No proposal after 7 years

chippy656

Hi i'm looking for some advice on how long is too long to be in a relationship without a proposal?
I'm 7 years with OH have talked openly about our future within a few months of being together, kids, wedding, house ect.
Now here's where it gets tricky....We got engaged 3 years ago during a row where i was gonna leave him (we were living abroad and he only did it cause he was afraid of losing me which i figured out after we had announcement made to everyone) therefore after i realized what he had done i told him we weren't engaged, that i wasn't telling people and i would wear the ring on nights out ect not to raise eyebrows but as far as i was concerned I wasn't being made feel like i backed him into a corner(the arguement was unrelated to getting engaged but was to do with loyalty and respect)
Now 3 years on after moving about with him for work we are home and settled in our new jobs but still no sign of the real deal proposal.....which he knows has to happen for it to be real. I know he was planning it a few months ago because his sister let the cat out of the bag but I had personal issues going on and fell hard with depression and I feel that has turned him off. He does understand it as he has been through it a few years back himself and I was there every step of the way with him. But I do wonder if that has made him do a U-turn on his decision. In sickness and in health right?! I feel like i'm being taken for a bit of a mug and would really appreciate some advice from an outsider as my best mates advice has been very biased as you can expect from loved ones!!
Thanks in advance

LegacyUser

chippy656 wrote: »

...We got engaged 3 years ago during a row where i was gonna leave him ..
Thanks in advance

seriously? What a terrible start to an an engagement.
Perhaps concentrate on getting better before you wonder about your future together.
Then talk to him,nobody here will be able to give advise on how he is thinking. Just cos you were th we for him when he was depressed doesn't man he has to return the favour.

Gongoozler

I don't see anything here from you about you wanting to marry him.

Also, why on earth do you not just ask him? Ask him if he wants to get married (assuming you want to be married to him) or ask him to marry you. You'd swear we were still in the 1970's here. Actually in a way it sounds like he's probably afraid to ask you, because of the big deal you made out of being engaged / not engaged. I'd be afraid to broach the subject if I were him.

I really don't know what advice you're looking for here.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, I don't think you should be getting married for a while. Your post conveys a sense of 'I want to get married, doesn't matter to who', and I think that's a fairly negative mindset to build a life on. You seem fixated on the idea of marriage - expecting to get married 3-4 years into a relationship isn't normal, and given that you forced your OH's hand, he's probably having serious doubts about whether or not this is something he should do. I think, at this point, you're being fed a lot of crap about marriage from friends and family, the simple fact is that it's not something you take lightly. You've done serious damage, you seem to be completely obsessed with marriage and that isn't good.

I've met several people like you over the years, marriage is the endgame, but love doesn't matter. Here's the biggest tell: you describe your being there for him during his depression as something that means he should automatically be there for you, citing the reason being 'in sickness and in health, right?'. Well, no. You're not married yet, and you continually bring it back to marriage despite your depression having nothing to do with it. Tell me, when he was depressed, did he mention marriage? Was it his key goal for wanting to help you? Because I believe he just wanted to be there for you. You need counselling, you need to back off from the idea of marriage, you're not in the proper mindset (and I'd argue you haven't been for years) for marriage. Work on yourself and your problems, because it isn't fair on either of you to commit to such a big thing without you being mentally healthy.

LegacyUser

OP, why is it up to him to make the proposal? If you want progress, you ask the question.

Neyite

Is it marriage you want - as in, being legally and emotionally tied to him for the rest of your life, or a wedding where you want to be a Mrs. and plan a day out.

It's maybe just your phrasing, but nowhere in your post did you mention love, or why marriage is something that is important to you, you just talk about getting engaged. But you get the ring, the nice proposal, and then what?

Can you see yourself with him for the rest of your lives?
Would you want to be with him if marriage was never going to happen?
Are you feeling pressure/ hints from family or friends or feeling a bit left out if all your friends have got engaged or married?

These are the questions you need to ask. Then, if you are sure that you love him, that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, that you are truly happy with him, then talk to him, propose to him instead.

LegacyUser

Do you want to get married? There was very little in there about actually wanting to marry him. You seem to feel more you've put the time so you should get married. Sounds like he might be afraid to ask given the first time he did went so badly and sounds like he was planning again and time just wasn't right. If your the one after the big proposal surprise and all that maybe he decided it wasn't right to do while you were dealing with depression in case you took him up wrong and thought he was just doing to make you happy like the first time he asked.

If you don't think you can ask him yourself and aren't able to talk to him about it well then your left to waiting until he decides to do it.

Ursus Horribilis

Why don't you just sit down and have a chat about it. The circumstances of your first proposal were so awful it may have soured the whole thing for him. Do you know if he even wants to get married now? Where does he see things going?

Meauldsegosha

chippy656 wrote: »

Now here's where it gets tricky....We got engaged 3 years ago during a row where i was gonna leave him (we were living abroad and he only did it cause he was afraid of losing me which i figured out after we had announcement made to everyone) therefore after i realized what he had done i told him we weren't engaged, that i wasn't telling people and i would wear the ring on nights out ect not to raise eyebrowsbut as far as i was concerned I wasn't being made feel like i backed him into a corner(the arguement was unrelated to getting engaged but was to do with loyalty and respect)

For all intents and purposes you have been engaged for the last 3 years. You have remained in a committed relationship with him so why the need for a "real" proposal now. If marriage is your ultimate goal, start planning your wedding and move on from the proposal. I have to say wearing the ring on nights out is very diva-ish.

skallywag

I am having difficulty getting my head around the ring issue, i.e. you continue to wear it on nights out although you told him in no uncertain terms that as far as you are concerned it was not actually a real proposal at all, or at the very least that you were not accepting it?

To be frank I think that you have a lot of growing up to do before you think about getting married.

Dolbert

He's already proposed, why would you expect him to do it again? Sit down and say you want to talk about getting married.

ShaShaBear

Bit snotty of you to refuse to accept that you are engaged to your partner, but quite happily keep and use the ring he gave you for that purpose.

Seriously, suck it up and either plan the wedding or leave him instead of complaining that he hasn't managed to find the right moment to propose yet again for you and only you (since everyone else thinks you are already engaged).