Stuck in a bad relationship / need to find a job and become independent

turquiose · 30-09-2015 1:44pm #1

Hi,

I'm living with a guy and I feel so trapped. He criticises me all the time. I'm constantly tiptoeing around afraid of making him angry. He flirts with other women in front of me. He has a history of violence and although he hasn't become violent with me yet I feel afraid of him. He threatened me with violence a few times.

I don't have a job and I feel like i need to find one as soon as possible to move out and get my independence back. I apply for jobs but rarely get any responses. I have a degree and experience. It feels like I cannot move forward until I find a job.

I feel very isolated. I'm an introverted person. I never had many friends. It feels like the close friends I had have all moved forwards in their lives and don't seem interested in meeting up. I feel very alone and unsupported.

Any comments appreciated.

Mozzeltoff · 30-09-2015 3:01pm

Can you not move back home with your family until you do find a job? You'd be a lot better off!!

Diamond Doll · 30-09-2015 3:05pm

It might be worth contacting Womens Aid for advice. I had to visit them recently after a messy break-up, they were very helpful.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 3:05pm

Thanks Mozzletoff, no this is not an option in my case

turquiose · 30-09-2015 3:08pm

I will give them a call Diamond Doll when I get an opportunity.

silverbolt · 30-09-2015 3:43pm

if they are really good friends then they will help. Your alone, isolated and vulnerable. Your frightened of your partner and cant see a way out.

You NEED to get out and get away from him. If family cant help then turn to friends.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 4:14pm

Silverbolt, I've told the close friends about this relationship and how trapped I feel. None of them have offered any kind of help. They just seem so busy nowadays with young kids, career etc.
I've also asked friends / ex colleagues for help finding a job. They always say if they hear of anything they will let me know but that's the end of it.
Yes I do feel alone, isolated and vulnerable.

silverbolt · 30-09-2015 5:05pm

turquiose wrote: »

Silverbolt, I've told the close friends about this relationship and how trapped I feel. None of them have offered any kind of help. They just seem so busy nowadays with young kids, career etc.
I've also asked friends / ex colleagues for help finding a job. They always say if they hear of anything they will let me know but that's the end of it.
Yes I do feel alone, isolated and vulnerable.

http://www.womensaid.ie/contact/

http://www.saoirsewomensrefuge.ie/

Speak to them. Dont suffer alone.

Can i ask, why cant you turn to your family for help? Or even extended family like aunts, uncles, cousins, old work colleagues? Is there absolutely no one you can turn to in regards to this?

It sounds to me that you are now so emotionally isolated you from the outside world that you think there is no one who can or will help you.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 5:20pm

I don't actually have many family members. Any family members I've contacted have basically blamed me for getting myself into this situation.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 5:27pm

Since I confided in my two closest friends earlier this year I've hardly heard from them since. I feel like they are avoiding me. It takes a long time for them to respond to my texts and they keep saying they are busy...

silverbolt · 30-09-2015 6:11pm

Ok, then take a chance and trust in the kindness of strangers. Contact a womans aid group and see what they can do.

strandroad · 30-09-2015 6:24pm

Are you looking for a job related to your degree? This may take a long time, especially in your state of mind. Why don't you try walking around town leaving CVs in shops etc? You need to get out of this house and start living among people. A basic job will give you that, and then you can take it from there.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 6:41pm

Yes I do leave my CV in shops, cafes etc. I don't actually have any experience in those areas so I guess that's why they don't respond. I did get a 1 day trial in a shop and it was a bit disastrous. I didn't get offered the job.
I'm mainly looking for admin work.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 6:49pm

My family situation growing up was difficult. My father was violent towards my mother and emotionally abusive also. I moved to Dublin at 18. It's strange I find myself in a similar situation.

maggiepip · 30-09-2015 7:20pm

turquiose wrote: »

My family situation growing up was difficult. My father was violent towards my mother and emotionally abusive also. I moved to Dublin at 18. It's strange I find myself in a similar situation.

Unfortunately ending up in a situation similar to what was experienced during childhood can be quite common. Although people don't do it deliberately, its what a dysfunctional upbringing does to the subconscious. To be really simplistic about it what the subconscious sees as "normal" is dysfunction, as that's what it's adapted to, and so seeks it out, even though the conscious wants to avoid all dysfunction, the subconscious is often stronger.

Is there not any way you could declare yourself as unemployed and looking for work and be entitled to unemployment assistance. You could also be entitled to rent allowance to get your own place while you get back on your feet?

turquiose · 30-09-2015 7:27pm

Maggiepip, what you write about ending up in a similar situation to childhood makes sense. I had therapy and I hoped I had moved away from the old patterns. Seemingly not.
I've been spending a lot of time looking at renting. It just seems to be a difficult time to rent. Landlords are charging too high rents and I wouldn't be entitled to rent allowance unless the rent is below a certain threshold. Plus nearly all landlords I contacted are looking for working people.

maggiepip · 30-09-2015 7:33pm

A previous poster suggested you speak to women's aid, I think you should, they may be able to suggest ideas or have useful information you aren't aware of. You need to leave this relationship or else it will destroy you, and you can leave it.

turquiose · 30-09-2015 8:13pm

Yes I will definitely phone them, when I get an opportunity. I did call the Samaritans a few times when I was feeling really down. They don't give advice but it was nice to feel like someone cared.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2015 8:34pm

OP: In the headline of this thread you have stated that you need to find a job and become independent. Now, assuming that you have no children with this man, and nothing to really tie you to him, then just leave. I know you are unemployed, and that is what jobseekers is for. Go to your local employment office, and speak to someone.
I'm not sure really what you are looking for posters to tell you, as repeatedly you have said that you'd give women's aid a call when you have the opportunity... What is stopping you? I might be very harsh here and tell you that nothing is stopping you only yourself. You have a degree, you can get something. If I was in your situation, I'd sign up with a contract cleaning agency, or babysitting....if you have no place to stay, then why not aupair for a while until you get yourself sorted. There are ways OP.
I really wish you the best of luck, but you have to do this for yourself.

silverbolt · 30-09-2015 9:57pm

turquiose wrote: »

Yes I will definitely phone them, when I get an opportunity. I did call the Samaritans a few times when I was feeling really down. They don't give advice but it was nice to feel like someone cared.

Samaritans are good to vent at (though it could be said they need to update thier training when it comes to listening skills and advice) but the womans aid will be able to give advice, support and maybe more.

Stuck in a bad relationship / need to find a job and become independent

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