Confronting someone when they have said nasty things behind your back

Hannaho

I contacted somebody from years ago - a guy that I went out with who is still single. I was happy just to be friends and meet up now and then, keep in contact etc. He was quite strange really - he was in a very abusive relationship after me - in the end I think it was a mutually abusive relationship. He blew hot , then cold, then hot again. Then I said that I was busy for the next couple of months anyway so not to worry about meeting up - giving him space - I was busy - he's single, I have kids, am on my own and work full-time. I invited him to a party of old and new friends that I have every May bank holiday in my home. A week before it, he said he was going away that weekend an needed some headspace. He said to ring him some time, but I had made all the efforts so far to contact him, and said I wans't going to chase the friendship that he could contact me if he wished - he didn't

However, when I met him he had become so snobby - basically his brother has one of the top jobs in Irish financial circles and he was boasting about this; and that he was a senior in his job as a secondary school teacher after 21 years service - I would be considered at a senior grade in my own job, and would say that I earn more than him, but don't talk about it.

Anyway, I heard from two friends/professional colleagues, one whom heard from a third person that he had talked to an ex friend of mine, who is very Catholic, loves the Pope, Mass every Sunday, and never had sex before marriage type who is in a very unhappy marriage. This ex friend just walked away when I was going through Court issues with my children's father and my children and I were falling apart - abusive dad who wanted to win. She told him about all this and how I had felt really down at the time, and how my ex got a psychologist to try and get children from me - she never told him that my G.P. called social work as my ex was so psychologically abusive to my children and that the children, thankfully now, have no contact my ex as a result. This ex friend would have looked down on me as a single mum, though her own child was so bold no one would play with it. She made it look to my old friend that psychologists was tyring to take my child off me as I was a bad mum, she went on about me not feeding my children the proper stuff - all rubbish - my children are hugely bright academically and very popular children in school.

Anyway my old friend/boyfriend believed everything she said. He said to others that he had contacted her to find the whole story on me, and now didn't think I was worth knowing -he is an ex student priest. He went on saying what a lovely person she was compared to me. I feel really hurt as this girl who said these things used to go on about how she didn't know what I saw in my old friend/ex boyfriend when I was going out with him all those years ago, and how she couldn't understand what I saw in him a couple of years ago to want to contact him - the irony of it all is not lost on me!

I'm now going to a 20 year reunion in three weeks time in the town where my old friend/ex boyfriend lives - it's a small town. We may bump into each other. I feel so hurt with how the two of them behaved - I want to send an email/letter explaining my hurt to both of them. I don't want to bump into him without saying something - I discovered what they had said from my friends/colleagues only in July, but have felt really down about it and have been thinking about it most days.

Sorry for long post - my big reunion from college is in three weeks time.

Lux23

I wouldn't send the email, if I bumped into them I would be inclined to bring it up there and then.

tomwaterford

Ignore them....like pure blank them...why waste another minute thinking on them

Dial Hard

It honestly sounds like there's three.of you in it and you're all better off without eachother.

Consign the whole sorry mess to the past and move on. Writing that letter isn't going to achieve anything.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I just don't understand at all why you contacted him. Were you hoping for a romantic reunion? You sound so very invested in his reaction.

I'm not saying that his behaviour was right, but maybe he was a bit wary of why you contacted him, and that's why he listened to feedback from someone else.

It all sounds so messy. You say he blew hot and cold - why do you even want to be friends with him? I just don't get it.

Hannaho

II don't really want to be friends anymore - I can see that we have nothing in common. However, we were all part of a larger group of people that would know each other from way back and meet from time to time. I suppose I'm just really hurt that things that were untrue were said by both of them and believed by him. It's really affecting my view of friendship - this 20 year reunion from college, I was so unsure of going because something similar might happen again. When I did contact him initially, I wrote a very nice letter saying I always valued his friendship apart from a relationship and it would be great to meet up now and again, that I hadn't really time for a relationship myself at the time -as in a romantic one, but was happy to reconnect with those from our group that I had lost contact with due to life and busyness.

orthsquel

There's the idea out there that you pick your battles carefully. Taking the time, the mental energy, the emotion, the focus to send an email to either your ex friend or the old friend/ex boyfriend is a pure waste of your time.

I've a sneaky feeling that both of them just want to push your buttons and bring you down to their level. They want the drama. They want you to engage in a drama with them. I would strongly advise you to not engage either of them whatsoever. The ex friend might be bitter in her marriage and would say any old guff to anyone about anyone else to make herself feel a bit better about her position in life. Similarly so can your old friend/ex boyfriend, and if he is choosing to believe one side of the story, then that is his choice to make and you should not waste precious time trying to convince him otherwise.

You don't need to defend your character or reputation to them or others. And you shouldn't have to. I would think confronting either by email would give them reason to twist and distort your motivation for contacting them - hurt over what has been said - and give them more material to create a drama with for their own amusement, as well as keeping you engaged with them in a negative way. I suspect they will look to undermine your own confidence, your own self esteem and seek to undermine the positives in your life (full time work, good kids doing well, coping as a single parent, etc) things that you have accomplished and achieved and look to bring you down to their level repeatedly.

If you bump into either of them, you don't owe them anything. If they also happen to be attending the reunion, you do not have to engage them. If they go around bad mouthing you, let them, but do not engage them.

They're really not worth the hassle imo... they're really just looking for something to make themselves look good to others, and would look to try and bring you down to their level. I'd suggest you move onwards and upwards, forget about them, if they want to run their mouths off to anyone who will listen and try and colour other people's perception of you, let them, because people will see what they are trying to do. Most people tend to listen but make up their own minds or seek out the other side of the story or give the benefit of the doubt, often those who believe without question I take to be that bit naive and over trusting or just looking for any excuse to find fault with another person to confirm their own negative view or cement an uncertain view rather than providing the benefit of the doubt. And there is a chance that your ex friend is taking your old friend/ex boyfriend for a fool and feeding him rubbish so he can parrot what she feels about you so that he, rather than she, ends up looking the idiot or nasty person. And unfortunately you can do nothing about that.

Merkin

After careful consideration I've decided to close this thread Hannaho. Given your large number of threads which all outline your inability to cope and your reaction to stress, I really don't feel the people of PI are adequately equipped to cope with your issues as and when they arise. I'd strongly urge you to seek the help of a counsellor who may be able to arm you with coping mechanisms and also help you extricate yourself from situations that cause you angst. As this issue was raised with you some time ago I'm issuing a yellow card and ask you to desist from starting multiple threads in PI. Best of luck.