The embarrassment of having no mates..

LegacyUser

I don't have many friends. I am 29 going on 30 and my whole life I have struggled with making and maintaining friendships ..mainly maintaining them.

My closest friends live in other countries - and I try to keep in touch with them - but struggle.

I don't know why I find it so difficult to socialise - I mean don't get me wrong I am not shy - I get on with most people I meet - in work I hang out with a big group and joke and act normal - but I don't feel all that normal - I often feel like I am acting - - and when people ask me what I did at the weekend - I normally lie.

I find it really easy to have bursts of energy with people and people really warm to me and I make them laugh - but I don't know what it is - I often find it to be such an effort to maintain it - like for example I hate phones - I hate whatsapp - I hate the constant need to keep in touch with people - if my phone rings I rarely answer it unless it is a family member - the whole phone facebook crap really bothers me.

I am beginning to think there is something very wrong with me, and I cry alot wondering what is wrong with me and why I suck at life. why is all of this so difficult for me?

I feel like a complete phony and despise myself.

Now I do go out normally with my siblings and their friends - I think my sister invites me out because she feels sorry for me, but that is okay - I appreciate that.

Tonight - my housemates - who I get on well with - and I have socialised with them - have said they want to have a house party in the next few weeks. I am filled with absolute dread about them saying to me ....".. so who are you going to invite?" and I have no one.

It is like this endless cycle - made friends with house mates - now they want to know who my other friends are...round and round it goes -

I realise I sound like a total contradiction - like I want friends, but don't try to keep them ..i'm happy by myself - and it makes me feel sick that I would only want friends - just to have someone to invite to some crappy house party - so my (hopefully) new housemate friends will think I have other friends - I mean how shallow is that?


When I see people out in big groups - or my sisters with all their friends who they love - It is like a different world to me - It has stopped me from seeking a relationship, because who wants to date someone who has no close friends, wouldn't some guy run a mile from a woman who hasn't in her 30 years been able to form solid friendships?

I don't understand myself. Does anyone have similar feelings? Apologies for the long inarticulate rant.

pgj2015

failingatlife wrote: »

I don't have many friends. I am 29 going on 30 and my whole life I have struggled with making and maintaining friendships ..mainly maintaining them.

My closest friends live in other countries - and I try to keep in touch with them - but struggle.

I don't know why I find it so difficult to socialise - I mean don't get me wrong I am not shy - I get on with most people I meet - in work I hang out with a big group and joke and act normal - but I don't feel all that normal - I often feel like I am acting - - and when people ask me what I did at the weekend - I normally lie.

I find it really easy to have bursts of energy with people and people really warm to me and I make them laugh - but I don't know what it is - I often find it to be such an effort to maintain it - like for example I hate phones - I hate whatsapp - I hate the constant need to keep in touch with people - if my phone rings I rarely answer it unless it is a family member - the whole phone facebook crap really bothers me.

I am beginning to think there is something very wrong with me, and I cry alot wondering what is wrong with me and why I suck at life. why is all of this so difficult for me?

I feel like a complete phony and despise myself.

Now I do go out normally with my siblings and their friends - I think my sister invites me out because she feels sorry for me, but that is okay - I appreciate that.

Tonight - my housemates - who I get on well with - and I have socialised with them - have said they want to have a house party in the next few weeks. I am filled with absolute dread about them saying to me ....".. so who are you going to invite?" and I have no one.

It is like this endless cycle - made friends with house mates - now they want to know who my other friends are...round and round it goes -

I realise I sound like a total contradiction - like I want friends, but don't try to keep them ..i'm happy by myself - and it makes me feel sick that I would only want friends - just to have someone to invite to some crappy house party - so my (hopefully) new housemate friends will think I have other friends - I mean how shallow is that?


When I see people out in big groups - or my sisters with all their friends who they love - It is like a different world to me - It has stopped me from seeking a relationship, because who wants to date someone who has no close friends, wouldn't some guy run a mile from a woman who hasn't in her 30 years been able to form solid friendships?

I don't understand myself. Does anyone have similar feelings? Apologies for the long inarticulate rant.

Hi op, I can kind of relate to you I think,although I have friends, I sometimes might not see them for a month or two, and I am quiet happy with that to be honest, I like my own company, a nightmare to me would be friends who would call to my house every day, I would feel smothered. sometimes when I make a new friend and if they are constantly texting or ringing me, I regret ever making friends with them.

You are likely an introvert and there is nothing wrong with that, also if I met a women I liked I wouldn't care if she had 100 friends or 0, I prefer women who are different,they are usually more interesting and smarter than most women, there is nothing worse than an x factor watching, facebook and iphone obsessed clone of most other women. there is no such thing as normal.

its normal for lots of people in Ireland these days to have very few or no friends due to immigration, just tell people that if they ask about your friends.

Starokan

Hi op, you clearly have no problem in making friends , some people are not into whats app/facebook etc and you know that's fine. What I am not getting from your post is whether you actually want to keep friendships going or not?

If you do all you have to do is be a little bit more pro active and develop it further by maintaining contact or arranging a night out here and there.

If you don't and prefer the solitary lifestyle then that's fine too but you need to make the choice.

The party is becoming a big issue in your mind, there's no need to make it that way, just say you have invited a couple of friends or colleagues but your not sure they can make it. From my reading of your post you will be fine at the party and well able to mingle either way.

Friends can be made anywhere and anytime, they do not have to be friends from childhoods, if your able to socialise with your housemates that for me would be friends, its up to you to decide if you want to keep those friendships going as you move on in life.

You seem to be judging yourself a lot, from my reading of things you have nothing to judge yourself on , your able to socialise, mingle carry on conversations when your out or in work, that's all good yet your judging yourself on not having friends, they are all friends, if you want to make them close ones then just put in a small bit more effort and you wont have any problems.

On the whole dating thing, I am a guy and while I can only speak for myself I am reasonably confident when I say that it would not even register as a concern for anyone.

Anyone you date will be interested in you, in spending time with you, do not let what's become an issue in your mind prevent you from dating someone

Ave Sodalis

OP, you're completely normal and you need to stop comparing yourself to other people. Just because you don't keep in contact all day every day, doesn't make any friendship less. There is no set criteria of what you have to do to be friends. Since May, I've seen my group of friends once. We're still friends. We talk every few weeks or so, whenever it takes someones fancy. We have a private page on Facebook where we might share something interesting every so often. And that's really the extent of our contact, but we're still friends. We are all just very independent people. Even myself and my boyfriend don't talk every day, it could be anything up to a week before we have a conversation and that's perfectly fine because that's what works for us.

Now, some people wouldn't be able to cope. Some people need to talk to their friends every day, which is grand when they're in a group of friends who are like that. In fact, I would say majority of people need constant communication. I've lost a great deal of friends who think I just don't care enough about them, until I found the group of friends I have now. And yet, I found (probably purely coincidental) that those who need to talk every day have more superficial friendships, formed on the basis of their need for companionship, as opposed to actually enjoying the people they're with. I have no friends of note at home, where I am now because I'm not the type of person who needs to talk daily. My cousin, like your sister, often invites me out with his friends because, like your sister, he feels sorry for me. However, unlike you, I see it more as he doesn't understand I do have friends, I just don't need to talk to them constantly.

There's a whole host of reasons for this including introvertism, but it doesn't really matter why. Just know that you aren't unusual, you just haven't met many people who only need a quick check in every so often and the knowledge that you'll be there if they do need you.

via4

I could have written that post. I am in the same boat. I really like this guy but I do not want to go for it because it will become obvious that I do not have friends or go out and socialise with people. The embarrassement of that is enough to ma me not want to pursue this guy!! I wish I had advice for you buddy I really do except just keep trying and a lot of people hate fb but it is a good way of connecting with people.

fluffybiscuits

Making friends is not easy but at the same time it is not hard either.

Meetup.com has a list of events that are organised (people like the new in Dublin events, the singels events and the adventure activities)

Voluntary work

Take up a course

Take up a sport

miamee

As others have already pointed out, not wanting to communicate constantly with people is perfectly normal even though it can be hard to believe these days with the multiple ways we have of communicating at any moment of the day! Lots of people prefer their own company some or a lot of the time and that's ok. I can be of a similar disposition myself; if I spend too much time with people I end up feeling a bit trapped and like I need a few hours of peace and quiet regardless of who the people are, friends, family or other.

As far as the party in your house goes - you have mentioned several people who you could invite - your work group, your siblings and 'their' friends. I'm sure if you hang out with all of them from time to time that these people are also your friends regardless of whose friend they were first. Invite a few people, tell the housemates as above that you've invited x, y and z from work and a few others from home and your siblings and that should be more than enough whether they all come along or not

HIB

Are you even going to enjoy this party?
Sounds to me like you're just an introverted personality. Nothing wrong with that.
Tell your housemates its not really your cup of tea, you don't like crowds, and that you'll probably give it a miss.

Maybe hard to imagine in this modern hyper connected Brady bunch happy clappy Facebook world of ours, but some people just like their own company, and don't thrive on social interaction. Horses for courses.

LegacyUser

Hi OP I recognised a lot of myself in your post.

I'm find going out with a group really easy - I'm that blonde bubbly one who talks to everyone and is always laughing. But when I wasn't out with a group I was pretty much on my own other than hanging out with my sisters.

My worst nightmare was Monday mornings when people asked you about the weekend. I still get massive pangs when people talk about going on holiday with friends. Imagine!

I make friends easily initially but really struggled with maintining the friendship "privately" if you know what I mean. I felt hugely awkward phoning people - like I was bugging them. Then I started to feel awkward texting, what do you even text people when you're not arranging something with them? What if they're rolling their eyes to get a text from you?

To this day my text awkwardness persists btw, but I got Viber and realised I could send pics for free it got easier as instead of a text i could (occasionally - not enough to bug) send a funny photo of something i had spotted. The only onus on the recipient is to say "Ha ha" so I don't feel I'm bugging anyone. And then if they respond more i.e. "Brilliant! Hey, what are you up to?" its great cos then its like them texting me, if you know what I mean.

And now people send me photos too which I can easily respond to, so that has helped a bit.

Also FB has been brilliant for me. I can comment on peoples posts and its like I'm maintaining the connection without making an eejit of myself.

And via Fb I routinely get invited to nights out (cos I'm in peoples minds I suppose) and as I said i have no problem with group nights out.

So don't reject electronic things - they're a godsend for people with social anxiety.

I also find FB Messaging much easier for getting in touch with peolple privately, if I really do want to see how they are. The reason being that ppl aren't always checking FB so you don't think anything of it if they take 2 days to answer. Whereas with text you know they've seen it and are just not answering!

So generally for "hey, hows life?" messages with people I choose FB Messanger.

Wow this makes me look very anxious lol. None of the people I actually know would believe I think/worry so much. But its all about finding tools to enable you to communicate within your capabilities.

eviltwin

I find it hard to make friends, I'm sociable, friendly and I know a lot of people but it's getting to the stage where I can become friends in the true sense of the word that I struggle. I think I'm a slight introvert so I'm never going to be the type of person people gravitate towards and that's okay. I used meetup and have to say I've found it really positive. The group I'm in is for people like me so they get me and I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. Do consider joining a meetup group because friendship is the primary goal of most who join.

Mick Murdock

It's difficult to know whether you purposely don't maintain friends or you are just unable to.

Some people who find it difficult to do so hide behind a solitary 'persona' when really they wish to be like everybody else. Ie. It's a defense mechanism.

If people judge you by how friends you have then they're likely not worth knowing anyway. It's really not something people (at least ones I know) give much thought to. At a certain age most people lose touch with people and only see them sparingly.

Phones/fb/whatsapp are a part of a lot of people's everyday lives but if its not your thing just don't do it. There are a lot more people out there like you than you realise.

If you are happy enough being on your own do just that and be happy with yourself.

If you'd prefer to have a group of friends I think FB etc. Make contact easy. If you meet people out with your sisters add them to fb at some point or comment on pics from the night out etc. I don't use it myself but it's a great way to break down barriers.