Anybody else in a similar situation

LegacyUser

My life has changed beyond all recognition the last couple of years. I'm female in my late 30s. Had a really good life until I was made redundant, found myself having to move home, taking care of a sick relative since then, almost 3 years ago now. I don't know anybody here anymore because I lived away for decades, it's rural, it's isolating and all I see is my elderly relative apart from the post office when I collect my dole. I'm struggling to get a job here aswell. I don't go out, I don't meet new people. I feel I was attractive once, I used to love get dressed up and putting on make up and going out, now I just have lost all interest in myself and feel like pension is around the corner. I'll never meet a partner, or new friends and no matter how hard I try to get work it's not happening.

I need to hear from others that are in similar situations that understand the isolation of this. If anyone was in this situation and have gotten their life back, please shine some light at the end of the tunnel because right now I feel like my life is over.

dixiefly

I cannot say that I have experienced what you are experiencing but I can feel your frustration with how things have worked out for you.

In my opinion you have to ask yourself if you were not minding the relative then where you would be. It shouldn't be your obligation to mind the relative at the expense of your own life and future if that is not what you want yourself. Fair enough if it is for a short period of time but this is beyond that. If you have ambitions outside this area, qualifications you wish to get or jobs you would like to apply for then you need to decide if you want to go for it and then inform family of your decision. There may be others in the family conveniently sitting back while you take the burden to your own detriment.

If you do see living in this area as a medium to long term thing then you should try and join some groups even in a nearby town. There are a lot of sports related groups running, hiking etc. You should get some me time away from home. Even if you have not set in place regular time off then do so now.

As an aside, are you getting recompensed appropriately for minding the relative?

jopax

Hi op,

I haven't been in the same situation as you but I do however know what its like to live in a rural area when you are at home all day.
It is so bad for you every way, one way that helped me was to get a job outside the house.
Living in the country can be and is lovely but certainly not when you are isolated.
I fell into a deep depression to the point I just didn't want to go on anymore.
It scares me know just to look back on where I was, the loneliness & isolation took me to a bad place.
I am glad that you can recognise that you are not suited to this way of life.
I don't know your personal circumstances but could you maybe find a part time job in a nearby town, that would work wonders for your moral.

I understand you are minding a relative but you also have to mind yourself.
This is a short life, try to find the joy that is out there, I do hope you mind yourself.

m-a-i-

HI OP,
I have been in a somewhat similar situation in that I had to mind an elderly relative while working a full time job so had very little time to myself.. The lonliness is very hard at times and can be tough to get motivation back. I rarely talked to anyone had chronic depression and anxiety, had absolutely no relationship or social life in the making, but it does get better
The important thing is to know that you are important. Baby steps are what helps me and what helped me to get to where I am. Start with taking 15 minutes a day to doing something that you wouldn't normally do... wear that crazy colour lipstick even if no one will notice, you're doing it for you, indulge in that extra few minutes in the shower singing your favourite song... this may sound daft but I know when I was in a similar spot I didn't even stop to think about those little things that might help. Reach out to the community close to you, online or otherwise and organise maybe a coffee date with a friend you haven't seen in years... you never know they might be more than delighted to hear from you !
One day at a time. I know its easier said than done but try not to focus on where you will end up x

Sending all my love OP !

thegreatgonzo

My situation isn't that similar to yours OP but I really sympathise.
I'm late 30's too and living in the country where my options for meeting people are also limited. I was made redundant a few years back and it honestly knocked the stuffing out of me for a while. I went from having a brilliant social life in the city with lots of travel and spending my money whatever way I wanted to sitting at home watching my clothes go out of fashion.
What Mai said above about making baby steps was very good advice. It's kind of what I've been doing the last few years. I ended up going back to college after a long time agonising about it. I'm working in a very different industry to before, I like the work but now it means I'm working in rural areas where there isn't much to do and definitely very few single men my own age. I have more responsibilities on the home farm now too as my parents are elderly so I can't go anywhere on my days off from work that often. Most of my time really seems to be spent fighting with people to get things done and it takes its toll. However I'm much more optimistic about the future than I was when I was unemployed and I'm in a much better place than I was in my early 30's.
I totally agree with Dixie fly, ask yourself what you would you be or where would you like to be if you weren't minding your relative? Then think about the baby steps you need to make to make it happen.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I wish I could thank posts here but can't since I'm anon, I'm a regular poster but just couldn't get up the nerve to post under my usual name.

@Mai & thegreatgonzo it makes such a difference knowing someone else has been there and understands; Mai your post made me well up Gonzo the redundancy hit me very hard too and the ****e thing is I know if I was back in Dublin I wouldn't have any hassle getting a job but here there is nothing and the resentment is eating me alive! A job would help so much......I'm so lonely, I feel like I've disappeared sometimes.

m-a-i-

OP you poor thing. I know our situations are slightly different but I can't help but feel like it might as well have been me writing this post not too long ago.

It was so tough to be practically a live in carer and full time worker but since my elderly relative passed away and I don't regret anything. You may resent the situation now, like I did and the lonliness but if you are like me you will look back and think you made someone feel loved and cared for when they needed it most. You seem like a strong person OP in that you have reached out here and connected with people.

My motto since that time was one day at a time... or when really really tough one hour at a time. Do something nice for yourself everyday, do something that makes you smile at least once in the day and the dark clouds will clear up x

fits

I live in a rural area as well. I think having a social hobby is really important. Is there anything you can do to get out? I know shortage of money is probably holding you back. What part of the country are you in?

Merkin

I feel so sorry for you OP. It seems like there are a number of factors which happened concurrently to put you in this position. You're obviously very kind to have taken over the full time care of your relative but you can't simply forgo your own life and happiness on the back of that either. I think if you were in full time employment that would afford you some freedom, both financially and socially. Do you mind me asking what type of work you did prior to redundancy? Could you set up on your own? Do a little bit of consultancy work or work from home? If you had that as an outlet you could meet more people and get some respite care too.