Can't afford to live together

LegacyUser

I want to start by saying I have a wonderful boyfriend of several years. I live in social housing & care for a sick family member. This situation is unlikely to change for the foreseeable future.

I don't have much money & have 3 children. My boyfriend rents out a small room so any time we see each other it is at my home.

The problem being I can't afford to move him in as I would lose half my payment. I can't work due to my caring situation. He works extremely eratic shift work & is very poorly paid. In fact some weeks recently he could barely afford food. If he came to live with me my rent would be much higher too. He is not putting me under any pressure but there have been some hinting. When he is with me I feed & drive him around & this costs a lot. He will help himself from the fridge & I would not like to see him going hungry. He did say that if I was going to his place he would do the same. However because it is one room this is not practical so never happens. He also does not drive.

I feel trapped. I love him but can't see how I could afford an extra mouth to feed. Please don't anyone judge me as I work very hard in my caring role. There is nobody else to help. If I did not have kids we could probably manage but moving my boyfriend in would mean even less to live on & I am already struggling. I would appreciate any advice

Dr.Internet

Where are his wages going is the question I'd be asking

He rents a room and barely has money to feed himself?

if he moved in, do you not see him contributing to the household as you say you'd have an extra mouth to feed?

TBH you sound more like his mother/carer than his lover/partner

strandroad

He needs to sort out his work and driving first, and learn to provide food not just for himself but also for you if need be, share housework etc.
Otherwise you'll be taking on a parasite, and a fifth entity to care for.
But with his attitude it's not looking good. I'd be very wary OP.

mordeith

Does he smoke or drink? If yes then clearly a money drain there. Surely if he moved in ye would pool resources to benefit ye both?

Ursus Horribilis

This looks like an imbalance relationship. You're the one who's doing all the giving here. You're caring for the sick family member and raising three kids. You're driving this guy around and feeding him. If you didn't have restrictions on who lives in your house, you'd have moved him into your place. Again, you being the mammy.

You're an item for several years so I assume he's in his late twenties or his thirties by now. So why is he still in such a poorly paid job? Why can he not drive? I hate to come across all judgemental here but I'd be wondering is he a lame duck who knows he's onto a good thing?

LegacyUser

At this stage I would be very careful of him.
What is he doing with his money? I know the dole and part time work together is not a lot but why is he always short of money? Does he like to drink, gamble or smoke (cigs or weed).
Is he behind on the rent or bills were he lives and is this why he is hinting at you to move?

He comes into your house and you feed him. He has you driving him around. Does he ever pay his way with you at all? The reality is you have 3 children and like a lot of people are living on a low income. If he moves into the house you will have to pay more rent. Your bills will be higher and you will have to spend more on food.

At this stage I would tell him that you won't let him move into your house. I would also tell him that you can't afford to drive him around or buy food for him either.
As another poster here said your more like his mother than lover.

He sounds like a man who sees you as a meal ticket and nothing more. At this stage you need to consider you and your children future. The reality is that he is getting you to buy his food and has a free taxi service. He surelly knows that your on a limited income so why is he not trying to improve things for you both.
The truth is that if he sees your relationship as long term why has not tried to get more hours in work or a better job?

Penny Tration

If his work is part time, he can claim casual jobseekers and rent allowance. That would leave him paying feck all in rent, and a small amount on his share of bills. So how can he not afford food? I work erratic shifts so get part time dole and i can certainly afford food, internet and so on. It's difficult but not impossible by any means.

Has he ever contributed financially? ever bought food, taken you out for a meal, brought you to the cinema?

It sounds like he comes over to yours to be fed and have sex. That's not a relationship. That's being used.

Ursus Horribilis

It's not just the car that I'd be concerned about. Is he doing anything to improve his lot? Like looking for other jobs? Trying to see if he can upskill? As things stand, him moving in with you (funny how you refer to it as moving him in!) is not on the cards because of your circumstances. What is he doing to step up to the plate? I'd also be rolling back on the free taxi service. See how that goes down...

Stheno

What is he doing with his money that he can't afford to feed himself? Does he know you are under pressure financially?