Need help to fix things

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do or how to change this. It's just endless.

I'm in second year of college and it would take me forever to explain everything fully but here goes for some of it.

My Dad used to be an alcoholic (from when I was in 1st year of secondary school to roughly the start of leaving cert). This has impacted me a lot. I have so many bad memories that are as clear as day in my mind. After he stopped drinking he became really really paranoid and this sort of reached breaking point in the summer after my leaving cert.

He has done really crazy things because of his paranoia. He has dug a 5 foot grave in our front garden because voices told him there were bodies down there, he has put up crosses in a bog near our house because voices have told him there's bodies there, he has slept overnight in drains because he thought people were out to get him and he has done many more things besides that.

I cant describe how badly this has affected me. I am so unsociable now, I never have anything to say, I always feel worried about things because I always imagine the worst happening. I have 1 friend but I think that's kind of disappearing because of how affected by stuff dad has done I am and how its making me so unsociable and boring.

As part of my course in college I have work experience coming up abroad and a few months ago I selected international work experience but now I am severely panicking about it. I feel like I am going to get so depressed when I'm abroad because I wont have anyone to talk to (any english speaker). It's too late for me to change my mind because the work experience office people wont help me find work experience at all if i change my mind now.

In my 2 semesters in college so far I have got 7A's 2B's and 1C but I always felt like I was going to fail. I worry so excessively about everything and I can't deal with it.

I REALLY want to go to the counselling office in my college but its so hard for me to do. I can't even explain why it is but I cant get the courage to go.

Dad has done such horrible things and I feel like I'm never going to be able to move on from them. I'm so lonely and I am terrified that if I go to Spain for work experience I will just get even more lonely and depressed and I really wish I hadn't chosen work experience abroad.

Dad is a lot better now (he's not normal now but he hasn't done anything extremely crazy in a while) but I can't get over it. I don't know what to do. I'm 20 and I can't imagine just repeating this everyday for decades. I feel guilty aswell because I'm sure many people out there have suffered a lot worse things and got over it but I cant.

I was going to ask my housemate to come to the counselling place tomorrow but I know he will just think I'm crazy and then think differently of me.

I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely and tired of things being like this and not changing.

I probably havent explained this properly but I am so sad right now writing this its just bringing it all back even more.

coathanger

Sorry to hear you have had such a tough time of it. You are doing well despite it all, your results speak volumes & you shpd be proud of yourself for coming this far & for all your achievements to date. However there comes a time when we need outside help & there is nothing wrong with that at all, the college counselling service is confidential & they will take it as as slow as you want, sometimes it's good to have a impartial ear. Hang in there.

Emme

OP, go to counselling as soon as you can. Anyone who has been through what you have been would be well advised to get some counseling.

I think going abroad for work experience will be the making of you. Make the most of it and try to have an all round experience, not just work.

Is there any chance you can move out of the family home when you come back? Even though your dad is ok now you might be better off in a different environment.