I miss my ex's friendship.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex of four years just over a year ago. As break-ups go, it went pretty well...As in neither of us hate each other, and there was no cheating or anything horrible or major like that. The relationship just sort of came to its natural end and we were both very amicable about the whole thing and agreed to stay friends.

While saying this I must admit that it was more his choice than mine. I knew/know it was the right decision (we were just at different stages in life and wanted different things, I'm in my early 20s and he's late 20s), but at the time I still loved him so much and was pretty heartbroken about the whole thing.

We stayed in contact and maintained a friendly relationship after the break up, in the beginning we'd still chat once or twice a week and meet up for coffee every couple of weeks or so. I was happy with this, and although I was still pretty heartbroken about the break-up I was glad we could still stay friends, as I'll always care about him as a person/friend. We were good friends before going out, and even a relationship is basically just being best friends but with extras, so I was happy to try to keep that friendship, even without the extras.

Within about 6 months after breaking up we both started seeing new people, each of us told the other about our new people and we were both fine with it.

Like I said above, for the first while after breaking up we'd be in contact a few times a week and meet up regularly enough. But now, as time has gone our contact has gotten less and less, which to an extent I understand, and its natural. We're both busy with our seperate lives and thats grand. But I do actually really miss his friendship now.


A few months ago, in the space of about a month or two I'd messaged him to see if he would like to meet up for coffee once or twice, and both times his replies were pretty vague and disinterested, I then decided to send a quick message saying "Hey, I don't know if I'm reading you wrong but lately you seem a bit disinterested in being mates, I don't know if thats the case or not and I know we're both busy, but I hope we can continue to make an effort stay friends" He replied saying that its not the case at all and he was just busy and he'd give me a shout when he's free next. I thought that was grand, but since then he hasn't really been in contact.

I've bumped into him on nights out once or twice since then and we'd say hi to each other and have a quick polite chat, but I still can't help but really miss him as friend.

I know I said before that when we broke up I was heartbroken, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I didn't really want it to happen, so I know people might think I'm still in love with him and if thats the case we shouldn't be friends.... I actually don't know how I feel. I am in a new relationship now and I am happy in it. I will always love my ex as person but I am fairly sure that its not in a romantic way now. I definitely don't want to get back together with him anyway but it does make me sad that we've become strangers / aquaintances.

Any advice on what to do?

I already sent him that message a few months ago that I mentioned before, so I don't want to seem to eager or clingy or whatever. I have been close to sending another text like that recently but decided against it.

pookie82

Honestly? Let it go. Accept that sometimes in life people who were important to us at one stage or another will drift away with time and circumstance, and that that's the way life works.

You seem a little hazy on the full extent of your residual feelings for him; I suspect they're more than purely platonic. You seem to be harkening for the connection you guys once had. Are you sure it's fair to be in something new with someone else?

Also, am I to take it he's still in something new with someone else? In which case, you should probably leave well enough alone.

You've done all you can - you expressed your concerns and asked him outright if something had changed, and he said no. He possibly meant that too, and I know this is going to hurt but ... it could be that he's just moved on, and you're not in his thoughts anymore when he has free time. You're no longer the person he chooses to spend it with. Maybe his new relationship is intensifying and he doesn't want to muddy the waters and keep connecting with you. Maybe he'd find it awkward and odd to tell his new gf twice a month: "yeah, I'm just going for coffee with my ex".

I have to say, if I started seeing someone and found out they were missing their ex this much, it wouldn't bode well for us, to be honest. Maybe you don't want to get back with him but that doesn't mean you're fully over him. This is bothering you too much and it's not very fair on the new person, on either side.

batmanrobin

Hi OP, I think it's best you draw a line under it. It doesn't seem like you're fully over things. I always think it's a bad idea to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup. It doesn't matter how amicable the split, both parties need time to deal with the changes. By staying friends, your feelings for him were never really put to bed.

I imagine he did mean it at the time when he said to be friends but now that it's over a year later and he's with someone else, his need to still have you in his life is gone.

Maybe think twice about being in a relationship with someone if you're feeling this way. It's not really fair on the new guy. Give yourself time to properly get over your ex.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies.

I like this forum because of the impartial advice and the home truths you get, its different when talking to people who know me and the situation better, because strangers on the internet don't need to try spare my feelings or sugarcoat things and I think they can see things in a more straight forward and clear way... So thanks for that!

As for being over my ex, I'm really not sure if I am or not...

I have moved on, and I am happy with my new bf, and I'm happy for him and his new gf, and logically I do know that we shouldn't be together, but I do have to admit I probably do have more feelings for him than I should. I wouldn't say I'm madly in love with him or anything. But I do think about/miss him more than I should, given that its been over a year and we've both moved on romantically. And people have asked is it fair on my new boyfriend for me to feel this way... Its probably not...

I was going to start another thread about my new boyfriend but maybe I'll just write about it (and hopefully get some advice) about that here...

I started seeing my new guy about 3 months after breaking up with my ex. We've been friends for a few years, and just starting chatting loads, always bumping into each other on nights out etc, and eventually one thing led to another and we got together. We've been seeing each other for about 9 months now and "official" for about 6.

Now, he is a truly great guy and we get on really well, the sex is great, and he treats me so amazingly well. I do love him.

Towards the end of my last relationship, me and my ex were basically just friends... Little to no sex or romance or anything like that, so I'm really happy how much of all that stuff I'm getting in my new relationship... But I do sometimes wonder am I not fully over my ex, and is it fair on my new bf. I also think back on how it felt to be madly, passionately, obsessed-with-eachother in love, like how things once were with my ex... And I don't know if I really feel that with my new guy.

In my head I know he's a great person and a great boyfriend, and we do get on really well, but at the same time I can help have some doubts. There's just not REALLY that "spark" for me.... But he is absolutely head over heels mad about me, thinks I'm the best person ever... This makes me feel guilty for not feeling the exact same, and also makes me think if someone loves me that much, is that nice to me, and I get on with them, I should feel the same..

To be honest my heads an absolute mess at the moment

The replies so far have been really helpful. I hope you all don't mind my long post and hope I can get some more replies and help

Thanks

njs030

Everyone compares their current relationship to previous ones now and then but you seem to be doing it to a greater extent and with rose tinted glasses, it's not fair on the person you are with and maybe you would be better of having time alone to clear your head.

In terms of your ex as he's moved on he is probably getting the friendship and emotional support from his new girlfriend. To put it bluntly he doesn't have any "need" for you in his life because she is filling that gap whereas you're holding on to a space for him and not fully moving on.
Also its likely his girlfriend asked him to cut contact with you and he's trying to be gentle. Very few women would be comfortable with their boyfriend having a high level of contact with a recent ex without a good reason (i.e children).

I think you have to accept he has moved on and you should do the same and stop looking over your shoulder at him. Hard as it is breaking all ties is the best thing for a while at least.

jlm29

Op, you need to forget about your old bf. I know it can be hard to lose a friend as well as a boyfriend, but that's just part of it. It passes in time if there's no contact. Best thing you can do is cut contact and delete number from your phone etc (that one always makes me laugh a little, Because his phone number is probably engraved on your brain!

Being honest, I think you should also consider ending things with your new boyfriend. If you're having doubts, he deserves more. And you didn't give yourself much time to get over your old relationship. I think nobody can be totally happy in a relationship unless they've had time to be happy on their own, able to fill their time, and satisfied in their own company first.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

I know I'm a good bit older than you but I was in almost the exact same situation as you are now at one point.
I was dumped by someone I had envisioned a future with, was mad about and when it happened, even though I saw it coming, I was devastated. It took me at least 2 years to get over him, even when I started to go out with a great guy who had been a friend for a few years. One night I looked at this fantastic man who had been so kind and patient and caring and I realized I was wasting what could be the beginnings of a great relationship pining over someone who thought I was below their social status and, frankly, wasn't good enough for them. I know that's not the reason your previous relationship ended, but the blinkers have to come off vis. your ex and how he has moved on and at the very least give yourself & your new man a fighting chance.

zeffabelli

I could be way off here but I smell a female commitment phobe! Much harder to spot than the men.

1. Your refusing to mourn your ex. Your refusing to let go and thereby sabotaging what you have now. Bell ringing number 1.

2. Your ambivalence is going to create anxiety which is going to cause conflict which leads to further sabotage. Bell ringing number 2.

3. The ambivalence is not fair on the guy you are with now. He's going to sense it and you'll create s situation where he can't act responsibly and it will drive him away or end it. Bell number 3.

4. Your setting up a psychological triangle so you can't be fully present to either.

Congratulations this is an expert plan on self sabotage, so good I could have come up with it myself.

You will have to make some very conscious decisions.

Be present to whom you have chosen.

When you choose someone you must be responsible, don't run because you are scared be mindful of your sabotage.

Tigger99

The new guy can be the best in the world but if you feel guilty for not feeling what he feels for you that's a pretty big sign that it's not the relationship for you. I've been in your situation recently and it was a horrible feeling.

You are talking like there are just two options, new guy or ex. There's actually four. You could meet someone different again and have a relationship that is more equal feelings wise for both of you. Also you could take the time to be single for a while.