Opposition to Enquiry

nikonuser

A general question for those, like myself, only recently starting down the road of finding ancestors.

Has anyone come up against any family opposition to questioning where they came from? Anyone discovered any completely new and unexpected?

As an example: on discovering a grave in Glasnevin I found an Uncle I had never heard anything about. Admittedly he died young but never had my mother or my aunts or uncles mention him.

Also, when asking one particular Aunt about my GG Grandfather (India Connection Thread) I was told I had no business asking about ‘that sort of thing’ and to get ‘that stuff’ out of the house (referring to my Family Map scroll).

Obviously the facts we uncover, dates, addresses etc have many stories behind them and some of our older generations know more about those stories than we do. Stories best left untold maybe? But, I must say, when I was told to leave ‘that sort of thing’ alone, it only piqued my interest further.

Just 2 interesting observations. Anyone have similar thoughts to share?

CassieManson

I also found an unknown uncle of my father that died as a baby. My father had never been aware of this child in the family, it seems to have been the norm not to talk about children that had died - something about "questioning God's will". Apart from that I have not encountered any opposition to my research mostly complete lack of interest from other family members!

L1011

This has been relatively rare in my family, but any time there is resistance it has been about something that might have been deemed scandalous at the time. Without asking the person who was reticent to talk about it again I can only assume it was something they thought had been swept under the carpet, but now isn't.

BarryD

People come in all shapes and dispositions and that includes family. Some will be interested and helpful, others indifferent and one or two perhaps suspicious and perhaps hostile. All you can do is to tread carefully and avoid upsetting anyone i.e. don't push it. It may be that the person who is being obstructive has good reasons from their own point of view but you can work around this by asking others of the same generation in a tactful way of whatever difficulty is arising.

NeonKnickers

Ive been digging up dirt on my family, my family love it and are very helpful except for one which Ive been asked to keep quiet about my gg uncle was gay and did time in the joy back in 1914 for being gay and this news has devastated my gran

Sometimes it better to use some tact and keep quiet on some finds and let the older generation remember their relatives with fondness because I can never undo what I told her which I regret now

nikonuser

I can understand family members wishing to keep scandals hidden.
Strangely, the person I was enquiring about, my GG Grandfather, died in 1879, my Aunt would never haver met him, nobody in the family knew much about him. Most of our family thought he was from Spain, due to the genetic colouring many of my family have. As it seems to have turned out, India may be the reason.
I just thought it was a strange reaction. Maybe there are still stories that have not been passed down as yet.
But I agree that most members react more with disinterest than opposition.
J

Jellybaby1

Oh yes. Decades ago, my mother often had no memory of people I questioned her about, and in fact she made up a few lies just to shut me up. Similarly my mother-in-law wouldn't discuss the family at all. I only found the truth over the last 5 years. There were a few very young brides and grooms and equally some very early births! I didn't pass this information on to the wider family but after the older generation died it all came out in a natural way, so I'm in the clear. When it came up in conversation at Christmas gatherings I was questioned as to whether I knew or not. I said I had known but they weren't my secrets to tell. I still have some mysteries to investigate but I'd love to be starting again and discovering so much like I did in the early days of my research. Absolutely thrilling!

Peregrinus

In my own family we didn't discover until quite late on that an ancestor about five generations back had gone out to the West Indies and returned with a wife "but she looked white" (from which I infer that she wasn't). An elderly relative let this slip, and then refused to speak further of it.

I have an English friend whose mother was fiercely unco-operative with his genealogical researches, offering evasions and half-truths in response to his enquiries, or simply refusing to say anything at all. It turned out that she was trying to keep from him the knowledge that he was Jewish.

tac foley

There is no doubt a number of 'lost families' both in Ireland and here in England.

As far as I was concerned, my mom and dad had 'lost' all the documentation of their marriage in the bombing of London.

In fact, my dad had gone over to UK to join his brothers and sisters, leaving his lawful wife and two sons behind in Ireland.

When I was eighteen or nineteen in the late 1960's my dad and I were doing some shopping and a tall young man walked up to him and began chatting. After he had gone about his business, I asked my dad who he was, and to my total amazement, he replied, 'Oh, that was your brother'. Nothing more was ever said, but I sure learnt a lot things in a couple of minutes as all the pieces fell into place. I never saw him again, or ever met the other brother - both of whom no doubt have huge families and descendants by now.

Pretty sad, huh?

tac

pinkypinky

My goodness, Tac, have you never looked for them?!

tac foley

Never. I figured that they wouldn't ever want me in their lives, and left it at that.

tac

nikonuser

It seems to be clear from the various posts to my thread that it is far easier to find, facts, dates, places etc than to uncover the stories behind them. As an example: why 2 people born 10 years apart in St. Helena (this to be confirmed) ended up in Calcutta (confirmed), had a baby (or possibly 2) then came to the Liberties in Dublin to live in abject poverty. A huge amount of travelling, even from St Helena to Calcutta, then back to UK then to Ireland? Fact sometimes are easier.
Getting back to the 'Opposition' idea, these people passed more than 150 years ago so I still fail to understand the anger and hostility towards uncovering their stories.
No more than finding the reasons for the exodus I'll probably never find why some people don't want it told.
And, Tac, thanks for that above, not easy, J

tac foley

nikonuser - thanks - hardly a day goes by that I don't think of them and all that we've missed out on over the years.

tac

KidMeNotA1

Fascinating subject, & the older I get, the more I learn about the family. Some nice, some not so nice. Older generations here tended not to talk of people dead, or any scandal in families - thankfully that now seems to be past tense. Do your research, dig up whatever, it is almost fascinating to find strains from India or wherever. Enjoy! Multiple searches can now be done on-line, or the National Library will be glad to steer you in the right direction.

dido2

I've taken to not pushing anyone who doesn't want to know about their family history because I think little white lies will be told to keep me quite!

But we want to find out who my grandmothers family was and we'd also like to know who another members father was, so we done dna testing on 3 of us and it really is facinating to see the results..

Anyone who thinks they may have siblings, aunts or uncles out there, a dna test is one way to find out, huge amounts of people are taking dna tests now in the hope that someone from their biological family is looking for them and there have been many many people reunited with their biological families...

Tac

you'd be surprised your brothers may want to know you, in our case my dads half brother did want to know his half siblings, they just didn't know he existed, well some of them anyway, and now they've all be reunited and it's like he's always been there!

KildareFan

I have just discovered that my second cousin twice removed murdered someone in Chicago in the 1890s and was hanged for his trouble. Most of the other family scandals seem to have involved creative accounting around marriage and birth dates.

roundymac

I only discovered in recent times that my uncle whom I was told died in his sleep did not die in his sleep; he was "enjoying" my auntie would be a polite way to say it. Lucky man, she was quite a looker, this was in the late fifies BTW.

tabbey

Died in his / her sleep covers a multitude, cardiac, TB, acute infection, etc. It is merely a phrase to reassure the listener that the deceased did not suffer.

tabbey

Roundymac, if your uncle and aunt were not married to each other, the phrase would be - In Flagrante Delecto- please excuse my latin. My source for this was the (London) Times, medical correspondent, about twenty years ago.

KildareFan

well, don't we all want to die in bed, preferably our own?

shar01

I discovered my great grandmother did a week in Tralee prison in 1909 for assault. I think that's cool in a "look how far we come" kind of way. My cousin was mortified when I told her.

VirginiaB

I haven't found anything really noteworthy, just a few babies here or there born sooner than nine months after the wedding. And I know some stories that were whispered to me. But my rule has been not to disclose info that living persons would find painful or embarrassing. It is all in my database tho in the expectation that future generations will be less sensitive on some topics.

L1011

VirginiaB wrote: »

just a few babies here or there born sooner than nine months after the wedding. /QUOTE]

I found one four years before the 'wedding' - a date on an employment record, but no civil or religious cert. That said, nothing on that arm of the family (the paternal, surname, line) surprises me at this stage...