Girlfriend issues, all very recent.

Tin Roof

Hi All,

I'm a regular poster here but I want to remain anonymous.

I met this girl before last Christmas and we became an item in January. It was amazing at the start (as with many relationships) , lots of happiness, general hanging out and also getting out of the town and stuff. I am based in <SNIP> and she is Canadian.

She works for herself here, and as with the freelance life, there is a lot of work involved in just getting work. She is a very positive person, lots of smiling and worked for <SNIP>

We have never fought or anything like that but had maybe one or 2 conversations about some things that happened, but nothing to really derail anything. A lot of her close friends are getting married and having children, we did chat about this and I mentioned that I felt it is vey early in our relationship to consider it. She agreed and also said it wasn't on her radar and agreed with was early, which at the time of the conversation it was.

Things changed a few weeks back.

She took a week off to unwind and relax, and when she returned to work, there was a bit of a backlog and it started a chain reaction. She was very upset and overwhelmed with the work load and it made her being to question if what she was doing was making her happy and this then spilled into a conversation about us, and how she felt about that. She thought that I NEVER wanted children or marriage, which is not the case. Another thing to note is that with my current status in Canada immigration wise, I am in a bit of limbo and waiting for my residency to be settled, this has made me not look too far in the future as it is not a guarantee that I will get it, and for fear of jinxing it I try not to think too much about this.

We resolved the talk by agreeing that we need to communicate more, and she also highlighted that her stress levels have been very high lately, to the point where is has zapped her sex drive (not a big issue to me) and gives her upset stomachs. More and more lately though, I have found that she is very blunt with me, and not at all like what she used to be like with me, I would describe it more that she is generally not happy at all.

I obviously think that the source of her unhappiness is me, and I myself struggle with confidence and trust at the best of times from bullying as a child. I did talk with her again about this the other night and she said sorry for the bluntness and how that makes me assess some of the situations.

With all of this, I have had thoughts of breaking it off or going on a break. I am actively struggling to enjoy it lately and I know that relationships aren't plain sailing, and can be hard work. It feels like the feeling within the relationship has fallen off a cliff. She has thanked me for my patience a lot and I would feel like I have betrayed that if I did call it off or take a break.

Bit lost with all of this, so any advice is much appreciated.

Thanks

bee06

Sounds like she's stressed at work and is taking it out on you. It's not the right way of handling it and not fair on you but it happens and I've done it myself. I suppose what you need to decide it whether you want to run at the first sign of trouble. If you don't think all the good times you've had and could have in the future make up for some crankiness while she's going through a tough time at work then you probably should break up with her.

beks101

I think your mindsets are a bit at odds with each other right now.

She's in a head space where she's thinking about the future, her career and marriage and all that shebang, and probably due to her stress levels she's becoming a bit too introspective as many people do. I'd be a bit like that too when my anxiety levels are up - questioning everything around me and overthinking things that I otherwise wouldn't be too bothered about because my mind is on edge.

You on the other hand are avoiding the 'future' thing altogether as you know you're not in a position to make her any promises. That's fairly normal too. I lived in Canada for a time also and I know exactly what it's like to be in limbo visa-wise and in turn, a bit avoidant of any future plans. You can't and won't commit to anything because there's a big fat question mark hanging over your head.

I'd say that might be the source of your OH's bluntness. She's stressed and seeking comfort and reassurance that she's still got a future with you, even if things in her career are a bit all over the place...and despite your rhetoric she knows you can't really give her the comfort she needs.

I guess what it boils down to is a single question. Do you see a future with her? Regardless of what happens with your visa. Are you willing to commit to making it work with this woman, whether you end up staying in Canada or not? Would you do the long-distance thing if it came to it, or would you move somewhere else together...or would it be an indefinite break-up if you didn't end up staying in Vancouver? Do you see yourself with her, and happy together, in the long term?

Tin Roof

I have asked myself that already quite a bit, and the answer is Yes.

Today I sent her a little quote from a writer that she likes, in relation to her current situation and about something that happened today, and she was very appreciative about it.

I think it might be a case of weathering a storm right now, I don't think she is happy with her current work situation and how much time it is taking up. I will probably talk with her again about it, and reassert my commitment, but I don't want to overdo it either cause that could work against it.

LegacyUser

OP, Brad Pitt wrote a beautifully eloquent post on Facebook about his recent marriage struggles& how he overcame them. Read it, it's inspiring.

beks101

Well I guess then you have to figure out your own future plans and factor her into them. And most importantly, make it known to her that you're not going to disappear into oblivion if your PR doesn't come through. You're a couple, regardless, and will work at a life together.

With that reassurance your OH's mood might change. She might relax a little and you might get back to where you were before this particular boo-boo.

Tin Roof

beks101 wrote: »

I think your mindsets are a bit at odds with each other right now.

She's in a head space where she's thinking about the future, her career and marriage and all that shebang, and probably due to her stress levels she's becoming a bit too introspective as many people do. I'd be a bit like that too when my anxiety levels are up - questioning everything around me and overthinking things that I otherwise wouldn't be too bothered about because my mind is on edge.

You on the other hand are avoiding the 'future' thing altogether as you know you're not in a position to make her any promises. That's fairly normal too. I lived in Canada for a time also and I know exactly what it's like to be in limbo visa-wise and in turn, a bit avoidant of any future plans. You can't and won't commit to anything because there's a big fat question mark hanging over your head.

I'd say that might be the source of your OH's bluntness. She's stressed and seeking comfort and reassurance that she's still got a future with you, even if things in her career are a bit all over the place...and despite your rhetoric she knows you can't really give her the comfort she needs.

I guess what it boils down to is a single question. Do you see a future with her? Regardless of what happens with your visa. Are you willing to commit to making it work with this woman, whether you end up staying in Canada or not? Would you do the long-distance thing if it came to it, or would you move somewhere else together...or would it be an indefinite break-up if you didn't end up staying in Vancouver? Do you see yourself with her, and happy together, in the long term?

So we chatted on Monday, and this was more or less exactly how it was worded. She likes to think of the future and at that time I wasn't doing that.

Now that my future in Canada is looking a bit better with getting a provincial nomination recently, i can work on that more.

Its mainly around communication, what I want to do in Canada, what makes me happy etc. I t was a very open conversation but it was good.

Things are already feeling ten times better.

Tin Roof

So an update.

We broke up yesterday after a few conversations about possibly working it out. I was putting a lot into the relationship to try and get it back on track and to how it used to feel. But I was feeling way too much push back and lack of commitment from her, she also agreed with this as well so it was more of a amicable split.

She took it pretty bad, and it was rough seeing her cry like that. She was more sad than anything but I agreed that it was a bit of one way traffic with the feelings. We talked last Thursday and she said she wasn't sure if there was a future in it anymore, once I heard that I was fairly settled in my head that it would need a drastic change of direction to get it back on track.

I do feel rather guilty in how I feel right now, which is a mix of relief and not being sad. The last few weeks have been very tough for me and I worked hard to try and get it back to how it was. But I can only do so much of that before I am fooling myself. The relief comes from knowing that I won't be getting the short answers from her anymore or sitting in the same company not knowing what she was thinking etc. Its nice in a way but again, I do feel some guilt from this.