The difficult period

Ken Shamrock

Hey guys, myself and the GF broke up yesterday after 7 years. It was a mutual thing, we just weren't right for eachother, not enough In common etc, there was only so far we could go and breaking up was better for both of us In the long run.

It's just the short term that's the problem now, 7 years Is a long time, over a 1/4 of my life in fact. I don't know where to go from here? What's the best way the get over It all? We didn't end on bad terms but do we ignore eachother for awhile? do we stay In touch? etc etc.

I don't know I guess I'm just looking for some advice.

laserlad2010

Sorry to hear about it, OP.

Zero contact. Delete her number, delete her off Facebook, don't ask people how she's doing... Do this for at least a month, maybe more in your case. Dive into your hobbies. Chat to your friends about it a bit, but not too much. Basically distract yourself.

Allow yourself to feel a little bummed now and again - this is natural. Acknowledge these thoughts. Then get out and go for a walk, or hang out with your mates. Bottling stuff up doesn't help.

Give it a while, but then start talking to girls. You don't have to ask for dates, but get comfortable flirting and chatting to the opposite sex.

Been there, done that. Believe me, this is the most effective way forward. Staying friends might be possible after you cut all ties.

P.S. Alcohol might be best avoided for a week or so.

Ken Shamrock

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about it, OP.

Zero contact. Delete her number, delete her off Facebook, don't ask people how she's doing... Do this for at least a month, maybe more in your case. Dive into your hobbies. Chat to your friends about it a bit, but not too much. Basically distract yourself.

Allow yourself to feel a little bummed now and again - this is natural. Acknowledge these thoughts. Then get out and go for a walk, or hang out with your mates. Bottling stuff up doesn't help.

Give it a while, but then start talking to girls. You don't have to ask for dates, but get comfortable flirting and chatting to the opposite sex.

Been there, done that. Believe me, this is the most effective way forward. Staying friends might be possible after you cut all ties.

P.S. Alcohol might be best avoided for a week or so.

I'm not saying you're right or wrong, and I agree with everything you've said and appreciate It, but to me this feels so wrong, to just ignore someone I've spent the past 7 years of my life with feels wrong.

Neon_Lights

Ken Shamrock wrote: »

I'm not saying you're right or wrong, and I agree with everything you've said and appreciate It, but to me this feels so wrong, to just ignore someone I've spent the past 7 years of my life with feels wrong.

You've invested so much time into her, why not invest a little time into yourself. A breakup isn't about finding her its about finding you. Life is short and there's so much out there to be seeing doing and experiencing.

It may be a little tough right now but youve two options in the long run 1. Get bogged down and miserable about the situation, become depressed and heartbroken 2. Realise it for the opportunity it is and grasp it, find new passions, hobbies, explore and have fun

Scarinae

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup Ken - I know how it feels, my eight-year relationship disintegrated in May. Everything must be very raw and painful for you at the moment.

I agree with laserlad2010 that you need to cut contact, to an extent. You're not going to be able to feel better and move on if you're still in constant contact with her. If you can't bring yourself to delete her on facebook, for example, just change your settings so that her updates won't come up on your feed (that's what I did with my ex), she'll never know but it will make it so much easier. Just resist the urge to go and look at her page! Resist the urge to text her too - text a friend instead.

Do things that you want to do. If you want to take a few days to wallow and mope, then do that (but only for a few days)! If you want to binge watch Netflix, then do that! But I'd also suggest reaching out to your friends and family for support - even if you don't feel like talking about the breakup, just being around people will do you the world of good. Try to eat properly as well, if you can - I found eating really difficult because I was so upset. The first few days will be the hardest, but it will get easier.

Ken Shamrock

Scarinae wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup Ken - I know how it feels, my eight-year relationship disintegrated in May. Everything must be very raw and painful for you at the moment.

I agree with laserlad2010 that you need to cut contact, to an extent. You're not going to be able to feel better and move on if you're still in constant contact with her. If you can't bring yourself to delete her on facebook, for example, just change your settings so that her updates won't come up on your feed (that's what I did with my ex), she'll never know but it will make it so much easier. Just resist the urge to go and look at her page! Resist the urge to text her too - text a friend instead.

Do things that you want to do. If you want to take a few days to wallow and mope, then do that (but only for a few days)! If you want to binge watch Netflix, then do that! But I'd also suggest reaching out to your friends and family for support - even if you don't feel like talking about the breakup, just being around people will do you the world of good. Try to eat properly as well, if you can - I found eating really difficult because I was so upset. The first few days will be the hardest, but it will get easier.

Hey Scarinae, thanks. I don't have Facebook fortunately. Don't do snapchat or any of that crap either so I'm ok In that sense. We broke up a few years ago for a short period but I took that break up unbelievably bad, struggled to eat etc but that's not the case this time.

It's only been about 24 hours but I'm not acting out, just going about my day normally, being In work doesn't help but I guess It's better than binge watching Netflix as much as I'd like too. We were texting last night even tho we broke up, we should prob stop this from what people on here have said.

Full Marx

No drink for a few weeks is a big one.

I would advise to cut contact, not easily done but I would just not initiate any contact. If she does be polite but basically fob her off. If she insists on contact and doesn't get the message then you can just mail her or something and just explain you are trying to move on with your life.

Best of luk!

njs030

The problem with keeping in touch is it stops you moving on. She's not your girlfriend anymore, maybe she will eventually be a friend but you both need time to adjust to your new lives.

Texting or keeping in touch in whatever form is just avoiding the inevitable. Eventually one of you will meet someone else and the contact will cease anyway! Just rip off the plaster and get it over with.

laserlad2010

OP,

I know it feels hard - I broke up with my GF of 7 years almost 15 months ago.

Sure, at the start I was sad - but there was a reason we broke up. I held onto that, looked forward and things gradually got easier.

Trust me on this - you can't keep in touch. Not for the first few weeks. As another poster said, it's time to really invest in yourself.

OhDearyMe

Ken, cutting contact is the best thing you can do for your own mental health and to help yourself move on. If you look through people's issues post breakup on here, you'll see that all of them stem in someway from remaining in contact with the ex. That doesn't mean you can't get in touch down the line but for the time being, for a few months at the very least, you need to do it - it's really the only way.


Good luck - I've been there, though not after such a long relationship, admittedly, but I do still think this advice applies. You'll be okay.

pookie82

OhDearyMe wrote: »

Ken, cutting contact is the best thing you can do for your own mental health and to help yourself move on. If you look through people's issues post breakup on here, you'll see that all of them stem in someway from remaining in contact with the ex. That doesn't mean you can't get in touch down the line but for the time being, for a few months at the very least, you need to do it - it's really the only way.


Good luck - I've been there, though not after such a long relationship, admittedly, but I do still think this advice applies. You'll be okay.

Echo this 100%. Maybe you guys can be friends and catch up in 6 months, but not now. Give yourself space from her. Stop the texting. Tell her nicely if you have to that you're going to do a month cold turkey.

When you feel the urge to text her, text a mate instead.

Ken Shamrock

Thanks for the advice guys

tara73

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Sure, at the start I was sad - but there was a reason we broke up. I held onto that, looked forward and things gradually got easier.
.

to remind this is what always helped me if I started dwelling too much. if you feel bad and start dwelling, remind yourself about the reasons why it didn't work. It also helped me to imagine getting back together and then think of all the difficulties which would arise again and I wouldn't dwell anymore on it but understand it didn't fit.

woodchuck

Ken Shamrock wrote: »

Hey guys, myself and the GF broke up yesterday after 7 years. It was a mutual thing, we just weren't right for eachother, not enough In common etc, there was only so far we could go and breaking up was better for both of us In the long run.

It's just the short term that's the problem now, 7 years Is a long time, over a 1/4 of my life in fact. I don't know where to go from here? What's the best way the get over It all? We didn't end on bad terms but do we ignore eachother for awhile? do we stay In touch? etc etc.

I don't know I guess I'm just looking for some advice.

I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. 7 year relationship broke down and had done the maths too; literally a quarter of my life with this one person and the majority of my adult life. The only difference was that things ended very badly, so for me it was very clear that I was not going to keep in touch.

Even if you do want to keep this person in your life, I think it makes a lot of sense to take some time to yourself first. Personally I think it would only be feasible to keep her in your life if you can get to the point where you wouldn't be cut up by seeing her with another person - because that is what will happen for both of you sooner or later.

In the short term I'd advise surrounding yourself by friends and family and get out and about as much as you can. Although while distractions definitely help in the short term, ultimately you will just have to work through the emotions involved to move on properly.

Ken Shamrock

Haven't had any communication since I made this thread, I'm finding It tough, It's gonna be a rough few weeks/months Isn't It?

laserlad2010

Ken Shamrock wrote: »

Haven't had any communication since I made this thread, I'm finding It tough, It's gonna be a rough few weeks/months Isn't It?

Yep, no doubt about it. You need to start building your own life. Write a list of your hobbies, or things you've always wanted to do. Go for a run either before or after work - you'll feel better.

Its only been 3 days since you made the thread. You need to be patient. Reach out to your friends - fill your evenings with activity.

Ken Shamrock

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Yep, no doubt about it. You need to start building your own life. Write a list of your hobbies, or things you've always wanted to do. Go for a run either before or after work - you'll feel better.

Its only been 3 days since you made the thread. You need to be patient. Reach out to your friends - fill your evenings with activity.

Thing Is, I've always done my hobbies, work takes up my entire week, I only have weekends free and that's the only time I really saw her. I had a friend over last night and he brought cans and some Mary as he thought this would be a nice idea, and It was but, I don't want to have to go down that road.

Scarinae

After my breakup I made a list of things that I wanted to do, especially things that I felt I couldn’t do when I was in the relationship. For example I used to save up most of my annual leave to spend with my ex, and since I no longer had to do that I booked an impromptu holiday to Italy with one of my friends. He wasn’t a big fan of Christmas so I watched loads of Christmas films.

I also arranged two weekends to come back to Ireland, and arranged for a friend to come over to me for a weekend. I was already in a choir, but I signed up to be in the backing chorus of a one-off musical production. I went to a concert with a friend I hadn’t seen in months. I bought some new clothes. I made more of an effort to go along to things like work drinks that I might have skipped otherwise. I couldn’t spend loads of time with my family because I’m in London but I talked to them on Skype loads, sometimes about the breakup and sometimes just to chat. Obviously things that you enjoy doing could be very different to what I enjoy doing, but you get the idea. Keeping busy means you have less time to dwell on the breakup and being around people will cheer you up.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people, even if you haven’t seen them in a while! My breakup was an absolute mess in several ways and was quite acrimonious, but it really showed me how great my family and my friends are.

silverbolt

Ken Shamrock wrote: »

I'm not saying you're right or wrong, and I agree with everything you've said and appreciate It, but to me this feels so wrong, to just ignore someone I've spent the past 7 years of my life with feels wrong.

Of course it does. Youve been together seven years. Its going to leave a big hole.

If you split amicably then i think its a good idea for you both to discuss this. You both NEED a break from each other. You both have to find out again how to be an I and not a we.

Ken Shamrock wrote: »

Haven't had any communication since I made this thread, I'm finding It tough, It's gonna be a rough few weeks/months Isn't It?

Yes it is. I had a 7 year relationship end a few years back and it left a huge hole.

But holes can be filled and time is a great (and the only true) healer. Dont drown yourself in a bottle, thats not an answer. Just take each day as it comes. If you can afford it, i think a holiday would do you good. Maybe even go on your own and head off somewhere. It will give you a chance away from the familiar and clear your thoughts. Just dont go somewhere that the two of you have been. thats just twisting your own knife

LegacyUser

Change things up in your life. Get a new hobby, go on holiday or do something you couldn't/wouldn't when in the relationship!

You can choose to feel lonely or liberated. That's totally up to you!

Work on some of your issues or problems too. Try to work on self improvement.

It's a time for re growth. Re imagine your future with a positive optimistic attitude.