Friends all coupled up and don't make much of an effort anymore

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
just wondering if anyone ever experienced what I am feeling and if so, what did you do about it?
I am female, 28 and recently ended a six month relationship. I have many individual friends but there is a group of 9 of us who went through college together and would have stayed in pretty good contact up until recently. Out of the 9 of us everybody bar 2 are in relationships and of late I am feeling hurt and disappointed by their lack of effort to meet up whether for dinner or drinks, or even keeping in contact.
For instance if a night out is planned, more often than not people initially say they are going out and nearer the time it ends up being the two single girls and maybe one other who end up going out. Whether a meal out is planned or even just going to events together, most of the time the meet ups never happen as people cancel or some don't reply in the group text whether they are going or not.
Two weeks ago it was my birthday and the week previously I had broken up with my boyfriend. Another friend from a different group asked me to go out for dinner and drinks the Saturday night for my birthday but there was unforseen circumstances which led to the night out not taking place. My other friends knew this and I had said I had no plans for the Saturday night and nobody offered to even go for coffee or anything. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect a big song and dance for my birthday but I would have thought after the end of my relationship they might have offered to meet up at some point. I ended up spending the night of my birthday at home with my parents.
It may sound like there is jealousy coming across in this post but when I had a boyfriend I still made an effort with friends and even though he lived an hour away, when there was dinner or drinks planned with friends I never cancelled. I guess lately I have been left quite hurt and let down by people I have known for ten years. It feels like now they have relationships they have no interest in doing anything with friends anymore. The last time we met up as a group was last February and it was only because the other single girl in the group got annoyed at the lack of effort and told them so but it only improved for about two weeks.
I guess my main question is if I am wrong to feel this way. I understand that when friends get into relationships things change and they may not want to or can't afford to go out a lot and that's fine. I am just wondering if I bring it up with them will they say there was jealousy on my part and I am only bitter given our circumstances.
Any advice from others in same situations would be most appreciated.
Thank you.

Lux23

It's only going to get worse, I wouldn't really make a big deal out of it. You're only 28 though, so surely you're not against joining meetup.com and making some new friends?

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry OP but this is a part of life. If only more people were as considerate of their friends as you are. Life just isn't fair.

All I can suggest to you is to get out there and meet new people and make new friends. You're getting to the stage of your life where your friends are going to get very wrapped up in their own relationships and their own friends. I know how it feels -I've been there.

CaraMay

This is part of growing up op. I think thè older I get the more I realise that people don't do what I do and people don't do what I expect of them. The point is that they won't stay in touch just because it's what you do. You are setting yourself up for a fall if you expect to be treated like you treat them.

You can (a) say something or (b) start working on merging new friends. I would go with b if it were me.

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same situation OP. You should join Girlcrew on facebook! There's hundreds of girls in the exact same or similar situations & this group has been a lifesaver for me.

baby and crumble

I understand where you're coming from OP but to be honest this slow-down in meeting up isn't just due to being in relationships. As people get older priorities change and preferences of how to spend time change, too. I see my friends from school/ college maybe 3 times a year. They've got kids, none of us are big into nights out, we're buying houses so money is tight, all that. Sometimes too you just have to let go of old friendships- I'm not saying dump people you still get on with but start looking for others who are more in sync with where you're at now.

xXLaneyXx

Hi Op,

Unfortunately this is just part of life. Although I am in a relationship for the past 4 years, I have in those 4 years continued to do my best to keep in contact with friends but I have learned that some folk just aren't interested in making the effort to do the same. I have friends that are married, some not but it really depends on the person themselves and not the relationship status when it comes to making that effort.
I have friends that would go out of their way to come and see me as much as possible as I would for them and then others that I might not hear from for months on end but that's ok. I've just accepted that everyone has different attitudes and outlooks in life and I cant expect my friends to all feel the same way I do. I hold no ill feeling towards the ones I don't see because their priorities in life are just a little different from mine. My own will possibly change in the years ahead but I hope that no will hold that against me.
I held on as best I could for a good few years initiating contact and organising meet-ups which fell through on many occasions but as I said I learned to accept that some friends will just always be there, some not. I joined up to a fitness club 2 years ago and I have developed some really fantastic new relationships with girls of my age and now have a whole new group of friends who I meet up with regularly outside the club. Between them and the older friends my social calendar fills up quite a lot much to my BF's annoyance sometimes..:D:p
Get out there OP and meet some new folk, life is too short to hang about waiting for others the make the effort you expect. As another poster said you'll end up disappointed... constantly!!

tomwaterford

In a scarily similar position OP...have to just try find new friends etc I guess...as for how...I just dunno

silverbolt

wait till they get married and have kids.

LegacyUser

Op I'm in the exact same shoes! Although 80% of my friends are single they still dont want to meet up and do things,it's so frustrating.
I am half tempted to give meetup.com a go. I don't mind my own company but it gets old after a while. Just know you're not alone op

santana75

every1movingon wrote: »

I guess my main question is if I am wrong to feel this way. I understand that when friends get into relationships things change and they may not want to or can't afford to go out a lot and that's fine. I am just wondering if I bring it up with them will they say there was jealousy on my part and I am only bitter given our circumstances.
Any advice from others in same situations would be most appreciated.
Thank you.

Youre definitely not wrong to feel the way you feel. Your feelings are a guide, so trust them. As has been said already OP, this is just one of those things that happens in life. You cant get people to do what you want them to do, the only thing you can do is let them go and if they decide they want to be part of your life then they'll make an effort, otherwise you just have to grieve the loss of those friendships and then move on. Dont let this change you though, I mean you sound like a good friend, even when you were in a relationship you thought about others. Unfortunately not everyone is like that, in fact, you'd be in the minority, but thats a good thing, you just have to be careful who you give that kind of loyalty to in future. Dont allow yourself to be used, even if it means going it alone. And to be honest you probably will go through a period where you'll need to branch out and do things on your own, but its a great thing, its a blessing in disguise because its only by heading out on your own into the world, that you find out who you really are.
I'd avoid meet-ups though, it sounds good on paper but the reality is something different. Just be brave and try some things you think you might like, not to meet people but because you've always wanted to give it a go. If you can find your passions, trust me, people will be drawn to you automatically without you even trying. Its all about finding out about yourself, not about chasing after people.

Addle

It's tough OP, but it's just life.
I've been there.
You have to surround yourself with people who will enjoy the same lifestyle as you, ie. other single people.
Until you couple up and then your new friends will give out about you!

Ellie2008

I'm sorry but it is wrong that none of your supposed friends so much as bothered to take you out for a coffee for your birthday!

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks for the replies everyone. I ended up being upset again over the weekend as one friend asked if I was only going out with the guy I was seeing so I wouldn't be on my own as everyone else in the group is with someone and maybe I didn't have the feelings for him because he was some kind of stop gap. That kind of hurt me as while the relationship didn't work out I wouldn't think so little of someone just to be with someone as a stop gap and because I didn't want to be on my own.
There was a text message sent out in the whats app group about dinner on Saturday night. Only 3 of the group could go and one girl said she was bringing her boyfriend because he was up for the weekend. Needless to say the dinner didn't go ahead as myself and the other girl didn't fancy going out for dinner with them as a couple and thought it was a bit wrong of her to say he was going.
Anyway I guess after the weekend I am more upset than ever. I know I can't say it to my friends because it would probably be only seen as jealousy but already I find myself having less of an interest in texting or ringing them as I would normally. I have other friends who even though are with boyfriends, aren't as neglecting of friendships but they are individuals who wouldn't know each other and are all in different areas of the country.
Weekends are the hardest, in the last 8 weekends I have spent 4 on my own in my rented house, 2 with my parents and there was a night at the cinema and one night out.
It helps to know there are others in the same boat, and I guess I need to plan my weekends so I am kept busy and don't have time to get upset.

CaraMay

We'll tbh op you are at fault here too. Why wouldn't you go out with your friend and her bf? So what if they are a couple? There were going to be 4 of ye going put for the night. It could have been great crack.

I would say you aren't helping yourself tbh. Your friend now knows that you wouldn't go out with her because her bf was going to be there so what motivation will she have to go out with you again. You are trying to be puppet master of your friends and getting annoyed when they don't dance to your tune. The 4 of ye could have had a great night but you chose to sit at home and give out about your friend instead. Are you alienating your friends through your attitude to them op?

baby and crumble

every1movingon wrote: »

There was a text message sent out in the whats app group about dinner on Saturday night. Only 3 of the group could go and one girl said she was bringing her boyfriend because he was up for the weekend. Needless to say the dinner didn't go ahead as myself and the other girl didn't fancy going out for dinner with them as a couple and thought it was a bit wrong of her to say he was going.

I don't really understand this. Why is it a problem? I've never really understood this whole thing, where it has be the "the girls" or "the guys" out on their own for the night, can't be all going out together kind of thing. Maybe your friend wanted you guys to get to know her boyfriend better? You do know guys and girls can all be friends, and just hang out together, right?

You're 28, OP. Not to sound harsh but I think you need to grow up slightly, cutting off your nose to spite your face is a tad childish. I would often go and hang out with my married friends by myself, or invite my single friends over to dinner with myself and my GF because we're all friends. It's not like they were going to be wearing the face off each other if they're out with you is it?

kunst nugget

People's priorities change and there's less of a need to live in each other's pockets as there was when you're younger. I think you need to not rely on other people for your happiness and not take it as a personal affront when your friends don't want to go out every weekend.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

I don't really understand this. Why is it a problem? I've never really understood this whole thing, where it has be the "the girls" or "the guys" out on their own for the night, can't be all going out together kind of thing. Maybe your friend wanted you guys to get to know her boyfriend better? You do know guys and girls can all be friends, and just hang out together, right?

You're 28, OP. Not to sound harsh but I think you need to grow up slightly, cutting off your nose to spite your face is a tad childish. I would often go and hang out with my married friends by myself, or invite my single friends over to dinner with myself and my GF because we're all friends. It's not like they were going to be wearing the face off each other if they're out with you is it?

+ 1 I just went on holidays for 10 days in Norway with my best friend and his fiance. We've been friends for years and he started dating her about fours ago and the two of us get on like a house on fire. All three of us love to travel, myself and my friend have been travling together already and now the three of us go. They do go off for the odd 'couples' trips but I've not felt put out at all.

Loads of my friends are married or in long term relationships, several have kids, I've not noticed a massive impact on my social life as a result. Either you need new friends or maybe need to rethink how you interact with your friends. If your friend would have brought her BF and spent the night ignoring you and just talking to him then you need to new friends but if that wasn't going to be the case and you just didn't want him coming cus he wasn't part of 'your group' then it's time to grow up OP.

santana75

CaraMay wrote: »

We'll tbh op you are at fault here too. Why wouldn't you go out with your friend and her bf? So what if they are a couple? There were going to be 4 of ye going put for the night. It could have been great crack.

I would say you aren't helping yourself tbh. Your friend now knows that you wouldn't go out with her because her bf was going to be there so what motivation will she have to go out with you again. You are trying to be puppet master of your friends and getting annoyed when they don't dance to your tune. The 4 of ye could have had a great night but you chose to sit at home and give out about your friend instead. Are you alienating your friends through your attitude to them op?

I disagree with this. I think the Op is right to stick to her values and beliefs around what constitutes friendship. Theres an old saying, never go no place where you're only barely tolerated. Real friendship is something you know and feel at a deep level, if theres something that doesnt feel right, which sounds like the case here, you gotta listen to that intuition. Judge people by their actions and here it looks like the Ops friends arent so bothered.

LegacyUser

It was my other single friend who said first of all that she didn't want to go when this friend was bringing her boyfriend and the reason being is that this boyfriend can be quite rude to ys and they would spend much of the time whispering to each other while others are there. We have known him about 8 years at this stage as we knew him through college and he doesn't make much of an effort with anyone. So that was my reasoning for not going to dinner, forgot to mention earlier.
Obviously I need to become more independent which will be difficult as I would consider myself pretty independent already, would just be a lot happier to meet up with friends an odd time and feel that people have an interest in keeping friendship alive.
I guess with the break up of my relationship and my birthday coming so soon and the fact that friends don't seem to be there like they used to means this has upset me moreso recently.
Thanks for replies, hopefully things will improve.

PinkLemonade

santana75 wrote: »

I disagree with this. I think the Op is right to stick to her values and beliefs around what constitutes friendship. Theres an old saying, never go no place where you're only barely tolerated. Real friendship is something you know and feel at a deep level, if theres something that doesnt feel right, which sounds like the case here, you gotta listen to that intuition. Judge people by their actions and here it looks like the Ops friends arent so bothered.

I didn't see there anything in the the post to suggest she had a particular problem the boyfriend, it read more that she doesn't want to include boyfriends in friends nights out.

If I'd a friend like that i wouldn't be bothered maintaining the friendship, if you don't want to hang out with her and her OH, your choice, just don't complain about being left out

tomwaterford

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I didn't see there anything in the the post to suggest she had a particular problem the boyfriend, it read more that she doesn't want to include boyfriends in friends nights out.

If I'd a friend like that i wouldn't be bothered maintaining the friendship, if you don't want to hang out with her and her OH, your choice, just don't complain about being left out

There is a big difference between hanging out them (couples) on a night out having craic/chatting etc and what passes for a lot of couples who just spend whole time talking etc and the third person hanging around like a spare wheel with no one to talk to...be better at home.....I'm not saying don't bring OHs...but why ask someone along to ignore them?

Ursus Horribilis

every1movingon wrote: »

There was a text message sent out in the whats app group about dinner on Saturday night. Only 3 of the group could go and one girl said she was bringing her boyfriend because he was up for the weekend. Needless to say the dinner didn't go ahead as myself and the other girl didn't fancy going out for dinner with them as a couple and thought it was a bit wrong of her to say he was going.

So what did you expect your friend to do with her boyfriend seeing as he was up for the weekend? Leave him at home? Sorry OP but I'm wondering do you still have a much younger person's idea of what a friendship is? Whether you like it or not, when your friends get to a certain age there's far more of a likelihood that their other half will be coming along too.

I think it was rude of you to turn down that invite. If your friend wanted to be alone with her boyfriend that evening she would not have invited you. She extended the invite and got it thrown back in her face. I bet you'll not be asked again any time soon

kunst nugget

santana75 wrote: »

I disagree with this. I think the Op is right to stick to her values and beliefs around what constitutes friendship. Theres an old saying, never go no place where you're only barely tolerated. Real friendship is something you know and feel at a deep level, if theres something that doesnt feel right, which sounds like the case here, you gotta listen to that intuition. Judge people by their actions and here it looks like the Ops friends arent so bothered.

That's just trotting out a load of clichés tbh. Friendships aren't some magical bond, they're mostly fluid relationships between different people at different points in their life. Some last, some don't. Honestly, I'm married with kids and I live away from my home town, as do most of my old friends and we only meet up very rarely - maybe one or twice a year of even that. It suits us as we all have our own lives to get on with and our own families and circle of friends and acquaintances wherever we live. I'll be honest I'd hate to feel obliged to meet up with them all the time. It's not what I want from their friendship and quite honestly pubs and clubs really ain't my scene much these days. If me and the wife were going to meet up with friends and they didn't want her there, barring a stag do, I think I could do without that friendship tbh.

CaraMay

tomwaterford wrote: »

There is a big difference between hanging out them (couples) on a night out having craic/chatting etc and what passes for a lot of couples who just spend whole time talking etc and the third person hanging around like a spare wheel with no one to talk to...be better at home.....I'm not saying don't bring OHs...but why ask someone along to ignore them?

There would have been 4 of them going out

messy tessy

CaraMay wrote: »

We'll tbh op you are at fault here too. Why wouldn't you go out with your friend and her bf? So what if they are a couple? There were going to be 4 of ye going put for the night. It could have been great crack.

I would say you aren't helping yourself tbh. Your friend now knows that you wouldn't go out with her because her bf was going to be there so what motivation will she have to go out with you again. You are trying to be puppet master of your friends and getting annoyed when they don't dance to your tune. The 4 of ye could have had a great night but you chose to sit at home and give out about your friend instead. Are you alienating your friends through your attitude to them op?

Completly disagree with this. If me and my friends has arranged for a girly dinner and catch up, I would be annoyed if one said she HAD to bring her boyfriend. What was wrong with them going to dinner first and meeting up with that guy for drinks after it? It's hardly being a puppet master to want to spend time with just her friends, especially after going through a break up.
Also the comment about her being with her former boyfriend just so she wasn't on her own was really low. I would be really hurt someone could think that of me, let alone say it to my face.

I would suggest to meet up with the person/ people in the group you feel closest too for coffee and tell them how you feel. They genuinely mightn't realise how their behaviour is coming across to you and might make more of an effort. If nothing changes then I'd say try girl crew, meet ups etc.

santana75

kunst nugget wrote: »

That's just trotting out a load of clichés tbh. Friendships aren't some magical bond, they're mostly fluid relationships between different people at different points in their life. Some last, some don't. Honestly, I'm married with kids and I live away from my home town, as do most of my old friends and we only meet up very rarely - maybe one or twice a year of even that. It suits us as we all have our own lives to get on with and our own families and circle of friends and acquaintances wherever we live. I'll be honest I'd hate to feel obliged to meet up with them all the time. It's not what I want from their friendship and quite honestly pubs and clubs really ain't my scene much these days. If me and the wife were going to meet up with friends and they didn't want her there, barring a stag do, I think I could do without that friendship tbh.

But that's the thing, a real friendship isn't some thing you feel obliged to show up for. Maybe you settle for that kind of thing, but not everyone is like that. Some people forge strong and meaningful friendships that are about mutual respect, not flakey relationships were someone you consider a friend doesn't even offer to take you out for a coffee on your birthday. Real friendship exists, but what you describe is more casual aquaintances than anything else. Everyone has lives but still you make time for people, that's a friendship.

Ursus Horribilis

Your update changes things again. If the boyfriend's not a nice person to be around, then I don't blame you for not wanting to hang around with him. As an aside, it's a bit hard to advise here because you're drip-feeding information to us.

Anyway, all you can do is start making changes to your life. Sitting at home getting upset because your friends aren't making an effort is not going to get you anywhere. This is going to get worse unless you become proactive and start doing the legwork yourself.

CaraMay

So who sent the text op to organise the dinner?

kunst nugget

santana75 wrote: »

But that's the thing, a real friendship isn't some thing you feel obliged to show up for. Maybe you settle for that kind of thing, but not everyone is like that. Some people forge strong and meaningful friendships that are about mutual respect, not flakey relationships were someone you consider a friend doesn't even offer to take you out for a coffee on your birthday. Real friendship exists, but what you describe is more casual aquaintances than anything else. Everyone has lives but still you make time for people, that's a friendship.

These are meaningful relationships and we would do anything for each other, I'm just pointing out, using one group of friends as an example, that we don't all live in each others pockets because we all have other priorities in life. Just the same as with my brothers - we love each other and never has there been a falling out in our family but we don't have to meet up constantly to pat each other on the back. In fact it is a very rare occasion where all of us are able to met up. I cherish the friendships that have lasted, plenty haven't, but none of them are going to come before my wife and kids.

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

But that's the thing, a real friendship isn't some thing you feel obliged to show up for. Maybe you settle for that kind of thing, but not everyone is like that. Some people forge strong and meaningful friendships that are about mutual respect, not flakey relationships were someone you consider a friend doesn't even offer to take you out for a coffee on your birthday. Real friendship exists, but what you describe is more casual aquaintances than anything else. Everyone has lives but still you make time for people, that's a friendship.

That's how you define friendship but I wouldn't count meeting up for coffee as being important to a friendship. I went to college in the states so my friends are scattered all over the world, some I don't see for years but when we meet up it's like we only saw each other yesterday. I don't view them as casual aquaintances, if anything I view the people I go out to the pub after work with every week as casual aquaintances as I know if I was in trouble and needed support it would be my friends on the other side of the planet that would be there for me not the coffee shop meet up people. When my father died I knew who my real friends were and who were the flaky people. The OP not wanting to meet up because one person wanted to bring her BF is being a flaky friend, I wouldn't have time for her if that's how she carried on.

LuckyLloyd

every1movingon wrote: »

one girl said she was bringing her boyfriend because he was up for the weekend. Needless to say the dinner didn't go ahead as myself and the other girl didn't fancy going out for dinner with them as a couple and thought it was a bit wrong of her to say he was going

Hmm, don't agree with that at all. You have to get comfortable hanging out with couples imo at a certain point if you want to stay in touch with people, and when organising nights out invite them.