single at 32 and cant see any way out

LegacyUser

im sure there have been dozens and dozens of posts on here similar to mine but I just felt that I had to tell someone how I am feeling at the moment. As the title says im 32, a guy and have been single for all of my life other than one or 2 short term flings (weeks only). I was never into the pub scene when I was younger as I don't drink. As a result I was never one for going out to pubs clubs etc. This never really bothered me back then as I was busy with work and stuff which I guess kept being single off my mind. About 5 years ago or so I decided that I was fed up with being single and it was time to do something about it.. So I decided to give internet dating a try. this was really and still is my only option of meeting women as the pub/club scene was never ever for me. Being a guy that was always on the shy side I wouldn't have the courage to go up to girls like that. Any way since then ive being doing the online thing with absolutely no success, ( 8 dates in 5 years and absolutely nothing to show for it). its really getting to me now as at my age I should have gone through the dating game and should be prob married with kids etc. And to top that im still a virgin at 32, something that really is getting me down. Intimacy with a girl is almost foreign to me. ( I have kissed girls but that was as far as it went). Everyday I see happy couples everywhere I look and theres me on my own without anyone and its really getting me down. Just feel like breaking down and crying about the whole thing but then what good is that going to do? Im a nice guy, have been told im good looking. Everything else is going for me except the relationship/dating department.

Havernt had a date in about a year. was giving up on the whole online thing and then I decided id give it another go. Anyway I got chatting to a girl online and we organised a date for last week. We had a lot n common and she was exactly the type of girl I was looking for. Had a lovely date with this girl and it went really well and I was feeling very positive about it. However the next day she text me and told me that I was a lovely guy but she just didn't feel the spark. Have been told this before but this time its just shattered my confidence and just feel like giving up on the whole thing. Have been very down in myself since this as I feel there is no way out. Internet dating isn't working for me and I cant see any other options for me . What is a guy like me to do in this situation? There is only so much effort and time one can put into this before just giving up and facing the reality that im going to be single forever. Lots of people say that by maybe joining clubs or activities would be a way of meeting people but this just isn't for me.

Giving all these circumstances what are my options?

magicmushroom

If you're not willing to join clubs or go to the pub etc, then you can only really rely on internet dating.
That's not working for you so it's time to step put of your comfort zone and try something different.

What are your hobbies? There must be something you like to do.
Running, hiking, cinema, dining out etc...

There are lots of meet up groups around that are for people looking to meet others.
Go along looking for friends, not a girlfriend - meeting friends will open up new opportunities to meet women.

Do you have many friends now? If so, are they aware of how you're feeling?
Maybe one of them would be willing to join a club with you or introduce you to some of their friends. Or see if their partner has any single friends they could arrange a blind date with!

You really need to get out there and stop bothering with the online dating if it's getting you down. No one is going to come and knock on your front door, you need to help yourself here.

The key here is to start socialising, it's the only way to meet others.

Neyite

Maybe just try to widen your social circle in general for the time being. Most of my dates over the years came from friend-of-friend, friend-of-flatmate or friend-of-work colleague type scenarios. I do think that doing some sort of hobby or activity that gets you out and about will help a lot. But do something that you actually like, rather than something that you are meh about.

Dating women in their late twenties/ early thirties may actually work in your favour now because (generalisation alert!) a lot of the time, what people fancy in our early adulthood is very different to the kind of partner that we could see ourselves settling down with. I can only speak for myself, but by the time I'd hit my late twenties, I was done dating the charmers, players and chancers and just wanted someone nice, normal, who would be respectful in a relationship.

After a dating hiatus I decided to a solid 6 months of saying yes to colleagues and friends inviting me out where my instinctive reaction was to say no and stay home. By late twenties/ early thirties most of my peers were getting fed up with the clubbing scene anyway, preferring quieter pubs with live music or the ability to get a table to sit down at. It wasn't unusual to have several non-drinkers in the group whether that was them being the designated driver, or had a match or sporting event the following day or some who were off the drink for personal reasons. Non drinking is fairly common these days and in some pubs there is a wide range of alcohol free alternatives.

LegacyUser

magicmushroom wrote: »

If you're not willing to join clubs or go to the pub etc, then you can only really rely on internet dating.
That's not working for you so it's time to step put of your comfort zone and try something different.

+ 1 This is the reality OP, if what you have been doing hasn't worked then your going to have to be willing to make an effort and step outside that comfort zone. Even if it doesn't result in dates you'll expand your social circle and get out of the funk. Don't start a club or activity with the idea of 'I must get a date out of this' Just get out and start enjoying yourself doing things you like. You don't like going to the pub, good, lots of people don't. Do something you enjoy and make connections with people and you'll find it's a friend of a friend that you get introduced to that leads further along.

magicmushroom

Neyite wrote: »

Maybe just try to widen your social circle in general for the time being. Most of my dates over the years came from friend-of-friend, friend-of-flatmate or friend-of-work colleague type scenarios. I do think that doing some sort of hobby or activity that gets you out and about will help a lot. But do something that you actually like, rather than something that you are meh about.

Dating women in their late twenties/ early thirties may actually work in your favour now because (generalisation alert!) a lot of the time, what people fancy in our early adulthood is very different to the kind of partner that we could see ourselves settling down with. I can only speak for myself, but by the time I'd hit my late twenties, I was done dating the charmers, players and chancers and just wanted someone nice, normal, who would be respectful in a relationship.

After a dating hiatus I decided to a solid 6 months of saying yes to colleagues and friends inviting me out where my instinctive reaction was to say no and stay home. By late twenties/ early thirties most of my peers were getting fed up with the clubbing scene anyway, preferring quieter pubs with live music or the ability to get a table to sit down at. It wasn't unusual to have several non-drinkers in the group whether that was them being the designated driver, or had a match or sporting event the following day or some who were off the drink for personal reasons. Non drinking is fairly common these days and in some pubs there is a wide range of alcohol free alternatives.

Neyite you make some great points, especially the part I have highlighted in bold.
My local pub is fantastic craic, especially on a Sunday when the sports are on.
I'm not into any sports at all but there's a great atmosphere.
A few of us regularly go up and have a roast, no drink involved.
I met my best friend there and in time, she introduced me to my now boyfriend

Addle

I don't get the reasoning that if you don't drink alcohol, you can't go to a pub.
I was like you op. I went to the pub one evening with friends and met some other people.
As the only non alcohol drinker, I was the designated driver.
My now boyfriend was the last to be dropped home that night...and the rest is history!
Don't entirely cut out the pub scene.

Augme

This going to sound harsh but the chances are the problem isn't the medium, it's the person using the medium. If you're failing at online dating then I'm not sure meeting people in the real world will work any better. 8 dates in 5 years is a terrible return. How come you have had so few dates? Have you not messaged many women? If you've messaged lots of people and gotten no reply then why do you think that is?

Rachiee

I'm pretty much in the same boat 31 virgin never dated. a few years ago I joined a meet up group and it really helped broaden my social circle (still haven't met anyone yet) but it's a great start. the problem could compounded by a lack of confidence (I know it is for me anyway) I won't approach girls who I think are out of my league so that makes my pool much smaller (and I'm not necessarily attracted to the ones that I think are in my league) I only bring this up because if you have fallen into a similar pattern just broadening your social circle or messaging more women online won't be enough and you'll have to also do something to build confidence.
(for me it's time for me to get back into the gym)

so I suppose I'm just saying aswell as trying some of the group's on meet up.com (I've heard sober slice is great btw) that it is also worth while checking that you are not self sabotaging because of a feelings of inadequacy and apprehension on the virgin issue (something I get really nervous about whenever I meet a girl in case she thinks its weird at my age) everyone thinks negative things about themselves sometimes but it's important not to let it go unchecked. Good luck OP I literally could have written your post!!! So your not as weird as you think you are and I'd certainly like to think we are not lost causes

Aidan Holland

fedup2015 wrote: »

im sure there have been dozens and dozens of posts on here similar to mine but I just felt that I had to tell someone how I am feeling at the moment. <SNIP>

I can see where your coming from op as I'm 25 and have been in your position and it can be heartbreaking.<SNIP>Anyway in Cork we have this thing called intro dateing which is basically a dating recruitment agency which sets you up maybe there's something like that in your part of the country.

santana75

fedup2015 wrote: »

So I decided to give internet dating a try. this was really and still is my only option of meeting women as the pub/club scene was never ever for me. Being a guy that was always on the shy side I wouldn't have the courage to go up to girls like that.

Have been very down in myself since this as I feel there is no way out. Internet dating isn't working for me and I cant see any other options for me . What is a guy like me to do in this situation? There is only so much effort and time one can put into this before just giving up and facing the reality that im going to be single forever. Lots of people say that by maybe joining clubs or activities would be a way of meeting people but this just isn't for me.

Jesus Op, why are you saying this stuff to yourself? Do you not realise that when you say this stuff you start to believe it and it becomes your reality. Why do you think that Internet dating is your only option? Thats absolute nonsense. You're shy, I get that, but you have allowed your shyness to control you, you've shaped your life around it, instead of standing up for yourself and living your life. You went to internet dating because that way you get to change nothing about yourself or your life. Nothing changes if nothing changes, thats just one of those universal truths in life. Internet dating for you was a way to hide, change nothing and then hope that you'd score a hit. It was never gonna happen. Life is trying to teach you something here, thats the way it works, these lessons are always painful, but always amazing and empowering. You're not living your life authentically, and as a result youre unhappy. But you think your unhappiness is because you dont have a girlfriend to love you. Its a common enough belief, that if you had someone to love you then you'd be happy. But its not true. That kind of happiness can only be achieved by loving and connecting with yourself. Only after you've done that is it possible to love other people. If you dont love and connect with yourself, then looking to someone else to do that job is something that is never gonna happen. So many people do it and they end up miserable because they think the responsibility for loving them is someone elses job. Its not, its an inside job that has nothing to do with anyone else.
Op your job is to connect with yourself, because trust me, you're not there right now. You would be happy and content and love would come to you, if you were. Love is not something you take from another person, its something you have for yourself and then you want to share it with others. So please step away from internet dating because thats just a miserable and desperate place for you. Stop chasing after women and looking for them to love you. Start working on yourself and tapping into what is already inside of you but you somehow lost contact with at some early stage in your life. Theres an amazing book by Margaret Paul called, Healing your aloness, please read it.

Sheog

santana75 wrote: »

Jesus Op, why are you saying this stuff to yourself? Do you not realise that when you say this stuff you start to believe it and it becomes your reality. Why do you think that Internet dating is your only option? Thats absolute nonsense. You're shy, I get that, but you have allowed your shyness to control you, you've shaped your life around it, instead of standing up for yourself and living your life. You went to internet dating because that way you get to change nothing about yourself or your life. Nothing changes if nothing changes, thats just one of those universal truths in life. Internet dating for you was a way to hide, change nothing and then hope that you'd score a hit. It was never gonna happen. Life is trying to teach you something here, that's the way it works, these lessons are always painful, but always amazing and empowering. You're not living your life authentically, and as a result youre unhappy. But you think your unhappiness is because you dont have a girlfriend to love you. Its a common enough belief, that if you had someone to love you then you'd be happy. But its not true. That kind of happiness can only be achieved by loving and connecting with yourself. Only after you've done that is it possible to love other people. If you dont love and connect with yourself, then looking to someone else to do that job is something that is never gonna happen. So many people do it and they end up miserable because they think the responsibility for loving them is someone elses job. Its not, its an inside job that has nothing to do with anyone else.
Op your job is to connect with yourself, because trust me, you're not there right now. You would be happy and content and love would come to you, if you were. Love is not something you take from another person, its something you have for yourself and then you want to share it with others. So please step away from internet dating because thats just a miserable and desperate place for you. Stop chasing after women and looking for them to love you. Start working on yourself and tapping into what is already inside of you but you somehow lost contact with at some early stage in your life. Theres an amazing book by Margaret Paul called, Healing your aloness, please read it.

Really great words of wisdom here! I just want to add to it by suggesting op that you talk to someone like a reputable life coach or try out some courses that build confidence.

I was very unhappy due to being stuck in the wrong career path about 5 years ago. I was miserable and stressed out and it impacted my performance at work to the point that my confidence was through the floor. The more I failed to perform at work, the worse my confidence got and the more stressed I became. It was like a never ending circle of destruction.

A friend suggested I get counseling or go to a life coach which I did. It was exactly what I need. They asked me questions to get me to think about what it was I really wanted to do. (A question I had always avoided asking myself.) They also gave me coping strategies to help me to focus on the things I was doing well as opposed to obsessing about the mistakes. The result was a complete change in my own attitude, which lead to better performance at work, an improvement in my confidence and a reduction in stress levels. Ultimately it freed up my mind and got me to focus on what I really wanted. About 6 months later I was headhunted by my current company and I have been so much happier since.

Apologies for the long windiness. I know my example is not relating to romantic relationships but it does highlight the importance of the relationship you have with yourself. Best of luck!!

alias06

I'm in much the same situation OP and I recently took up yoga. I'm doing it everyday now. I am not only getting all the mental and physical benefits but I also gradually getting to know more women through the classes. I would really recommend it. Just do the yoga for the good of your health and you'll eventually getting to know girls who share a similar interest.

stickyfinger

I'd agree with others who are saying that you should try chasing up some hobbies, perhaps nothing will come out of it in terms of meeting someone there, but maybe it might give you something fun to do, perhaps make some new friends and maybe you might end up meeting someone through them, or just happier with life.

There's an online dating forum here which you could ask for advice on either, I don't have enough posts to join it yet myself but it might have some good advice for making the most of online dating!

ILikeBananas

fedup2015 wrote: »

Just feel like breaking down and crying about the whole thing but then what good is that going to do? Im a nice guy, have been told im good looking. Everything else is going for me except the relationship/dating department.

Hi OP, reading your post the bolded piece above jumped out at me. It's such a common complaint for men to complain that they are unsuccessful with women despite them being 'nice guys' that there's a term for it: "nice guy syndrome". I'll let you google that yourself but one of the main "symptoms" of this is massive amounts of neediness. Neediness is basically dating kryptonite. Women can sense it a mile off and it's a big turn off. The difficult thing is that if you have been unsuccessful in the past then naturally this is only going to ramp up your neediness. It's a vicious cycle.

That's not your biggest immediate problem though. After all you can't mess up your dates if you're not actually having any of them. The number of dates you've been on for the duration of time you've being online dating is, to be it bluntly, not good. It sounds like your first task should be in improving your skills in that department: working on your profile, opening messages, conversation etc. There's an online dating sub forum for which you can request access to on here where you'll find people who'll be able to help you with all that. It probably took a lot of courage to write your post. That's good as you'll need more of that in the future. Best of luck OP.

Fr. Jemima Racktouey

OP I can identify a lot with what you say in your post. I know you're probably down on yourself for not being more successful in your romantic pursuits but you've achieved way more than I have. I'm a similar age (29) and am a virgin too (which gets me very down and plays on my mind a fair bit). At least you've kissed a few girls in your time, I haven't even managed that so don't be too hard on yourself.

I was always painfully shy to the point of avoiding socialising from my adolescence onwards. I didn't drink only rarely and so avoided pubs and especially nightclubs. I would have more time for a pub nowadays as I'm more inclined to have a drink and it's easier to have a chat. IMO I've always believed nightclubs suit good looking people more (I'd be deficient in the looks department) as it's more a looks based criteria for hooking up and one cannot show their personality due to noise, frantic nature etc.

Anyways at least you're trying to meet someone and perhaps need some fine tuning. My advice would be
- stick with internet dating. As said before review your profile and make changes if need be.
- do some activity be it gym, running, walking, whatever. I found it makes me feel better and gives you a more positive attitude
- I know it's a cliche but try join something you enjoy doing or learn a new skill or attend a class. You'll meet new people and maybe expand your social circle. Thing about cliches is they tend to be true.
- as your horizons expand who knows maybe you might meet the sister of a friend or acquaintance. I've seen a lot of couples who've met purely as a result of this.

I'm currently trying to turn around my life from being very introverted and inhibited about everything I do. I've come to the realisation that things won't magically change for any of us, that we've got to enact change in our lives. As somebody once said to me if you don't go out to meet new people there's nobody that's going to come knocking on your door looking for you. Good luck in the future.

castaway_lady

I need to throw my two cents worth in here (a few years ago I posted here too similarly (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056743522) so I can tell you from the other side of the dilemma that you can get what you want. I had a lot of the same tale, not a drinker/clubber, less experience than you etc etc. The stream of advice I got here was quite good and I took some time to mull over it all as I was set on quitting online dating at that stage after a few 'mishaps'......

Right so here's my advice:
Don't despair at this stage. It's a lot too soon for that. But don't quit all efforts either. Start with not bothering to compare yourself to those with a wife and kids- they're not all happy and fulfilled either!
Actually let yourself explore the possibility first of "what if you stayed single forever?".....it's the thought us longterm singletons battle with and cry over most I think. But answer the question, you'll probably find the answer lies somewhere in the middle of "it's not what I want but there are worse things in the world to experience". There get that out of the way and then onwards and upwards.....

Definitely do stuff. Logic says a woman wont appear on the door step for you....so doing nothing wont improve the odds. But that 'stuff' doesn't have to be a woman hunt either, go to the gym or join something you're interested in for you- without labelling it as hunting territory purely. But don't waste your lifetime day to day doing nothing in life because one area isn't working. Plus sitting at home wont make you more interesting either.

Online dating worked for me...but only after it failed numerous times to the extent that I was going to join the nuns. So I have a philosophy on handling it with the value of hindsight:
- Message a few people at the same time. It stops you getting hung up on one "ideal"
- Have a chat with yourself when you start to think "this is the one", too early to tell, substitute that with "this is the one im meeting today".
- Message for a week or two or three first.
- Don't do café/pub for the meet up unless they really push it. Do something active and interesting as oppose to just sit and look at each other hoping the conversation doesn't die. It'll help you look more interesting too and take the pressure off.
- The one's where it doesn't work out end up like that for a good reason, one that you'll only appreciate with the value of good old hindsight. So when they disappear, let them go and think "next".
- If you think you need a break from it , take one but keep snooping.
- Use a few online dating sites, (pof/match/ okcupid) - the more tickets you have in the lottery the better your chances.
- Be fairly honest on your profile. Use a recent and decent photo. No harm in saying what you're not interested in too, weed time wasters out early.

As for the virgin thing. Honestly it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to the right person, nor does not having a blank relationship cv. It just means you're not fractured or scarred from previous experiences either. The rest you figure out as you go from day to day with someone.

To finish, I don't think getting a partner would make someone who was generally miserable, happy. It does make life richer and cosier!
Most of all know from someone who has been in your shoes and there with a few extra years on the clock that it can happen and all the stuff we tell ourselves about experience and age means nothing in reality.

Best of luck.