No closure - how to get over it?

LegacyUser

I (F, late twenties) was with a guy for roughly 6 months earlier this year. We met through friends, and it was messy as we had to keep the relationship secret from everyone for various reasons.

Add some anxiety and a series of panic attacks and me getting a new job which was then followed with 6 weeks of stilted contact and eventual silence from himself culminating in him breaking up with me by text after I found him on Tinder and leaving me devastated.

I know it was a terrible premise for a relationship. I know it probably wasn't just meant to be. I know he's a jerk and he should never have treated me this way. I know that "this is what's wrong with how people treat mental health in this country" et al. I have brilliantly supportive and wonderful friends who are trying to hammer this into me at every opportunity.

I just can't seem to get over it. I can't seem to hate him enough to want to forget about him. I am literally pining for this amazing guy who changed my life and we had a plan and he was so invested in it - he named our future children and designed our future house. We had a whole future planned out. We had a life planned out. And that's all I can think about.

Keeping the big secret wasn't easy and sneaking around was painful but it was so worth it when it was just the two of us, curled up in bed listening to music and knowing that no matter what happened, it was just the two of us. It was amazing in every way and I have never loved somebody so deeply in my entire life and I have been in love twice before.

So, my question is, where do I go from here? I feel fine, mostly. I just think about him constantly. I think about our first kiss, our last kiss, the Friday nights and lazy Sunday mornings. I think about every little detail in those last few weeks and wonder what was the moment he decided that he was going to fcuk me over and leave me on my own.

I'm keeping busy, for the most part. I work constantly (10-12 hr days at the moment) and I go to the gym and see my friends and family.

I don't text him anymore, but I do check his whatsapp at least three times a day, just to see if he's been online and with a minute hope that a message might come through from him, but it's been 6 weeks now, so I doubt it. He's flat out denying anything ever happened in work to other people, which is lousy.

I just don't feel anything anymore. I smoke a lot of weed for pain relief from migraines, and that's contributing to the numbness, I know, but it's literally the only break I get from thinking about him. I drank for the first few weekends afterwards, just for something to do, but only felt worse afterwards. I just feel apathetic towards everything. Work is stressful, but I don't really care. My family are annoying, so I just avoid them. My friends ask too many questions, so I ramble incessantly about stuff I don't care about.

I'm just struggling to find a point in all of this. I had my big love, and now he, and the life we'd built together, is gone, so what's the point in doing anything? I don't feel any sense of purpose and feel totally depersonalised from the world. I just don't know what to do with myself now. I've no interest in meeting other people. I've no interest in getting a car and a mortgage and building a half life with someone I don't love in that way just to do what everyone else is doing.

I've been through worse break ups (family involved, money involved etc) but this is just like my entire heart has been shattered beyond repair, and without sounding too hysterical, i just feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life pining for this amazing guy who I'm never going to get back. It's like a really bad film. And I don't particularly care. I'm just going through the motions, getting through the day and then getting high at night so I can sleep and dream about him.

Has anyone ever been this broken by a person and if so, how (if at all) did you manage to come back from it?

pookie82

I think I remember you writing here about this before. If I remember correctly, you mentioned that you used weed to try and get through your mental illness and bad patch.

It's entirely possible he got tired of watching this and I don't blame him. You can't help suffering from anxiety but you CAN stop self medicating, which you seem disinclined to do. Few people want to embark upon a relationship with someone who smokes heavily. It's a drug which encourages laziness and demotivates even the most focused of people.

Instead of pining after what might have been, why don't you work on clearing out your life of drugs before meeting anyone else? Otherwise the next one will go the same route.

Also, for what it's worth ... you have an overly romanticised view of him, and it sounds like you guys discussed plans of building a house and having kids way too early. There's an immaturity in doing that. You should hold back a little more in the early days of seeing someone, that stuff isn't necessary to plan until you know for a fact you're intent on spending your lives together - very hard to gauge in 6 months if you ask me. You only knew him during this "honeymoon" period, so you had no time to really get a handle on all the faults I'm sure he has (like every human being).

You need to remind yourself he's not some sort of demi-god, just a nice guy who, for whatever reason, decided it was over and you two weren't right for each other. Accept that and get your drug habit in line because believe me, throwing weed into the mental illness mix will leave you in a world of pain.

LegacyUser

I am in the same situation, although completely different background of the relationship,it had the same outcome. It's been nearly four months and I still think about him constantly.
It's very easy to put someone on a throne that you thought meant the world to you. You need to start telling yourself he's not the guy you thought he was.
It's hard and it won't be easy but as my friends tell me it'll get easier with time.

LegacyUser

Doubt there was a particular moment he decided to screw you over so no point living in the past trying to over analyse everything. Like if he was on tinder he clearly just wasn't anywhere near as serious as you about the relationship and probably got a bit put off too by how emotionally involved you were after such a short spell.

Rekop dog

Doubt there was a particular moment he decided to screw you over so no point living in the past trying to over analyse everything. Like if he was on tinder he clearly just wasn't anywhere near as serious as you about the relationship and probably got a bit put off too by how emotionally involved you were after such a short spell.

miamee

As previously pointed ou, you do seem to have an overly romanticised view of the relationship. If it was so perfect, why did you have to keep it a secret from everyone? That sounds like a very bad start to any relationship. Regarding naming your kids and designing your future house, this sounds a bit OTT (though I am a bit of a relationship cynic ). In my experience, anything that is *that* intense from the start is likely to burn out really quickly.

You don't need to hate him to get over it...you just need to understand that you wanted different things from the relationship and he realised that. It doesn't excuse the way he gave you the silent treatment at the end and didn't break up with you properly until you spotted him on Tinder but let's be honest - that is a really good indication of the kind of person he *actually* is and it's not the person you hoped he might be.

manonboard

Your head seems all over the place op. You have my sympathies.

Theres a thread in your post that keeps resurfacing. You keep mentioning this life you had built together, the future, kids you had named...

In reality, it was a 6 month relationship and you romantiscised the **** out of it with a psychlogical promises state of happiness in the future with all those imagined happy things that represent hapiness to you.
I suspect you are suffering alot because you are resisting not the loss of this 6 month relationship that had 6 weeks of ****ty contact and forced secrecy rather than celebration, but because you are fearing the loss of this wonderful imagined future..
The thing is, it never existed. Its just a figment of a desire. Im suggesting this because if you can see this to be true.. then youll realise the loss was quite small in reality, as you didnt gave what you think you lost in the first place.
There was no happy ending here... the guy clearly isnt the kind of guy you want to end up with because hes the kind of guy who dumped you 6 months in in a **** silent way with no closure or friendship. Dont seperate these two guys in your head.. hes the same.. would you want to be with a guy who does this? ****ty ppl disrespect thier lovers and exes like this. Not future relationship material.

Id also suggest a cold turkey detox of your whatsapp stalking. It just feeds this pining that something can be salvaged and things can be happy again. Once again its pining for happiness in the future if he reality changes.

Let go of it. The only thing its giving you is unhappiness by dangling desires almost coming true in front of you.

Best of luck op.

Magicmatilda

There are many studies out there that will show that smoking cannabis is linked with an increase in anxiety and panic attacks, when smoked frquently or in large amounts. So I would suggest you cut that out/down.

Seek the help of a medical professional for pain relief for your migranes.

Delete his contact number from your phone, this will automatically delete him from whatsapp (I think)

Delete him from all other social media

I am going to assume that you don't have any hobbies (my experience of people who smoke a lot of weed is that they have no hobbies). Try and find something that you enjoy, painting, hiking, music, whatever and use that as a distraction. If I am wrong and you do have hobbies then immerse yourself in them.

You can't get over him because you are not allowing yourself to. You deserve to be treated better but you don't seem to believe that. If he works with you, is changing jobs an option??

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, he sounds like a major prat, and as difficult as it is to get over someone who got under your skin (despite the short amount of time with him) I have to say that I agree with the idea of over-romanticizing your relationship.

Now, as for the anxiety and panic attacks; I suffer from the same thing, but didn't self medicate - I got actual help. The thing about self medication is that it only 'lasts' for as long as the delusion of control lasts. You might think it was helping you for a time, but in reality you were just growing dependent on using it to solve your problems, and that was never going to be the case. From more of my personal experience being with someone who used a combination of work and alcohol to avoid issues, it's a recipe for disaster. You've got major underlying problems and you're going to have to start unpacking them piece by piece through counselling if you ever hope to get control over your mental health issues. Stories like yours break my heart, because I've been on the other side and it's disheartening to see someone throw their life away pretending that any form of self-medication will cure them. This whole 'not getting over' your douche ex is also part of the issue. All I can say is that you need to get professional help in order to deal with these issues directly, to see any long term change, because if you don't, you'll inevitably resent yourself and anyone who'll attempt to care about or love you in the future. The old saying: 'if you don't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?' comes to mind. You know you deserve better, you know you've issues, the only way to really mean it, however, is to actively get help and make yourself believe that your life can and will be better.

LegacyUser

Hi folks, OP here.

Thanks for all of the replies thusfar. Some sounds advice there.

I don't want to enter into loads of back and forth with individual people, just to save yourselves your own sanity! However, I just want to clarify that this post isn't about my drug use. I smoke a bit of weed the same way most people drink a bit of wine and that is the honest truth. Mostly at night, one joint, to help me sleep. Sometimes I won't even have any. The only reason I mention it is because I have noticeably upped my own intake to help numb the psychological pain of missing my ex. If I have a joint, the thoughts and the pain just slow down and ease up a little bit, enough so that I can get to sleep.

I really appreciate that kindness and empathy that emanates from your posts, and I wish I could absorb it. My friends have all echoed your advice below - he's a douche, you don't want someone like that in your life, you're self-medicating, you deserve better, it was too much too soon.

None of the above will stick in my head, and if it does, it's swiftly replaced by the memory of him kissing me or laughing etc. It's such bullsh1t, it's literally as though my brain does not want me to get over him.

I was actually in counselling for 6 months last year, and thought I had a handle on my issues but he has just shattered me into so many pieces and he's just carrying on with his life as though nothing happened and it's just so unfair. I almost want him to suffer, to feel some figment of the pain he has put me through.

Without playing the sympathy card, the last two years have been phenomenally sh1tty - financial difficulty, my parents had to sell their house, I was financially fcuked over by my housemate, health issues, job issues - the full recessionary starter pack. When I met my ex, I thought my luck had finally changed.

How do you move on when you've had no closure? Seriously? I had this love and this best friend and it's like he died except if he died then at least I could grieve for him but instead my head is melted with the knowledge that he's in his gaf 15 minutes up the road, moved on and I've just been written off as a crazy b1tch. It's just so unfair and I just don't see the point in anything anymore. Not in a suicidal way, just in a negative narcissistic way. I'm just so sad and so upset, all the time and it's really hard keeping it to myself because everyone expects me to be over him by now.

Sorry, my friends are all sick of me giving out about him, this is the first opportunity I've had to vent in a while.

LegacyUser

And just to clarify - again - I said I smoked a lot of weed in my OP and then I said I only smoke one joint a night. And at the moment, the former is true, but before my head got this fcuked up, it was the latter, the same way most people have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in the evening.

I'll be straight up and say I know none of the above is healthy, but I've been smoking weed for a good few years, and for various reasons, I don't want to go down any conversational route relating to proper/improper drug use.

The level at which I'm smoking weed at the minute is a symptom of how messed up my head is and how numb I'm feeling and that's what I'm posting here for and that's the only reason I've mentioned it.

Thanks again for your considerate replies.

DukeOfTheSharp

Closure is overrated, and sometimes you just don't need it. Crappy people are crappy people, what they do seems so complicated but the truth is that they're just awful, karma will get them eventually, it always does.

As for everything else, you've had a hard few years, and while you did have a particular handle on your issues, the fact is that this whole ex thing is a completely separate one. Unfortunately how you're perceiving the problem and how you're reaction shows that you may be relapsing into a state of depression, without even realising it, and it can happen.

The main issue here is that you had such a bad run and contributed so much good to your ex that this was always going to happen. It's hard for people to understand that, but the way you feel isn't something that you should be 'over' as such, it's something that you've directly tied with a part of your life that things started to turn around, at least from your perspective. You're fixated on what he was to you, so you've segregated all the terrible things he's done and are trying to rationalise it, but you're struggling - it's called cognitive dissonance; holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time. For people with mental health issues, this can be made a lot worse. I can't tell you what to do, your drug use is your business, if it's not self-medication it's grand, who cares what you do on your time and it really has nothing to do with this, but I might suggest you to return to a counselor and try to unpack the issues once more, because something like this is very complex and difficult.

dellas1979

You need a good dose of reality so you can bring yourself around. Noone here (or friends or family) can do this for you. Only you.

You know, you can train your brain to do anything.

When the thoughts and panic come in, you need to ground yourself. You need to bring yourself back to right now, in this present moment. And by all accounts, you are OK.

Every time a lovey dovey thought comes into your head, you need to push it out. You need to make a very conscious effort to do this. It doesnt happen over night. But if you try and keep going it will become automatic and you will feel it.

Id also recommend you go back to councelling.

Addle

What is 'closure'? Had anyone ever heard of it before it was mentioned on Friends?
Change your whatsapp settings op, or just get rid of it altogether.
Time will help you get over the relationship.

Freedom212

This is a very hard situation OP, there are no words that can instantly solve your pain. I was physically sick with my pain through my recent breakup, but I can say I am getting better. The only thing you can do is hold onto a belief. Whatever that may be. Believe in yourself, believe in what you want to do with your life.. You may not be where you want to be in your life right now but you need to BELIEVE you will get there. It starts with the small things, like being nicer to yourself and more forgiving of yourself. I know this isn't an easy thing to ask, but the way to heal yourself is to start thinking more highly of yourself. Once you do this you will be more capable of dealing with your problems because you will have built a belief in your ability to cope with times of adversity and gain your own self worth, then you realise yeah I am worth more than that idiot. You have to learn how to see people for what they are, and let them be that way..it shouldn't matter to you any more because its their problem not yours. It has come and gone and now is the time to LET GO. And it's not just him you have to let go, it's the pain that comes with it and all these built up negative thoughts. Letting go is a crucial aspect of life, we only learn how to let go with experiencing great pains and sorrows unfortunately.. This takes work to do this but you can do it!

I was sucked into someone who was not worth it too. I was a completely different person when I met him, I lit up the room and was very positive in my way of thinking and fully confident of who I was. Then I got sucked in and now, people who've seen what he had done to me only saw a shadow of what I was before, I barely wanted to do anything and suffered deep depression. And what for? All because of some immature guy who didn't know what he wanted. My own self worth was crushed by someone who I now realise never really deserved to have that power over me in the first place. People can see when your soul is being crushed and no matter what anyone said to me I just couldn't lift myself back up. I eventually did but only through one thing, self belief. I found meditation to be excellent for this and also mindfulness.

Stay away from anything to do with them. Don't look on any social media pages for now with them on it.. it just prolongs the pain if you do.

You will get through this.

Neyite

OP, nobody ever gets closure off their ex. People break up and use excuses to soften the blow. That's why you get a nice "its not you, its me" speech rather than "well, I met someone else and I fancy her more than you" or "well, you were always just miss right-for-now". Closure is a euphemism for giving a reason that will soften the blow.

You were mad about this guy, an intense whirlwind. But as someone else upthread mentioned, these typically burn out fast. The ones that generally go the distance start off a lot slower in terms of discussing houses or kids. It's like lighting paper to warm yourself instead of coal. Gone in a flash.

It takes time to get over someone who turned your life upside down and left just as fast. Counselling can help, but its really about giving yourself time to lick your wounds a bit, keeping yourself busy and taking a day at a time until one day, you meet someone else that interests you.

LegacyUser

There is no point in me of anyone on this thread telling you what a d*ck he was to you, how you deserve so much more, because it will literally go in one ear and out the other wont it? You are literally craving the way he made you feel, and you don't associate his actions with the guy who made you feel that kind of love. But as always the case when someone comes on these threads absolutely gushing about someone to the point they're like some mythical magical demi god, the next paragraph is how this 'god' absolutely stamped all over their heart in the most cold ways possible. When someone builds a person up THAT much it will eventually go to sh*t. Im sorry but it's true. You were looking to this person as the answer to all your problems.

You fixated so much on him because of all that was missing in your life and all the bad stuff that had happened you. This NEVER works. It would have scared me away, way before 6 months if I got the vibe I was literally the reason for someone's life and happiness after that long, because that is waaaaay too much pressure..who would want to be with someone who has nothing else going on they really value and are not already extremely happy with their lot? You have to be an addition, a bonus to someone's life for a relationship to work, not their absolute emotional crutch and the reason that their mental health issues are kept at bay. That's so wrong. I would hate to have that responsibility after a few months, sorry if that sounds unempathetic but that is the way he was thinking. It was too much and knew you were way more into it than him. We all want that insane passion but in reality it doesn't actually work, it crashes and burns usually. As someone else said, as boring as it seems, its the long slow burners that work out.

I know you don't want to listen to this but you're just thinking 'I want that feeling back, I don't care how he acted, I don't care if he wasnt as into it, I want that feeling', but that's selfish and meaningless because he just didnt feel it back. If you truly loved him you would want him to be fully happy with someone who makes him feel like you do for him. But because infatuation is inherently all about YOUR feelings, you don't actually care about his happiness, which is what real love is. You didnt know him long enough for you to really love him where you let him go so he finds happiness because that's your priority. YOUR feelings are your priority right now.
You think if I had just done this or that, then he'd feel what I feel and it would be all rosy. No, YOU need to get happy on your own. You want him to do that for you because well its way easier than having to do it yourself, everyone wants someone to come along and make them happy and their life worth living. HE doesn't want to do that. He cannot, nor ever would want to do that. So take this as a lesson learnt and a much needed albeit painful journey which will lead to growth in your maturity and life experience. Take that energy and focus you're directing at him and turn it inward, become the very best version of yourself, heal yourself and don't waste any more of your precious time over something that was never going to work. If your goal is to stop feeling like this, it will take discipline and effort, even when you dont feel like it, like everything else in life that succeeds.

Tigger99

I actually think you are concentrating on the wrong thing. You can't magic away thoughts of him by sheer force of will. Your post breaks my heart, you sound so sad and lonely. Perhaps this relationship affected you more than others because it was such a contrast to what you're been through before that. You wanted hope and that relationship gave it to you.

Maybe you keep driving yourself mad, thinking what if, ruminating on that because by keeping him so active in your head it keeps the hope alive that he'll come back and make it better again.

It has only been 6 weeks, no wonder it feels so raw for you.

Maybe instead of focusing on forgetting him you should go back to counselling and focus on being kinder and more forgiving to yourself. The fact that you call a hidden relationship that he ended in such a cowardly way the love of your life and your best friend is selling yourself short I think.

OneOfThem

What's all this closure talk? He ended it with you. That's closure. You drifted apart, contact waned, then he broke up with you. Closure. Relationship got going, then as it progressed he stopped feeling it, so he ended it. I really don't think trying to paint him as some monster that stole your organs while you slept and vanished off the face of the earth is doing you any favours. He didn't do things in the most impeccable and thoughtful way possible. But you're blowing things way way way out of proportion. Bit of a reality check needed. The relationship fizzled out for him, he dragged his feet on pulling the trigger like people do all the time, then he ended it. He didn't ride your sisters and then clean out your bank accounts. Happens every day. It wasn't the most fluffy and pleasant ends to a relationship, but it's not the atrocity you're painting it as.

Time to stop feeding the mortally wounded victim mentality in your own head. That's how you'll find your closure.

pookie82

justdontcare wrote: »

And just to clarify - again - I said I smoked a lot of weed in my OP and then I said I only smoke one joint a night. And at the moment, the former is true, but before my head got this fcuked up, it was the latter, the same way most people have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in the evening.

I'll be straight up and say I know none of the above is healthy, but I've been smoking weed for a good few years, and for various reasons, I don't want to go down any conversational route relating to proper/improper drug use.

The level at which I'm smoking weed at the minute is a symptom of how messed up my head is and how numb I'm feeling and that's what I'm posting here for and that's the only reason I've mentioned it.

Thanks again for your considerate replies.

Hi OP,

I don't think most people have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer in the evening ... maybe on weekends.

Just to clarify... if you came on here and said "I'm having a few glasses of wine every night to dull the pain, it's the only thing that helps" then I'd say the exact same thing to you - to cut that out. You're depending on something that hasn't been prescribed to alter your mood.

You say yourself it's making you numb ... you can't overcome emotional pain if you're numbing yourself to it. You have to deal with it head on, live it, feel it, process it, and then move on. Otherwise your psyche will store it up for dealing with at another stage ... maybe months/years down the line. You can try to delay it and block it out with distractions all you like, you're just kicking the can further down the road, really.

I'm not trying to attack you but there's no point in giving you any advice until you realise your substance use is contributing to your inability to move on here and, I'm sure, your general low mood and sense of hopelessness.

Anyway, I'm not going to comment again as you don't want to be told to alter your habits, just that there's some magic wand that will make you get over it. I unfortunately don't have one, but I genuinely wish you the best.

Oryx

You create your own closure by seeing the situation as it really was. Relationships end. Life would be weird if they didnt. The only reason your are finding this ending so hard is because you are already weak and lonely. If your life was more full you wouldnt miss your ex at all.

Your justification for smoking is an excuse. Paint it any way you like, you dont need it and it is harming you. Plenty of people deal with dreadful stress and pain without needing a spliff. Your first hurdle is to acknowledge it as a crutch, and stop making excuses about it.

You had a secret relationship. So it wasnt real. Your imagination filled in the gaps and made up an actual fairytale future. You need to accept that real life is not like that, and everything ends. Your real happiness has to be built by you, not propped up by drink, weed, or other people. Delete this guy in every way. Do not think about him, when you do, distract yourself. Absolutely do not stalk him on whatsapp or anywhere else, it just reignites everything. After that, allow that it takes time. He was an addiction, and you need to stay completely away.

Starokan

your broken hearted op time is the only thing that will get you over this but you can do a lot of things to shorten the length of time & as much of the people who post here will tell you it does get better, it becomes bearable first and then one day you just don't care anymore

Forget the idea of closure , many people have said it here you create your own closure, no big conversation will ever change or alter the fact that the relationship is over.

In your head this was the perfect relationship , the one if you like but what you are not seeing is that for it to be the perfect relationship it had to be that way for him too and unfortunately it was not. If you can understand and accept that then you will be able to move on.

To move on and not be completely miserable all the time I would say

- Keep busy for 14-15 hours a day, if your not working then exercise or do something with family or friends, don't allow yourself to have time to dwell on whats gone, you need to be so tired when you head to bed that sleep is the only option, even if you get only five hours a night uninterrupted you will be a lot better for it

- Don't be afraid to talk to people, friends, family, work colleagues, strangers - it does not really matter who, when you need to talk talk - getting it out is a part of getting over something. You will be surprised just how many people have gone through something similar.

- Take him off the pedestal he is on, you do not have to hate him but recognise that this perfect guy you see really is not that person

- Work on getting yourself right, its always interested me that some people can go through a break up and be pretty much okay within a few days or a week and then others of us (myself included) go through the most devastating time. I believe its lack of self esteem , we do not love ourselves enough so that when someone else takes their love away we see it as a massive personal rejection instead of what it really is which is someone else saying "I just don't want to be in a relationship" . So basically try and build up your own self esteem

- Delete his number from your phone, effectively treat him as if he doesn't exist - he chose to end this relationship, that's fine but do not allow him to occupy any more of your headspace, its already gone on way too long. If you guys have to see each other here and there just say hi and move on.

Be the best and happiest version of yourself that you can be and believe me you will be back to rights in no time, concentrate on the present moment, this relationship can only cause you pain if you allow your mind to drift back to the past. Stop doing it, everytime he comes into your mind consciously stop the thought and move to concentrating on whatever you are doing at the time

Merkin

OneOfThem wrote: »

What's all this closure talk? He ended it with you. That's closure. You drifted apart, contact waned, then he broke up with you. Closure. Relationship got going, then as it progressed he stopped feeling it, so he ended it. I really don't think trying to paint him as some monster that stole your organs while you slept and vanished off the face of the earth is doing you any favours. He didn't do things in the most impeccable and thoughtful way possible. But you're blowing things way way way out of proportion. Bit of a reality check needed. The relationship fizzled out for him, he dragged his feet on pulling the trigger like people do all the time, then he ended it. He didn't ride your sisters and then clean out your bank accounts. Happens every day. It wasn't the most fluffy and pleasant ends to a relationship, but it's not the atrocity you're painting it as.

Time to stop feeding the mortally wounded victim mentality in your own head. That's how you'll find your closure.

You're already on a yellow card for your rude and all too quick to attack posting style. Post like this again and you can take a break from PI. Go and read the charter because you're evidently not at all familiar with it.