Girl from work.

Sarz91

Hey guys apologies for the long post but it's been gnawing at me the last few days.

Some backstory: I've been with my girlfriend for close to 8 years now. We've lived apart for the last 2 years. I work in England and she's back home in Dublin. Back in May I was out with a few friends from work. Had a bit too much to drink, hit my head and was concussed.
While in this state one of the girls from work approached and said she had feelings for me. I said I did too but decided to instantly go home so as not to make a mistake I'd end up regretting. I realise this was a horrible thing to do to my girlfriend and I won't be forgiving myself any time soon for it.

I told my girlfriend everything and we sorted it out. I also made it clear to the girl in work that that was that and nothing was or was ever going to happen.

Fast forward to last month. Out for a few drinks again with people from work. She tells me that one of my mates girlfriends was trying to set us up. I took no notice of it and left the room. She came back later and said the same thing except this time she went into more detail. I'm paraphrasing below:

her - "Matt's (not actually his name) gf was trying to set us up and I said you had a girlfriend. She asked me would I get with you if you didn't and I said well yeah."

I decided not to make a show and just to get my coat and walk home. I texted her the next morning saying that "if this keeps happening we can't be friends and I won't be iniviting you out to event's that I'm organising because I found the whole thing last night to be disrespectful and inappropriate. We've been through this and I expect you to respect my decision."

The next month in work was pretty awkward but at least there was no ambiguity.

On Saturday a few mates and I went out for a few drinks and watched the Wales v England game. No one invited her along but she came along anyway. Which was fine. We're all adults. It's no big deal.

Towards the end of the night she asked if she could apologise. She started crying saying that she really misses me as a friend and that what she said before was just a joke. I said that "it's not a big deal" and that "I'm planning on moving back home come January anyway so just forget about us as friends. In a few months I won't be here."

She then said that she doesn't want me to leave and that things would be **** without me being here. I just said "it's not your choice to make".

The conversation then turned into her shouting at me for the next 5 - 10 minutes about the whole thing being my fault and that I blame her for the whole thing and she doesn't have an SO so I'm a complete and utter scumbag to my girlfriend. I didn't bother saying anything and she stormed off.

I don't know why but I became so irritated after that. I mean I still kind of am. Am I in the wrong here? Can anyone shed some light on what actually happened? I'm just confused as hell.

Rubberchikken

I think you did all you could in the circumstances and behaved pretty well. Tbh it sounds like very odd behaviour from someone you just work with and who, i'm guessing, you've never led on.

LegacyUser

Being blunt, she sounds like either a bit of a bunny boiler or dare I say, you might have led her on in some way in the past then changed your mind?
Either way I'd forget it. She sounds completely insecure and needy

Neyite

I'd say she is a bit... odd, to put it as kindly as I can. I'd worry that maybe in her head she's built up some fantasy life where you are her boyfriend and you have some sort of relationship. If you act normal around her, it will still fall short of her expectations of how she thinks you should behave towards her so it will inevitably end up in a relationship-type row at the end of the night when her expectations are not met.

Avoid her, especially situations where you might be on your own with her - maybe ask a trusted friend to stay glued to you when she is around - in case she alleges anything. Tell your girlfriend the lot so that if this person tries to contact her to sabotage your relationship, that she knows how crazy it is.

But you did nothing wrong. Remember that. She's a bit nuts.

Sarz91

observer123 wrote: »

Being blunt, she sounds like either a bit of a bunny boiler or dare I say, you might have led her on in some way in the past then changed your mind?
Either way I'd forget it. She sounds completely insecure and needy

I never led her on. I mean aside from what happened in May, I've made it quite clear I'm not interested and again back in August when she said she liked me I made it abundantly clear I wasn't interested in any way and that it had to stop as I have a girlfriend.

I'd like to forget about it but it's split the department into those who believe her side of events and those who haven't heard my side of things.

Sarz91

Neyite wrote: »

I'd say she is a bit... odd, to put it as kindly as I can. I'd worry that maybe in her head she's built up some fantasy life where you are her boyfriend and you have some sort of relationship. If you act normal around her, it will still fall short of her expectations of how she thinks you should behave towards her so it will inevitably end up in a relationship-type row at the end of the night when her expectations are not met.

Avoid her, especially situations where you might be on your own with her - maybe ask a trusted friend to stay glued to you when she is around - in case she alleges anything. Tell your girlfriend the lot so that if this person tries to contact her to sabotage your relationship, that she knows how crazy it is.

But you did nothing wrong. Remember that. She's a bit nuts.

Cheers for the reply. I do appreciate you taking the time to read the wall of text.

My girlfriend knows the story and thinks she's not all there but I just wanted impartial opinions on this. I mean, from the reaction I was honestly starting to believe I had done something incredibly wrong.

GuessWhoEh

Sarz91 wrote: »

I never led her on. I mean aside from what happened in May, I've made it quite clear I'm not interested and again back in August when she said she liked me I made it abundantly clear I wasn't interested in any way and that it had to stop as I have a girlfriend.

I'd like to forget about it but it's split the department into those who believe her side of events and those who haven't heard my side of things.

"It's split the department?"
Is it a playground?

Those who "don't believe you" shouldn't even get involved. As far as you're concerned, you've made it utterly clear to her with your opinions are. She just won't take no for an answer. God only knows what bull****e story she is feeding your colleagues. But like you said, you're leaving anyways so whether people "believe" you or not...well it's no skin off your nose.

I've been in your position, had a few people dislike me but the way I see it is, unless you've been in an awkward situation with someone then you don't know how you will react.

You've reacted in the most polite and respectable way and she needs to learn that not everyone in life is going to like you back, in a relationship or not.

Spend your time looking forward to going home and don't let it bother you too much. As soon as you leave, she will move onto someone else. They always do.

Neyite

Sarz91 wrote: »

Cheers for the reply. I do appreciate you taking the time to read the wall of text.

My girlfriend knows the story and thinks she's not all there but I just wanted impartial opinions on this. I mean, from the reaction I was honestly starting to believe I had done something incredibly wrong.

Something similar happened to me years and years ago. A colleagues flatmate took a shine to me. I reluctantly went on a single date with him because my colleague begged me to give him a chance. I did, and at the end of the date, nicely thanked him for the date but that I was happy being single and declined another date. He would then pop up at random work sessions, and each time he would give another detail - like, his mother was looking forward to meeting me, or he would talk about some restaurant that we should go to for our next date. In his head, we were just paused or something ??

Anyway, I finally did something similar to you - gave it to him straight that I was not interested in him, and made it VERY clear. Several colleagues kind of judged me afterwards, dropped hints about how I broke his heart and what a lovely guy he was etc. Baffling, considering we never so much as kissed. He hated me. It was so weird. Thankfully a few colleagues knew that it was all in his head and stuck up for me, but I do remember being upset at the time.

Look, its only another few months. If stuff gets said to you, just nicely remind whoever is saying it that there are two sides to every story. That you have a girlfriend and while you initally thought Ms. Looper was nice, at no stage did you cross the line and cheat. She'll eventually prove to them who was telling the truth.

Sarz91

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

"It's split the department?"
Is it a playground?

Those who "don't believe you" shouldn't even get involved. As far as you're concerned, you've made it utterly clear to her with your opinions are. She just won't take no for an answer. God only knows what bull****e story she is feeding your colleagues. But like you said, you're leaving anyways so whether people "believe" you or not...well it's no skin off your nose.

I've been in your position, had a few people dislike me but the way I see it is, unless you've been in an awkward situation with someone then you don't know how you will react.

You've reacted in the most polite and respectable way and she needs to learn that not everyone in life is going to like you back, in a relationship or not.

Spend your time looking forward to going home and don't let it bother you too much. As soon as you leave, she will move onto someone else. They always do.

Honestly, as daft as it sounds, it seems like it at times. It's one of the driving factors for me wanting to leave. That and wanting to continue a life I put on pause 2 years ago for the sake of experience in my field.

I don't so much mind the others disliking me as I can rationalize that as them believing her story. It might be a ludicrous reason for them to dislike me but it's a reason.

I guess the point of creating this thread was to hopefully shed some light on something I was otherwise confused about and to get some of your opinions. To all those who've contributed I am really grateful. It's put me in a much better mood.

Sarz91

Neyite wrote: »

Anyway, I finally did something similar to you - gave it to him straight that I was not interested in him, and made it VERY clear. Several colleagues kind of judged me afterwards, dropped hints about how I broke his heart and what a lovely guy he was etc. Baffling, considering we never so much as kissed. He hated me. It was so weird.

This for me was the biggest shock. I just couldn't/don't understand why? I mean, for me it had to be something I said. I think that's what bothered me the most about this. I thought "ok well I messed this up, how do I make sure I don't do it again in the future?".

I guess the whole thing serves me right anyway for being such a tool in the first place.

retro:electro

When you said you liked her too, did you mean it?

Sarz91

anna080 wrote: »

When you said you liked her too, did you mean it?

Honestly, no. My girlfriend and I were going through a really rough patch. We hadn't seen each other in a month and a half and she had planned to move over to the UK with me, which didn't happen and caused us to have a few arguments. On top of that she (my girlfriend) was thinking about dropping out of something we had been planning on doing for a few years that up until then, we were both really looking forward to. We had also mentioned the possibility of breaking up.

I guess looking back, it's no excuse for my behaviour on the night and I have apologised to the girl from work about what I said and made it clear what had happened.

retro:electro

Sarz91 wrote: »

Honestly, no. My girlfriend and I were going through a really rough patch. We hadn't seen each other in a month and a half and she had planned to move over to the UK with me, which didn't happen and caused us to have a few arguments. On top of that she (my girlfriend) was thinking about dropping out of something we had been planning on doing for a few years that up until then, we were both really looking forward to. We had also mentioned the possibility of breaking up.

I guess looking back, it's no excuse for my behaviour on the night and I have apologised to the girl from work about what I said and made it clear what had happened.

Sounds like she has clung onto what you said that night for dear life and has some sort of imaginary relationship with you. Couple that with her blabbing to everyone at work and them feeding her nonsence as well. You've handled yourself well and you've said all that needs to be said. Also for what it's worth your girlfriend sounds very understanding.

SATSUMA

You will be out of there soon just keep a low profile and don't put yourself in a position where it's just the two of you.

Sarz91

anna080 wrote: »

Also for what it's worth your girlfriend sounds very understanding.

She definitely is. I really messed up and she couldn't have been nicer about it.

summer_chic

It sounds to me that whatever you may have said in May, you have made yourself abundantly clear since. What you have to do is not engage with her at all, and under no circumstances have an unwitnessed conversation with her. It sounds like she is thriving on the drama of it all and the best thing is to give that fire no fuel. She has created a scenario in her head and you're not going to win her, or any of those on her "team" over to your side. It seems unjust, but if you maintain your dignity she will have another victim for her affections in the future and people will soon see what's really going on.

pookie82

Count yourself lucky that you have a VERY understanding girlfriend and completely and utterly blank this girl from now until you move home, unless it's work related. It's a short time period ... if she invites herself to nights out and shows up, make a point of immediately taking your jacket and walking out, no matter what you're in the middle of, even if you have a fresh drink in front of you. She'll soon realise she's going to get nowhere if you won't even stay in the same pub with her.

In her head this is some dramatic scenario in which you're torn between her and your gf. She's probably spending half her days fantasizing that she's met the "right person at the wrong time" and considering ways in which she might convince you to ditch what's at home and take a chance on her. Girls like this absolutely set me off ... I've had this experience with more than one boyfriend, unfortunately, where there's a girl like this in the wings, waiting to pounce, being dramatic on nights out and pestering him.

You're acting well so far, categorically telling her it's not happening. I'd literally remove myself physically from her presence when not in work, even if that spoils your last few months of social life there, because you don't know what desperate measures she'll go to to concoct lies about what happens if you guys are out and alone for even a moment, to try and get rid of your gf and ruin that for you.

Neyite

pookie82 wrote: »

... if she invites herself to nights out and shows up, make a point of immediately taking your jacket and walking out, no matter what you're in the middle of, even if you have a fresh drink in front of you..

I'd also agree with this. If nothing else, it ensures that she cant engineer situations where you are rowing and the office gossips think that its another instalment in your romantic drama, but it also makes it abundantly clear that you feel that she stepped over the line so much that you literally want nothing to do with her. Others if they have a spark of sense, will see from that too that there is more to her story than meets the eye.

This for me was the biggest shock. I just couldn't/don't understand why? I mean, for me it had to be something I said. I think that's what bothered me the most about this. I thought "ok well I messed this up, how do I make sure I don't do it again in the future?".

Yeah, it was a disproportionate response, and like you I analysed it for ages. Luckily I worked with a couple of very sensible people who knew me well enough to know that I was telling them the truth about events. And they wrote him off as being a wierdo.

Sarz91

Cheers for all the replies. I do really appreciate you guys taking the time to read and comment on this issue. It means a lot. I'm just going to avoid going out at all if she's involved in any way. I think at this stage I definitely owe at least that much to my girlfriend.

Tigger99

I'd actually be concerned about what she might do to you. She has already hit on you when you were concussed which in itself is pretty crazy. Tbh I wouldn't feel safe leaving my drink around someone like that. She sounds deranged enough to try and drug you. Staying away from nights out that she may be at, or to be frank any work nights out considering you are leaving soon is a good idea.

noway12345

We're only getting one side of the story here! Maybe something more happened when you said you liked her too, a kiss?

ManOfMystery

noway12345 wrote: »

We're only getting one side of the story here! Maybe something more happened when you said you liked her too, a kiss?

This thread isn't about establishing whether the OP is telling the full story or not. it's about helping him with his particular issue.

CaraMay

Op were you diagnosed by a doctor as concussed? Did she know this when she was talking to you? Some people are being very dramatic here.

noway12345

ManOfMystery wrote: »

This thread isn't about establishing whether the OP is telling the full story or not. it's about helping him with his particular issue.

Well if he's not telling the full story then that's why he has this particular issue!

dudara

@noway12345 - please do not continue in this line. Posts in PI/RI should be constructive and intended to help.

dudara

Sarz91

CaraMay wrote: »

Op were you diagnosed by a doctor as concussed? Did she know this when she was talking to you? Some people are being very dramatic here.

Yeah I went to A&E after getting home as I started throwing up.

Sarz91

noway12345 wrote: »

We're only getting one side of the story here! Maybe something more happened when you said you liked her too, a kiss?

It's a fair question and a fair point. You are only getting one side of the story here. You can choose to not believe what I'm telling you if you so wish. I don't see what I'd stand to gain by lying to complete strangers though. It wouldn't help me to resolve the issue at all. It'd just serve as a pointless exercise.

I didn't so much as touch the girl. I discussed the issue with her as best I could saying that it was a mistake to say what I said and that I was sorry. We went back to being friends and the rest is in the OP.

Sarz91

Tigger99 wrote: »

I'd actually be concerned about what she might do to you. She has already hit on you when you were concussed which in itself is pretty crazy. Tbh I wouldn't feel safe leaving my drink around someone like that. She sounds deranged enough to try and drug you. Staying away from nights out that she may be at, or to be frank any work nights out considering you are leaving soon is a good idea.

In her defence I dont think she realised I was concussed. Yeah, I hit my head off a marble pillar pretty hard and it started bleeding but I don't think she knew. I honestly don't think she'd try any of that. I could be completely wrong but I doubt very much that she'd do that. I do honestly appreciate the heads up though.

pookie82

Sarz91 wrote: »

In her defence I dont think she realised I was concussed. Yeah, I hit my head off a marble pillar pretty hard and it started bleeding but I don't think she knew. I honestly don't think she'd try any of that. I could be completely wrong but I doubt very much that she'd do that. I do honestly appreciate the heads up though.

I agree that drugging you sounds a little extreme even for this girl, but there's nothing to say she wouldn't use an opportunity of you guys being alone for even a few minutes to plant a kiss on you and then tell everyone "you guys kissed" or just plain make it up for attention with no witnesses, to start a rumour to her advantage. Just don't be alone with her at all.

arayess

Sarz91 wrote: »

She definitely is. I really messed up and she couldn't have been nicer about it.

you hardly messed up - you said something inappropraite when you were drunk and didn't act on it.
You are being over dramatic tbh.

You're one (non gf) is a nut.
The fact she has half the department twisted to her side only reinforces that as a normal person wouldn't be spilling their love life to the whole office.