aggressive sex..

LegacyUser

Hi all

For my age, I have a relatively low number in regards to people I've slept with. This is due to the fact of me being in several long relationships.
Every guy I've ever been with has been aggressive in the bedroom. Now don't get me wrong, I do like to be dominated to a certain degree but not to the point where it hurts. All of them have been completely different in regards to personality, looks,career etc so I'm not just going for one type of guy.
The last person I was with (once off,not in a relationship with him) was about 2 weeks ago. He was so rough I actually bled a little after. I know I should have just told him to stop but I'm a real people pleaser almost to a fault.
My question is,is this normal? I've never actually had a guy, as cheesy as it sounds "make love" to me and just be so connected with him in that moment. 80% of the time I feel like I'm in a porno.
Maybe I expect too much and I've watched too many movies but is slow and gentle sex dead?

Any opinions welcome

Exclamation Marc

No it's not normal for every guy to be so overly aggressive with you. Sounds like a bad run of guys really. And realistically if you're having one night stands, the guy is probably just there to get his bit and get out of there, so he's generally not going to be bothered to even try to connect. Because of that, he's probably just gonna go at whatever style or pace he thinks will work for him.

On a side note, if someone is being so rough with you that you end up bleeding, say stop. People-pleasing is one thing, but letting someone (especially a one-nighter) go THAT rough isn't good for your body.

LegacyUser

Thanks for reply. I've only had 2 one night stands ever which I think is extremely low.
I only realised after that I was bleeding..I know it's no excuse,I should have said stop. I would just love to know that gentlemen still exist but I just haven't met one yet

ted1

isitjustme wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I've only had 2 one night stands ever which I think is extremely low.
I only realised after that I was bleeding..I know it's no excuse,I should have said stop. I would just love to know that gentlemen still exist but I just haven't met one yet

Are you well lubed? Were you partners larger than average?

kylith

Yes, gentlemen still exists, but you have to tell them what you like. If they're being too rough you need to tell them. I' may be the case that you're the first person they've been with for a while so they just hammer away to relieve their frustration; tell them to slow down, or get on top so you can go at your own pace.

LegacyUser

There was no problem in the lube department and I would say he was slightly bigger than average but i believe it was just because he was extremely rough.

I just felt weird telling him to calm down. It was like he was literally digging for treasure or something.

When I told a previous partner years ago it was too rough he said me saying that was a big turn off and that I was a prude...I suppose that just stuck with me through the years and have allowed myself to be a punching bag in the bedroom. Do men generally enjoy slow sex or not? I have a male friend I asked recently out of curiousity and he said he didn't enjoy the slow/intimate sex

kylith

isitjustme wrote: »

When I told a previous partner years ago it was too rough he said me saying that was a big turn off and that I was a prude...I suppose that just stuck with me through the years and have allowed myself to be a punching bag in the bedroom. Do men generally enjoy slow sex or not? I have a male friend I asked recently out of curiousity and he said he didn't enjoy the slow/intimate sex

IME men going at it hammer and tongs is generally a sign of sexual inexperience - they only know to aim for the (their) orgasm. May I ask how old you/your partners are? Generally when you tell them to slow down, take their time, and you take control they love it. Confidence is sexy, including the confidence to say 'I like it like this'. Give plenty of positive feedback when they do something you like and if they start to get carried away switch position. Using the phrase 'make love' when you're not in a relationship may freak them out though, just because of the L-word.

Basically your previous partner was a jerk and your male friend is not representative of all men. Sex is one of those things where more is more, if you know what I mean. The longer it lasts (within reason) the better.

isitjustme

isitjustme wrote: »

When I told a previous partner years ago it was too rough he said me saying that was a big turn off and that I was a prude..

He was deflecting to cover his own insecurity
Tell them what you like and don't like!
There is definitely room for all kinds of sex

LegacyUser

I understand saying to a one nighter to make love to me would be freaky. I've been in several long term relationships and they have been the same for the most part in regards to the roughness.

The people I've slept with have ranged from 26 to 34 years of age, so it's not like they're teenagers.

Exclamation Marc

If you feel like they're going too rough with you even on one night stands, just tell them to slow down and that that speed/roughness isn't working for you. I know myself that if I was with someone for the first time and they suggested something different I'd roll with it as I know it's that or nothing.

If they have a problem with that, then tell them it's not happening. No point following through just to please someone you might not see again, if you're not enjoying it.

Definitely sounds like you've just had bad luck with a couple of guys. There are those out there that like it slow and steady!

Meauldsegosha

It seems like you've been unlucky with your sexual partners. However you should take control of your sexual happiness. If you don't like what a man is doing or how he is doing it, tell him. If you don't tell him he's going to think you like what's he's doing and continue to do it. Also change positions, if you're on top, you can control the speed and strength of the thrusts.

kjl

isitjustme wrote: »

Hi all

For my age, I have a relatively low number in regards to people I've slept with. This is due to the fact of me being in several long relationships.
Every guy I've ever been with has been aggressive in the bedroom. Now don't get me wrong, I do like to be dominated to a certain degree but not to the point where it hurts. All of them have been completely different in regards to personality, looks,career etc so I'm not just going for one type of guy.
The last person I was with (once off,not in a relationship with him) was about 2 weeks ago. He was so rough I actually bled a little after. I know I should have just told him to stop but I'm a real people pleaser almost to a fault.
My question is,is this normal? I've never actually had a guy, as cheesy as it sounds "make love" to me and just be so connected with him in that moment. 80% of the time I feel like I'm in a porno.
Maybe I expect too much and I've watched too many movies but is slow and gentle sex dead?

Any opinions welcome

I am a guy and I certainly don't get off on this type of sex at all. I get off on intimacy and the feeling of connecting with someone.

miamee

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It seems like you've been unlucky with your sexual partners. However you should take control of your sexual happiness. If you don't like what a man is doing or how he is doing it, tell him. If you don't tell him he's going to think you like what's he's doing and continue to do it. Also change positions, if you're on top, you can control the speed and strength of the thrusts.

This is so true. Men are not mind-readers. If you say nothing, whoever you are with will assume that you are enjoying it. I've often had to stop proceedings to say "Eh that hurts, do it this way instead" or something to that effect and most men are glad of a bit of feedback and to see you enjoy yourself rather than lying there waiting for it to be over.

Aggressiveness to the point it hurts is not the norm but with the right guy a quiet word that what he is doing is a) hurting you or b) just not doing it for you should be all it takes for you both to change position or pace.

LegacyUser

I have told guys before and they've said it's the way they like it and that's fair enough.
I just look at other people's sex life(friends) and wonder am I subconsciously picking these type of guys without even knowing. I just think it's weird I've never been with anyone that likes it more gently.
I also feel absolutely nothing when I'm on top and it's my most hated position ever. I'll do it though because I know guys like it..just wish I could get a balance with a guy rather than being something I'm not in the bedroom. I hate coming across bossy

Rubberchikken

nice guys do exist. you just have to sift them out. maybe getting to know a guy a bit first might help. being too eager to please is going to attract the dodgier end of the spectrum, imho.

Rekop dog

What's all this nice guys talk about? As if someone who enjoys rough is automatically a di** or something, it's personal preference at the end of the day and don't think there's any correlation with niceness. It's not like they've disregarded what's OP's asked them to do, she said she doesn't say anything. You need to be more assertive in what you want. Also overthinking this will probably lead you to being more uptight and less comfortable with sex which could naturally explain the pain if your not enjoying it.

LegacyUser

Rekop dog wrote: »

What's all this nice guys talk about? As if someone who enjoys rough is automatically a di** or something, it's personal preference at the end of the day and don't think there's any correlation with niceness. It's not like they've disregarded what's OP's asked them to do, she said she doesn't say anything. You need to be more assertive in what you want. Also overthinking this will probably lead you to being more uptight and less comfortable with sex which could naturally explain the pain if your not enjoying it.

You obviously didn't read a word I typed. I've said it to two guys I've been with and they've both said in a nutshell that's they way it is. Believe it when I say, I did not over think it until the last time when it was so rough I couldn't see straight for a week.

I'm just going to be up front about it in the future and they can take it or leave ot

PinkLemonade

isitjustme wrote: »

You obviously didn't read a word I typed. I've said it to two guys I've been with and they've both said in a nutshell that's they way it is. Believe it when I say, I did not over think it until the last time when it was so rough I couldn't see straight for a week.

I'm just going to be up front about it in the future and they can take it or leave ot

They sound like horrible men, no one should be going that rough without checking in with their partner. Its not normal.

You need to assert yourself next time and I don't think you should be sleeping with anyone until you feel comfortable enough to tell them that you are/your not enjoying it.

Rekop dog

isitjustme wrote: »

You obviously didn't read a word I typed. I've said it to two guys I've been with and they've both said in a nutshell that's they way it is. Believe it when I say, I did not over think it until the last time when it was so rough I couldn't see straight for a week.

I'm just going to be up front about it in the future and they can take it or leave ot

You made no reference to that it in your OP, you said
"i know I should have just told him to stop but I'm a real people pleaser almost to a fault".

But anyway my point is to the people saying that the guys you were with weren't nice or gentlemen based on their preferred style(many woman prefer rough too), I mean they may have been c**ts for all we know but nobody here can jump to that conclusion based on information given.

Exclamation Marc

isitjustme wrote: »

You obviously didn't read a word I typed. I've said it to two guys I've been with and they've both said in a nutshell that's they way it is. Believe it when I say, I did not over think it until the last time when it was so rough I couldn't see straight for a week.

I'm just going to be up front about it in the future and they can take it or leave ot

Exactly. If there's any resistance from their end or it 'doesn't suit them' or it's not their style, well then tough sh!t for them and just stop. No point not enjoying it.

Any horny male faced with the prospect of going slower or stopping altogether, will just slow down. If they don't, they're bad news and just throw them out straight way.

Back to your original question though, it is just a pick of the draw with what someone is like in bed. People may say that you can tell from someone's demeanour but there's really no way of knowing. I've been with people who are serene, calm and quiet in public and absolute lunatics in the bedroom and vice versa. And I've had those are mad in public and bonkers in bed so ya can never tell. Hopefully your luck will change.

LegacyUser

It's nice to hear that I'm finding people who I'm just not compatible with and that there is a chance I'll eventually come across one that just clicks. I'm going to try be more up front and if they don't like it, we'll that's their tough luck

A Primal Nut

As others said, there is probably sexual inexperience on their side.

Certainly, I would hate to think I was hurting a girl and she didn't tell me. So, yeah tell the guy next time!

LegacyUser

You say yourself that you are a real people pleaser and you come across as a quite timid person in your posts who is sometimes unable to speak up for herself. It may be a case that your submissive type of personality is attracting more dominant characters who like that.

Maybe this begins to play out in the bedroom as well because you said yourself you hate being on top and stuff so maybe the guys sense this and think you prefer being more dominated in bed or whatever. If this is the case that's absolutely fine btw, everyone likes different things, but you can be prefer to be sexually submissive but still be in control if you know what I mean?

It doesn't make it ok for a guy to go so rough with you that he makes you bleed, or for you to be lying there feeling a bit fearful or in pain if it is not something you are into. That is not your fault because to make someone actually bleed must mean a level of roughness that you definitely should have been asked about first by the guy imo. You can find someone who prefers to be on top or be a bit more dominant than you if you like that, but it's still ok and good for you to have your limits and be open about what you think is too much or about what you like, slower etc. Forget about the guy who called you a "prude" for expressing your feelings, he sounds like an absolute dick who just couldn't take some constructive criticism. I'm sure most guys (and people in general) would prefer to know what they were doing right or could improve on if it made their partner enjoy themself more in bed.

So even just a simple "go slower" in the midst of action should be enough. Or you and a guy you meet or are seeing could even just have a sexy conversation about what you both like in bed where you could mention your preferences and your dislikes.

It might just be a case either that you've just been unlucky with guys like others suggested, but either way I think it's a problem that can be very easily solved by just speaking up a bit more.

LegacyUser

I'm definitely going to start talking up for myself in future and not let my pervious bad experiences dictate how my future sexual partners play out. Thanks for great replies

Spencer Winterbotham

I like it slow and gentle.... my last two gfs complained I wasn't rough enough...

You'll find some who fits....

pookie82

isitjustme wrote: »

Hi all

For my age, I have a relatively low number in regards to people I've slept with. This is due to the fact of me being in several long relationships.
Every guy I've ever been with has been aggressive in the bedroom. Now don't get me wrong, I do like to be dominated to a certain degree but not to the point where it hurts. All of them have been completely different in regards to personality, looks,career etc so I'm not just going for one type of guy.
The last person I was with (once off,not in a relationship with him) was about 2 weeks ago. He was so rough I actually bled a little after. I know I should have just told him to stop but I'm a real people pleaser almost to a fault.
My question is,is this normal? I've never actually had a guy, as cheesy as it sounds "make love" to me and just be so connected with him in that moment. 80% of the time I feel like I'm in a porno.
Maybe I expect too much and I've watched too many movies but is slow and gentle sex dead?

Any opinions welcome

Kind of a side topic, OP, but worth mentioning, I think...

Make sure you're up to date on your smears. If the bleeding is from a tear, so be it, but it could be from hitting your cervix. Has happened to me in the past with (voluntary) rough sex, but any bleeding after sex should always be checked out.

I was fine, by the way, but if sex is making your cervix bleed, do get the all clear medically speaking.

Oryx

Do you ever talk about sex before you sleep with someone for the first time? During sex have you ever told a guy what you like? I suggest doing both. Its a form of foreplay and a way of learning more about each other sexually, which can only be good. Be more vocal about what works for you. Dont people please because how is the guy supposed to know its too rough if youre faking?

A good sexual partner will move from soft to hard, gentle to roughin response to their partner and how the sex is in that moment. That takes practise and communication.

zeffabelli

isitjustme wrote: »

It's nice to hear that I'm finding people who I'm just not compatible with and that there is a chance I'll eventually come across one that just clicks. I'm going to try be more up front and if they don't like it, we'll that's their tough luck

Op, It can be context dependant too. It might depend on your dynamic, whether there's trust there, whether it's casual or committed etc.

You or anyone might enjoy something in one context but not in another.

LegacyUser

No I don't fake it. It doesn't seem to really bother them tbh. If I'm enjoying it I'll encourage it but supposedly that means go rougher and harder..total mood killer