Think I am becoming the weird housemate, have I blown it?

LegacyUser

I am a 3rd year student 22 years old, but I go to a small campus, and there isn't much student accommodation where you have the house with other housemates. It's either mainly digs or living with houseowner, which I would have found hard to do since I'd be afraid being under their feet, and you had to go home every weekend, which would have been difficult for me, travel wise. Also, there was the high price of rent too.

So I did find a house with other girls my age who now work jobs. I got on good with them at the start when I introduced myself and I have been here 2 and a half weeks. Now with me, I am not good socially. My social skills are very bad due to lack of life experience growing up. I got digs first two years of college, because I freaked out at the thought of college housemates and worried what would happen if I didn't get along with them.

I wanted to make an effort this year, so I try to go down to the living room when I can if the others are in there, and there hasnt been any problems, we still get on fine.
Only problem is that while they have no work in the evenings, I do with my college work.
So most of the past few weeks, especially this week, I have been either late coming home or stuck in my room doing work most of the evening when they come in from work. Not only that, there is more social societies than before in my college and I wanted to make an effort in joining them, so they took up some of my time this week too.

I suppose I might as well admit that it has become a default setting for me to retreat to my room, because I wouldn't be a big television person anymore and usually on my laptop most of the time.

Before I thought how good it would be if I hit it off with some of the girls and got to go out with them, but I assumed that they all did their own thing since they all went home for weekends (they all live in different counties) and never went out together. I was ok with that, as long as they were not being a clique among themselves.

But this evening I realized that they were all in the sitting room talking and laughing while I was in my room here and when they came up the stairs, I could hear them talking about a night out and planning on who was going to be around next week for it.
It hit me then how I have now probably become an outcast in this house, and probably blown my chance to have bonded with them properly the first two weeks.

I mean I know they have know each other longer in the house (all have them have been their months) and maybe things are a bit different with me since I have a student lifestyle (not in the partying sense, in more of the more freetime, less hours, but studying lifestyle) but it still worries me.

It just dawned on me too how if one of the housemates are home when I come in from college, they stay in their room, but if one of the others come home, they would come down to talk to them. Again I get it because they know them more, but still puts me on edge and makes me think what if they don't want to know me anymore?

Is there anyone to fix this, or have I blown it and made myself look like the weird housemate? Again, I have crappy social skills, so I don't know how to make this better on my own.

Apologies if my writing looks ****, I am very tired now, but wanted to get this all out before bedtime.

OneOfThem

Yeah, you are way way way way reading too much into things that simply aren't there. Nothing you've said suggests in the slightest that these girls think you are 'a weird housemate' or that they don't like you.

You day you got on good with them at the start, so they like you. You've only been there a couple of weeks, its still the start.

Them not coming out of thier room when you come in is just down to the same reason you don't when one of them come in. People can just be a little shy or nervous around new people. That's not just you, that's absolutely everybody to one degree or another.

Just continue to make an effort with them, and remember that they're going to be a little hesitant with you initially, just like you are with them, it's nothing personal, that's just people.
So focus in being the one to make the effort and put them at ease.
And for the love of God stop over analysing things so much.

And look, if you're worried they'll think something about the amount of time you spend in your room, then address that head on. Make the effort to head out and sit with them and chat and hang out a bit, and then when you're heading back to your room just say "well better get bit more study done. Sorry, hope ye don't think I'm being antisocial hiding myself away in my room or anything, just crap loads of work to get through at the minute".

thegreatgonzo

You've only been there 2 weeks. Why don't you go downstairs and say you are making a cup of tea and would they like one as well?

El_Duderino 09

Relax. It's not your job to entertain them. It doesn't sound like you've made an effort to open up to them so it's not like they have seen your personality and rejected it. Like the poster above said, get to know them. Maybe offer to cook dinner for them now that you've settled in and make an effort to do something different.

Cook something homely like roast chicken and roast spuds etc. It's your home now but you have been behaving like a ghost. They are living with someone they don't know and that can be off putting. Give them a chance to get to know you. You'll be part of the furniture by Xmas

Ursus Horribilis

Wow you are being way too hard on yourself here. I doubt your housemates think you're weird or anything like that. While you won't have helped yourself by hiding out in your room, I don't think there's anything bad going on at all. They probably assume you're busy with your own life and prefer to do your own thing. Nothing weird about that at all.

You said they're there longer so a friendship has developed with them. You can't become friendly with your housemates unless you get to know them. It's also worth bearing in mind that house shares aren't like an episode of Friends. You can't ever assume that you'll become best buddies with your house mates. I house shared when I was younger and while I did make some good friends from the experience there are also plenty of people who I never spoke to again. People house share for different reasons and don't always want to get to know their housemates.

It's good that you're getting involved with college life. Has that helped your social skills? Maybe you'll find thar you've more in common with your college mates than your housemates. If that's the case then so be it. It would be better for you if you made more of an effort though. Not necessarily so that you'll be socialising with them but so that this won't turn into a big stumbling block for you.

Rubberchikken

i doubt they're giving any attention to what you're doing. relax and give yourself a break. imho you're doing fine. whenever you're in their company chat when you can. ask questions. it's the little things that help in the long run.

as others have said, if you're making a cup of tea/coffee, ask if anyone wnats one. when you're leaving the room/passing through to go to your room, mention that you 'have' to study;) they'll understand.
above all, give yourself time. building up any kind of friendship with total strangers takes time and effort and you're doing just grand.

magicmushroom

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

You've only been there 2 weeks. Why don't you go downstairs and say you are making a cup of tea and would they like one as well?

Yep, do this and then sit in the living room and say Jesus girls I'm wrecked, I've been working so hard on a big project these past 2 weeks! Sorry I've been such a hermit.
So, any plans for the weekend? I'd love to get out and have a few drinks, do you fancy it?

Job done.

Blingy

Or while u say you have no interest in TV you can always sit for a while in the sitting room on your laptop so you can join In the conversation.
But relax you are definitely not the weird housemate. Good luck.

baby and crumble

Op I've had my share of weird housemates- you sound perfectly average!

Like other posters have said, people are in house shares for lots of different reasons. I never expected to be best friends with folks I've lived with at all. Some I still call friends, some acquaintances and some I haven't spoken to since the day I moved out as we had nothing in common except our address.

And in addition, once you get past the early years of college (ie past 21 or so), people tend to have their own lives and interests to be getting on with. I mean in 3rd/4th year of college I was hardly ever home except to sleep, and maybe watch the odd movie if I had no society stuff or college work to do. I really wouldn't worry about it, but if you do want to be more sociable, all it takes is an hour or two off from being in your room and watching some tv, even if it's not what you'd prefer to be doing for those two hours. Also just try chatting with them, like others have suggested, and dropping in that you've loads of work and study, and you're getting back into the groove of college again. People understand, especially if they're all grads themselves, they'll get it.

LegacyUser

magicmushroom wrote: »

Yep, do this and then sit in the living room and say Jesus girls I'm wrecked, I've been working so hard on a big project these past 2 weeks! Sorry I've been such a hermit.
So, any plans for the weekend? I'd love to get out and have a few drinks, do you fancy it?

Job done.

You can do this OP but just be aware they may not include you in their plans and they are under no obligation to do so. If that does happen don't take it as personal. It's great to have a good social life with housemates but it's not standard, most house shares just want everyone to clean up after themselves, be relaxed enough to chat when your in the same room and get on and are prefectly happy with nothing more. You are in a different zone to them being a student rather then working full time so make the effort in college to be more social. Don't try and force a friendship with your housemates, be yourself, relax, enjoy college, enjoy living indpendently and just see how things work out.

Stop over thinking everything!

Koptain Liverpool

Like others have said you are reading way too much into things.

You have only been there a very short time.

You describe being nervous around them - this could be perceived by them as stand offish on your part.

Just try to relax around them.

Most people are actually nice and will be willing to develop friendships with new people.

Don´t try to force the issue of becoming friends with them - it can take time.

The best way to develop things will be simply to try and spend time with them.

So force yourself to sit in the living room them!

Sit with your laptop if need be and then try to join in their conversations.

If they´re planning in heading out ask them if you can tag along. Now of course they may say no if its a sort of private event like a birthday party or the like. I´m talking more about if they mention going for a few drinks in the local

All you can do is be friendly and outgoing yourself!

evolving_doors

Id say forget about trying to be their friend. They're working so on a different buzz to you. by all means be friendly and do the idle chat and niceties etc but focus on what you want/need out of the situation, namely:
1. place to sleep/eat etc
2. place to study.
The college year can fly so maybe if you want to find people of 'like mind' then stick to college folk.
If it happens it happens, if not then don't beat yourself up over it. House shares can be hard enough (even amongst friends!).
Focus on the college as an outlet.