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Howyas in my kitchen?
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02-10-2015 11:05am#1A while back I asked AH for help when there were rats under my decking. A war was waged and although casualty numbers turned out to be quite low (1 confirmed kill), the rest fled in terror.
I fear now that I have a new infestation.
Not fifteen minutes ago did I awake from my slumber (thoroughly enjoying my day off with a lie in) when, nature did call. I made my way out onto my landing in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and (compose yourself, ladies) no shirt at all to cover my hairy moobs.
Like a deer traipsing through a brook I made my way to the jacks. Only to be startled by a wildling of sorts; a hunched figure stomping up the stairs. I jumped, knees locked, a foot into the air. I retreated behind the vaccum cleaner. And adjusted my hazy focus onto this creatures head.
It looked at me, and I it. Wearing some kind of war paint and a scowl like the nuns at school. I made like Messi, turned on a two euro and closed my bedroom door.
Silence. The wildling was stopped dead on the top stair. I could hear it breathing.
Next, a shuffle. Then the bathroom door gently closing with a slight click.
It had asserted its dominance and taken the mutual target (the toilet) right from my grasp.
With a full ballast tank I stood there waiting. I once read in an Andy McNab book that if you open your mouth your body lets out all its internal noises so you can hear better in quiet environments. So I did that.
The wildling was peeing. Heavily. I can't contend with such a blast, I thought.
No. I should't spar with such a beast. The cackles and hoots from downstairs told me there were more of her tribe within blasting distance. I was now fully awake and panicked. I put on my slippers because you never know, but I sat down because there's no sense standing.
It was going back downstairs now to rejoin its pack.
Within moments the explanation became clear. My housemate is a MUA (pronounced Emm-You-Ay in native speak). A primitive form of artwork involving daubed compounds and "contouring". It apparently constitutes some form of employment. She invites these people to our kitchen to have their scowls covered up.
I sit now on the edge of my bed, laptop on my lap, typing this post. They're still in my kitchen with a clear route to the bathroom. I can't even make toast.
If anyone wants to play PS4 add me.
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