Not sure what to do

LegacyUser

I recently broke up with my boyfriend last August and it was his decision to cut it off because he didn't have enough time for me and didn't seem to want to make time so he let me down a lot with things. Not only that, but he did it in a pretty unfair way, leading me on and cutting me off a lot when he wanted. He shouted at me a lot whenever we were trying to sort things out, I was always trying to make him see that we need to talk properly and calmly but he never did and would hang up on me a lot.. and I hate myself for letting him.

He ended it all on a whim, it was really impulsive just over a small argument that could've been sorted in five minutes. When I finally had enough of him ignoring my calls, I stopped all contact completely for my own sanity, he tried to contact me a few times but I ignored them. Only a week ago he texted me again and was looking to talk to me properly. I fell for it and replied. He said he still has feelings and hasn't moved on since. In fairness I still have a lot of strong feelings for him, but I was very distraught over how he left me, everyone thought it was awful.. it was pretty much 'ghosting'.. but now he's trying to come back. I'm worried how this contacting each other is going to affect me because of how badly I dealt with the breakup. I'm afraid to tell anyone that we are speaking. I felt myself becoming better through time and just as I begin to feel normal he's trying to be in my life again, which a part of me says I shouldn't let him and another feels I still want him in my life.

Even though he's contacted me and said he has feelings, it's as though I might end up waiting on him to make up for what he's done and tell me he wants to be with me.. but with how he's treated me in the past it feels like he'll lead me on and cut me off again when it suits him. It hasn't come to that yet. If I'm honest I love talking to him which is the hardest part. It feels normal sometimes like nothing ever happened, except we aren't actually in a relationship now. We haven't seen each other in since July since doesn't live here.

My feelings are still there and really would love him to make it right and want him to be with me again, but the conversations just aren't leading to that and I'm worried if I put it forward myself I'll just be setting myself up for failure since he made the decision to leave me.. and to be honest for me to feel okay with him coming back I feel I need him to make the move. He says some things like he misses me and things we did and is quite interested in knowing what I'm up to.. but he's not given me anything substantial.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience with being friends with an ex. I'm not friends with any of my other ex's. I read an article recently about toxic relationships and how people end up in a ongoing circle of it because they are too afraid to leave. Sometimes I feel I'm too afraid to leave.. because I'm reminded of the person he was before, and he seems like he is now again.. but in the back of my head I'm constantly saying, for how long. I guess I'm looking for some advice on this, is it okay to continue contacting each other? or are we setting ourselves up for another failure. A different perspective would be quite helpful.. thanks for reading.

Dial Hard

Did you break up in August 2014 or August just gone?

LegacyUser

Sorry, I meant it was August just gone.

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry Bluebird but you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak if you continue to engage with your ex. What he's doing now is a variation of what he was at in the run-up to your original split. My guess is that he's at a loose end and misses messing with your head. Nobody's perfect but I don't like the way he behaved towards you. Letting you down, shouting at you, hanging up the phone... Those are mean traits. Why do you think things will be better this time around?

Staying in touch with this guy is utter madness. Staying in touch with any ex after a break-up is rarely the right thing to do anyway. It's only when both people are over the split that they can then be friends. That's certainly not the case here. You've got feelings for him and you'd get back with him in a heartbeat.

The wisest thing you can do now is block him on your phone/social media and don't engage with him. All he's doing is setting you back. You know in your heart and soul that he is no good for you. It's easy for me to tell you to cut contact from behind a keyboard but it's what you must do. It's not going to be easy but in the long run you will be glad you found the strength to do it .

pookie82

Bluebird87 wrote: »

Even though he's contacted me and said he has feelings, it's as though I might end up waiting on him to make up for what he's done and tell me he wants to be with me.. but with how he's treated me in the past it feels like he'll lead me on and cut me off again when it suits him. It hasn't come to that yet. If I'm honest I love talking to him which is the hardest part. It feels normal sometimes like nothing ever happened, except we aren't actually in a relationship now. We haven't seen each other in since July since doesn't live here.

There's a really simple way to get an answer to all of this pretty quickly. Take the reigns here - don't sit around waiting for him to make a move. Something succinct and to the point like this should do it:

"What's the idea behind getting back in touch and talking now? What do you want? If you've realised you made a massive mistake and want to meet in person and are ready to commit with no strings, then we can meet and discuss it. Otherwise, please stop contacting me".

Put him on the spot instead of pussy footing around and emotionally torturing yourself with guess work as to his agenda.

If his answer is ANYTHING less than "I want to get back with you. I'm sorry for the way I acted and will give this everything I've got", then move on.

LegacyUser

Thank you odus fell down, I know what you are saying and what you said about knowing in my heart he's not right is very true and has sunken into my reality now.

Pookie, I decided do so what you said and asked him but he said he just wants to take it slow. Which leaves me in the same position I guess, limbo.

bp

It seems to me he is keeping you on the back burner to see if anything better comes along, sorry just my opinion and you deserve better

Ursus Horribilis

I get the impression that he's the one holding all the cards in this. He was the one who shouted you down, ignored your calls, cut you off, wouldn't make time for you and let you down. Yet you kept coming back for more it would appear. Now he wants to take it slow. Either he's keeping you on the back burner as an option or he's enjoying the control. Personally I'd cut contact and leave him be. Listen to what your gut is telling you, not your heart.

LegacyUser

I feel as though he is holding all the cards, but also he's making it out like he still wants me but he just won't commit to me any more, or he might in time. I guess what you said is right, he could be holding out for someone else which is what really worries me.. I just find it hard to know whether he is truthfully wanting to take it slow and work at it or just string me along until he's ready to go with someone else..

Ursus Horribilis

Going by what you've told us so far, I'd advise you to run to the hills. You very obviously like this guy but I'm not seeing any signs that it's reciprocated. Guys who are mad about their girlfriends make time to see them. They don't need to be asked. They don't hang up the phone on them, ignore their calls or shout at them. Your relationship seems to have been troublesome, at least in the latter stages. I hope for your sake that you haven't got yourself hooked on a bad boy. In very plain English, he wasn't very nice to you when you were his girlfriend. You also didn't have a great way of resolving arguments. Shouting and cutting off phone calls is not healthy. It's control. Be very careful.

Even now he's not exactly jumping up and down with enthusiasm, is he? Taking it slowly gives him licence to keep you at arm's length again. I would not be surprised if the same pattern of messing you around and dysfunction resumes if you take him back. I think you need to look very long and hard at yourself and ask why did you stand for such shoddy treatment first time around. You should be putting a value on yourself. Right now you're selling yourself very short.