Question for girls

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 1:51pm #1

Alright everyone,

Question for the girls.

29 yr old bloke here, started seeing new girl. The problem is I suffer from depression and am wondering when is the best time to bring it up. Due to my depression I have to take anti depressants, which work really well, the problem with them is they literally kill your sex drive and make having sex, or rather make wanting to have sex a non event. It's a common side effect from them and something I knew about prior to taking them, but I was in a really dark place and had to try and get better.

Would this be a deal breaker for most girls? I completely understand if it would.

For me, coming off the anti depressants just ain't an option right now. It took me long enough to get better and it's not something I'm going to chance by coming off them. i.e I'm willing forgo a high sex drive although I understand why a girl wouldn't be willing to.

Mother Brain · 13-09-2015 1:53pm

Are there not other (ahem) treatments available for improving your libido \ ability to perform?

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 1:57pm

I'm going to speak to my doctor next week and see what he says. Hopefully there might be something. Just wondering should I bother telling the girl yet? Is honesty not best policy?

wakka12 · 13-09-2015 1:57pm

Depends on the girl..I know an awful lot of girls who arent much into sex and only do it or their male partners sake..like a lot just enjoy a strong emotional connection with lots of affection and romance, kissing hugging cuddling. Maybe you got one of those girls

Anyway..Id sat a woman is less likely to dump you over a lack of a sex life than vice versa

Penny Tration · 13-09-2015 1:58pm

If you're basically unable to have a sex drive due to your meds, you should discuss this as soon as possible with the new girl. There's no point stringing her along only to announce that there wont be any sex, y'know?

However, have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this? A few meds i was put on for mental health problems did the same to me, totally killed my sex drive. I couldn't take it, spoke to my psych, got put on new meds until we found one that worked for my mental health and didn't ruin my sex drive, and now it's all fine and dandy mentally and sexually.

Penny Tration · 13-09-2015 1:59pm

matthew86 wrote: »

I'm going to speak to my doctor next week and see what he says. Hopefully there might be something. Just wondering should I bother telling the girl yet? Is honesty not best policy?

If you're going to speak to your doctor, then don't tell her yet. Wait and see the outcome of that chat first.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:02pm

Penny Tration wrote: »

If you're basically unable to have a sex drive due to your meds, you should discuss this as soon as possible with the new girl. There's no point stringing her along only to announce that there wont be any sex, y'know?

However, have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this? A few meds i was put on for mental health problems did the same to me, totally killed my sex drive. I couldn't take it, spoke to my psych, got put on new meds until we found one that worked for my mental health and didn't ruin my sex drive, and now it's all fine and dandy mentally and sexually.

Yeah spoke to him. The problem is I had to try several treatments until we found one that worked, so he's wary as I am too, about moving on to yet another one.

I'm not sure I'm willing to swap good mental health for a good sex life, but that's my decision and I think it's possibly/probably unfair to ask a girl to compromise her sex life.

Notavirus.exe · 13-09-2015 2:02pm

I'm a guy and I'm pretty sure girls aren't sex maniacs so if you sit down and talk about it with her, she will understand.

Also, I'm sure she loves you for who you are, not for what you can/can't do in bed if you know what I mean.

KERSPLAT! · 13-09-2015 2:02pm

Mod

Hi Matthew, I can leave this here but it may be better suited to the Relationships forum? Up to you.

For everyone else, no acting the Mick or medical advice, cheers

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:04pm

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

Mod

Hi Matthew, I can leave this here but it may be better suited to the Relationships forum? Up to you.

For everyone else, no acting the Mick or medical advice, cheers

Yeah I don't mind, wherever you think it's most suitable, cheers

Penny Tration · 13-09-2015 2:06pm

matthew86 wrote: »

Yeah spoke to him. The problem is I had to try several treatments until we found one that worked, so he's wary as I am too, about moving on to yet another one.

I'm not sure I'm willing to swap good mental health for a good sex life, but that's my decision and I think it's possibly/probably unfair to ask a girl to compromise her sex life.

Yeah, I understand where you're coming from. Like you, it took several tries of different meds til we found one to stabilize me. Then the hassle of going through it all again to find one that allowed me to want sex too!

Ultimately it's entirely your decision what you do about your meds and if you're willing to take the risk of another bad patch if changing meds.

If you decide not to change, which is of course your choice and you have to do what's right for you, then yes, you should tell her.

For me personally, I didn't want to face a sexless life so changing meds was a necessity for me. It's not for all people though.

PucaMama · 13-09-2015 2:06pm

Op, I wouldn't worry too much. It's a very common side affect of those medications. If she's interested in you as a person, I'm sure she will understand all this. Sex isn't everything in a relationship.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:09pm

Thanks for feedback. I think I'm going to tell her. I don't know her that well yet, but I think she deserves to know from the outset, even if it's not a problem for her.

To be fair this is going to be an issue for me with any new girl I start seeing, so I might aswell get used to the conversation!

KERSPLAT! · 13-09-2015 2:09pm

Moved to Relationship Issues, please read the charter before posting, cheers

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:10pm

PucaMama wrote: »

Op, I wouldn't worry too much. It's a very common side affect of those medications. If she's interested in you as a person, I'm sure she will understand all this. Sex isn't everything in a relationship.

Ah I know, but at the same time I think everyone deserves a healthy sex life if they want it, and she deserves the option. She's a cool girl.

fattymuatty · 13-09-2015 2:11pm

My husband has depression and has been on meds for years. It does affect his libido sometimes more than others. It doesn't bother me, if I am horny and he isn't I sort myself out.

I would tell the girl about your depression. Totally apart from the sex thing my husbands depression has had a massive affect on our relationship through the years. I definitely think the other person should be given the heads up so they can make the decision about whether or not it is a deal breaker with the full facts. Having said that my husbands depression is fairly bad and has been quite debilitating for him at times, I don't know how bad your is. It may not be that big a deal.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:17pm

fattymuatty wrote: »

My husband has depression and has been on meds for years. It does affect his libido sometimes more than others. It doesn't bother me, if I am horny and he isn't I sort myself out.

I would tell the girl about your depression. Totally apart from the sex thing my husbands depression has had a massive affect on our relationship through the years. I definitely think the other person should be given the heads up so they can make the decision about whether or not it is a deal breaker with the full facts. Having said that my husbands depression is fairly bad and has been quite debilitating for him at times, I don't know how bad your is. It may not be that big a deal.

Well that's the thing, I would consider mine under control, the meds work well, they saved my life, literally.

I understand the pressure depression can put on a relationship and life in general, my father suffers from depression and it has had a devistating impac on my mother, she has had to carry him through life and handle all responsibilites. I'm NEVER going to put that on a girl/potential partner, hence the reason I was willing to accept lack of libido as a probable side effect to the meds.

If needs be I'll stay single throughout my life. Not a nice prospect, but nicer than suffering from mental health and have the ones you love suffer too.

athtrasna · 13-09-2015 2:36pm

I'm going to go against the others here. You didn't mention how old your girlfriend is but if you're 29 it's a stage in life where people tend to look at partners with life long potential. Whatever about the sex side, hiding depression in a relationship isn't fair imo. If I was in her place I'd be deeply hurt at something so major being kept from me. Just my 2c

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 2:41pm

I'm not going to hide it. I'm going to tell her, I agree she deserves to know. She's 27. She deserves to have the choice on wether it's an issue or not. I can't make that call.

baby and crumble · 13-09-2015 2:50pm

I think it's a good idea to tell her OP. One thing I will say is have an open mind about other ways to bring the sexual side of things into your relationship. It doesn't have to be penetrative sex to get a woman off, and the chemicals etc have a powerful bonding function. Do you know what I mean?

LegacyUser · 13-09-2015 2:50pm

Notavirus.exe wrote: »

I'm a guy and I'm pretty sure girls aren't sex maniacs so if you sit down and talk about it with her, she will understand.

Also, I'm sure she loves you for who you are, not for what you can/can't do in bed if you know what I mean.

I really don't understand why some men have this idea that women are less into sex then men...as a woman I can say that is NOT true and I would definitely like to know if a new partner had a problem with sex drive, as sex would be a very important part of a relationship for me.
I can't speak on your girlfriends behalf of course, but I would definitely have the conversation with her, as she has the right to know. Just my opinion.

Best of luck OP

seenitall · 13-09-2015 3:08pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think it's a good idea to tell her OP. One thing I will say is have an open mind about other ways to bring the sexual side of things into your relationship. It doesn't have to be penetrative sex to get a woman off, and the chemicals etc have a powerful bonding function. Do you know what I mean?

This kind of advice depends entirely on the kind of woman she is, sexually. I, for example, if in a relationship, couldn't really be satisfied in the long term with anything less than a live, adult male hard-on. Even more than that, I would speculate that most straight women would feel similar. So the above advice is by no means a one size fits all solution.

That said, I really think that you sound like a proper catch, OP. You sound like a considerate, respectful and generous fella, and believe me, that's a quality and a half to have in a partner!

Just be honest with women you're seeing, and I'd bet that one day there will be one you'll click with like a house on fire and the two of you will work it all out. Stranger things have happened.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2015 3:10pm

I think she has the right to know. If she doesn't understand however,you know it wasn't meant to be

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 3:16pm

seenitall wrote: »

This kind of advice depends entirely on the kind of woman she is, sexually. I, for example, if in a relationship, couldn't really be satisfied in the long term with anything less than a live, adult male hard-on. Even more than that, I would speculate that most straight women would feel similar. So the above advice is by no means a one size fits all solution.

That said, I really think that you sound like a proper catch, OP. You sound like a considerate, respectful and generous fella, and believe me, that's a quality and a half to have in a partner!

Just be honest with women you're seeing, and I'd bet that one day there will be one you'll click with like a house on fire and the two of you will work it all out. Stranger things have happened.

Thanks very much. Yeah sure look she might want/need a high sex drive and that's cool, I don't want to deny her that, so being honest will at least give her the choice.

To be fair I'd love my old sex drive back but at the same time I wouldn't swap it for my depression back again.

I think it's agreed I should tell her, only she can decide what to do after that.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 4:43pm

Met up with her and told her. She pretty much said it would be a deal breaker.

Ah well , that's life....

seenitall · 13-09-2015 5:15pm

It's good that you've told her, OP. I know the situation sucks, but it's better that this stuff is out in the clear from the beginning, and you know that you two are incompatible now, than the alternative would be, of keeping her in the dark until such time she figures things out for herself, more or less. Or what someone less fair than you would do, until such time as she is too attached to you to not sacrifice having her own needs met. That would be dishonest and unfair on any girl who is desirous of a full sex life with her boyfriend.

I don't have an answer here for your predicament, but perhaps with some time, you should be looking to reconsider the advice given in Penny's posts? Search for alternative medication, which won't rob you of your libido? After all, you deserve a full sex life too!

Good luck.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 5:38pm

Yeah it's something I more than likely will have to at least look at. I'm going to see if it's a deal breaker for the next few girls I end up dating. If it is, then I might just have to do it, but for not I don't want to rock the boat in terms of my mental health, it's in too good of a place to try tempt faith.

We live and learn....

athtrasna · 13-09-2015 5:46pm

Sorry to hear it didn't work out, guess it's better to know sooner rather than later. Chin up, us ladies are not all the same. Your health has to remain your absolute priority.

DoYouEvenLift · 13-09-2015 5:50pm

No worries, OP. You'd only just started seeing her so I hope you won't feel too down about her answer. Just remember that you're obviously a decent person to be that upfront because plenty of people wouldn't be like that. I will say though, don't tell them from the very start, as in the first couple of dates, because that'd barely be enough time for them to see if there are other qualities about you they feel they like enough to overlook this one issue and it'd also be a bit strong of a topic that early for most people, unfortunately.

How are you doing with regards your exercise and nutrition? It's really not emphasised enough just how much these can help depression and general mental health well being.

PucaMama · 13-09-2015 6:01pm

matthew86 wrote: »

Met up with her and told her. She pretty much said it would be a deal breaker.

Ah well , that's life....

Oh wow. Jesus sorry op

on the plus side at least you found out now and not further down the line

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 6:06pm

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

No worries, OP. You'd only just started seeing her so I hope you won't feel too down about her answer. Just remember that you're obviously a decent person to be that upfront because plenty of people wouldn't be like that. I will say though, don't tell them from the very start, as in the first couple of dates, because that'd barely be enough time for them to see if there are other qualities about you they feel they like enough to overlook this one issue and it'd also be a bit strong of a topic that early for most people, unfortunately.

How are you doing with regards your exercise and nutrition? It's really not emphasised enough just how much these can help depression and general mental health well being.

Hit the gym 4 days a week, always have, and eat really clean. Both have benefits and I do believe in healthy body healthy mind, but in my brain the lack of serotonin is/was so great that I need medication. It's genetic.It is what it is.

matthew86 · 13-09-2015 6:08pm

PucaMama wrote: »

Oh wow. Jesus sorry op on the plus side at least you found out now and not further down the line

Cheers. No worries, sure ya win some/lose some.

crackers and cheese · 13-09-2015 8:25pm

No way you should swap your mental health for a sex life!!! She obviously not the one for you but don't let this dishearten you or put you off future relationships

Idle Passerby · 13-09-2015 11:18pm

If it was me the depression would be a bigger concern than the lack of sex. Not to be hurtful to you OP, but its a serious illness that requires you to be on constant medication. I would think twice about starting a relationship with a person who had any serious illness. The lack of sex would be a very secondary consideration. That's just me, but it might be worth noting that it may not be the libido issue alone that would be a deal breaker for women.

zeffabelli · 14-09-2015 5:07am

I can't speak for other girls or for this one, but if the person was worth it than no it would not be a deal breaker.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.... Just need some creative thinking.

daRobot · 14-09-2015 10:51am

While I appreciate the sentiment of others saying that you should be upfront about everything, I strongly disagree.

Why lay all your cards on the table like this before anything has even had a chance to blossom? It's way too heavy and they'll more than likely be frightened off.

People bring all sorts of issues to relationships that are never disclosed up front : jealousy , anger etc. It's very normal to have some sort of darkness in your past - most of us do.

So perhaps keep your business to yourself with the next one, and try and work through any issues when they arise for real, instead of predicting them before they occur.

Let someone grow to love you as you are instead of the preemptive tactic of : I am X, do you think you can be with me.

Best of luck with everything

mg1982 · 14-09-2015 12:03pm

Sorry to hear it didnt work out OP. But i think your mental health should be a priority and if you have found a med that really helps your depression thats a great thing. Also there is always a certain tablet you can take to help with your sexual performance if you see your doctor about it.

matthew86 · 14-09-2015 1:36pm

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If it was me the depression would be a bigger concern than the lack of sex. Not to be hurtful to you OP, but its a serious illness that requires you to be on constant medication. I would think twice about starting a relationship with a person who had any serious illness. The lack of sex would be a very secondary consideration. That's just me, but it might be worth noting that it may not be the libido issue alone that would be a deal breaker for women.

Fair point.

I'm on mission impossible so ha

matthew86 · 14-09-2015 1:38pm

daRobot wrote: »

While I appreciate the sentiment of others saying that you should be upfront about everything, I strongly disagree.

Why lay all your cards on the table like this before anything has even had a chance to blossom? It's way too heavy and they'll more than likely be frightened off.

People bring all sorts of issues to relationships that are never disclosed up front : jealousy , anger etc. It's very normal to have some sort of darkness in your past - most of us do.

So perhaps keep your business to yourself with the next one, and try and work through any issues when they arise for real, instead of predicting them before they occur.

Let someone grow to love you as you are instead of the preemptive tactic of : I am X, do you think you can be with me.

Best of luck with everything

Problem is she wanted sex pretty much straight away, so felt like I had to be honest. Didn't want her to feel rejected or feel like she was the reason I wasn't mad keen on it.

Tim Smith55 · 14-09-2015 7:26pm

matthew86 wrote: »

Alright everyone,

Question for the girls.

29 yr old bloke here, started seeing new girl. The problem is I suffer from depression and am wondering when is the best time to bring it up. Due to my depression I have to take anti depressants, which work really well, the problem with them is they literally kill your sex drive and make having sex, or rather make wanting to have sex a non event. It's a common side effect from them and something I knew about prior to taking them, but I was in a really dark place and had to try and get better.

Would this be a deal breaker for most girls? I completely understand if it would.

For me, coming off the anti depressants just ain't an option right now. It took me long enough to get better and it's not something I'm going to chance by coming off them. i.e I'm willing forgo a high sex drive although I understand why a girl wouldn't be willing to.

Just an idea Matthew, but have you tried meditation to help with your depression before trying the medication?

matthew86 · 14-09-2015 7:50pm

Tim Smith55 wrote: »

Just an idea Matthew, but have you tried meditation to help with your depression before trying the medication?

No, never. I'm not knocking it but my depression was so severe that I needed/need medication to restore serotonin levels. There are no alternative methods that can do this. It's black and white when it comes to chronic depression.

Question for girls

Comments