becoming bitter and jealous

LegacyUser

hi guys, I am mother to a great 2 year old toddler. I have been out six times since she has been born , I don't drink or smoke etc.. studying part time accountancy ,on social welfare .

I just get so jealous of other parents with kids my age , I am 23 but i know a few 22/21 year olds with kids and wow not to be stereotyping but these girls can go out every weekend , go away on week holidays by themselves regularly without their baby or partner, earn extra money while on the dole as "MUA" make up artists not declaring the income to revenue , drive nice cars, etc... can pawn off their kids to grand parents partner.

it just annoys me so much I have my toddler 24/7 I adore her , I love having her with me, but i have lost most my friends as I could never go anywhere as I always had my toddler with me , which makes me lonely her dad doesn't help out and my parents wouldn't either not that I would bother them . he is my baby ,

just annoys me how people can splurge and just pawn off their kids and go enjoy as if they were childfree ...

how can i stop being like this

R.D. aka MR.D

You could speak to your GP if it's really getting you down.

I know this will sound harsh but at the end of the day, you made the choice to have her in the circumstances that you are now in. Life isn't fair. There will always be someone with more money or more time. You have to accept your own reality.

If you don't like how your current life is, then change it. It might be a slow process but working towards a goal can keep you focused on yourself and not looking around at others. You're studying accountancy so eventually you must see yourself getting a job. That's great. What more could you do to achieve that goal?

What good does it do you to resent others and have a negative outlook? It would be far better to own your situation and actively try to make things better for yourself.

bp

Fair play for keeping up your studies - that will definitely help in the long run .

I would suggest a parent and toddler group - try make some mammy friends and maybe they could watch your little man now and again.

It is tough - I have two, a husband and both sets of grandparents (who are great) and I can count on two hands how often we have been out as a couple in the past few years (on a date - not running errands)

zeffabelli

Why wouldn't you be bitter and resentful? Of course you are.

Parenting alone means chronic unmet needs for a long long time.

You need some you time. I wish o had a solution, other than to ride it out but I don't. I know where your coming from though!

Ann84

I was once where you are now and all I can say is it will get easier!!
In 10 years time, hopefully you'll get your qualifications and with your strong work ethic, a good job and double hopefully, a good salary! Like you I had my daughter young and I too watched other people earn and party while I worked and minded my daughter... I got a good job and worked and saved, I bought a house myself ... And worked and saved, and now those girls earn a lot less than me, have no house and still party like loonies.
(Nothing wrong with any of this just getting to a point...!)
So, I have since had a think and on reflection, I was never really like these other people, lots of my friends went travelling and I used to feel like my life was a bit unfair... But really, even if I hadn't had my daughter so young, I don't think I would have gone anyway, more would I really have wanted to go out every weekend...
However, you do need to have some life! Maybe you could make an arrangement to get 1 night out a month with your folks, don't be too proud, I know the pressure to show people your fine but even if it's just a cinema trip... Failing that, a teenager on your street who is babysitting cheap?! Life is all about balances so make sure you get a break and keep up the good work, it'll be worth it in the end!!!

Ursus Horribilis

You're going through a tough time so it makes sense that you're going to find yourself looking around and wondering what's it all about. There are always going to be people who scam the system, have more money than you do and appear to have everything nice come their way. It's a part of life I'm afraid. If you start thinking about these other people you'll just drive yourself a bit crazy.

If you could improve things in your own life it would help. You're dealing with an awful lot at the moment: a toddler, loneliness, trying to study, lack of support. Try to remember what it is you're trying to achieve here. What the bigger picture is. You're studying accountancy - when all is done and dusted you're going to have a career and money coming in. You'll also be teaching your little girl some good values. Do you really want to bring her up to believe that life on the dole is what she should be aiming for?

Why is it that everyone in your life seems to have gone away? All your friends? Your family? Are you sure there is nobody at all in your life that you can turn to? Why did you lose them all?
Is there anything local that you can go to with your little girl? Like a mother and toddler's group for example? Maybe you might make some friends there and get some support? I wonder have you turned so inwards on yourself that you've driven yourself a bit crazy?

MagicMarker

OP have you asked your parents to babysit? Even for just an afternoon? I find it odd that your daughters grandparents wouldn't want to do that.

Neyite

Being a parent is tough. Being a broke one when your facebook feed seems full of people checking in on holidays, putting snaps up of their nights out, weekends away, shopping trips, new cars - is tough can feel very isolating. Being a single mother and bearing the brunt of it all without either practical, financial or emotional support must be unbelievably hard.

My mantra since becoming a mother is "this too shall pass". It got me through the colic, the teething, the toddler tantrums, and through the days where I feel we are struggling just to pay the bills. Like you, I'm studying, and that's what I'm focusing on now. Focus on the long game here. You are very young and could easily be earning a brilliant wage in 5 years. Just hang in there, you are doing great.

Could you do a reciprocal babysitting arrangement with another mum where you take turns to babysit each others children a couple of times a month which might help you get out once in a while?

LegacyUser

you should report the ones with the nice cars and fiddling welfare, they are stealing from all taxpayers bet they have child allowance too. if they want that they should get a job and stop living off others

zeffabelli

Odus fell down wrote: »

Why is it that everyone in your life seems to have gone away? All your friends? Your family? Are you sure there is nobody at all in your life that you can turn to? Why did you lose them all?
Is there anything local that you can go to with your little girl? Like a mother and toddler's group for example? Maybe you might make some friends there and get some support? I wonder have you turned so inwards on yourself that you've driven yourself a bit crazy?

What happens is you lose your links with people via the isolation because you can't spend time with them. And so years pass, and the day comes when you can, but the bonds of friendship and family are gone and it's too late.

The isolation too creates a cycle. You have no inputs so you have no outputs and nothing to bring into a friendship/relationship. It can be a ghostly ride.

Your family as well resent too things. They resent they can never spend time with you on your own, and they resent stepping in and carrying the can for the absent parent and their family.

The married mothers are engaged with their own families, so you are on the periphery of that, and the other mothers are towing their own lines alone too... all with different circumstances and it can be a struggle to find a symmetrical reciprocity.

It's not as easy as one might initially assume.

Rubberchikken

You must be proud of yourself. You're working towards the future but at the moment its very hard to see that. Do you have anyone who could take your child to give you a break?

Don't waste energy feeling bitter about others. Concentrate on what you're doing- raising a child, studying to give yourself a career and setting your child a great example.

Take care

Ignatius in bloom

Because your kid will see and learn the importance of education and endurance and hard work and responsibilities and will be a better adult for it and that will come from you. Also as a parent whether you like it or not that resentment can be felt by kids and that can manifest into all sorts of problems if not nipped in the bud, Can the Father not take overnight at least once week? If not, why not? Can you bring him to court to get him to accept access? Have you made an effort to create a relationship with his grandparents on both sides? so everyone can feel at ease if you would like a night out etc? Sometimes with single parents there is this stubbornness in them that they think everyone thinks they are doing a crap job of being a parent so they keep their distance and don't show the vulnerabilities that could potentially get people giving a hand to them, obviously i don't know if this is true in your case but question has to be asked why are you finding yourself so isolated?

Do you have friends with kids? And if so could you arrange a kind of arrangement where you babysit for them and vice versa?

There is all sorts of possibilities out there to alleviate your situation but you have to be open minded and let people in, i am saying this because i found your remark that your mother and father don't mind him and not that you would bother them with asking a bit strange as most Grandparents want to dote and build a relationship with their grandkid, now obviously not all so maybe thats the case? and if that is the case what reason would that be?