bad parent - disappointed in my child

Sunny Dayz

Feel like I should be up for the worst parent of the year award!

My son was taking part in Athletics today. It was ready for kids in athletics clubs but because the local clubs are packed out, the organisers let him compete as he really loves running. He got a flying start but quit the race not even halfway through. He said he was too tired, he had no energy left and he had started too fast. He was gutted with himself. I was so annoyed with him. He knows not to start off too quickly. He usually runs 4 or 5 km 2 or 3 times a week so this 2km race should have been no bother to him.

I'm so annoyed that he quit the race which really should have been no bother to him and that we went through the trouble to get him into it and travelled over early for the event. I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

Where do we go from here and what can I do or say to him to make him feel better?

Sunny Dayz

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Feel like I should be up for the worst parent of the year award!

My son was taking part in Athletics today. It was ready for kids in athletics clubs but because the local clubs are packed out, the organisers let him compete as he really loves running. He got a flying start but quit the race not even halfway through. He said he was too tired, he had no energy left and he had started too fast. He was gutted with himself. I was so annoyed with him. He knows not to start off too quickly. He usually runs 4 or 5 km 2 or 3 times a week so this 2km race should have been no bother to him.

I'm so annoyed that he quit the race which really should have been no bother to him and that we went through the trouble to get him into it and travelled over early for the event. I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

Where do we go from here and what can I do or say to him to make him feel better?

What age is your child?

LegacyUser

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Feel like I should be up for the worst parent of the year award!

My son was taking part in Athletics today. It was ready for kids in athletics clubs but because the local clubs are packed out, the organisers let him compete as he really loves running. He got a flying start but quit the race not even halfway through. He said he was too tired, he had no energy left and he had started too fast. He was gutted with himself. I was so annoyed with him. He knows not to start off too quickly. He usually runs 4 or 5 km 2 or 3 times a week so this 2km race should have been no bother to him.

I'm so annoyed that he quit the race which really should have been no bother to him and that we went through the trouble to get him into it and travelled over early for the event. I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

Where do we go from here and what can I do or say to him to make him feel better?

Race situations are different from everyday running on your own. He doesn't have the advantage of having a club and trainer behind him to tell him what way to run a 2k race. He said he started too fast. It happens. A lot actually. He clearly couldn't c

LegacyUser

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Feel like I should be up for the worst parent of the year award!

My son was taking part in Athletics today. It was ready for kids in athletics clubs but because the local clubs are packed out, the organisers let him compete as he really loves running. He got a flying start but quit the race not even halfway through. He said he was too tired, he had no energy left and he had started too fast. He was gutted with himself. I was so annoyed with him. He knows not to start off too quickly. He usually runs 4 or 5 km 2 or 3 times a week so this 2km race should have been no bother to him.

I'm so annoyed that he quit the race which really should have been no bother to him and that we went through the trouble to get him into it and travelled over early for the event. I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

Where do we go from here and what can I do or say to him to make him feel better?

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Feel like I should be up for the worst parent of the year award!

My son was taking part in Athletics today. It was ready for kids in athletics clubs but because the local clubs are packed out, the organisers let him compete as he really loves running. He got a flying start but quit the race not even halfway through. He said he was too tired, he had no energy left and he had started too fast. He was gutted with himself. I was so annoyed with him. He knows not to start off too quickly. He usually runs 4 or 5 km 2 or 3 times a week so this 2km race should have been no bother to him.

I'm so annoyed that he quit the race which really should have been no bother to him and that we went through the trouble to get him into it and travelled over early for the event. I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

Where do we go from here and what can I do or say to him to make him feel better?

Race situations are different from everyday running on your own. He doesn't have the advantage of having a club and trainer behind him to tell him what way to run a 2k race. He said he started too fast. It happens. A lot actually. He clearly couldn't continue.

I'm sure he has learned from it and will apply this knowledge to the next race.

Just give him plenty of encouragement

denis160

You're disappointed, imagine how he feels? Pulling up in a race which more than likely has some of his friends or people he knows running in it too isn't easy for him to face!

Maybe nerves got the better of him, it can happen to anyone especially kids. Is he in a club? Maybe he needs a bit of confidence building & positive coaching to get his head around the idea of racing.
Go easy on yourself & him, it's only 1 of many races he will run ☺

I'm training for a marathon. I run most days, and I know well that going out too fast in a race can ruin you. Yet I've still done it myself. I've had to walk to the end of races because I screwed up on the first couple of km.

There's a race I do in Sligo, I know a runner (who is a poster on here) didn't finish it one year, but won it another year!

What I'm saying is, it happens, it happens to adults who know better, it's part of running and you learn from these things. Aside from that, he could have just had a bad day, that happens too - and can happen often. As you said, he runs this distance plenty, so something went wrong today.

Children should be enjoying the things they're involved in, being disappointed with him won't help him, and this should be about him - not about you. Chat to him about what went wrong, and why it went wrong, help him learn from it so that he can put those lessons to work next time.

It's a 2k race, and he's a child, put things into perspective.

mdwexford

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I'd be disappointed as well.
It'll be good experience for him though and will improve him for the next time.

Sunny Dayz

Thanks all. He's just turned 11.
He's always ran so well, he's had runs where he hasn't done so well but he's kept going, he's never quit like this. He knows where he went wrong cos he was able to admit he started too fast.
He's not in a club as they are full and I was hoping that with the run today with other kids in clubs that it would improve his chances of getting in a club.
I suppose I'm used to him running well and me being fit to burst with pride at how well he does that I was disappointed and a bit shocked to not have that feeling today.

You can call it quitting, or you can call it listening to his body. He was out of energy, he felt like he couldn't run a much shorter distance than he's used to running. If he had been able to push through it then I'm sure by the sounds of it he would have.

Do you run yourself?

eviltwin

Like Whoops I run. There are good days and bad days but every run is an experience to learn something so the ones I don't complete are just as important as the ones I do. I appreciate you feeling like you wasted your day but try to shift your perspective. Your son might not have run well but he ran and whatever caused him to stop is a lesson to be learnt. Whatever you feel about the travelling and the hoops you jumped through to get him into the event shouldn't be passed onto him. It's not like he didn't bother to try, he tried. Maybe your attitude is the reason he didn't tell you he was feeling off, maybe he felt under pressure to do it? Go easy on him, it's just a race, it's not important, your son's health is.

mattP

Speaking for myself
- My parents never came/come to my stuff. When I was younger it upset me but now im older (17), I have school and a job so I realise what its like for them! Im run off my feet half the time, and I imagine its only worse for them. I wouldn't consider them bad parents by any stretch. Its all the little things that add up - the bed made at the end of a long day, a dinner kept in the oven, obliging to cart me and my friends around the place, buying the bread I like(its in a different shop to their usual), making me random mugs of tea, the list goes on......
There's no point beating yourself up over it. This time next year ye'll both have forgotten :P In the big picture its nothing, the day to day is

Dubl07

It's not your job to be disappointed in your son. For him perhaps. He wasn't ready for this race at this time so learn from it and try harder to get him into a club where he can train alongside his peers. I still have a tiny chip on my shoulder for my parents' reaction when I came 4th instead of 3rd or higher in my year when I was twelve. That was out of over 100 pupils in an academic school but their 'disappointment' tainted the rest of my education. Don't lay that on your kid.

GardeningGirl

mattP wrote:

Speaking for myself - My parents never came/come to my stuff. When I was younger it upset me but now im older (17), I have school and a job so I realise what its like for them! Im run off my feet half the time, and I imagine its only worse for them. I wouldn't consider them bad parents by any stretch. Its all the little things that add up - the bed made at the end of a long day, a dinner kept in the oven, obliging to cart me and my friends around the place, buying the bread I like(its in a different shop to their usual), making me random mugs of tea, the list goes on...... There's no point beating yourself up over it. This time next year ye'll both have forgotten In the big picture its nothing, the day to day is

Fair play to ya, you have a great attitude. There might be hope for the world yet

Sunny Dayz

Thanks again for your contributions. I know I was wrong to be feeling that way but knew I needed outside perspective. We had a little chat this evening. He said he was sad to get a "dnf" in his own words. we chatted about what went wrong, how he felt, how the other boys were in clubs and had trained for this race and were probably local and knew the course.
I run, although not competitively, very slowly and more so for fitness and well being. I told him about some of the bad runs I had. I said he was wise to stop rather than risk injury or making himself sick. Thanks all, I think it has been a day of learning for both of us.

denis160

Have you tried joining any local running clubs?

uck51js9zml2yt

He tried and knew he couldn't finish so pulled out.

So far all he has heard from you is that he's a failure. Sorry OP but you really need to get your act together on this. It's not about you.
The least you owe him is chat and probably an apology.

Diamond Doll

Mckenna Modern Triangle wrote: »

He tried and knew he couldn't finish so pulled out.

So far all he has heard from you is that he's a failure. Sorry OP but you really need to get your act together on this. It's not about you.
The least you owe him is chat and probably an apology.

In fairness the OP said that she felt disappointed, not that she told the son that she was disappointed, or that he was a failure. It's not exactly fair to be putting words in her mouth.

uck51js9zml2yt

Not putting words in her mouth but I'm sure he knows she's disappointed in him.
Its hard to hide such feelings even if it wasn't said but I'd hazard a guess that it was said.

Jawgap

Quiet simply, he needs coaching in how to run a race and be tactical.

So his and your options are that he joins a club, if there are any available, and gets the coaching or, pending a slot becoming available, you both hit the books, the internet etc and you become his interim coach.

another thing perhaps to consider is the distance and discipline he was running in. Maybe a longer or shorter race would suit, or instead of track maybe cross-country.

In my younger days I ran a bit - loved cross-country running, hated the track!

Good luck to you both.

Autonomous Cowherd

Hmmm.
So now you have seen clearly a side of you that you need to deal with. That's good, I reckon. Face that shadow side of yourself and change it.
This is not about your child. This is about you. And specifically you depending on your child to fuel you with feel-good emotions.
Your child is healthy, active, happy, good, alive!, loving, pleasant, a fit all-rounder. You are blessed beyond measure in this world. Feel the bursting of pride in your heart just to be alongside him in this life. Love him to the zenith of your capacity every single minute he is breathing even if he never ''achieves'' another thing on this planet, even if he ''fails'' at everything he ever attempts from here on out.
We are human BEINGS, not human doings. Give him a high-five from me.

MisterKipling

You've made this whole situation about yourself. You've even come on here looking for support, I wonder has he been able to get any support yet? While you are on here maybe your time would be better spent bringing him for an ice cream or sitting down watching a movie with him and giving him a big hug.
Tell him you couldn't be prouder of him and that he'll come back stronger in the next race.......And get over yourself.

Sunny Dayz

Thanks again for your replies. I did not tell him I was disappointed in him.
I have been trying to get him into an athletics club but the only one nearby is full. We run with the local gaa couch to 5k group and while it is good and relaxed, it got him started with the running, it is mainly mums out for a jog and he is at the stage now where he needs to be running with more kids his own age and to get some coaching.

SteM

OP, I'm sure he's disappointed in himself but somehow your original post you make it all about you.

uck51js9zml2yt

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Thanks again for your replies. I did not tell him I was disappointed in him.
I have been trying to get him into an athletics club but the only one nearby is full. We run with the local gaa couch to 5k group and while it is good and relaxed, it got him started with the running, it is mainly mums out for a jog and he is at the stage now where he needs to be running with more kids his own age and to get some coaching.

You may not have told h how disappointed you were but you told us. If your feelings of disappointment were so strong that you took the time to sit down at a keyboard, I'm sure he knows how you feel apart from words.
Ive not seen you say how you encouraged him despite his pulling out.
I'm sure he's gutted and waiting for some encouragement.
As a parent, it should never be about me.

zeffabelli

I'm sure your disappointment transmitted.

If there was any shaming done then you need to do some recovery work now.

I think maybe talk to him and tell him you are really really proud that he endured public failure and is still going to try again in the fall down seven get up 8 attitude.

And seriously you should be proud of him for that. It's easy to keep going when you are always successful it takes tremendous character to fail in public and then keep going and it's up to you now to acknowledge that and tell him how proud you are that he has that character in him.

You need to undo the shame and fast. He's not your show pony.

5rtytry56

Maybe contact / email your local government councillor (FG, FF whoever) about local clubs being "packed out". Just saying. It's their job to look into this too.

hmmm

I wanted to be so proud of him today, it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't win, just to finish and to get the run out would have been great. I feel awful that I'm disappointed in him.

He's 11, he's at a stage where he should be messing up & learning from his mistakes, not having a parent expecting him to be perfect every time. It's awful pressure you're putting on him - instead of acting disappointed around him, how about talking through what happened and asking him what he thinks he should have done differently?

If he's disappointed, he should be and there's nothing wrong with that - it's your job to make it clear that he shouldn't feel that he has left you down, but that he should take the time to think about & learn from his mistakes. He's at an age where he probably needs actual guidance, not just encouragement, and it's a good opportunity to have an early "adult" conversation going.

Every one of us who is a runner has run a race where we started off too fast. Pacing yourself is something that is difficult to understand until you get that first miserable experience of dying half way through a race It's a mistake you will repeat a few times, but every time is a learning experience.

Neyite

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Thanks again for your contributions. I know I was wrong to be feeling that way but knew I needed outside perspective. We had a little chat this evening. He said he was sad to get a "dnf" in his own words. we chatted about what went wrong, how he felt, how the other boys were in clubs and had trained for this race and were probably local and knew the course.
I run, although not competitively, very slowly and more so for fitness and well being. I told him about some of the bad runs I had. I said he was wise to stop rather than risk injury or making himself sick. Thanks all, I think it has been a day of learning for both of us.

I think telling him this was a very good way of putting it. He is disappointed he had a bad day. You are disappointed for him having a bad day, but not disappointed in him.

Praising his wisdom here to know his own body, his own limits on the day will stand him in far better stead for future races. It shows that you support him through good and bad. That's all any of us want from people who love us.

He sounds like a happy, healthy, active boy who can talk openly with you about his feelings and thoughts. That, especially in the teen and pre-teen years, is much more valuable to you as a parent than any medal he gets in a race.

beauf

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Thanks again for your replies. I did not tell him I was disappointed in him.
I have been trying to get him into an athletics club but the only one nearby is full. We run with the local gaa couch to 5k group and while it is good and relaxed, it got him started with the running, it is mainly mums out for a jog and he is at the stage now where he needs to be running with more kids his own age and to get some coaching.

Anyone can have an off day.

I know nothing about running. But it seems to me he needs to be coached how to run properly. Get a running watch, or smart phone apps to learn about pacing etc. Perhaps, he's just out grown the casual approach you've been using thus far.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

mdwexford

So much sanctimonious tripe being posted.

Winning is important as is a winning mentality from a young age if playing sports.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed if your child plays badly in a match or has a bad race etc.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

ch750536

Just to qualify myself I'm a sports coach of kids, studied in sports psychology and take a 'new school' approach rater than old school.

Reading all your posts it's possible his doing well in sports is more important to you than it is to him. It's not for everyone.

He took part and chose not to finish. Perhaps he felt too much pressure to win that he couldn't live up to.

As a parent you have a very simple set of rules to live by:

1. Before an activity tell them you are looking forward to watching them, after tell them how much you enjoyed watching them - in your case 'I really enjoyed the first 800m, you put in a lot of effort.
2. In the car on the way home talk about something else unless they want to talk about the event. LISTEN to what they are saying and ask questions about issues they raise. In your example - 'What do you think went wrong?' Allow them to answer and don't correct them, all aprt of the learning process.
3. Always praise effort with little focus on results. Focus on learning & improving. The only person your son has to beat is himself yesterday.
4. Knock down all barriers to THEIR goals. In your example - start a new athletics club! Sounds mad but I did it in a similar example.

Never show disappointment in your child - it has surprising long term impacts where they are not performing for themselves. Be positive, remove barriers and praise effort.
http://www.therightgoals.com/2014/11/the-drive-to-match.html

eviltwin

mdwexford wrote: »

So much sanctimonious tripe being posted.

Winning is important as is a winning mentality from a young age if playing sports.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed if your child plays badly in a match or has a bad race etc.

What you call sanctimonious I call good parenting. No one is going to win every race, even a good runner will have off days, there is no shame in that. Sure you can be disappointed for someone if they haven't done as well as they wanted but to be disappointed with him isn't helpful. He's a kid, running should be about fun primarily, put the focus on where he places and he could end up hating it.

ch750536

mdwexford wrote: »

So much sanctimonious tripe being posted.

Winning is important as is a winning mentality from a young age if playing sports.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed if your child plays badly in a match or has a bad race etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MM-psvqiG8

eta - Parents may find some use in this playlist, these are things I consider when coaching.

Wabbit Ears

Went for a run this morning, was going great but ran out of steam and the second half of my run sucked. Also did nowhere near the distance I wanted to. Rookie mistake but I was really enjoying flying it along at 6 am.

Just thought I'd share so the op can be dissapointed in me. excellent service being provided here in this thread. I was dissapointed with myself but since the op feels that it's their place to be dissapointed in others atletic failures I may as well unburden myself.

I'm sure an 11 year old without my life experience would be crushed however as they can't see it for the service that it is.

mdwexford

eviltwin wrote: »

What you call sanctimonious I call good parenting. No one is going to win every race, even a good runner will have off days, there is no shame in that. Sure you can be disappointed for someone if they haven't done as well as they wanted but to be disappointed with him isn't helpful. He's a kid, running should be about fun primarily, put the focus on where he places and he could end up hating it.

I'm referring to people saying the OP has issues and similar over the top stuff. I'm not saying to berate the child or tell him you are disappointed with him in this situation.

I am saying it is perfectly normal to feel disappointed yourself when your kid doesn't win or their performance hasn't done themselves justice.

I remember when I was as young as 10 cracking up whenever id lose a race or my team would lose a match. Being competitive and wanting to win is a good thing imo.

ch750536 wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MM-psvqiG8

eta - Parents may find some use in this playlist, these are things I consider when coaching.

Ill check out the vid later when im home.

Xaracatz

Just a thought.

I did piano lessons when I was a child, and I really enjoyed them. I remember preparing for my first piano exam. Coming up to the exam, I told my mum that I didn't want to do it. It wouldn't have been difficult, but I just knew I really didn't want to do it. I normally enjoyed competing / challenges, but the reason (which I couldn't articulate at the time) was that the piano lessons and playing were relaxing, and introducing this competitive element ruined that for me.

It may not be the same with your son, but it could be that he enjoys running for running, and taking part in competitions puts some stress on him and takes away the enjoyment.

mirrorwall14

Xaracatz wrote: »

Just a thought.

I did piano lessons when I was a child, and I really enjoyed them. I remember preparing for my first piano exam. Coming up to the exam, I told my mum that I didn't want to do it. It wouldn't have been difficult, but I just knew I really didn't want to do it. I normally enjoyed competing / challenges, but the reason (which I couldn't articulate at the time) was that the piano lessons and playing were relaxing, and introducing this competitive element ruined that for me.

It may not be the same with your son, but it could be that he enjoys running for running, and taking part in competitions puts some stress on him and takes away the enjoyment.

Actually on this note as a music teacher and totally OT I'm constantly asking parents to ensure that their kids are getting a chance to learn music that they want to learn and not just 3 exam pieces a year which is very common. About 15 people in my class played piano in secondary school and I'm the solitary one who still plays. I was also the only one who insisted on learning my own music as well as the grade pieces. This is really easy nowadays with YouTube etc. I still have first years coming into me who are stunned at the idea that they can play a pop song on piano?! It's bizarre, a lot of them really just associate it with something they must do for exams and that's it

Elliottsmum79

MisterKipling wrote: »

You've made this whole situation about yourself. You've even come on here looking for support, I wonder has he been able to get any support yet? While you are on here maybe your time would be better spent bringing him for an ice cream or sitting down watching a movie with him and giving him a big hug.
Tell him you couldn't be prouder of him and that he'll come back stronger in the next race.......And get over yourself.

Don't think any helpful comment ever ended with "get over yourself". I think there are two issues here. This is about both the adult and the child. The parent is feeling annoyed and disappointed and is struggling to help their child when feeling this way. Its good that they know and acknowledge their own feeling and that they are clearly are struggling to deal with their own child's "failure to perform". What part of failure is unacceptable to them? How were they parented? What part of this do they want to improve on. Self reflection, self understanding and sometimes therapy can help parents manage their own emotions better and become better parents to their children. So this situation is about the parent, have some compassion for them. I'm always surprised by how people see emotions/ feeling as somehow self indulgent- "situation all about yourself".
As for the child in this, important to ask what they are feeling after the race not to assume their emotions. It would be good to empathise but not to overreact to comfort a child who may be managing this disappointment well. Tell them its ok to feel disappointed/angry, that these feelings will pass. That they made a great effort, and it didnt work out. Perhaps make a plan for the next race. But gently please. Remember the advice to praise effort not outcomes- so the child can have a growth mindset and see the next race as a challenge they can cope with not as a potential source of failure or disappointment to themselves or others. Remind them that they are loved for WHO they are, not what they achieve. Being themselves should always be enough for us as parents, keep that in mind. Good luck

Chemical Byrne

I think you should ease up on him.
It was his first race, he is probably disappointed enough with it himself. Isn't that enough without you giving him greif over it too.

He's 11 for goodness sake, it's hardly a big deal.

If nothing else, he's learned a lesson from this loss.

zeffabelli

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

Actually on this note as a music teacher and totally OT I'm constantly asking parents to ensure that their kids are getting a chance to learn music that they want to learn and not just 3 exam pieces a year which is very common. About 15 people in my class played piano in secondary school and I'm the solitary one who still plays. I was also the only one who insisted on learning my own music as well as the grade pieces. This is really easy nowadays with YouTube etc. I still have first years coming into me who are stunned at the idea that they can play a pop song on piano?! It's bizarre, a lot of them really just associate it with something they must do for exams and that's it

Absolutely. Im going to get music OUT of the exam system...because I want the love to be there first...

Impart the passion, not the measurements and tests and teh achivement will take care of itself.

Id be heart broken if an exam system ruined music for him...it's just too important to risk.

ch750536

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

zeffabelli

ch750536 wrote: »

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

There's inherent grading: win/lose.

ch750536

zeffabelli wrote: »

There's inherent grading: win/lose.

Most sports the team wins \ loses. It's easy enough to help kids understand that they should only focus on how they performed and not the team. That way no matter what the result when you ask them about the game they will tell you of the things that they personally did really well and most of the time not even mention the result.

CliCliW

ch750536 wrote:

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

Martial arts have grading though and it's terrifying.

ch750536

CliCliW wrote: »

Martial arts have grading though and it's terrifying.

Agreed. Both my boys do Karate and the drop out rate at grading times is huge. A class of 30 becomes 20 because failure! I explain it as adults being a bit crap and wanting to brag about how great their kids are. "No matter what happens we still go to the park afterwards, meet with friends and go to karate next week as normal, nothing changes."

eta : They could all learn to use "Yet". 'You're not ready for grading yet.'

cowboyBuilder

Try living your own life and let your kid be himself, he is not a mini version of you or the other parent.

Dangerous for parents to live their athletic/sporting dreams through their kids.

My 3 year old really wants to play tennis with me, I'm afraid to get him into that sport ..