Complete disrespect for my wishes

LegacyUser

I had a milestone birthday recently and about a month previously I happened to find out what my long term partner intended to give me as a gift. It was an expensive item, that many people would love, but I absolutely and emphatically explained to him that I had an actual dislike for the item, and to please not get that for me. It may have been ordered but it was at that time possible for him to cancel it.
I was quite shocked when it was presented to me in front of family on my birthday. Some people took my reaction to mean that I was surprised by such a nice gift but in actual fact I was deeply angry. I felt that it was an ignorant thing to do, when I specifically asked not to be given the object. As time has passed I think I want to sell the gift and use the money for something I would like. but this will look bad for me as my family will argue that I am very ungrateful and will hurt the gift giver, am rude, and it is ridiculous not to like this fantastic gift, I would get to like it! .I am worried that my partner has ignored my wishes in so many things big and little, in the past ,and seems to put his likes before mine at all times, and that he is showing an almost aggressive attitude in not respecting what I ask. I am ready to tear my hair out trying to communicate with him but somehow he doesn't hear me. Or just turns a deaf ear
to what I say. I just don't know what is the best thing to do, I am feeling very inclined to do the assertive thing and sell it.

Penny Tration

Selling it strikes me as a nasty, selfish thing to do, not an assertive thing.

You say he may already have ordered it by the time you spoke to him - if it was already dispatched, he was too late to cancel, and probably didn't have the time to return it and wait for another gift to arrive.

Honestly, it sounds as though your partner went to great effort to find something he thought you may like, and then you threw it back in his face by saying you don't want it.

And he's the one disrespecting you?! I think it's the opposite, you're throwing a gift back in his face and now want to sell it and buy something you want.

That's so horribly selfish and your poor partner must feel absolutely awful.

Poor form, op. You should consider how much your actions have hurt him, and appreciate the gift for what it is - something he thought you'd like.

If you truly believe he goes against your wishes regularly, as you mention, speak to him about it. Don't make it all about a birthday present. Communicate about your relationship, tell him your wishes, and listen to his and accept his. You used the word aggressive, but there doesn't seem to be any aggression at all. Maybe some selfishness, but that's coming from both sides here.

Merkin

If you were very vocal in your dislike for the item prior to your birthday then I would sell it and tell him you are doing so because you'd already expressly told him that you didn't want it.

lurker2000

I can see both sides of the gift situation - something that others feel they would love may be the worst thing imaginable for you. Personally I would hate a spa weekend away, hate massages etc - but I know I'm in a minority. Plus I've also had the wonderful gift that my husband really wanted (A super duper stereo system back in the day !) But your partner may have made a payment for this gift and couldn't back out of it and was hoping you would have changed your mind by the time it came to present it. Men are not great at these things by and large - they usually rush in at the last minute and get foisted with some overpriced tacky merchandise that a sales clerk will dig off the dusty shelf. In your defence here, you did seem to give him clear instructions and enough time to switch to plan B.

But the gift itself is not the issue of course, its the communication barrier that seems to exist between you and your partner. I don't know if you can have a full, open and honest relationship on the basis you describe. Partners need to have respect for each other, to listen and try to adjust to each others separate needs.

Blanking you or not honestly discussing these types of issues is a red flag. A dud gift presentation is small potatoes compared to not discussing financial matters or agreeing on having children etc. its not good that can't seem to get an explanation as to why he proceeded with the gift.

I don't feel you are ungrateful at all, but there could have been a good reason he had to go through with getting this - but as he won't honestly tell you, I would be concerned much more that your relationship will hit the skids when real differences emerge.

LegacyUser

Penny Tration wrote: »

You say he may already have ordered it by the time you spoke to him - if it was already dispatched, he was too late to cancel, and probably didn't have the time to return it and wait for another gift to arrive.

If that was the case why not say that up front to the OP rather then presenting it to her in front of family/friends? She'd already found out what she was getting so it was hardly running the surprise or anything. Just be honest, I got this and it's too late to cancel. Whole thing just strikes me as odd, if my OH told me not to get them something I'd already purchased I'd be up front and say look it's already coming but we'll sort it out. Having a partner tell you they would hate a gift, pretending to listen and then giving the gift anyway in front of family and friends to me is a bit nasty, like forcing the OPs hand to accept something she was clear she didn't want.

Honestly I'd sell it.

MagicMarker

There are no milestone birthdays except your actual birth day.

It was my birthday yesterday and all I got were a couple of texts.

First world problems OP.

Tbh I can't give any further advice without knowing what the actual gift was. Did he buy you car but you don't like the model? In which case you're just being precious.

Neyite

Some people are great at gift giving - they could get something that could cost a tiny amount yet what they have chosen is so thoughtful and something that you cherish and you love it because they knew you so well to know you'd love it. Then others get you something that they would love if they got it, but take no account of what your preferences are.

You told him it wasn't your thing. So I'd say quietly sell it on. Most people these days give gift receipts so that the recipient can exchange if it doesn't suit anyway. Happens all the time where people get wrong sizes, or get jewellery but they are allergic to the metals used, or maybe get a handbag or accessory but its made from animal materials that you are uncomfortable with.

Disrespected wrote: »

I am worried that my partner has ignored my wishes in so many things big and little, in the past ,and seems to put his likes before mine at all times, and that he is showing an almost aggressive attitude in not respecting what I ask. I am ready to tear my hair out trying to communicate with him but somehow he doesn't hear me. Or just turns a deaf ear
to what I say. I just don't know what is the best thing to do, I am feeling very inclined to do the assertive thing and sell it.

Then it's not really about this particular gift, is it? The gift is more like the cherry on top of a series of incidences where your views or opinions or preferences were not taken on board. That's probably making you more frustrated about this gift and will take more than just an ideal gift to fix.

Sunny Dayz

Op after he gifted you with it - did you actually ask him why he gave it to you when you said the him that you didn't want it? What was his reply? What actual reason did he have for getting you something you specifically said you DIDN'T want for your birthday??

Starokan

Seems strange to me that he still gave it to you, the last thing I would want to do is give my partner a gift that I knew she would hate

Is it possible he just didn't actually listen to you when you told him you didn't want it?

Penn

Starokan wrote: »

Is it possible he just didn't actually listen to you when you told him you didn't want it?

Or, considering that it was an expensive item, perhaps he thought OP was saying she didn't want it just as a polite way of saying "You don't have to spend that much money on me" rather than the OP actually not wanting it.

stargazer 68

Penn wrote: »

Or, considering that it was an expensive item, perhaps he thought OP was saying she didn't want it just as a polite way of saying "You don't have to spend that much money on me" rather than the OP actually not wanting it.

Yep. I do this a lot! My OH has taken to not asking me anymore and just doing it - spa treatments, handbags etc. He knows I will say no but secretly love them.

LegacyUser

Penny Tration wrote: »

Selling it strikes me as a nasty, selfish thing to do, not an assertive thing.

You say he may already have ordered it by the time you spoke to him - if it was already dispatched, he was too late to cancel, and probably didn't have the time to return it and wait for another gift to arrive.

Honestly, it sounds as though your partner went to great effort to find something he thought you may like, and then you threw it back in his face by saying you don't want it.

And he's the one disrespecting you?! I think it's the opposite, you're throwing a gift back in his face and now want to sell it and buy something you want.

That's so horribly selfish and your poor partner must feel absolutely awful.



Poor form, op. You should consider how much your actions have hurt him, and appreciate the gift for what it is - something he thought you'd like.

If you truly believe he goes against your wishes regularly, as you mention, speak to him about it. Don't make it all about a birthday present. Communicate about your relationship, tell him your wishes, and listen to his and accept his. You used the word aggressive, but there doesn't seem to be any aggression at all. Maybe some selfishness, but that's coming from both sides here.

He had lots of time to change his decision. I have tried my utmost to communicate clearly with him, to no avail. We are not well off financially and I did not want this gift. I can only imagine that he did it because he wants it himself. I was told "nonsense, you will get to like it". It is a relationship problem, more than a gift giving problem, I see that.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

There are no milestone birthdays except your actual birth day.

It was my birthday yesterday and all I got were a couple of texts.

First world problems OP.

Tbh I can't give any further advice without knowing what the actual gift was. Did he buy you car but you don't like the model? In which case you're just being precious.

Thanks for your reply, and may I wish you a belated happy birthday too. All birthdays are different, some go quietly by and others are more marked for different reasons. Mine has come after a very serious medical diagnosis, but one which I am coping well with. I can assure you I am not being 'precious', and the gift was not a car! (I wish ...:))

meeeeh

I am thinking he either gave you ps4 or a fur coat. If you had ethical objections to the gift then I would be very annoyed. If you just don't like it then just add it to the list of presents that we get in our lifetime and never like.

Anyway if there are other issues then you should discuss them with your partner but a bad gift on its own isn't a big issue in most cases (you probably wouldn't give a leather bag to a vegan and they would have very good reason to be annoyed).

fluffybiscuits

Disrespected wrote: »

I had a milestone birthday recently and about a month previously I happened to find out what my long term partner intended to give me as a gift. It was an expensive item, that many people would love, but I absolutely and emphatically explained to him that I had an actual dislike for the item, and to please not get that for me. It may have been ordered but it was at that time possible for him to cancel it.
I was quite shocked when it was presented to me in front of family on my birthday. Some people took my reaction to mean that I was surprised by such a nice gift but in actual fact I was deeply angry. I felt that it was an ignorant thing to do, when I specifically asked not to be given the object. As time has passed I think I want to sell the gift and use the money for something I would like. but this will look bad for me as my family will argue that I am very ungrateful and will hurt the gift giver, am rude, and it is ridiculous not to like this fantastic gift, I would get to like it! .I am worried that my partner has ignored my wishes in so many things big and little, in the past ,and seems to put his likes before mine at all times, and that he is showing an almost aggressive attitude in not respecting what I ask. I am ready to tear my hair out trying to communicate with him but somehow he doesn't hear me. Or just turns a deaf ear
to what I say. I just don't know what is the best thing to do, I am feeling very inclined to do the assertive thing and sell it.

To be honest I think you come across as incredibly self centred in my book. The thought that went into that gift is what counts. Personally I just go for a few beers, i dont require anything like gifts just having a good time with friends.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Those who said it is a relationship issue are correct I would say. My partner has always done this in little and big ways before. It is just that this time it has hurt more, as it was a more significant day for me.
I couldn't say much or make a fuss at the time as I did not want to appear ungrateful, but I was shocked to again have this done to me. On asking him in private afterwards why he did it, after we had several clear conversations on the topic, he could give no reason, just that 'it was good, and I would find that I would like it'.
He has in the past given me things as gifts that I had no wish for, and some items did work well for me, although not of my choosing. I became resigned to the situation. But like most people, I would prefer to choose for myself major purchases that I am going to personally use. I found myself in the past just resigned to him not hearing me, but now I feel that it is a disrespectful action, and does not make me feel loved or even listened to. If he really cared about me he would listen.
We are not wealthy and a luxury item would have to be given very serious consideration, as we are on a very low income.

LegacyUser

Do you know what I got for my birthday this year? Broken up with. Your post is coming across very selfish in my opinion. Just grin and bear it and work past this fabricated problem. If there is an ethical reason you dislike the gift fair enough, but in all honesty it sounds like you are being a bit of a princess

whiskeyman

underwaterbreeze wrote: »

Do you know what I got for my birthday this year? Broken up with. Your post is coming across very selfish in my opinion. Just grin and bear it and work past this fabricated problem. If there is an ethical reason you dislike the gift fair enough, but in all honesty it sounds like you are being a bit of a princess

It's all about perspective.
This is a problem for the OP, and they are looking for advice.

I don't like the sound of it tbh.
I'd try and get my OH something she'd love / enjoy, and if stuck for ideas, I'd ask for hints or ask out straight if it came to it.
If I thought she wouldn't like something, I'd try and drop hints and check.
If she said straight out she didnt want something (and made that clear.... and not in a 'don't get me that.... but do!') I'd be wondering why did they go ahead and do it?

If we were both stuck for money and she got me really expensive tickets for a band I've absolutely no interest in / verge of hating their music. I'd damn well wonder why are you riling me / wasting money etc...

I know it sounds spoilt / '1st world problem' etc..., but it *is* a problem.

TheMilkyPirate

Come on OP we all want to know what the gift was

fits

I agree. If money is tight (and even if it isnt) would you not try and buy your partner something they actually wanted?

Its not nice to waste money and resources needlessly like that.

kylith

Disrespected wrote: »

He had lots of time to change his decision. I have tried my utmost to communicate clearly with him, to no avail. We are not well off financially and I did not want this gift. I can only imagine that he did it because he wants it himself. I was told "nonsense, you will get to like it". It is a relationship problem, more than a gift giving problem, I see that.

Have you asked him whether this is the case? I could handle that better than I could handle having my wishes ridden rough-shod over.

R.D. aka MR.D

Some people like celebrating their birthdays and some people don't. Some people put great emphasis on whether or not a gift is thoughtful rather than just a gift. Some people believe in 'it's the thought that counts' and others don't. I don't think one side is right or wrong.

The OP obviously likes to celebrate her birthday and would like to receive a thoughtful gift from the man she is in a romantic relationship with.

I wonder how strongly you told him your objections? It was my birthday recently and I asked my OH not to buy me anything because we're saving for our wedding. He went ahead and bought stuff anyway. I was a little bit annoyed because I'd been so adamant that he shouldn't. But it wasn't a big deal so I got over it. I know he just wanted to make my day special because despite the fact that he is one of those people who don't like to make a big deal of their birthday, he knows it means a lot to me (I know, I know, I'm a monster! :rolleyes: )

How strongly did you object? Could he have thought that you wouldn't mind?

Ursus Horribilis

OP how often has he run roughshod over you in the past? I think the people accusing you of being an entitled princess are being very harsh. This is a problem that runs deeper than an unwanted gift.

Magicmatilda

It sounds to me like either he wanted this for himself and knowing you didn't want it got it anyway so he could have it which would be very selfish or:

He thinks he knows what is best for you regardless of what you think. This is actually quite belittling. Especially if it is happening over and over. If I am not into something,e.g. high heels and my partner continues to buy me high heels even though I don't want or like them and have made that clear, well that says to me "You should like high heels and if I buy you enough of them you will realise that". It is just very patronising and also almost indicates he wants you to be someone you are not. It sounds to me like this is the issue.

Either way I would sell the gift and get something you want. If he has gone against your wishes then I wouldn't feel too bad about it. He knew you wouldn't like the gift, he had time to change/cancel it and he didn't, that is his problem.

Sounds like an awful waste of money to me and I'd hate that myself. Sounds like something being given AT you rather than TO you.
I don't think it's selfish at all to expect to be listened to and being shown off in front of family like it's all about him instead of you

I'd sell it on and I'd look at the wider picture about whether this is a problem that needs to be addressed and stopped now

fluffybiscuits

bluewolf wrote: »

Sounds like an awful waste of money to me and I'd hate that myself. Sounds like something being given AT you rather than TO you.
I don't think it's selfish at all to expect to be listened to and being shown off in front of family like it's all about him instead of you

I'd sell it on and I'd look at the wider picture about whether this is a problem that needs to be addressed and stopped now

Hi I dont want the diamanté encrusted bag I want the Manolos sort?

LegacyUser

whiskeyman wrote: »

It's all about perspective.
This is a problem for the OP, and they are looking for advice.

I don't like the sound of it tbh.
I'd try and get my OH something she'd love / enjoy, and if stuck for ideas, I'd ask for hints or ask out straight if it came to it.
If I thought she wouldn't like something, I'd try and drop hints and check.

Birthday presents are material gifts, they mean nothing in the long run. What would bother me more is that it seems the op doesn't even like her other half. Holding what seems like a grudge against a birthday present? Ridiculous.
OP if you could eleborate on the gift it might shed more light on the actual issue at hand.

3DataModem

My bet is iPad

locked pending review

Taltos

Mod Note

Review completed - thread is remaining locked.
I am issuing warnings to all posts that are below our standard. I am tempted to infract / ban as PI has higher standards than that and having issue multiple on thread warnings on this point in the last few weeks my patience for people having a laugh or making light of an issue is at a end.

For those posts that attack the poster and there are a few - if I see similar posts from any of you in the future like this we will issue immediate bans. There was also one unregisterd post of a similar nature that we should not have approved so I am apologising for letting that through.

PI/RI is here to help people get constructive advice on their issues. If you think an issue is trivial or below you or "a first world problem" then just don't post to the thread. All you are going to do is earn an infraction or ban. Realistically we don't have any idea of the mental state of a poster so if you can't be civil and constructive don't post.