this man as he is causing too much destruction Feel very isolated where I am too and its all very difficult

Lisha

Oh Feic it op I really feel for you. I know that you are stuck between a rock and a bloody hard place....
Are you financially independent? Could you mange money wise without his support?
How would your children cope? Have you any possible support for childcare etc?

sc2009

I have no support for childcare whatsoever and am unable to work yet due to my childs needs. I have always worked up till the last year so its difficult, and its not ideal but I'm currently living off savings from the sale of our house. This money wont last long and its literally all I have. I feel I can cope fine but I do need help with kids for appointments and all the activities my other child is involved in. It sounds selfish but we do need him in our lives but he is such a let down at the minute and causes no end of stress

Lisha

Could you get a carers allowance as your child's needs make it impossible for you to work? Also is there any respite options that would take your child occasionally to give you some breathing space?
Would a chat with you gp be any good?
Has your husband any friend ego could talk to him and try and make him see sense?

sc2009

Im trying to get finances in order but everything seems to take so long! Waiting to hear back on a decision. Im also trying to fight for other support, and a constant fight it is. I have a lovely GP but don't know what he could do? My husband puts on a brave face for everyone, he firmly believes he has no issues. There is depression in his family and he actually talks more about them than himself! He is in complete denial. That's my worry. Will he ever realise? Or does he know deep down and refuses to deal with it

Aineoil

sc2009

I really, really feel for you. I have no advice to give just solidarity. Lisha has given very good sound advice. To get any support like

respite for your child in Ireland with special needs is a fight and a battle.

Talk to your GP again and tell him/her everything.

At the moment you are in a very difficult place. I wish I had an answer for you. But you are very brave.

sc2009

Thank you, I don't feel brave! I have an appointment coming up to try and fight for respite, I intend to go in guns blazing as I am tired of being fobbed off. I realise I have to explain my home life also as they are not aware. People are forever saying you have to exaggerate your problems to get help and Im almost afraid to even tell the truth let alone exaggerate it! Keep telling myself I have nothing to be ashamed of, although its just not nice having to reveal your marriage is up in a heap. I might go in and see my GP. I have never discussed with him before, what is he likely to do/say??

Dizzyblonde

OP I really feel for you, and I commend you for being open about your situation and facing it head on. I grew up in a house like yours, but my parents never sorted themselves out. I say both parents, because as long as there's a problem like this it is all-consuming for both parents.

It's really important to have a bottom line, a cutoff point where you say "enough is enough", and you sound as though you're about there now.
Your husband will never face his problems and seek the professional help he needs until he reaches rock bottom, and by having him live with you and the children, feeding him and providing him with a home, you're enabling him to keep doing what he's doing.

It must be very daunting for you right now and you're facing a tough time but believe me, the alternative is far worse and you'll keep going through the same cycles for the rest of your life. You probably do your very best to shield your children, and to make up for his lack, but unfortunately that doesn't work and your children will be damaged if they go on living in this dysfunctional environment. Believe me, they won't thank you for staying when they grow up. They deserve a better life - and so do you.

Have a chat with your GP, and seek help and support anywhere than you can. Best of luck x

zoviea

Hi. Just wondering if you ever got sorted? My husband is suffering with depression but will only take meds 5 nights per week as he wants to have a few beers at the weekend. I worry this is affecting his recovery as I don't see much of a change. I suffer with anxiety disorder and with a young family i am feeling lost
I don't know where to go from here and I'm telling him the reason he's feeling crap is he's not taking meds properly but he's not listening.. I'm so frustrated but I can't let my anxiety act up as my kids need me,, oh what to do?