Wife leaving me...

LegacyUser

I'm 35 and we've been married with my wife for 5 years now. There have been ups and downs, but we usually were able to straighten things up, and move on.

Recently she's been unwell for a couple of days. I couldn't get any answer from her, but eventually I found out why.

She states she hates her life, and she is not happy! Not because of me (not entirely at least), but because of herself, she doesn't feel like a woman and she can forget about being a mother... You see, we've been trying for a baby for a long time to no avail, and she has some sort of "women" problems, which we don't know where they were from. She was at a doctor, but no solution or diagnose came up.

She also says she no longer feels the connection to me, she doesn't have the support in me, etc. She's been wondering if it all still makes sense and if she still loves me. She can't stand her body, can't stand living like this anymore...

She's partially right here, I did fail to support her, and show her the affection. We had a couple of fights over that. Showing feeling is one of the hardest things to do for me, and it's not like I do it to hurt her or something. I am the only child, and that was never taught to me... We rarely talk now, we don't even sleep anymore (I work nights all the time, she works days. During weekends we sleep in separate beds).

Having kids is really important to her. But there always seems to be something in the way. Now she says she doesn't care anymore. She gives in.

She only told me today she'd be going to look for some accomodation over the weekend and move out... I was devastated. She said I would be better off with a different woman, whom I deserve...

I love my wife, I really do, I just fail to show it. Now it's too late, and I only realised how important she is for me. I can't imagine my life without her, I don't want the life without her. When I try to talk, she says she doesn't feel like it. She doesn't want to go to a doctor, she is resigned. And I am broken... I want to get her back, put a smile on her face again, spend time with her, and do things together. She says she doesn't believe I would change, because I had promised it before. I'm at a loss...

Sorry for the chaos, but I can barely gather my own thoughts now...

kunst nugget

It sounds like your wife is suffering badly from depression. You need to try and get help for her as soon as possible. This would need to take priority at the moment imo - nothing can really be sorted with your marriage until she gets help. Check out the Information for Distressed Posters sticky for groups you can contact to get information and help.

blackbird98

I agree with the previous poster, definitely sounds like depression, convince her to see her GP as soon as possible

laserlad2010

Hate to back seat mod here, but we don't do medical diagnoses on PI.

OP, You need to talk to your wife. Whether that happens after a few days apart or now is up to you. Counselling is an option. Lay it all out on the table and see how she feels.

Ultimately if you cannot give your wife the love and support she feels she needs, this marriage is in trouble. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and try to change - for both you and your wife's sake. You may need separate counselling.

Talk to friends as well - get support for yourself and look after your mental health during this time.

Sleepy

TBH OP, it sounds like it'd be a terrible marriage to bring children into at the moment.

She needs professional help and you could probably do with relationship counselling on top of that.

If she's not prepared to try that, there's little you can do tbh.

kunst nugget

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Hate to back seat mod here, but we don't do medical diagnoses on PI.

Wasn't trying to give medical diagnosis. That's why I pointed the OP to the distressed posters sticky to get information and help.

LegacyUser

"She said I would be better off with a different woman, whom I deserve..."

This stood out to me, it gives an insight into what way she's thinking. Most women want a fairytale, relationship, marriage,kids etc it sounds like she thinks she failed you as a wife and as a woman by not being able to give you children.

If you don't want to lose her maybe think of some romantic gesture to show her,as a final attempt to save the marriage?
Then you could look into going to treat what sounds like a depressive episode on her part,together

dudara

Your wife has a lot going on, and having difficulties conceiving is bound to be weighing heavily on her mind. I would definitely urge her to speak to a professional who could help her manage all of this. The best place to start is usually with your GP.

In fact, you might also benefit yourself from speaking to someone. It can be hard to learn how to open up.

The key thing is that you & your wife re-establish communication.

Posters - no more commenting on medical diagnoses please.

Magicmatilda

What really stood out to me is that you refer to her having some sort of "women" problem. This sounds like a phrase from the 70's.

You, as a couple , are trying for children. How can you not know what the actual medical term is for whatever her problem is? You then go on to say that there is no diagnosis, so how do you know she had any "women" problem. I find that confusing. Has your fertility been tested also?

If I was trying for a baby with my partner I would expect him to be fully up to speed with what is happening.

Also you say that you love her but do not express love. I once heard it said that love is an action, not an emotion and I think that is so true. If you are not expressing your love then you do not love her. Now I don't know if you donlt express love at all or if you just don't do it in a way she wants you to.

HAve you suggested counselling? Has she? I would recommend it.

Either way if you want to have an intimate relationship with her or anyone else you will need to learn to express your feelings. It is not good enough to say I wasn't taught how and leave it at that. You can learn now through therapy.

Mick Murdock

If you find it difficult to talk to her (that's an issue you probably should address later) how about you write down your feelings in a letter, similar to what you said in your last paragraph.

Neyite

I have to agree with Matilda. Having had all the battery of tests for fertility, can be daunting and scary and is usually something that a couple face together. They get the tests done on both halves of the couple because its a bit useless for just a woman to put herself through the wide range of sometimes expensive and painful tests when it could just as easily be male factor infertility.

So if you've been uninterested and uninvolved with her fertility investigations I can see where she is feeling you are distant and unsupportive to her during what was probably a very daunting and emotional time for her. It might have made her wonder if she could count on you if she needed to undergo more gruelling fertility procedures like IVF, or even if you would be a support to her during pregnancy and birth and maybe even during the tough newborn stages too.

I think you need to give her space, and work on those bits of you that you feel needs to improve. She probably needs to see actions rather than hear empty words. It sounds like she's been trying to tell you for a long time that she's been unhappy but its only when she's heartbroken and finally giving up is when you want to make an effort. It might be too late, but all you can do is try.

Dellnum

Your wife is very disheartened and feels she is a failure and she is pushing you away and I don't think this is because she doesn't want you but I think it is because she wants you to fight for her so that she feels loved and cherished even if she cannot produce children. She thinks if she cannot produce children that you are not going to be interested in her anymore and so she is threatening to leave the marriage so it appears like she is leaving before she can be rejected by you. What you have to do now is tell her how much she means to you and that she is not just a potential mother of any children you may have together, that she comes first and that you will always love her whether you have children together or not. You were well able to express your feelings n this forum so go to her and say the same thing.

zeffabelli

You love her but.... Two things:

1. It's up to you to manifest that: feelings matter in how hey manifest.

2. It's up to her to be literate enough in the heart to recognise those manifestations.

The fertility struggles make it sound like you took the backseat of indifference and thereby built an intolerable wall of loneliness no human can endure.

I think it's pretty normal to go through feelings of disconnection with a spouse... Don't let her let herself make long term choices in this state of mind. Everyone I suspect goes through periods of wondering if they really live their spouse.... It's usually anxiety and fear driving the conversation in their minds...fear can convince you of anything... Left is right and up is down... Just be mindful of that.

You got a lot of track to make up. Get cracking.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the input, and the advice. I convinced her to go to our GP, and we went together. We talked with the doctor about the problems, etc., she prescribed some medicine and recommended us to visit SIMS Ireland, where the GP is going to send the referral letter too. There's an information event with them this Sunday, which we are going to attend. She doesn't seem to think about moving out anymore I think as we did some shopping, etc. and she never mentioned that. I know it's not sugar and rainbows yet, but at least a start. I'll try to heed the advice posted here and be more of a husband from now on. I know I can't force her to do anything, but if she sees the change, she may be convinced then.

Magicmatilda wrote:

What really stood out to me is that you refer to her having some sort of "women" problem. This sounds like a phrase from the 70's.

Well, I didn't specify. Basically it's often bleeding and spotting, with only a few days of a break, when we can actually have sex. But if we do, she bleeds the next day. She's lost a lot of weight past year (about 12 stone), but developed thyroid issues in the process, which she takes medicine for now. She is also insulin resistant, which makes it even harder. All those things are really hard for her.

We're going to make an appointment with SIMS anyway and see where it goes from there. I am sure this case is not hopeless and she can still have children and be a mother like she dreams to be.

Maurice Greene.

rick180 wrote: »

She's lost a lot of weight past year (about 12 stone)

Wow!,that's a huge amount of weight to lose in just a year and must have been a huge trauma to herself physically and mentally.

I guess she was over 20 stone at her heaviest so losing +half her bodyweight is hard to fathom the full effect.

No wonder she is having mental and physical problems as you describe. I guess she must have been unhappy with herself getting up to that weight in the first place so her mental state may not have been good for a number of years.

It could take a long while for her to get healthy mentally so professional help and patience is whats needed.

I wish you both good luck and good health foremost and then hopefully you will have your baby when all is well.

amdublin

You've both done the right thing by going to your GP and I hope you feel better dater doing so. All I can offer is keep using the professionals - the gp for your wife, sims for the fertility issues, and some marriage counselling/support (ask your GP to give you a name or Google relationship ireland).

That's amazing weight loss on your wife's part. Be sure to tell how well she has done, how great she looks, and what a great thing she's done for her health and hopefully your future family.