Does this make sense to you?

joecc

make sense to you, immediately?
is there a line, that throws you?

it's Verse 1....

I peel off, roll away,
all the days of love and regret,
from the label of this long-neck

Flash a wide search light,
in my murky mem'ry,
Still all my failings, fail to kill me....

Notavirus.exe

joecc wrote: »

make sense to you, immediately?
is there a line, that throws you?

it's Verse 1....

I peel off, roll away,
all the days of love and regret,
from the label of this long-neck

Flash a wide search light,
in my murky mem'ry,
Still all my failings, fail to kill me....

I don't have experience in songs but I keep stumbling on what I've put in bold. "from the label of this long neck" makes me stumble.

Kev W

It makes total sense to me, really nice wordplay.

joecc

Notavirus.exe wrote: »

I don't have experience in songs but I keep stumbling on what I've put in bold. "from the label of this long neck" makes me stumble.

It's just that situation when you're on your own, and you're peeling off the label off a bottle of booze, and thinking of all your downfalls, regrets, mishaps, fxxk up's etc....

that's what I was getting at.....

thanks for your reply...

joecc

Kev W wrote: »

It makes total sense to me, really nice wordplay.

thanks, thanks...hope all is well.

Notavirus.exe

joecc wrote: »

It's just that situation when you're on your own, and you're peeling off the label off a bottle of booze, and thinking of all your downfalls, regrets, mishaps, fxxk up's etc....

that's what I was getting at.....

thanks for your reply...

Don't take my opinion seriously, I'm no expert on this.

I wouldn't imagine a label to be on a bottle's neck though, it makes me go "what?" every time I read it. All I'm doing is criticising, don't listen to me.

joecc

It's just something that was in my head...peeling off the label off a long neck bottle...whilst thinking of this and that...

joecc

joecc wrote: »

make sense to you, immediately?
is there a line, that throws you?

it's Verse 1....

I peel off, roll away,
all the days of love and regret,
from the label of this long-neck

Flash a wide search light,
in my murky mem'ry,
Still all my failings, fail to kill me....

First of all what you're writing about would make a good song but for me as i was reading it the way you have your lyric lines did make me stumble at times but i think you can easily fix that, just a example of what i mean.

peel off days of love and regret,
tearing away the label of this long-neck
flash a wide search light in murky memories,
still all my failures, fail to kill me

Kev W

Notavirus.exe wrote: »

Don't take my opinion seriously, I'm no expert on this.

I wouldn't imagine a label to be on a bottle's neck though, it makes me go "what?" every time I read it. All I'm doing is criticising, don't listen to me.

You don't have to imagine it. Beer bottle necks have labels.