Father in law wants to move in with us

applecrumble

My mother in law sadly passed away about 6 months ago, i was quite close to her after the untimely passing of my own mother several years ago.
My father in law stays with us from time to time and i just about grin and bear this as i cant stand him. But i do it for my husband. My Fil was used to everything being done for him and i mean everything down to my mil putting his socks and shoes on for him.
When he is at our house he really disgusts me. He spits in our kitchen sink and cant even rinse it out just leaves it there. Uses the bathrooms and the state of the toilet after him leaves me gagging. He picks his teeth with toothpicks and throws them all over the place.throws dirty socks and underwear all over the place. Sits in my living room and takes over the tv and on the rare occasion i get to watch it he moans because my programs arent to his taste.I could go on and on.

He acts like a helpless child and sits under my feet all day. The thing is i have 2 children and another on the way and i just cant deal with this man. I feel smothered and depressed when he comes to stay to the point where i feel like i cant breathe.

I honestly feel if he comes to live with us i will have to leave and split up with my husband. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can anyone offer advice? Sorry for the lengthy post.

Lisha

Surely your husband agree that this us unacceptable?
That's rotten op.

aaakev

What does the husband say?? I wouldn't be putting up with that especially if you're the one at home all day looking after him! Can he not live on his own?

applecrumble

My husband can see everything that his father is doing so its not just me. However he is walking on eggshells around him since his mothers passing.he thinks his mother would want him to look after his father. I am at my wits end with his father and i really tried with him. I love my husband and want to support him as he did with me when my mother died. However this is beyond too much.

When my mother died we were there for my father but my father was not like this and doesn't want to be anywhere but his own house.my own father was never mollycoddled and i dont see why i should do it with his father.

Idle Passerby

Put your foot down OP. Youve said your marriage would be at risk if he was to move in, does your husband comprehend this? Particularly with a baby on the way you dont need the anxiety and lack of hygene your Fil causes. Perhaps an old folks home would be the best place for him if he cant live alone any longer. Your husband is not obligated to pander to this just because his mother did. No one should have to put up with that level of anxiety and disrespect in their own home.

R.D. aka MR.D

Sod grinning and bearing it. He's in your house so he should treat it with a bit of respect. You could even phrase it as you don't want the kids to pick up bad habits.

You're pregnant. You don't need a big pile of stress, surely your husband can appreciate that?

It's a massive ask to have a parent live with you. If he is physically capable of taking care of himself then that's what he needs to do. I don't want to sound mean but is your husband a bit useless too? Do you lift and lay after him? Because I can't understand what argument he is using to allow his father to treat you so terribly. You said he says that the mother would want him to look after the father but it's not really him that's doing the looking after, is it? Also, you mention you had a good relationship with your mother in law, surely she wouldn't want you subjected to this.

Dial Hard

applecrumble wrote:

However he is walking on eggshells around him since his mothers passing.he thinks his mother would want him to look after his father.

But let's face it, OP, it'll be you who ends up looking after him, not your husband.

I would absolutely be putting my foot down about this. If the man isn't infirm in any way, then let him stay at home and look after himself. If he has health or mobility issues, then your husband and his siblings (if any) need to discuss getting your dad appropriate home assistance or moving him to an assisted living facility.

It sounds like he just wants to move into a house where there's someone to wait on him hand and foot, though. I can't believe your husband's mother enabled him to that degree. It's beyond unacceptable for a grown man to expect that level of servitude.

eviltwin

Your husband needs to put his priorities in order. You and his children have to come first. It's disgraceful he would stand by and let you become a slave to this man just so he feels he's done his duty. Put your foot down, even with the best in laws having them live with you can be problematic. Don't give in.

applecrumble

Thanks for all your replies. I have told my husband that i am not looking after him that i have enough on my plate with 2 soon to be 3 children and a house to look after. I definitely dont and wouldnt run around after my husband he shares everything equally with me when this hes not working including cooking cleaning and looking after the kids.

He's just so caught up in his own grief that i think he is unable to see the full picture, even his fathers habits disgut him and he couldn't believe his mother pandered to his every request. Its even at the stage where his mothers friend which we vist often even told him what a mistake it would be to let his father move in that it wasnt fair on me.

He has one brother who lives at the other end of the country yet they expect it ny fil goes to stay with them we have to bring him.

Im just at my wits end now with his father staying with us never mind moving in with us. He is supposed to be coming down this weekend and it resulted in my husband and i arguing. So i basically told him i will be going to my fathers for the week with the children. Im starting to hate being in my own home and feeling like a guest here so much that i feel like moving back to my own fathers until i get myself sorted with a place of my own. My fil even expects me to give up my own bed for him becsuse he doesn't like the bed in the spare room, but there was no way i would do that.

He has a bungalow and we have a two story yet he complains about the stairs.he is well able to look after himself and drives and as a poster above suggested all he is looking for is someone to run around after him. Im deeply upset and to say my marriage is in trouble because of his selfishness is,making me start to hate him.

Dial Hard

Actually, OP, I think the best thing you could do for your case right now is exactly what you've said above - let your FIL come this weekend, but you go to your dad's for the duration. I suspect nothing will cure your husband's guilt quicker than a weekend of having to lool after your dad single-handedly.

Having said that, though, something tells me your FIL won't expect another man to pick up after him in *quite* the same way as he would a woman.

I'd be vacating the premises for the weekend either way.

PearlJ

What a horrible situation for you OP. I could think of no worse hell than living with my father in law. I suspect he's very similar to yours, where the women in his life have always been dominated, never outspoken and always pander to his needs.

It goes without saying you cannot let him move in with you and I think he's just chancing his arm out of laziness. I know it must be very tough on your husband but you must stand united on this.

As a previous poster said, you heading off for the weekend might be the best thing to show your husband what a possible move would be like. But what you also need to address is how to limit his visits if he is making you this stressed and upset.

Does he have any interests that you could gently push him in to that might take him away at weekends?
But then, having a newborn in the house again might be enough to shift him out. Or failing that, fill your other 2 kids with Fanta and put Mickey Mouse on repeat and he mightn't be so quick to settle in

mylittlepony

Should your husband / the son of your FIL be the one visiting his dad at his own house every weekend not the other way around.
I would demand that it is only fair after the way he treat you and your home. No respect at all.

If you and your husband get to breaking he should be moving out not you as its your childrens' primary home.
We hope it does not need to come to that it is perfectly avoidable.
It is your husband and his siblings duty to look their parent and arrange alternative living if need be sell the bungalow for nursing home or arrange for home help if he is more mobile and independent that he lets on but definitely not your expense.
dont let him come to your house this weekend send your husband to him.
Good luck.

Magicmatilda

Have you told your husband that you do not want the FIL moving in?

You say you have told him you won't run around after him which implies that you will allow him to move in?

What was your husbands reaction to that?

I think you need to be very clear it is not FIL that is breaking the marraige but your husband. He simply needs to say no to his father. If his father persists that he is unable to look after himself the husband says fine, we will find a suitable old folks home/retirement village.

Why is he coming to stay this weekend, have you told your husband that he cannot? Did he just over ride your decision?

annoyedgal

mylittlepony wrote:

Should your husband / the son of your FIL be the one visiting his dad at his own house every weekend not the other way around.

Sounds like a stressful nightmare visitor op! You don't need the stress with a baby on the way and two others to care for. Time to put your foot down, fil is NOT moving in. Set an agreed limit on visits and your husband can visit him in his own house if he feels there is a shortfall. Time to put yourself and the children first here and watch your stress levels in the meantime. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Op I started to gag reading your post. Oh my god how disgusting and gross is your FIL!!!You have the patience of a saint to be putting up with that carry on.
Why doesn't your husband move in with his dad? Seriously I'd be packing up everything and sending a clear signal to your husband your finished if he thinks your going to be looking after 2 small children and 1 big child who likes to be pandered to.
Its never a good idea three generations living under the one roof. op with another baby on the way you really don't need this kind of stress, look after yourself.

LegacyUser

You mentioned that you were going to your own fathers house for the weekend with your children.
Rather than making life easy for your husband this weekend why not leave the children with him. Give the children plenty of full suger coke and sweets with e numbers before you leave.
I am sure if your husband has to become your fathers in laws servant along with minding 2 children it will give him a dose of reality. Also if your father in law has to deal with the noise of 2 small children he could be quite glad to stay in his own house.

After the weekend I would tell your husband that your father in law is not moving into your home. If he can't manage in his house now you can both look into the fair deal scheme and see if he can get a place in a nursing home.
You have 2 small children and you are pregnant with your 3rd child. It is about time your husband realised you have enough to deal with. Your father in law does not want to do anything for himself. He is complaining to your son. Meanwhile you husband thinks it is no problem letting him move into your house.
They both need a dose of reality of what the situation will be like if this happens.
Have a relaxing weekend and let the pair of them deal with the 2 children.

CaraMay

It's kind of ridiculous that you are talking about breaking up your home over this. Just say no. If your husband won't then you sit down and tell your fil why you don't want him there. You're being very passive aggressive about this. You want your husband to want the same thing as you. He doesn't so if you want to stay as a family of 5 then you need to say no. At least this way it won't damage the father / son relationship and will also have the added bonus that he won't want to come visit when you are there

LegacyUser

Under absolutely no conditions whatsoever allow this man into your home. He's vulgar, rude, obnoxious and not the kind of individual any person should have around your house.

OP, you also must put down your foot when he does something unacceptable. Remind him that he's a visitor and it's your house, your rules.

And, your husband needs to grow a spine.

LegacyUser

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Under absolutely no conditions whatsoever allow this man into your home. He's vulgar, rude, obnoxious and not the kind of individual any person should have around your house.

OP, you also must put down your foot when he does something unacceptable. Remind him that he's a visitor and it's your house, your rules.

And, your husband needs to grow a spine.

This is all true - but he has been allowed to get away with this behaviour all of his life, so in his head his way is probably 'normal'. Maybe even encouraged by his wife, as in she liked or felt her role was to wait on him. So he is going to take any chastising really badly, and may paint you as the baddie. I'm not saying that's right, just how I imagine he sees things.

I don't think you should let him live with you - there's lots of other options: you husband can visit him in in his own home, he could buy in cooked meals, get home help.

I don't really understand why he stays in your house though, does he live too far away for casual visits by your husband? And why can't he drive / get the bus or train to see the other sibling?

My way of dealing with it would be to simply not engage with any requests. You could play dumb and if he asks for something, say 'oh that's in the fridge / the press over there' etc. Not sure how to deal with the sink thing though, or leaving personal items around.

I just think that the head-on approach will ruin your husbands relationship with his dad. I don't condone his behaviour in any way at all - but I can see him reacting really badly if challenged. Doesn't mean that he's right, but it's going to be tough to modify his behaviour without causing a complete rift.

I guess I'd try to present alternatives in a positive way - like 'did you hear about the great offer they have in Dunnes for the pre cooked meals, sure all you'd have to do is bang them into the microwave'. And like I said, the 'absent minded' approach of 'oh yeah - that thing you asked me to get is over there'.

Personally, I wouldn't ask your husband to give him any ultimatums re his behaviour. I would say that it is very important that your husband backs you up on everything you say though. And I think your husband, not you, has to say that he can't live with you. Not sure whether to put that in a 'what with the baby' kind of way - or would that mean that he'll expect to move in when the baby is a toddler.

Or as someone else said, you could be sneaky and tell him how much he could help out with the kids if he stays for the weekend - and watch him get put right off by that, when he realises that in your house the kids are no 1, not him. And let them go mad and play around him, and have their own stuff on tv.

Maybe I'm just being passive aggressive. But I think being completely direct just means the end of the father-son relationship, or that he'll 'feel sorry' for his son because he'll resent you. Again, I don't think he'd be in any way right to respond like that, but I'd bet a LOT that's what will happen. So to me, the solution involves being firm but polite, whilst not pandering to him at all. And a certain amount of playing blissfully dumb, whilst doing things exactly as you normally do, eg if he doesn't want to eat at the time you do, tell him that you'll leave his in the fridge and he can reheat it whenever he'd like to have it. So you aren't changing your routine, but you aren't excluding him either, if that makes sense - you're pushing the decision back to him.

The best of luck OP, really not an easy situation.

Merkin

If you are heavily pregnant you simply cannot be getting stressed like this. Your priority right now is your little bubba, and your own little family. You and your husband simply have to sit down and agree on being a united front; talk of moving out or even vacating the premises because of this man is simply madness.

As a short term solution, suggest that your husband goes and stays with his father for the weekend instead (don't ever ever uproot your own family for someone) and then agree with all next of kin what is to be done, i.e. sheltered housing, invoking the help of a home help etc.

Talk to your husband properly and sort this out as a matter of urgency.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I forgot to say re the TV stuff - which I know sounds like the smallest of the irritants you have to deal with - maybe just say firmly 'oh we always watch this'. And don't offer any compromise or say anything else.

Only a simple thing, but maybe any easy one to get your point across that you and your husband are 'we' about choices in your house, and that your choices won't be changed to suit him. Not sure he'd get the subtlety of that tbh! But repeated delivery of that message should (eventually!) get him to realise that he can moan all he wants, but it ain't going to change anything. And he can't play the martyr about that to other people, without sounding really petty.

Yes, I have a difficult parent. Who will never live with me!

Bloggjoe

I have to disagree with all the other posters... I feel sorry for the FIL. This man has just lost his wife and is obviously grieving. If his wife did everything for him for years he probably doesn't know what to do with himself. Is it possible he doesn't realise that he is being a difficult guest? Perhaps your husband could sit him down and explain your house rules. This is a very difficult situation for your husband, he is stuck in middle, he has just lost his mother and he has a point, his mother would of liked his son to look after the father.

LegacyUser

Bloggjoe wrote: »

I have to disagree with all the other posters... I feel sorry for the FIL. This man has just lost his wife and is obviously grieving. If his wife did everything for him for years he probably doesn't know what to do with himself. Is it possible he doesn't realise that he is being a difficult guest? Perhaps your husband could sit him down and explain your house rules. This is a very difficult situation for your husband, he is stuck in middle, he has just lost his mother and he has a point, his mother would of liked his son to look after the father.

I posted earlier, saying that, to the Dad, his behaviour is normal. Because that's what he's been used to for a very very long time.

Still doesn't make him right - but to hit him with the truth re his behaviour right now is just going to devastate him and make him really bitter, and probably pretty upset.

I doubt that he realises how is behaviour is perceived, as it seemed totally acceptable in his own house. So calling him out on it is going to be a total shock to him.

Gently but firmly is the way I'd go. And it's a good point raised in the quoted post, that the dad & your husband are still grieving, so they're probably both still all over the place emotionally.

I do feel sorry for the Dad, but I also feel sorry for the OP. It's a huge incompatible clash of values and loyalties. Not easy to resolve, without the nuclear option of telling the Dad about his offensive behaviour & expectations, which despite being true, would be pretty harsh after his wife's death - and would (in my opinion) kill his relationship with his son if it's blatantly pointed out to him.

trio

The mother also bent down every day until she died and put shoes and socks on a man who is able bodied enough to drive a car.

She may have wanted yer man taken care of, but I think her own judgment of what that means was seriously odd.

I'll bet he miraculously manages to get his shoes and socks on himself now.

Barely There

Your FIL is not going to change - that's pretty obvious.
But, your husband needs to and pronto.

At this stage 6 months have passed since his mother died and that's enough time for you to have a serious chat with him about this situation with his father.

You need to explain to him that his Father is disrespecting your house and disrespecting you and you're not willing to put up with it any longer. It's your home FFS and nobody should be treating it like that or acting that way in it.

I honestly think you need to put your foot down because the kind of stress he's putting you under is unacceptable.
Basically you husband needs to step up and grow a pair of balls and put his wife and kid's priority first and stop pandering to his father.

zeffabelli

The grief is not making him see straight.

When you lose a parent you tend to want to protect the other one.

If you have decent parents this is ok. I made this mistake and I created a monster by doing it.

This is no good for your family.

LynnGrace

No, this cannot happen, OP. I understand that your husband, and your FIL are grieving, but, no. I think it's time to have a serious conversation, with your husband.
If the dad is fit and healthy, there is really no reason why he cannot live alone. If he needs care, of some description, then your husband, and any other siblings (you mentioned one brother), need to have a discussion with the FIL, and decide what is best, be it home help, or whatever is appropriate.

I wonder does your husband realise that, by the sound of it, this could cause huge difficulty, in your marriage, if not, indeed, lead to a complete breakdown. I know you said your husband thinks his mother would have wanted him to look after his dad, but, surely not to the extent of sacrificing his own relationships, in the process. Plus, it sounds like YOU would be the one doing the looking after, to a large extent.

By all means, I'd say, go and stay with your dad for the weekend, if that suits you. Otherwise, I'd suggest encouraging your husband to go and visit his dad, and start exploring options for the future, while being quite clear that moving in with you, is not one of them.
I'd also make it clear if you are away that you don't expect to come back to a mess, that you have to clean up.

All the best, OP. It's not easy. I hope everything works out well.

solerina

If I were you I would be telling OH that his father wasn't moving in with us, and if he wasn't happy with that I would be telling him to go and stay with his father..its not fair on you or your children.....that may wake him up to how seriously you feel about this.
Your FIL; sounds like a disgusting man, and one that your children or yourself shouldn't be exposed to on a daily basis.

Neyite

He wants someone to continue on the wifework that he's used to, and I think that the nearest female would do - in this case, its you. He's used to being the Patriarch and having first dibs on everything from the telly to the most comfy bed to food. The fact that he'd cheerfully turf a pregnant woman out of her own bed without a thought to where she might sleep tells you that.

It's hard to advise absolutely - every family has a different dynamic. But if it were me, every time he spat in the sink, or dirtied up the toilet, I'd hand him the Domestoes and marigolds, and telling him to clean up after himself please. Make a point of pointing out that everyone chips in with housekeeping - "everyone, bring your plates into the kitchen, you too FIL" If he gives out that "Mary used to do that for me" you just say simply "I'm not Mary, I'm afraid". A good phrase in your arsenal to have that parents commonly use with their kids is "well, in this house we do /dont do X"

You might find that when he's expected to pull his weight around the house and that you are not his slave, he might be less keen to move in. In tandem, look into getting him a home help - even if they delivered a daily dinner or helped with laundry /general cleaning he might manage perfectly fine on his own. Look into hobbies or interests in his own locality that he might be interested in.

I'd highly recommend leaving kids and your FIL with your husband for the weekend. He needs to see the reality of what he is asking you to take on.

If he is still relatively young, he might be soon be in the market for another wife that he can train to put his socks on for him. While you'd hate to inflict his behaviour on another woman, and it would be difficult for your husband to see his mother replaced so quickly, I'd personally be seriously contemplating dropping subtle hints about mail order brides to him. If nothing else, if he's off dating elsewhere, then he's not underfoot at your house. That's probably an OTT suggestion though!

Idle Passerby

I agree with most of the above post except this part

Neyite wrote: »

I'd personally be seriously contemplating dropping subtle hints about mail order brides to him.

It seems so wrong and cruel to inflict this disgusting mess of a man on some poor woman from another country who would not get a chance to see how he lives before committing to him. Urge him to date, sure but in fairness it would be a miracle if any woman would be willing to put up with him.

tinkerbell

No way would I allow him to move in and no way would I allow myself to be turfed from my own home by anyone. The fact that he even demanded your bed - bloody hell, what a cheek.

Tbh, I don't think you're gonna accomplish anything if you head off this weekend and leave your husband to deal with the kids and his father. Your FIL strikes me as the kind of person who only will boss women around but will hold his tongue around men. Therefore, when you come back, he'll be back up to his old tricks again.

Therefore, I think you need to be blunt about this to your husband and FIL. I really think you need to tell your husband exactly how you are feeling here - he needs to know that you are stressed so much over this that you are thinking of ending your marriage if he forces you to allow his father to move in. I would imagine that he would be horrified at the thoughts of you leaving him considering he himself appears to be a modern man (as you said he helps equally with the cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc). So tell him that FIL will not be moving in and that is it.

As for FIL, you both need to sit him down and tell him what is and is not acceptable in your home - no disgusting habits like spitting in sink, leaving toilets a mess, toothpicks everywhere etc. If he makes a mess, he cleans up after himself. If he wants something, he gets it himself. If he cannot behave in a reasonable manner then you will be telling him that he is no longer welcome to come for a visit. You have a baby on the way - you do not need this crap to deal with. Imagine when you have a newborn and you have FIL wrecking your house, causing chaos and you're exhausted, healing from the birth, etc. It will not be a happy place for you.

I would actually consider showing your husband this thread tbh. He needs to know how you feel. Hugs OP, you are in a truly horrendous situation.

El_Duderino 09

The bit that struck me was asking for your bed. That's a classic example of pushing boundaries with power dynamics. Not to get too bogged down in this one point but the boss in most mammal species gets the best bed (the high rock). He wanted your bed because he wanted to demonstrate authority over you in your own home.

There can't be a happy medium in this situation. You and your husband are in charge of your house. If he treated his wife like you describe, it would be impossible for him to become a junior housemate in your house. You would constantly be engaged in a battle to be in charge of your own house. If you were retired and had nothing going on in your life, then you might have time for that carry on. You sound like a busy lady and I couldn't imagine anything worse than having him move in.

silverbolt

Im gonna say this as a carer.

OP your house, your rules whether he likes it or not he is a guest.

Like it or not when you get married THAT becomes the family not the parents in law.

He is not going to change at his age. But try and have some sympathy (its hard i know) hes lost his life partner, he probably absolutely hates being in his own home at the moment. But no he should not be living in your home

canttalk

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

The bit that struck me was asking for your bed. That's a classic example of pushing boundaries with power dynamics. Not to get too bogged down in this one point but the boss in most mammal species gets the best bed (the high rock).

I too found this incredibly telling. One of those '!!!' moments when you're actually left speechless. Why would a grown man expect the nuptial bed to get given to him when his daughter in law is heavily pregnant? The disrespect on so many levels...hello, this is the bed you have sex in!(not excluding anywhere in the house, but, you know...that's what the marital bed is for, ahem, coff). It's also your private space in the house to relax, talk to hubby etc, and the place where you rest while pregnant. Where did he want you to sleep? Does he thank you for anything you and your husband do for him?

You need to tell your husband no. Plain no. In fact hell naw, to the naw naw naw....you have children to look after. Your fil is the responsibility of your husband and his siblings. If fil wants to visit then a day visit is fine and you can visit him more in his own home. If he can drive he's not incapacitated. I read this thread and just !!!

From experience having an elderly relative is very difficult on a young family. He is being selfish and unfair. It's not a situation if him needing help, he just wants people around him and is scared of the future as your late mil was a large part of his life. You may actually be doing him a favour getting him to face living alone.

Did your mil actually bend down to dress him?