The job that I should never have taken

LegacyUser

Just looking for some guidance and your thoughts on a work issue that has worn me down in recent months. Am struggling to figure how I can resolve this and I apologise for the long post in advance

To give some background, I have worked in my particular industry for 15 years, starting in a junior position, working my way up in seniority while also taking the opportunity to move into different areas, building a broad experience base as I do so. I've always enjoyed my job and taken on new roles and challenges along the way. My performance and results have been rated highly in the yearly appraisal process and I would consider myself a valued employee.

Within the past 18 months, my company was taken over by a far larger European operation which in itself brought great change and opportunity to all of the Irish operation.
I was assigned a role on a strategic project which straddled both our European headquarters and the Irish base. During my work on this project, I was approached by one of the directors of the European operation who advised that a team (Initially 2 members with expansion planned) were to be created in which he felt I would be an ideal fit for. The role was described, it sounded interesting and I thanked the director for considering me. He advised that someone would need to be appointed to head up the group which would be a global managerial role and once this was complete the additional team member would be recruited. It was this additional position that they wanted me for.

Months went by without any further discussion and the managerial position was advertised and recruited. The person who secured the role disappointed me as the choice was a brash individual who I had previous working relationships with and didn't enjoy the experience.
The position that I had been approached about was subsequently advertised and when I looked at the job spec there were certain facets of the job roles and responsibilities that I wasn't comfortable with. This, coupled with the choice of manager for the group, made me realise that i wasnt interested in pursuing this position and I decided not to apply for the role.
After the expiry date for applications, I was approached by the manager asking why I hadn't applied as the European director had earmarked the role for me and it was now his job to make sure I went for it. I did not mention our potential personality clash but I did mention that I wasnt comfortable with some of the roles and responsibilities and had decided not to apply. He advised not to take any notice of that, my current projects would merely transfer into the role and this new position meant a further grade upgrade. I felt pressurised but I went with it and applied for the role - after the expiry date had passed.
The interview process occurred a few weeks later whereby I and each of the candidates went through our various interviews and at the end of this I was advised that I was the successful candidate.

This is where the problem starts. I started into the role and was immediately assigned 2 projects that I had zero knowledge and expertise in. I am under tremendous pressure to deliver and am getting no help from either my manager or any other colleagues. My relationship with my manager is difficult, we sit next to each other and many days are spent without him uttering a word. I have asked him some questions and he either dismisses me or doesn't provide any helpful response. After 3 months of this, I had reached breaking point and approached our HR team where I am ashamed to admit I broke down and told them that I had made a huge mistake in taking on this role. I was receiving no guidance, no assistance, no support and for many weeks sat in silence at my desk struggling to manage the horrendous projects that i was tasked with. After an hour of tears, snot etc, they advised that I needed to approach my manager and tell him what I was feeling.
I called my manager in the following day and aired my issues with him, albeit in a more composed way. His initial response was "You can't say you don't want to do this now, how would I look". He also advised that the role was overwhelming, he also felt the same in his role however things were finally falling into place and stick with it.

That was 3 months ago and nothing has changed, in fact they are getting worse. I continue to spend my days in silence while struggling to maintain control projects that there is no way I can complete. I have to get out of here because I am at rock-bottom, have lost all confidence and feel like a worthless moron who cant do anything right.
I cant sleep at night, am anxious every morning coming into the office and am generally a mess from this role. Ultimately, I want to leave but I am now becoming angry, angry at how I was bullied into this role, angry at how other people went through the interview process without knowing that the job had my name on it, angry that I cried in an office with HR and have heard nothing from them since and very angry that this now means that I will end up walking away from this company and without a job after so many years of service

I would be so grateful to hear any of your advice as to how I should approach this

Nody

Honestly OP I could have written a lot of that based on my current role as well; not going quite as far (or as long) as you did and things are slowly, oh so slowly, turning around now. Having said that and not knowing your specific projects but can you go back to basics on them? Create a RACI matrix, outline the individual tasks and assigning them to individuals to deliver etc. to try to bring some order to the wall of chaos you're seeing in front of you? At the end of the day as a PM your job is not to do the job as to coordinate others to that they deliver their part of the puzzle and keep track on everything in helicopter view. If you don't know the details then schedule an hour meeting and discuss with the individual in person what's the deliverable means, timelines, limits etc. and work from there because I think you may be blocking yourself mentally as well due to not knowing where to start or what to do.

rgmmg

I agree with Nody. Identify who the key contributors are. You're role as PM is to manage project plan to meet the requirements i.e. ensure all plans are being followed and escalating when/if required. Sitting in silence and worrying is a spiral you must get out of as nothing will happen unless you start project managing. You may not have expertise in the product being delievered, but your approach and framework for project managing should be the same as previous. Who does know about the product? At the end of the day, that deadline is getting nearer and you cannot wait until then to admit that you were overwhelmed.

Clearlier

First thing I would is to identify someone within the company who you respect and to ask their advice. You ideally want someone who understand the position that you're in with respect to the company and the politics of it all but who has no direct interest in the success of your project. With their help write down a list of options (this is the stage at where any option no matter how stupid can be put on the table), make a decision as to the best/least bad one and then go for it.

I sympathise but that's not going to help you, you've lost control and you need to take it back even if that means leaving the company or moving into another role within the company.

dixiefly

Can you apply for any other roles within the company? Is there anyone that you can speak to, an ex supervisor, close colleagues, union rep etc?

Have you seen a GP about the stress? You would probably get a sick cert if you did. Try and avoid leaving the company without another job and in that a job that suits you to go to.

If you haven't done so make sure that you start keeping a record of all that has happened as you may need it if things get nasty with HR.

Best of luck.

Mezcita

The problem here is that since your own manager does not have an interest in solving the problems that you are experiencing, then you are effectively on your own. As suggested, if you could find someone who understands the role and who could help you that would be great. But as the project continues without milestones being reached then people will begin asking questions. The corporate world being the way it is, your boss is likely to lay the blame at your feet in order to save his own skin.

You did the right thing by going to HR but your second last paragraph said a lot to me. When a job starts affecting your sleep, your self worth and your own sanity you need to get out asap. You had the skills and the expertise to essentially get head hunted for a senior role in the first place. Time to use those skills in a different company.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your responses. I have gone from feeling in the depths of despair yesterday to feeling more buoyed based on your feedback.
While the role isn't a PM one, the initial ground work, analysis and concept is tackled by me with the implementation carried out by relevant teams. It's the concept that I have struggle with as they are way outside my area of expertise.
I've taken a few days leave and have earmarked a colleague that I will speak to when I return to the office on Monday
I intend tackling my existing tasks on Monday, documenting as I go and bringing in as many relevant teams who can provide their input.
Ultimately, the environment won't change and I know that. I will start to explore opportunities elsewhere but in the meantime, I have a plan of action to work with next week and for that I have you guys to thank

All the best ..