My Personality

goose1

I wrote a thread before which has now been closed. It was about my awful relationship with my mother. I was accused, among many things, of sounding like a teenager. I agree. I often go through more turbulent moods than I ever did three years ago.

I don't know what the problem is. It's probably just me.

I never knew my dad. He tried getting in touch when I was about 8 and my mother blocked contact for no good reason. He died two years later.

He wrote me a letter. I don't know what it said. I was young at the time and keen to please my mother. She asked leading questions and I asked for the letter to be burned. I can't ask now as she refuses to speak about him.

Between 18-21 I was in an abusive relationship where I was hit and bitten. Eventually,my friends, worried,told my mother. She proceeded to inform my entire family while offering me no support. Her argument was 'I shouldn't be expected to have to handle this alone'.

This is pathetic, but my pet died last week and that was the final straw. She ws 16. I don't know what to do now. I think I'm moving to Singapore in 2 weeks but if not I have €30 a week and I'm hated in my own home. I have so many obstacles approaching me in my own life and I'm utterly terrified.

I know I came across terribly in my last post but I am so full of anger and resentment now I just don't know how else to be. With friends I'm fine but I'm just so stressed and upset the rest of the time.

WHAT can I do? I can't see a GP as I'm still waiting on a medical card and I've no money. I maybe could in Singapore.

fits

Why are you moving to singapore?

eviltwin

Do you live with her at the moment? I read your other thread and yes it was a rant but I can see where it was coming from. I have a similar toxic relationship with my own mother. Luckily I don't see her but even with that its hard at times so if you're at home sharing a space then I can understand why you blew a fuse.

Going away will probably be good for you provided you're not running away and have something to go to. Its probably worth getting some counselling at some point to help manage your relationship with your mother if you choose to continue with it. If you don't it will help you find some peace.

You've a lot going on, moving and losing a pet is a lot to handle but shifting your emotions back to your mother isn't the way to deal with them. You'll just go round in circles and use her as a fall back for all your negativity.

DeltaWhite

Yeah I read your other thread. Very ugly reading, the only thing I can suggest is going to a counsellor to sort out your issues. Coming on here and speaking the way you did about your Mam was horrible to read. You seem to care more that she only did her junior cert and never amounted to anything. I've heard of worse mothers out there.

So yeah... go talk to a professional and hopefully they can help you. Because I doubt anyone here can.

goose1

Thanks for not attacking me,I realise I deserved it after the last thread.

I'm moving to Singapore because I have work lined up, not only to escape.

Yes, I'm living at home right now and was on Jobseeker's the past three months which I realise must have been annoying. A massive student loan meant most of that went on repayments. I am left with €30 a week to save before Singapore and my mam is demanding €20 so in place of that I've just stopped eating at home.

Thank you to the above poster but she really isn't abusive, we're just very different and don't work together. I want a relationship with my mum though and I don't know what to do????

eviltwin

goose1 wrote: »

Thanks for not attacking me,I realise I deserved it after the last thread.

I'm moving to Singapore because I have work lined up, not only to escape.

Yes, I'm living at home right now and was on Jobseeker's the past three months which I realise must have been annoying. A massive student loan meant most of that went on repayments. I am left with €30 a week to save before Singapore and my mam is demanding €20 so in place of that I've just stopped eating at home.

Thank you to the above poster but she really isn't abusive, we're just very different and don't work together. I want a relationship with my mum though and I don't know what to do????

She's not exactly blameless here, her actions re your father are unfair and bound to cause tension between you, when you don't get support from your mother when you're in need it hurts. Rejection like that take a long time to get over if you ever do. Can you talk to her? Is she expecting you to stay in touch when you go? Does she show any interest in your plans?

It sounds like she is also hurt and damaged and you may have to face that you are unable to have a relationship with her at all, its a two way street.

Rekop dog

An adult reading their mothers texts is pretty damn pathetic. For your own good you should move and get a bit of perspective on life. You talk about wanting a relationship with her, maybe moving away and going it alone for a while will give you more appreciation for her, or maybe not but you're not in the current headspace for fixing that relationship.

goose1

I'm getting the impression again that it's me in the wrong. That might well be true. I don't know if other posters are just ignoring the part of my posts where my mother robbed me of any relationship with my dad and shamed me in front of the rest of the family after an abusive relationship or if they're just correctly asserting me as a bitch.

I'm not obsessed with her not having her Junior Cert. Just that she's lived her whole life off the state and yet claims she paid my way through college...ehhh no, I got grant. Or when she gives out that I'm a waste of space cause I'm on jobseeker's. Well, at least I'm looking for a real job. I don't think it's fair to pick me up on this point although I realise I phrased it badly.

She's not all bad. I know it was hard for her. I REALLY want us to have a fantasic relationship. My aunt and my cousins do. I get the counselling thing but that is not possible. I haven't the money and I haven't a medical card. I'm getting the impression that beyond waiting for counselling there's nothing else I can do.

goose1

Oh and I wasn't checking her texts. I was looking for a partiular message that she asked me to...

R.D. aka MR.D

I think the reason that you see people as blaming you is way that you talk about the situation. It comes off as being immature.

The thing is that a lot of people have had terrible childhoods. Bad things have happened. But part of the process of becoming an adult is learning to accept what has happened.

Your relationship with your mother seems to be stuck in a teenager mode. To be honest, I myself didn't get out of that until I was 22/23.

What you need to do is to look at things from a different perspective. You can't change the past. You can't change your mother. The only thing that you can change is your reaction to the situation. You need to try to accept this fact and move on from it.


Feeling this much anguish isn't doing you any favours. Counselling would help with this but it's not a possibility for you right now. Try to research online. See if you can find people who have had similar experiences to you and find out what has helped them.

via4

It sounds like you have unresolved issues because of your dad and the unanswered questions which I cant blame you for. Maybe write your mum a letter about how this has hurt you and you would like the truth. I read your other thread and I think people calling you immature are being a bit harsh everyone can get angry at times and your obviously frustrated atm.

goose1

I agree that I am totally stuck in teenage mode with my mother. And I'm immature.
I don't want to be but I am. I'm trying to be more mature.

Thanks to EvilTwin who agreed with me.

I miss my lovely cat, my friend took his own life recently, but NONE of that matters,apparently..I'm freaking out!!!!!!!!!!

Neyite

It's not that people are blaming you, but the only person you can work on in the relationship is you, if you know what I mean.

Where that leads you is anybody's guess. With a bit of guidance through counselling perhaps, you might identify the ways that are unhealthy communication patterns between both of you, identify flashpoints that traditionally would have gotten either of you riled up, and work on simple ways of handling them as they occur.

While you had a big rant on your other thread when you were angry, you are insightful to recognise that you went a bit OTT, and came back looking for advice to see what you can do to work on it. That took guts and is a great starting point.

So I'd suggest that when you start working and have a bit extra coming in, sign up for a bit of counselling to work on it. Our relationships with our family members evolve as we grow up and have our own families, so there will still be a relationship to be had, hopefully a healthier one with your mum.

jimmycrackcorm

I think op you could do with just talking about your issues in a little more detail without the vitriol otherwise it just sounds like you're having a rant at your mother. You're obviously upset and need an outlet; you can get good advice here but you'll get better if you explain what you feel and what triggers it. This thread is better because live at least mentioned that you have been affected by the difficult lack of interaction with your father.

One thing I don't under stand is how you think going to Singapore will help nor how that can even happen given your financial situation.

Pablodreamsofnew

In order to change you need to accept that you need to change. I feel like you just wrote this thread to justify your behaviour. I can still see that you really think your mother is the cause of all your issues even if you are writing about it a bit more maturely.

I think you should definitely move out of home. Giving your mother 30 euro a week is so little but you seem to begrudge that? Living on your own is going to be way more expensive than that, even if it is abroad.

Secondly- Your mother is not entirely to blame for the absence of your dad.
One letter when you were 8?! He could of tired harder, he could of found you, went through the courts etc. I think maybe in your mothers own way she was trying to shield you from maybe your father not wanting much of a relationship? Maybe there were things in that letter that you didn't understand as a 8 year old? Maybe your mother was protecting you?

Is it possible that your mother told your extended family about the abusive relationship because you would not listen to her and she was worried?
It really sounds like you don't respect your mother, therefore you would not listen to her advice? It sounds like you she had your best interests at heart.

Why should your mother pay for your third level education anyway? It's not an automatic entitlement? My parents never did, they simple could not afford it. A part time job and a grant can easily see you through college. Don't be bitter because you have college loans, it sucks but it was you who did the degree.

Could your mother be slagging you about being on Jobseekers allowance because you have a go at her about it? Do you slag her for being on job-seekers allowance? Both attitudes are immature but we can all say things in anger that we do not mean.

Do you know the name of your dad who passed? (sorry for you loss by the way) if you do, is there anyway you can establish a relationship with his family? Leave your mam out of it?

Trust me that if someone doesn't like you, disrespects you, despises you and looks down on you, you can tell without words! So your mother might be on the deffensive and therefore it's causing the bad relationship between the two of you.

Keep in mind, that this women raised you! She was there for you when your dad wasn't and she does love you. This is the woman who lets you live in her house as a adult and wants you home for Christmas. Not everyone has someone who wants them or has someone to be with at Christmas. If her cooking is so bad, can you help with Christmas dinner? A bit of oil on the turkey, and when the turkey is cooking, if you get a spoon and scoop some of the juices up and pour it back over the turkey, it will be nice and moist or order a takeout for the two of you? Christmas is not about the food. A tin of sweets and a movie together is so simple be nice.

As regard to your mother texting this guy.. It made me feel sad for her. She is human like the rest of us. I assume she probably hasn't been on the dating scene for awhile and is a bit rusty? Could you help her set up a dating profile or go out with her? Have you never liked someone and they didn't like you back? It happens, she isn't pathetic.

A little kindness goes a long way. Even if it isn't returned you still will be a better person for it.